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Episode Thirteen

The Brainiac Decision

Updated 5/30/2015

=ooo=

Monday morning at Zangen Pharmaceuticals—
Penny looked up from the list of doctors she was scheduled to meet that afternoon at the knock on her door. She smiled as she saw it was Bernadette, holding her purse.

"Ready for lunch?" Penny asked, closing her schedule book and picking up her purse.

"I guess," Bernadette said, not very enthusiastically. She didn't meet Penny's eyes as Penny put on her jacket.

"Is something wrong?" Penny asked, knowing how Bernadette acted when she had some bad news she had to talk about.

Bernadette glanced out into the hallway, then shut the door. "I was going to say something to you about it at lunch, but it can't wait that long. I need to talk to you about something Howard wanted me to do."

"What's that?" Penny asked. She got a sudden weird premonition. "It's not another one of his weird sex role-playing things, is it?" she asked warily.

"No, nothing like that," Bernadette said. "It's kind of worse, actually."

"Really?" Penny leaned back against her desk. "Just remember, I warned you about him before you two got married, that's on you now."

"Well, it's really more about you," Bernadette said, slowly. "And maybe about Leonard as well."

Penny shook her head. "I told Howard we're not swinging with you guys—"

"It's about your witchcraft," Bernadette blurted.

Penny's eyes narrowed. "Uh-oh. Bernadette, what did you tell him?"

"He knows." Bernadette looked very uncomfortable. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to tell him! It just came out the other night."

Penny thought about it for a few seconds, then shrugged. "Well, maybe it's not that big a deal," she decided. "I mean, you two are married, it's reasonable that both of you know about it."

"That's what I thought," Bernadette said, dropping into a chair. "But Howard's got the idea now that you can give us a lot of stuff using your magic."

"Stuff like what?" Penny wondered.

"Oh, money, furniture for Stuart, a new house to put Stuart's furniture in, little things like that," Bernadette said, trying to be flippant.

"Wow," Penny muttered. "This could be a problem. I want to help people with my witchcraft, but not like that."

"I don't know what we're going to do!" Bernadette said helplessly. "I didn't think Howie would be like this! He's been so good lately handling his allowance I thought he'd gotten over his bad spending habits, but the thought of being able to ask for anything he wants is turning him greedy again! He would never ask me for money or stuff like that these days!"

"Maybe that's the solution," Penny said. "Nobody but Leonard knows about this, but I was called into the witches' realm about a month ago for illegally bringing a mortal there. That mortal was you, by the way. They had a trial and everything."

"Oh no!" Bernadette looked appalled. "What happened?"

"It all worked out," Penny reassured her. "There was a loophole in the law that if the mortal had witches' blood in them the prohibition was waived. We checked genealogical records and found out you have magical blood."

"I do?" Bernadette looked shocked. "So how come going there didn't give me any magical abilities?"

"Because you caught that growing disease thing instead," Penny said. "But now that Dr. Bombay has cured you of that, you should be able to go there and soak up enough magic to become a witch. That way, Howard can't expose me as a witch without exposing you as well. That is," she added. "If you want to."

Bernadette jumped to her feet. "Are you kidding?" she asked. "Let's go!"

"Okay," Penny nodded. She raised her hands, fingers poised to snap and pop them away, when she remember. "Oh, hang on. I've got to clear my calendar."

She made a flourish at her schedule book, which opened on its own to that day's appointments. With another flourish, all the afternoon appointments vanished and the page flipped over to the next day, where they reappeared.

"Wow," Bernadette muttered to herself. "That would be handy."

"All set!" Penny smiled. "Ready? Here we go!" She snapped her fingers and she and Bernadette vanished.

=ooo=

Meanwhile, around that same time, over at Caltech—
Leonard, Sheldon, Howard and Raj found an empty table and set their food trays down on it at the same time, silently taking their seats. None of them had spoken to one another since the four of them entered the Caltech cafeteria, making for a rather uncomfortable silence.

Leonard knew Sheldon was upset about the papers he had written on the Millennium Prize conjectures, not to mention his other papers written for the journal Physical Review D, which were more physics-oriented. Sheldon had even been working on a paper of his own, though he hadn't told Leonard yet what it was about. Leonard expected it was some kind of retaliation for, as Sheldon had put it, betraying him by trying to take the Nobel Prize from Sheldon for himself, which was blatantly false. Well, mostly false, Leonard corrected himself. Winning a Nobel Prize on top of the Millennium Prize money would be even better, since it would help his position here at the university, probably gaining him tenure; he, Sheldon and Raj had been on the short list for over a year now.

"Leonard," Sheldon said. "Would you please pass the salt?"

Leonard glanced quizzically at his roommate; the salt shaker was directly between them, within easy reach for Sheldon, yet he'd asked Leonard to pass it. "Why do you want me to pass the salt?" he asked. "It's right there."

Sheldon reached up and pulled on the collar of his T-shirt, exposing the area above his heart. "I thought perhaps you'd like to rub some into my wounds."

Howard and Raj were both staring at this exchange. "What's going on?" Howard asked.

"He's just upset that I've submitted a few papers on physics to a couple of journals," Leonard complained.

"And multiple papers purporting to prove several Millennium Prize conjectures," Sheldon added, accusingly.

"Really?" Howard and Raj both appeared impressed. "I've looked at some of those conjectures," Howard went on. "They are not easy." He eyed Leonard appraisingly. "How many papers did you submit? One? Two?"

"Five," Leonard mumbled, immediately filling his mouth with food so he couldn't say anything more.

"Five?" Raj sounded astonished. "That's impossible! Only one or two of the Millennium Prizes has ever been proven!"

"Only one," Howard said. "And there are only six unsolved problems left! If Leonard has solved five of them—"

"There he is!" a voice rang out across the cafeteria, and everyone turned to see Drs. Gabelhauser and Siebert, the head of the Physics department and the President of the university, respectively, heading toward Leonard. "Dr. Hofstadter!" Gabelhauser said, rushing up to him and clapping him on the shoulder. "We've been looking for you! We both just heard the news?"

"What news?" Leonard asked.

"The news about your submissions for the Millennium Prize problems," Dr. Siebert said, shaking Leonard's hand. "We've received preliminary confirmation this morning that two of your solutions have been accepted!"

"They have?" Leonard smiled, surprised at the quick response.

"They most certainly have!" Gabelhauser beamed. "Do you realize, Dr. Hofstadter, what this news will do for the university? A lot of people are taking interest in us right now!"

"Seems like a lot of carrying on over just a few equations," Sheldon muttered.

"Just a few equations?" Siebert looked incredulous. "Dr. Hofstadter here has done more in the past few days than you've accomplished in the last decade, Dr. Cooper!"

"Has he?" Sheldon gave Leonard a scathing look. "I wonder how he managed to accomplish that?"

"However he did it," Gabelhauser said. "Dr. Hofstadter here is the man of the hour!"

"The man of the year!" Siebert added.

Gabelhauser and Siebert were all smiles, but the looks on Sheldon, Howard and Raj's faces would have had Captain Kirk yelling, "Beam my ass out of here, Scotty!"

"I'm going to talk to the tenure committee today," Siebert said to Leonard. "With the work you've done in the past week, I'd say tenure is in the bag for you. Keep up the good work, Dr. Hofstadter," the president added, with a final pat on the shoulder, then he and Gabelhauser headed for the cafeteria door. Leonard was left with his three friends staring stonily at him.

"That sure was nice of them, wasn't it?" Leonard said weakly, wondering what they would say. "Wow, tenure! What an unexpected honor—"

"Unexpected my butt," Howard said in a low voice, so no one could overhear. "Even if Raj and Sheldon don't know, I know how you were able to write those articles!"

"Of course I know how he did it," Sheldon said, staring at Howard skeptically. "How do you know?"

"I just know," Howard retorted. "You don't need to know how I know."

"I know, too!" Raj spoke up. "But I didn't know you knew."

"How could you not know I knew?" Howard asked.

"I don't know," Raj shrugged.

"Wait a second," Leonard interrupted. "Sheldon, did you tell them?"

"Tell them what?" Sheldon asked. "That Penny is a witch?"

Howard and Raj looked at each other, surprised. "How did you know that?" Howard asked.

"Bernadette told me," Sheldon said, folding his arms.

Howard gaped at him. "How does Bernie know?!"

"Penny told her," Leonard said, finally giving in; there was no use trying to keep it a secret any longer. "Listen, now that you know, you can't tell anyone else about it."

"Oh, a secret, huh?" Sheldon had that look in his eye—Leonard could sense he was moving in for the kill. "Well, it's no secret now how you've been writing all those papers, is it?"

"What do you mean?" Leonard asked, though his guts were already twisting.

"Penny made you smarter, didn't she?" Sheldon demanded.

"No she didn't!" Leonard denied.

"Come on, Leonard," Howard was shaking his head. "It's obvious and it's brilliant! Penny makes you into a Brainiac, you figure out the solutions to those Millennium Prize problems and collect the money, and you and she can retire to a rich, cozy life doing whatever you want. And Raj and Emily can do the same thing!"

Sheldon started. "What do you mean? Emily isn't a witch too, is she?"

Howard nodded. "Oh yeah! Raj told me. He's got it made, too!"

"Don't rain on my cash cow, dude," Raj warned him.

"You two are unbelievable!" Leonard said. "Is that all that's important to you—money?!"

"Of course not," Howard snapped. He hesitated a moment. "Sex is important, too."

"Getting back to the matter at hand," Sheldon interrupted. "We still must deal with Leonard's betrayal and his use of Penny's magic to make himself appear smart."

"Penny didn't make me smarter!" Leonard insisted.

"Well, then how do you explain being able to figure those Millennium problems out," Howard demanded.

"And those physics papers you wrote," Raj added. "When do we get our new brains, dude?"

"I think you all do need new brains!" Leonard exploded. "Because you're not using the ones you have now! Even if Penny wanted to, I wouldn't have let her make me smarter! I—uh-oh," he suddenly shut up as he made the connection.

"Uh-oh, what?" Howard asked.

"I just realized," Leonard said, his voice almost a whisper. "I think I did this to myself."

"What do you mean?" Raj asked.

"I mean, I think I wished this onto myself," Leonard said. "A few months ago Penny and I went to the realm where witches and warlocks live. I wasn't there very long, but when I returned I found out my asthma had been cured and I had the ability to wish for things and have them come true. It seemed to go away after a couple of months but there must've been some traces of it left in me." He looked at the others. "I think I must've wished myself smarter."

The four of them looked at one another, not knowing what to say.

Howard was the first to speak. "Well, now that that's all cleared up, what say we discuss what it will take for me not to reveal Penny's witchcraft to the world…"

Leonard stared at him, incredulous. "Not gonna happen," he said flatly.

"Oh, come on!" Howard said pleadingly. "You can have anything you want—I just want a little piece of that!"

Leonard could only look at him in dumbfounded silence.

=ooo=

Later that afternoon—
Howard slammed the door as he stomped angrily into his house. He'd spent the rest of lunch trying to convince Leonard he would report Penny to the authorities as a witch if they didn't start whipping up stuff for him and Bernadette, but Leonard kept calling his bluff! He dropped onto the couch, frustrated, trying to think something he could say to convince Leonard he meant business. Of course he couldn't really turn in Penny—that would be like cooking the goose that laid the golden eggs! He had to figure another angle, some way to convince Leonard and Penny to cooperate…

Bernie wasn't going to be much help, he decided. She didn't want to "abuse their friendship" with Penny. Well, was it fair that Penny and Leonard—and Raj and Emily too, for that matter!—were going to get everything they wanted in life, while he and Bernadette were stuck living in his mother's house along with Stuart for the foreseeable future? No, of course it wasn't, Howard answered himself.

In fact, where were Bernie and Stuart? He hadn't heard anyone in the house since he'd gotten home. "Bernie? Stuart? Anybody here?" Howard called out, but there was no answer. Stuart might be working later at the comic book store—which was fine as far as Howard was concerned; he had big plans to make with his wife that didn't include a houseguest that had long overstayed his welcome!

Howard got up and checked the kitchen and the downstairs bedroom, the most likely places for either Stuart or Bernadette to be. They were both empty. Howard sat back down on the couch, then pulled out his phone and began a text to Bernadette: BERNIE IM HOME WHERE ARE U?

"I'm here, Howard," Bernadette's voice came from right behind him, but when he looked around nobody was there.

"Where?" Howard asked, beginning to feel a little creeped out. His wife was small but not that small! "I don't see you."

"I know," her voice said. "But I'm right here in front of you." With a sudden flash of light she was standing before him.

Howard jerked back. "What the frack?!" he gasped. "What did you just do?!"

Penny was suddenly standing beside him. "Hi, Howard! How's it going?"

"Penny?" Howard gaped at the two women. They were both dressed in long, flowing black dresses that had an almost ethereal quality about them. "W-what's going on?" he asked apprehensively.

"Good news!" Bernadette said, beaming at him. "Penny was able to turn me into a witch. She and I have been in the witches' realm all day, and I've been learning witchcraft."

"Really?" Howard was suddenly all smiles. "You mean, you can do magic now, too, like Penny?"

"Yes, she can," Penny nodded. "She's a natural witch, it turns out, and she learned much quicker than I did."

"Well, that's great!" Howard said, rubbing his hands together expectantly. His mind was whirling with the possibilities—they could live anywhere they wanted, travel the world, do anything they wanted! Money would never be a problem again!

"So what should we do first?" Howard asked, then began answering his own question. "How about a trip to Cancun? Or maybe Hawaii? Or even Las Vegas—we could probably end up owning our own casino if we play our cards right, if you get my drift," he winked.

Bernadette put a hand on Howard's chest. "Hold on, Howie," she said warningly, as Penny stood behind her, smirking. "There's going to be some rules about my new powers."

"Rules?" Howard looked surprised. "Rules? We don't need no stinking rules, do we? We can do whatever we want!"

"Uh-uh, Howard," Penny shook her head. "That's not how it works. Bernadette wears the pants in this family now." As if to emphasize the point, Bernadette snapped her fingers and Howard's pants disappeared, leaving him in his Aquaman briefs.

"Bernie!" Howard leaned forward, covering up his briefs. "What are you doing?"

"Just showing you what your life's going to be like now that I can do witchcraft," Bernie replied. "What, did you think I was just going to indulge your every whim with my new powers?"

"Well—yeah!" Howard cried, as if that should have been obvious. "But—but—don't you want to travel the world, see new things, have wonderful adventures, stuff like that?!"

"Sure," Bernadette said. With a wave of her hand Howard's pants were back on again. "But I don't need you for that, do I?"

Howard stared at her, stunned. "But…we're…"

"Married?" Bernadette finished for him. "I guess that's true. But all that means now is that you can stay home and take care of our kids, when I decide we'll have some, while I go enjoy myself and have fun and a life."

"You—you would just use me like that?" Howard gasped.

"Weren't you planning on using me, Howard?" Penny asked him, hands on her hips. "Didn't you tell Bernadette to ask me for a bunch of stuff you wanted?"

"Um," Howard said, looking like a kid caught with his hand in the magic jar. "There, um, might have been a conversation along those general lines…"

"And what makes you think you deserve any of that stuff?" Penny went on, as Bernadette stood beside her, nodding agreement. "Didn't you threaten to turn me in if you didn't get everything you wanted?"

"Well…" Howard didn't want to answer that. "Okay," he said, trying to dig himself out of this mess. "I suppose I don't need everything I asked for. We could probably get by with just a bigger house. Or maybe two, one for us and one for Stuart—"

"Forget it, Howie," Bernadette cut him off. "I'm in charge, and you're going to do exactly what I say from now on!" Bernadette leaned over him, her hands extended like claws, poised to grab him, and Howard shrank away from her. "Do you hear me, Howard? Everything I say!"

"No," Howard whimpered, closing his eyes. "Please…"

"Do you hear me, Howard?" his wife said again, her voice seemingly far away now that he couldn't see her. "Do you hear me?"

Howard jerked upward. He found himself lying on the couch. Bernadette was standing next to him, her hand on his shoulder, dressed in her normal business clothes. Penny wasn't there. "What—what happened?" he mumbled, rubbing his eyes, feeling groggy.

"You were asleep, Howie," Bernadette said, as Howard pulled himself into a sitting position on the couch, and she sat down beside him. "It sounded like you were dreaming."

"Maybe I was," Howard said, trying to recall what he'd dreamed. "I think—I dreamed Penny was a witch," he told her.

"A witch?" Bernadette smiled. "What do you mean?"

"I mean she had magic powers," Howard said. "I was arguing with Leonard about it, trying to get him to get her to give us stuff like money and a new house and—" he stopped, staring at her. "And Penny said you were a witch, too."

"Me?" Bernadette looked surprised at that. "How could I be a witch?"

"I'm not sure," Howard shook his head. "Something about visiting the place where the witches lived, something like that." He took a deep breath. "It felt so real."

"Dreams do sometimes," Bernadette said, rubbing his arm affectionately. "But then we wake up and everything is back to normal. Right?"

"I guess," Howard said. He stood up slowly. "I'm going to get something to drink. You want anything?"

"I'm fine," Bernadette said. She stood up with him. "Howie, I hope you aren't unhappy with what we have now. We've got your mother's house and each other, and Stuart will move out once his comic book store is doing better."

"I guess you're right," Howard nodded, convinced that the thing about his wife and Penny being witches was just in his head. "I love you," he said, smiling at her.

"And I love you," she said, hugging him. She let him go, and Howard smiled and went into the kitchen to get a Yoo-Hoo.

She turned and looked toward Penny, who was standing nearby, invisible, and gave her a thumbs-up. "That takes care of Howard knowing about you," she said softly. "I won't tell him about me becoming a witch until he's ready to hear it."

"Which should be sometime early next century," Penny added. "See you later," she said, then popped out, back to her apartment.

=ooo=

Leonard walked into his apartment feeling upset and depressed. Howard had badgered him seemingly for hours about Penny's witchcraft, trying to get him to agree to have her whip up a bunch of stuff from him. He'd finally walked away from him and locked himself in his lab to get away.

Howard had promptly picked the lock to get in.

Leonard ran out to his car and drove away. He drove aimlessly around Pasadena for a couple of hours, ignoring his phone, giving Howard the rest of the day to cool down (he hoped) and see reason. At least with Sheldon you knew he was going to be reasonable, at least in the Sheldonian sense of reasonableness. With Howard, there was no telling what you'd get.

His laptop began chiming a Skype call. Leonard slipped it out of its case and set it on his desk, opening it so he could answer the call. It was his mother.

"Mother," he said, mildly surprised. She rarely called him; she actually spent a lot more time Skyping with Sheldon than with him. "Did you mean to call Sheldon?"

"Hello, Leonard," Beverly said. "No, I wanted to talk to you this time. I've been hearing some talk around the university about a number of papers you've published recently." She adjusted her glasses and gave him a mildly approving look. "I must say," she said in her usual monotone. "I am quite delighted to hear that they have all been very favorably received in the scientific community."

"Why thank you, Mother," Leonard said, smiling at the unexpected praise. "I'm glad you're pleased."

"Yes, I've experienced an unexpected rush of endorphins," Beverly noted. "Interestingly, it was somewhat akin to my first orgasm."

"Thanks for sharing that, Mother," Leonard muttered. Way, way too much information!

"You're welcome," Beverly replied, either missing or ignoring the sarcasm. "It will be interesting when I inform your brother and sister of your accomplishments."

"Really?" Leonard smiled. "You think they'll be proud of me, too?"

"More likely relieved," Beverly answered. "I know Michael has been worried that you would never achieve the relative success your sister has enjoyed with her diabetes research. I certainly am relieved as well."

"Alright, Mother," Leonard said, growing tired of the conversation. "Send everyone my love, I'll talk to you soon." He ended the Skype call.

Well, that was more than likely the most approval he was likely to ever get from his mother—he'd better take it.

=ooo=

A couple of weeks later—
Leonard's star continued to rise at Caltech. His tenure was approved, earning him a private office on the upper floor of the physics department building, Professor Tupperman's old office, in fact, now that the smell had been eliminated.

Gabelhauser and Siebert were falling all over Leonard now that his instant celebrity had focused attention on Caltech's physics department. Leonard was the guest of honor at a couple of hastily-arranged fund raisers, talking with prospective donors about their recent work as well as the articles he'd written. Notably, though Sheldon, Raj and Howard were invited to the fund raisers as well, none of them showed up.

Things were no better the rest of the time. In the cafeteria Leonard was now shunned from eating with the guys, who filled the fourth chair at their table with none other than Barry Kripke, who also nursed a grudge against Leonard for getting the tenure position even though he'd been eliminated from the nominations a long time ago.

In a mild act of retaliation, Leonard used his lunch time to work on additional articles, which he submitted to various physics journals. Within a few weeks he had three more articles written and submitted, building even more celebrity for himself, and increasing the tension between him and his roommate and fellow physicists.

Leonard tried to explain himself to Penny, but she had taken to going places after work that didn't include Leonard, sometimes staying out late three or four nights during the week. She explained this as time spent with Bernadette, whom she said she was helping her with some "work issues." Though Penny spending extra time on work-related stuff didn't quite ring true, when Leonard called Bernadette to check up on Penny they were always together. Leonard finally shrugged to himself and put it out of his mind. Being alone did give him extra time to work on some ideas that had come to him in the past few days, ideas that would be of benefit to everyone, not just physicists or mathematicians.

=ooo=

In his apartment, Sheldon sat at his desk doing a final proofreading on his article expanding on the superfluid vacuum theory hypothesis developed in his and Leonard's original article on the subject. He and Leonard had barely spoken in the past few weeks, and he no longer joined them in the cafeteria for lunch, being too busy with his "work" and showing off with President Siebert on fund-raisers and other functions that were cashing in on his current "celebrity." It was disgusting—mostly because should be he, Sheldon Cooper, who was revealing the secrets of the universe to the world!

Well, his new paper would blow the lid off their original work, Sheldon was sure of that. Pretty sure. He hoped…

Sheldon slumped, depressed. He shouldn't feel this way, he told himself. He had a superior mind, one that did not become distracted by petty human problems like loneliness and heartache. He should be above all that, immune to it!

But he did feel that way, he had to admit. Things just weren't the same since Amy left. It had been weeks since he'd seen or heard from her. It was no good. Instead of working on this article, he told himself, he should be thinking of a way to get Amy back.

No, that's crazy talk, another part of him objected. You're Sheldon Lee Cooper, theoretical physicist extraordinaire, not some lovesick hotsy-totsy biologist! You have to rise about this! Sheldon sat up again, taking a deep, calming breath, and resolved to continue on with his work, unfazed by unimportant issues like love and relationships and—

His computer suddenly signaled a Skype call coming in. Sheldon immediately closed his article and ran Skype.

Amy Farrah Fowler appeared on the screen. "Hello, Sheldon," she said, in her usual flat, emotionless tone, though Sheldon thought her expression was a bit more unhappy and maybe longing than usual. She was definitely calling to make up with him!

"Amy!" Sheldon said, pleased by her unexpected call. "It is pleasant seeing you again. May I assume that you've come crawling back to me to beg forgiveness for running off and leaving me hanging for the past two weeks?"

Amy suppressed a sigh. "Sheldon, I have been thinking long and hard about our relationship. I am not crawling back to you. I called to see if you're doing okay and if there was anything you wanted to ask me now that we haven't spoken for a while."

Sheldon was silent for several seconds. He seemed to be thinking deeply as he stared at Amy through the electronic eye of her laptop's camera. Finally he spoke. "Yes," he admitted. "I do have a question for you." He looked searchingly into her eyes. "Do you know where my World's Greatest Physicist mug is? It's not in its designated position in the kitchen cabinet and Leonard swears he never touched it—"

"Goodbye, Sheldon," Amy said, reaching for the keyboard to end the call.

"Wait," Sheldon called out before she could hit the key. "I have been thinking about you for the past few weeks," he said, slowly, feeling his way through a tangle of unfamiliar emotions. "I would like to talk to you; perhaps we could meet somewhere?"

"Perhaps," Amy agreed, wondering what was going through Sheldon's mind. Even though progress with him had been agonizingly slow over the past five years, he had surprised her a couple of times recently with the depths of emotion he seemed to have for her. Asking her whether he should watch The Flash had struck her exactly the wrong way at the just right time to make her doubt their feelings for one another. Maybe she should rethink that. "Where should we meet?" she asked.

"Perhaps the coffee shop where we first met?" Sheldon suggested.

"That would be fine," Amy agreed, managing a small smile. Having them meet there gave her the barest glimmer of hope they could salvage their relationship.

"Very well, then," Sheldon nodded. "Shall we say tomorrow afternoon at 4:30?"

Amy nodded. That was the exact time they had met on their first date! Things were definitely looking up! "I will see you then, Sheldon." She reached for the key to end the call.

"And Amy?" Sheldon leaned forward. "One more thing, and it's very important for me to say this to you."

"Yes, Sheldon?" Amy leaned forward as well.

"It's your turn to buy the beverages, so don't forget to bring some money." Sheldon smiled and the call ended.

Amy sat back, looking at the blank screen. She smiled. "He remembered…" she said, dreamily.

=ooo=

That evening, at Raj's apartment—
Raj and Emily were sitting on Raj's couch, arms wrapped intimately around each other as they kissed. In the chair next to the couch Cinnamon, Raj's Yorkshire Terrier, was curled up and licking herself.

"Cinnamon, stop that!" Raj commanded. "You'll give Emily ideas!"

Emily smiled at him. "Maybe I've already got some ideas."

"I don't know," Raj said doubtfully. "Do you think you can bend that far?"

Emily laughed. "I was thinking of something a little different."

"I don't know how much more different we can get than doing it in a graveyard."

"Well, we'll see…" Emily said, then looked at Cinnamon and snapped her fingers. Suddenly, sitting on the chair was a beautiful young woman with long, brown hair.

"Oh, hi," the woman said, then looked down at herself. "Wow, so this is what it feels like to have two legs!"

"What did you do?!" Raj gasped, his eyes wide as he stared at the woman sitting where Cinnamon had been. "Who are you?" he asked the woman.

"Don't you recognize me, Master?" the woman said. "I'm Cinnamon!"

Raj's astonished gaze went from his former dog to his current girlfriend. "You can do that?" he said to her.

"Of course," Emily said. "It's a snap." To emphasize the point she snapped her fingers again. The beautiful young woman turned back into a dog, staring at the two of them with her ears raised.

"Why would you want to make her human?" Raj asked, trying to wrap his head around the idea.

Emily gave him a provocative look. "Come on, Raj, think about it a bit. You and two beautiful women…" She snapped her fingers again and Cinnamon was back in her human form.

Raj looked at Emily, then at Cinnamon. "You mean…"

"What do you think?" Emily asked, waggling her eyebrows. "You know the old saying, 'A man's best friend is his dog.'"

Raj looked a Cinnamon, who smiled back at him, panting a little, with her tongue hanging out of her mouth. Somehow that made the situation both weird and really, really hot.

Raj patted his hands on his lap. "Cinnamon! Come to Daddy!" Cinnamon jumped up, hurried over and sat down across his legs. She and he held a long, lingering kiss. "Wow," Raj muttered when they were finished. He looked at Emily, who was giving him an unreadable look. "So," he said huskily, trying to play it as macho as possible. "What's next?"

"I'll tell you what's next," Emily said, standing. "I'm out of here!"

"What?!" Raj came to his feet, dropping Cinnamon on the sofa as he stood. "What happened?! I thought you wanted this!"

"I wanted to see if you wanted it, you douche!" Emily snapped. She was gathering up her coat and purse. "If you'd have sex with your dog you'd probably have it with anyone!"

"But—but—" Raj sputtered. "She's not a dog, she's a woman!"

"You know she's both, and you still wanted to do her, didn't you?" Emily accused. "Well, I hope the two of you will be very happy together!" Emily disappeared.

Raj slumped, then dropped dejectedly back onto the sofa. "Oh my God, Cinnamon," he moaned. "What am I going to do? The only woman I ever truly loved has just left me! I'm going to be alone forever!"

"What about me, Master?" Cinnamon asked, looking a little hurt. "I'm still here, aren't I?"

Raj looked at her. "Yes, yes you are," he agreed. Slowly, he moved toward her, his lips pursed to kiss her. Cinnamon moved forward as well.

As their lips touched, Emily's voice rang out through the apartment. "Here, let me fix that for you!" There was a flash of light and Raj found himself being licked on the mouth by his dog once again.

"Oh well," he said, picking her up and holding her close so she could keep on licking, as a tear rolled down his cheek. "I'll always have your kisses."

=ooo=

The next afternoon, around 4:15 p.m.—
Leonard was in the laser lab, sitting at one of the tables working on his laptop. He was typing quickly, without notes, which he no longer needed. Ideas were flowing freely now, even if what he was working on now couldn't be published, not right away, until the time was right.

"Whatcha doin'?" a familiar voice asked, and Leonard looked up to see that Penny was standing next to him.

"Oh, hi," he said, then went back to typing. "I'm working on a few ideas for future experiments," he added as he continued to work.

"Like what?" Penny asked, looking over his shoulder at the bewildering array of equations and formulas on his laptop.

"Just some ideas," Leonard answered vaguely. "I think I know a way to implement molecular nanotechnology now instead of 15 years from now. We can use it to help in manufacturing some high-efficiency solar panels I've been designing. Oh," he looked up and smiled at her. "Plus, I figured out how to make the RF resonant cavity thruster even more efficient!"

"Wow," Penny said, impressed. She had no idea what Leonard was talking about. "Pretty neat."

"Thanks," Leonard said, distractedly. "The nanotech should really be useful in significantly advancing both our advanced space program and biomedical research. I just have to figure out how I'm going to release this information without anyone tracing it back to me."

Penny shook her head, confused. "Um, why would you do that? Don't you want to be recognized for those accomplishments?"

Leonard stopped typing and looked at her. "I'm already being recognized for the Millennium Prizes—they've confirmed three already, and the last two will be confirmed within another week or so. That's five million dollars!" He grinned excitedly at her. "Do you know what that means?!"

"It means I better give you the number of my financial advisor," Penny told him.

"You're right," Leonard agreed. "But anyway, it means we're financially set for life! With that, and with tenure, I don't need to worry about having to go anywhere else for work, unless we want to!"

"That's really wonderful, Leonard," Penny agreed.

Something in her tone made Leonard pause. "I'm sensing a 'but' coming," he said, apprehensively.

"I just wonder what this is going to do our friends," Penny pointed out. "We haven't heard from any of them for the past few weeks. Bernadette's told me that Howard is still steamed at you, and you and Sheldon are barely speaking these days."

"I know," Leonard sighed, closing his laptop. "Listen," he told her. "I figured out some time ago why I've been able to write these advanced papers and stuff. I thought at first I had finally hit my stride, but I realized that I probably wished for the increased intelligence I have now."

Penny nodded. "That makes sense," she agreed. "So now that you've figured that out, what are you going to do?"

"I don't know what I can do," Leonard shrugged helplessly. "I can't pull back my papers—three of the Millennium Prizes have already been confirmed, and I'm getting a lot of positive feedback on my physics articles. There's no way to stop any of that now."

"Well, there might be a way," Penny suggested, giving him a knowing look.

"You mean with witchcraft," Leonard said. Penny nodded. "I don't know," he muttered. "It seems like everything is just too big to call it all back."

"Maybe," Penny said, uncertainly. "I'm not sure. I'll talk to Bernadette, see what she thinks."

"Okay," Leonard nodded, then did a double-take. "What-what-what do you mean, you'll talk to Bernadette? What could she do?"

"Oh." Penny hadn't intended to let Leonard in on that secret so soon. "Um, well, I kind of helped Bernadette become a witch."

"What?!" Leonard gasped. "Bernadette's a witch now?! Why would you do that?! You know Howard wanted to force you to give him stuff so he wouldn't reveal to anyone that you're a witch!"

"I did," Penny nodded. "That's why I helped Bernadette become one. And we took care of Howard—now he thinks all that was just a dream."

"That's not going to solve the problem!" Leonard said. "Howard's not an idiot, he's going to figure it out again at some point! And what about Raj and Sheldon? They both still know you're a witch, too! And Emily's a witch!" Leonard shook his head, almost in a daze. "I mean, what are the three of you going to do next—start a coven and run around Pasadena fighting evil with your magic?!"

"So what if we did?!" Penny snapped. "It would be better than what you're doing—using your intelligence to make money and fame for yourself!"

"I'm using my intelligence to help everybody!" Leonard shouted. "Starting with myself, I guess," he added, in a calmer voice. He pointed at his laptop. "But the work I'm doing now will benefit the world, not just you and me! If you three begin running around fighting evil that's just the plot of Charmed!"

"Well, if that's what the three of us want to do, we'll do it, and you can't stop us, Leonard Hofstadter!" Penny fumed, then vanished with a loud crack of thunder, shaking the lab.

"Oh yeah?!" Leonard yelled. "Well—good for you, then!" He stood there for several seconds, not knowing what to do next, then turned to sit down in front of his computer.

"And another thing," Penny said as she appeared out of thin air, startling him. "I got a callback from Kevin Smith a couple of weeks ago to audition for Clerks 3, and I'm seriously considering doing it now! What do you think about that?!"

"I think you should do whatever makes you feel happy and fulfilled!" Leonard snapped, annoyed.

"Good!" Penny yelled back. "I will!" She disappeared.

"Good!" Leonard shouted into the air. "I'm glad for you!" He turned back to his computer again—

Penny appeared again. "And I think you ought to do whatever makes you happy and fulfilled, too!" she shouted at him.

"Good! I will!"

"Good!" Penny vanished again.

He waited for several seconds, almost expecting Penny to return. "Great job, Hofstadter," he muttered to himself, when she didn't. "You'd think after eight years of knowing one another we could do this without shouting." He sighed and sat down in front of his computer again, returning to his writing.

=ooo=

4:30 p.m.—
Sheldon entered the coffee house at precisely 4:30 p.m., stepping inside and looking around tentatively. It had been five years since he'd been here; ironically, he and Amy had never returned to this place after their first meeting. It did not seem much changed, Sheldon's eidetic memory informed him: the tables were arranged in the same way, and the pastry displays were very similar to what they had been in 2010. Even the servers were familiar, though it could have been that their uniforms hadn't changed—Sheldon didn't bother to remember people's faces, as the vast majority of them didn't interest him.

Amy didn't seem to be here yet, though Sheldon detected the faint aroma of Head and Shoulders, her latest foray into the world of dandruff shampoos, in the air. She had either been here and left, or he had not seen her yet. Sheldon hoped it was the latter, though the coffee house was not that large.

"Sir," a girl behind a counter called to him. "May I get something for you?"

"Perhaps," Sheldon said, stepping closer. "Have you seen a young woman, about five-feet-four-inches, with straight brown hair, waiting in here?"

"Um," the server said, "yes, actually. She ordered two lemonades, paid for them, and said she would pick them up after she returned from the restroom." She pointed to two cups on the counter. "Here they are."

"Oh, good," Sheldon said. "She remembered." He started to walk away.

"Sir?" the girl called out again. "Don't you want the lemonades?"

"Do you have any latex gloves back there?" Sheldon asked.

The girl blinked. "Er, no."

"Then I'll wait," Sheldon said. As he turned he came upon Amy, who was putting on a latex glove. "Oh, hello Amy," he said.

"Hello, Sheldon," she replied, picking up one of the lemonades with her gloved hand and the other with her bare hand. She followed Sheldon to a table where she placed the lemonade from her gloved hand in front of him. "There you are," she said. "I had them make it just the way you like it, with real lemons and organic honey."

"Thank you, Amy," Sheldon said, taking a sip of the lemonade. "Ah, refreshing!" he said. "You know, it's hard to find a place that serves lemonade made with honey these days."

"I know," Amy agreed. "Fortunately, I still had some honey from the last time I made it for you," she pulled a half-empty jar from her purse to show him.

"You're so thoughtful," Sheldon said, smiling. "So, have you decided to give up on this mad distemper and reinstate our relationship agreement?"

"Sheldon, the relationship agreement has not been nullified," Amy said. "I am just rethinking my priorities."

"You realize we've missed two Date Nights," Sheldon pointed out. "Those are on you; I am not under any contractual obligation to retroactively honor them—"

"Sheldon," Amy put up a hand, silencing him. "I don't care about the missed Date Nights! What I care about is us, and I want to know, right now, where you think our relationship is going. And I don't want to hear about terms and conditions or any of that other nonsense—I want you to tell me what you want from me, now, or I'm walking out that door and you and I are never seeing each other again!"

Her voice had risen until it carried throughout the coffee shop; everyone in the shop was looking at them. "I see," Sheldon said, taking a napkin and wiping his mouth. "All right, then." He reached into his pocket, pulling out a small box, and held it up before him. "Does this tell you what I want?" he opened the box, revealing the ring.

"Ohh, my," Amy gasped (as did several other women in the coffee shop). "Oh, Sheldon," she smiled, melting inside.

"Amy Farrah Fowler," Sheldon said, getting down on one knee next to her. He took the ring out of the box and placed it on her left hand. "Will you marry me?"

Amy stared at the ring, then at Sheldon, in shock. "Sheldon," she whispered. "Are you really proposing to me?"

Sheldon nodded. "I really am. Will you?"

"Yes! Yes! Yes!" Amy cried, leaning over and hugging him. The coffee shop exploded into applause.

"Um, okay," Sheldon said, uncomfortable with the hug and the applause—his enochlophobia was beginning to kick in, even though there were probably less than 36 adults in the shop.

Amy let him go, positively quivering with excitement. "I can hardly wait to tell all our friends," she gushed. She suddenly lowered her voice. "Do you think we can talk Penny into sending us to Rio de Janeiro for our honeymoon? I've always wanted to see Brazil!"

That was a sore point for Sheldon. "I don't think so," he said, shaking his head. "Since Leonard and Penny betrayed me a few weeks ago I've barely spoken to either of them."

"I don't understand," Amy said, confused. "You told me that Penny was a—"

"I know what I said," Sheldon interrupted. "The problem is with Leonard. He insisted he somehow increased his own intelligence using what he calls 'wishcraft,' and has been writing papers in advanced mathematics and physics. He's even solved five Millennium Prize problems."

"Oh, my," Amy said. "Aren't those worth a million dollars apiece?"

"Yes," Sheldon said, dejectedly. "I'm afraid he's on the fast track for a Nobel as well. The university has already given him tenure and a private office on the top floor of the physics building!"

"Oh, Sheldon, I'm sorry," Amy said, commiserating with him. "Do Raj and Howard know about this?"

"Yes, but I haven't spoken with them about it in any detail since we confronted Leonard in the cafeteria a couple of weeks ago," Sheldon said, starting to become upset. His proposing to Amy had gotten him all worked up, and thinking about Leonard getting all the accolades and rewards he should be getting was intolerable! "I don't know what I'm going to do about this, Amy!"

"We'll think of something," Amy said, rubbing his arm sympathetically, smiling as Sheldon barely flinched at her touch. "For now, let's plan to have everyone over tonight to tell them the good news! Do you want to set a date for our wedding?"

Sheldon thought for a moment. It might have been the fructose in the honey getting him all jazzed up, but he waved an arm magnanimously. "Whenever you decide," he said.

"Really?" Amy beamed. "How about tonight? We can drive to Vegas after we announce our engagement, and come home as Mr. and Mrs. Sheldon Cooper!"

Sheldon hesitated a moment. That was a big change in his life. But he'd already gone through the rabbit hole, he realized, when he'd bought the ring. Getting married today would also show his two ex-friends that he and Amy were still a better couple than they were!

"All right," Sheldon agreed. "Except it will be Dr. and Dr. Cooper," he pointed out, already plotting to release his own article tonight, synchronized with the announcement of their engagement. Even if he couldn't beat Leonard to the Nobel Prize, he could at least get married before him!

=ooo=

That evening, in apartment 4A—
Leonard was sitting in his usual chair staring at a text on his cell phone when there was a knock on the front door. He stood and walked over to open it, finding Penny there, holding her cell phone as well. "Oh, hi," he said, a little uncomfortably, the argument they'd had earlier still on his mind. "What's up?"

"I got this weird message from Sheldon," Penny said, holding up her phone. "It says to meet in your apartment at eight p.m. for a big announcement. Do you know what's going on?"

"No," Leonard shook his head. "I just hope he isn't planning on doing something stupid."

"Like what?" Penny asked, coming into the apartment.

"Like trying to blow up my brain or something because I won those Millennium Prizes," Leonard muttered. He shut the door, only to have someone else knock on it before he could walk away. He opened the door again to find Howard and Bernadette standing there.

"What's going on?" Howard wanted to know. Bernadette was smiling but he didn't look very happy to be there. "We got a message from Sheldon telling us to come over." He glanced at Leonard. "I kind of hoped Sheldon was gone to announce he was taking another train trip."

"Howie, be nice," Bernadette said as they stepped inside.

"Well, a guy's gotta have dreams," Howard muttered.

"We don't know any more than you do," Penny said, shrugging.

Before Howard could shut the door Raj walked in. "Hey, buddy," Howard said in greeting. "How's it going?"

"Fine," Raj said curtly, not looking at Howard.

"Bernie and I thought you and Emily were coming over tonight for dinner earlier, what happened?" Howard asked.

"Why?" Raj snapped. "Do we need to make reservations with you now?"

Howard and Bernadette looked at each other. "No," Howard said. "We just wondered—"

"Well, don't worry, nothing happened, stop badgering me about it!" Raj said, speaking rapidly. He walked away from Howard toward the refrigerator, leaving him staring after Raj.

In spite of the lingering tension between them, Leonard and Penny exchanged a look. Raj's behavior suggested there was something he wanted to say, but wasn't sure how to bring it up. But before either of them could question Raj on what was going on, the apartment door opened again and Sheldon and Amy came in. "Hello," Sheldon said, seeing everyone.

"Ames!" Penny cried, happy to see Amy again. She and Bernadette both ran over to give Amy a hug. "We missed you!"

"I missed you too," Amy nodded. "Wait'll you hear—"

"Amy," Sheldon warned. "That's not the way we rehearsed this."

"Sorry, Sheldon," Amy said, quieting down.

Sheldon nodded, then cleared his throat and poised himself to speak—

"WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!" Amy shouted before Sheldon could say anything. Amy held out her hand, showing everyone the engagement ring. Everyone clustered around them, admiring the ring, hugging Amy and shaking Sheldon's hand.

"This is fantastic!" Leonard said excitedly. "I'm really happy for you, Sheldon!"

"Thank you, Leonard," Sheldon replied coolly.

"Have you set a date yet?" Penny asked, teasingly.

"Yes," Amy nodded. "Tonight! We're leaving after this to go to Vegas and get married!"

"Really?" Penny and Leonard looked at one another, surprised. "Don't you think that's a little quick?" Penny asked.

"You two were going to Las Vegas to get married," Sheldon pointed out.

"But we've been engaged for a year now, Sheldon," Leonard countered. "We've had time to think about things before we ran off—"

"Quiet, Leonard," Amy elbowed him in the side. Leonard shut up.

"Yes, Leonard," Sheldon agreed, starting to look upset. "Why would you want to take this away from me as well? You've already taken away just about everything I aspired to in life! You have money now, the university has given you tenure and your own top-floor office, and you're well on your way to a Nobel Prize. The least you could do is let me have Amy and what's left of my dignity."

"You're lucky, dude," Raj had not joined the others around Sheldon and Amy—he was slumped in one of the living room chairs. "At least you still have a girlfriend!"

"Oh, no, what happened?" Penny asked.

"She dumped me!" Raj burst into tears. "One moment we were so happy together—the next, she was gone!"

"I told you he'd blow it," Howard whispered to Bernadette.

"I heard that!" Raj cried. "Way to twist the knife in, Howard!"

"Look, I'm sorry, Raj," Howard apologized. "So what happened?"

Raj opened his mouth, then realized how the thing with him and Cinnamon was going to sound and said, "Never mind what happened! She left me and I'm devastated by it!"

Sheldon walked over to where Raj was sitting. "Raj, I want you to know I'm very sorry to hear things didn't work out with your girlfriend."

"Thank you, Sheldon," Raj murmured.

"And if you think it would help, you're welcome to accompany Amy and me to Vegas for our wedding and honeymoon."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Amy was between Sheldon and Raj in a moment. "No he's not! Sheldon, this is our moment! You are not outsourcing your wedding to an Indian!"

"Rats," Sheldon pouted.

"Don't you two get it?!" Raj whined. "Emily left me! She just packed up her broom and left!"

"What kind of crack is that?" Howard asked. " 'Packed up her broom?' What do you think she is, your maid?" He glanced at Bernadette. "That was the correct response, wasn't it?" Bernadette just glared at him.

"No, dude, I told you—she's a witch." Raj said.

"Say what?" Howard sputtered.

"Oh, balls," Penny muttered.

"No she's not!" Bernadette insisted.

"What, you knew she was?!" Amy gasped. "I thought Penny was the witch!"

"Penny's a WITCH?!" Howard shouted, looking at Penny in shock. "Everybody calm down!" Leonard said loudly, trying to restore order.

"I knew this wasn't going to work!" Sheldon fumed. "Leonard, once again you've ruined things for everyone with your inability to keep a secret!"

"MY inability to keep a secret?!" Leonard bellowed. "Your picture is in the dictionary next to the phrase, 'Can't keep a secret'! And besides, Raj is the one who just said Penny's a witch!"

"Did you KNOW Penny was a witch?" Howard was asking Bernadette. "When were you going to tell me?"

"I already did!" Bernadette shot back. "You didn't handle it very well!"

"Well, it's not something you'd expect to hear when talking about your friends!"

"How about when you're talking about your wife?!"

"ALRIGHT, ENOUGH!" Penny shouted. "Everybody FREEZE!"

Everyone in the room stopped moving except Penny and Bernadette.

"Well, this turned out to be quite a get-together," Bernadette said, sarcastically.

"Well, we had this all worked out until Sheldon and Amy suddenly decided to get married," Penny complained. "When did they even get back together?"

"Maybe they just pretended to break up," Bernadette suggested.

"No," Penny disagreed. "Sheldon was really broken up about Amy being gone. That's why this sudden urge to get married is strange. If I didn't know Sheldon and Amy were in love I'd think one of my relatives put a love spell on them or something…" her voice trailed off as she considered another possibility.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Bernadette asked.

"I think so," Penny nodded, then looked up at the ceiling. "Emily!"

The name hung in the air for several seconds before Emily popped in, giving Penny an annoyed look. "What do you want?" she demanded.

"Did you put a spell on Sheldon and Amy to make them want to get married?" Penny asked, tartly. She and Emily still weren't on good terms.

"No," Emily said, like that should be obvious. "What do I care what those two mortals do?

"Fine," Penny shrugged. "But what's the deal with you leaving Raj? I thought you two were getting along great."

"He turned out to be like most mortal men are—a pig," Emily said. "He wanted to have sex—with his dog!"

"Oh, my," Bernadette breathed. "That's awful!"

"Wait a minute," Penny objected. "Did you turn her into a human before he wanted to sleep with her?"

"What difference does that make?" Emily hedged.

"All the difference in the world!" Penny exploded. "You set him up!"

"Of course I set him up!" Emily flared back. "I wanted to prove he would sink to a new low, even for a mortal male. It's not my fault he lived down to my expectations!"

"You know we have bigger problems to deal with than just Raj's sex life?" Bernadette pointed out.

"Yeah," Penny grudgingly agreed. "Fine. Let me just bring Leonard out of it." She snapped her fingers in front of his face, canceling the time stop spell on him.

"ALL RIGHT EVERYONE!" Leonard shouted the moment he could move. "LET'S JUST SETTLE—" his voice dropped to almost a whisper as he realized he was the only one talking "—down?" Leonard looked around, confused for a moment. "What happened?"

"I froze everyone," Penny said. "Things were getting entirely out of hand."

"I agree," Leonard said. He looked at the others frozen around him. "Maybe you can unfreeze them one at a time and we can talk to them, make them understand why your being a witch needs to be kept secret—"

"No use," Emily butted in. "Mortals can't help themselves—they've got to talk about their juicy little secrets sooner or later. Fortunately, when they try to expose one of us as a witch or warlock, most of the time people think they're drunk or loony or something."

"So what do you suggest we do?" Penny asked.

Emily looked around at the frozen figures of Raj, Howard, Amy, and Sheldon. "We make them forget we're witches. It's probably safer that way, given that I'm not going to see Raj anymore, and Howard would try to find a way to scam on us if he remembered."

Leonard looked uneasy. "I'm not comfortable taking people's memories from them…"

"It's better in the long run," Emily insisted. "Look, Leonard, from what I've seen, you're the only one in this group who was able to handle a significant other being a witch. Everyone else either forgot they knew the person or wanted something from them. That doesn't speak well of any of these mortals."

"I think she's right," Penny agreed. "We can be more careful in the future, avoid telling anyone about me or Bernadette." She looked at Emily. "You're not going to hang around now that you're not seeing Raj anymore? I think it would break his heart if he still had to see you after you dumped him, even if he doesn't remember you're a witch."

"I can fix that, too," Emily pointed out. "I'll just make Raj think of me as sort of a sister to him." She smiled. "Given how protective he is of his own sisters, he can be sort of like my mortal guardian angel."

Leonard listened to this conversation with growing unease. "But we haven't had to do anything like this before," he pointed out.

"Things haven't been this bad before," Bernadette replied. "I'm new at this witch thing but I'm going with Penny and Emily on this."

Leonard waved his hands in front of him. "You do what you want," he said, backing away from the three of them. "I don't want any part of this!" He turned and walked out the door.

Penny, watching him go, sighed unhappily as the door slammed behind him. "Great," she muttered. "Well, I'll talk to him later. Let's get everyone squared away."

=ooo=

Afterwards, in apartment 4B—
Leonard was sitting on the sofa, his smart phone in his hand when Penny entered her apartment. "Hi," she said quietly, sitting down next to him.

"Hi," he murmured in reply, not looking at her.

"Everything's taken care of," Penny said, wanting to explain what they'd done. "Nobody will remember that Bernadette, Emily or I are witches. When Raj sees Emily he will think of her like a sister instead of an "ex." Howard won't remember anything about any of us being witches."

"What about Sheldon and Amy?" Leonard asked, setting his phone on the coffee table and turning to her. "Are they on their way to Vegas to get married?"

Penny looked away. "Well, no," she said. "We kind of thought they made that decision a little too hastily. We changed that so they're going to be engaged for a year before they revise the Engagement Agreement."

Leonard blinked disbelievingly. "You had them make an Engagement Agreement?!"

"Well, yeah." Penny smiled a bit deviously. "You know how much Sheldon loves writing agreements. It seemed perfectly reasonable at the time."

"Well, there is that," Leonard admitted. He picked up his phone and handed it to her. "Here."

"What?" she asked, accepting the phone. Leonard pointed to the display, which was showing his current savings account balance. The number read $3,000,579.32.

"That's my current bank balance," he said. The 597.32 was my life savings up until a few weeks ago. Now I've got three million and two more on the way."

"I know," Penny smiled, then leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. "I'm so proud of you!"

"I know," Leonard said, not looking at her. His voice was oddly distance. "But I've been thinking…"

Penny sat back. "Thinking about what?"

"About us." Leonard looked at her again. "You know I somehow wished this Brainiac thing I've got now onto me."

"Well, it didn't seem like something Endora would do to you."

"I thought about that as well," Leonard said. "It did cause a lot of friction between me and the guys. But I was able to remember wishing one night I was smart enough to figure everything out." He gave a small shrug. "Be careful what you wish for, I guess.

"If I had thought about it at the beginning I might have done things differently," he went on. "But I was too busy trying to catch up to you financially, to showing up Sheldon intellectually, and maybe wanting to impress my mother enough to make her take notice of me."

Penny was looking at him with growing concern. "Leonard, I'm not sure where you're going with all this…"

"When I left the apartment I came over here to think," Leonard pressed on. "To think about us, and where we've been going for the past eight years. We've been on, then off, then on again and off again. We've both been afraid of what this engagement means, and I've been going over every scenario I can think of for us to be together and be happy." He shook his head slowly. "I don't think we can."

"Leonard, what are you saying?" Penny asked, in a quivering voice.

"I'm saying—" Leonard stopped, took a deep breath, then continued. "I'm saying, I don't think we can do this."

"Leonard, no!" Penny gasped. "We can—"

"No." Leonard tapped the side of his head. "I can't think of any way for you and me to work out. We're too different. We've always been different."

"But we've always been attracted to one another!" Penny exclaimed. "At least, I've known you were always attracted to me—"

"That's true," Leonard agreed. "But you've never been truly happy with me."

"That's not true!" Penny objected. "I've been—I've been—" words were failing her. "Leonard, what you and I have is a better, more—contented—type of love!"

"Contented?" Leonard smiled sadly. "That's not really what you've wanted, is it?"

"I—" She wasn't explaining this right! "Leonard, I gave up a movie offer for you! Don't you understand how important that used to be to me?!"

"If it really is that important to you," Leonard replied. "You ought to go for it. But if I were you, I'd try to work out of leave of absence from your pharmaceutical rep job, just in case things with the movie don't work out."

"They're not going to work out!" Penny yelled. "Because I'm not going to do the movie! I already told Kevin Smith 'no' weeks ago! Don't you get it, Leonard?! I'm choosing you!"

"I really wish things could work out," Leonard said. "But the numbers don't lie." He got to his feet and walked to the door. "Penny, I'm really sorry, but I don't think we should be in each other's lives any more. We are doomed to fail, we've always been doomed to fail. I'm going to go now."

Leonard reached for the door, but Penny was somehow there before him, holding it closed. "Leonard—" she said, then reached out and hugged him.

He put his arms around her, holding her back. "Please, please, please don't do this," she whispered in his ear, holding him even tighter. They were well past five Mississippis by now.

"I'm sorry," he said again, then kissed her cheek a last time. "I wish I knew how to fix this." He let her go and each of them suppressed a sob that threatened to escape. "Goodbye," Leonard murmured, then slipped through the door and was gone, leaving Penny alone.

=ooo=

A/N: Okay, wow. I'll bet you didn't see that coming. To be concluded in the next and final chapter. Review and leave me any thoughts or comments you may have.