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Episode Fourteen
The Brainiac Conclusion
Concluded 6/26/2015
=ooo=
June 26, 2015—
Leonard stared at his laptop's display, reading the conclusion of his most recent paper on dark matter physics. The paper proposed several experiments designed to indirectly measure the dark matter content of the Milky Way galaxy using techniques he'd derived in several previous papers written during the months of May and June. If he was right (and Leonard was pretty sure he was), dark matter was the exotic material needed to make his own variant of the Alcubierre drive physically realizable. The Alcubierre drive, a theoretical method of achieving faster-than-light speeds, had been proposed in 1994 by Miguel Alcubierre. Leonard had taken his own ideas on dark matter and speculated on how they might be applied to the drive. The resultant paper, he felt, was a step in the right direction, though it would be a few decades before the technology necessary to build the drive would catch up to his physics.
Satisfied with his writing, Leonard filed the paper and shut down the laptop, standing and stretching to get the kinks out of his back and legs. He hadn't been doing much more in the past two months than eating, sleeping and writing, along with some time off to make the move to his own apartment. With Sheldon and Amy back together and planning their wedding, and his own breakup with Penny, he'd decided he needed to live somewhere else.
As it turned out, apartment 5A was currently unoccupied and apartment 5B had become available at the beginning of May. Leonard negotiated a very reasonable lease with the apartment owners for both apartments in return for fronting them the money to have the building's elevator repaired, after only 12 years out of order. When the new elevator was put in he had a security system installed in it that only allowed access to the fifth floor through the elevator, and had contractors build a corridor in the fifth floor foyer that attached the two apartments via a narrow hallway. People could pass through the now-smaller foyer to reach the roof, but could not ride the elevator to the fifth floor without a key to access the security system. The added security was a concession to his superiors at Caltech, who had wanted him to move out of the apartment for safety reasons. They'd thought there would be problems with him and Dr. Cooper continuing to live in the same building after Leonard's newfound fame had catapulted him ahead of Sheldon, but he hadn't wanted to take that big a step just yet. Something, he wasn't sure just what, made him want to stay here.
Leonard made himself a cup of tea, taking a seat on his new leather sofa (on the left side, where Sheldon normally would sit if this was their apartment) and turned on his new Sony 79" 4K Ultra HD TV to watch an episode of Babylon 5 from his Sony 400-disc Blu-ray mega-changer, the sound running through his 7.1-channel 260 watt-per-channel receiver.
After a few minutes, however, he turned off the TV, bored. Babylon 5 no longer really interested him anymore. In fact, none of the shows he used to like were interesting anymore. Even Buffy the Vampire Slayer seemed silly to him now; he remembered how much he'd loved that show when it was on, and well after it had gone off the air. All that seemed quite remote and unimportant to him now. Now, all he did was write paper after paper on highly advanced topics in physics, mathematics, and information theory. It was all very important and would one day transform the world into a post-Singularity utopia, something Sheldon had once worried that he would die before it could be achieved, well before the 2100 A.D. date he had calculated. Of course, being Sheldon, only the date that he had calculated had been correct, though numerous other dates had been predicted. With the advances Leonard was bringing about, he estimated the Singularity could take place by around 2025 to 2030, only ten to 15 years from present day.
But right now was the problem, and Leonard didn't know what to do with his boredom. "I know what it is," he said to himself. "It's obvious. I don't have anyone to do anything with!"
It was true. The breakup with Penny had alienated him from all of his friends: Howard and Raj avoided him at work, eating with each other or with Sheldon and pointedly ignoring him whenever he entered the cafeteria these days. Penny, Bernadette and Emily had made everyone forget they were witches, but they still seemed to dislike him for some reason.
In fact the only people that would associate with him were the senior members of the physics and mathematics departments, Dr. Gabelhauser, the physics department chair, or President Siebert himself; both of the latter two men mostly saw him as a highly desirable asset that was galvanizing their research fundraising and recruitment opportunities. No one was interested in discussing the more interesting aspects of dark matter research or the latest trends in cohomology theory.
He looked around his apartment. He'd had an interior decorator come in and give him suggestions on how to furnish and accessorize his apartment—he used 5A as his main living space—and he had set 5B up as a combination lab, library, and data center. It was like his Fortress of Solitude now, except that Leonard didn't have any superpowers except for his super-brain. He'd even had the door to 5B taken out of the foyer so the only access to the room was through the corridor adjoining the two apartments, and he'd hidden the door to the corridor behind a bookcase in 5A that was activated by a knob in a bust of Shakespeare sitting on a small table near the door, just like in the old Batman TV shows. It was kind of cool, actually, although he was fairly certain Penny would have told him he was using the word "cool" wrong.
Thinking of Penny invariably made him wonder if he'd done the right thing, breaking up with her. He'd gained a lot in the past few months—he had five million dollars in the bank now, minus the money he'd used to get the elevator fixed and his apartments redone, and his salary at Caltech was now well into six figures, reflecting his increased influence on the science being done there.
But he'd lost a lot as well—his family; his mother no longer spoke to him because he had "broken Sheldon's heart" in her words, and his brother and sister took their cues from Mommy dearest; his friends no longer spoke to him, at or away from work, and the only people who wanted to talk to him lately were either trying to recruit him away from Caltech or they wanted him as a guest lecturer at their university—Siebert and Gabelhauser were actually marketing him on the Caltech website! He'd even been approached by the NSA, the FBI and the CIA (though that last one was iffy—he wasn't sure whether the guy who'd approached him in the Caltech parking lot was a spook or just a homeless guy looking for a handout).
A sudden knock on the door startled Leonard. Who could be here? Only a few people had the key to the elevator—Dr. Siebert and the president of the company that had installed his security system. Someone could have walked up from the fourth floor, but only a few people knew he still lived here; his mail was now delivered to a P.O. Box that was picked up daily and delivered to his office at Caltech.
Leonard went over to the door and looked through the peephole, staring at the pretty brunette he saw on the other side. He recognized the face, but it couldn't be her—! Leonard opened the door. "Hello!" he said, surprised. "I didn't expect to see you!"
"Hello, Dr. Hofstadter," Alex Jensen replied, smiling at him. "I'm sorry to show up unannounced, but I have some good news and I wanted you to hear it from me first. May I come in?"
"Sure," Leonard said, beaming at her as she entered the apartment. "This is a pleasant surprise, I must say! So — so what's the good news you have? Oh! I have some tea, would you like a cup?"
"That would be very nice, thank you," Alex said, taking a seat on the couch Leonard offered to her.
He quickly fixed her a cup and brought it over, along with some packets of Sweet'n Low. "I remembered you take this in your tea," he murmured.
"Why, thank you, Dr. Hofstadter," Alex said, taking the packets as she smiled at him. "It's nice of you to remember."
Leonard smiled shyly at the compliment. "So," he said, settling on the couch next to her as she added the packets to her tea. "What's the good news you're here to give me, Alex?"
"Well, as you know," Alex began. "When I finished assisting Dr. Cooper with his work—"
"Yeah," Leonard added, "You mean the work where he had you comb through his old papers and recording of him sleeping at night, but never had you help him with anything a doctoral candidate should be working on?"
"Oh, you noticed that, too?" Alex nodded ruefully. "Anyway, I reapplied for a position at Fermilab and they accepted me, and I've been working there for the past two years on their Dark Energy Survey project.
"I've heard that was very interesting work," Leonard commented. "I've been getting into some aspects of dark matter research myself."
"I know," Alex nodded, shifting so she was facing him more directly. "That's why I'm here."
"Really?" Leonard smiled, wondering where this was going.
"Yes," she agreed. "Dr. Siebert contacted me a few weeks ago and offered me a position at Caltech in its new Dark Matter Physics department. Apparently Dr. Cooper's recent work on dark matter has been generating interest in that field."
"Oh." Leonard sat back. "So you would be going back to work for Sheldon?" he asked, feeling a little disappointed.
"Not exactly," Alex told him. "Dr. Siebert told me he planned to make you the Head of the new department. That was the only reason I agreed to come back to Caltech."
"Me?" Leonard was stunned. "I—I don't know what to say, Alex. Dr. Siebert hasn't said anything about this to me!"
"I know," Alex told him. "Dr. Siebert is going to announce it next Monday morning.
Leonard shook his head, almost in a daze. "I'm—I'm—well, I'm speechless. I don't know what to say!"
Alex smiled at him. "How about saying, 'Welcome aboard, Alex'?"
Leonard gave her a wide, pleased grin. "Welcome aboard, Alex! I mean, Dr. Jensen!"
"Thank you, Dr. Hofstadter," Alex beamed back, and the two shook hands. Alex held his hand for a long time after they finished shaking. Leonard counted to four Mississippis before she let go.
"Well," Alex said, a little flustered as she put down her cup of tea. "I'd better get back to my hotel room. I found an apartment not far from here and my furniture is due to arrive tomorrow afternoon. Thank you so much for giving me this opportunity, Dr. Hofstadter!"
"I didn't have much to do with it," Leonard admitted. "And you can call me Leonard. Dr. Hofstadter is still my father. And my mother. And my sister. And our cat."
"Thank you, Leonard, " Alex said, standing, and they walked over to the door where she shook his hand again. She hesitated a moment before speaking again. "Before I go," she said slowly. "I think I ought to ask: will you and me working together cause any problems between you and your girlfriend?"
"Penny and I broke up a few months ago," Leonard answered.
"Oh, I'm sorry," Alex said. But a small smile briefly crossed her lips. "I really am looking forward to working with you," she said happily, looking into his eyes for a long moment before turning to leave.
"I'm looking forward to it too, Alex," Leonard said, waving as she closed the door behind her. "What a great girl," he murmured to herself. "I hope she won't be too disappointed, now that she's not working for the crazy train this time."
=ooo=
Penny was sitting on her couch, staring at the bottle of wine and empty glass on the coffee table in front of her. She was considering having a drink before the other girls got there for their "witches' night out." Well, not really out, per se. They could go anywhere in the world they wanted, of course, but Penny wasn't really in the mood that night. She hadn't been in the mood for several weeks now. Ever since Leonard had dumped her.
On the one hand, she'd been told more than once that drinking alone wasn't good, it was a sign of alcohol abuse. On the other hand, she reasoned, if she drank alone she didn't have to share with anyone. "What the hell?" she muttered, and gestured at the wine bottle with one finger. The bottle lifted into the air, tipped over and poured wine into the glass until it was nearly full. It floated back to the coffee table and the wine glass lifted into the air, floating into her waiting hand. She took a sip and sighed. "Nice," she murmured, taking another sip. If one sip was good, two was better. And three would be—
There was a knock at her door. "Come in, Bernadette," she said, and the diminutive blonde stepped through the door. Without opening it.
"I can't get over being able to do that," she said, a wide smile on her lips. "How are you doing?" she asked, seeing Penny already with a full wine glass in her hand.
"I just got started," Penny said, gesturing to the sofa. "Come on in and take a load off."
"Emily's not here yet?" Bernadette asked, sitting down and conjuring up a bottle of mineral water for herself. After Emily's breakup with Raj, she had starting visiting Penny more often, finding that without him in the picture she really didn't hate Penny all that much, nor did Penny bear a grudge against her.
"Not yet," Penny said, finishing off her glass of wine. "So," she said to Bernadette, putting her empty glass on the coffee table. "What do you think we should do tonight?"
"I don't know," Bernadette said, a little uncomfortably. "You don't plan on getting drunk and dropping balloons filled with Sneezing Potion on people below again, do you?" Penny had done that the last time they had a night out, after rambling on for an hour or so how glad she was to be free of Leonard.
"Nope," Penny shook her head emphatically. "He's out of my system forever, now. I don't need to talk about him ever again." At that moment Emily appeared, passing through the wall where the three-by-four-foot picture of Penny and Amy still hung.
"Hi Penny, hi Bernadette," Emily said, then turned and looked at the picture she'd just passed through. "Hi, Amy. Hi, Caitlin," she said to the picture.
"Very funny," Penny commented. "I can't help it that the guy that painted that picture made me look like a dude with long blonde hair!"
"Well, it's not bad," Emily grinned. "I think she and the chick in the picture will be very happy together."
"I ought to get rid of it," Penny muttered, pouring herself another glass of wine.
"Why don't you?" Bernadette asked. "Does Amy even come over here anymore?"
"She's been over a couple of times," Penny shrugged. "Mostly only to ask if I'll pick up Sheldon's mail when he and she go off on a weekend together. I think they're going on one this weekend. Otherwise, she doesn't come over to see me anymore."
"It could be worse," Emily reminded her. "What if you and Bernadette had let her and Sheldon run off to Vegas to get married?"
"Don't remind me." Penny shuddered a bit at that thought. "At least now they're thinking things through instead of just running off to elope."
"Eloping would have been romantic," Bernadette said dreamily. "Howie and I almost did that."
"And Amy almost had a fit," Penny pointed out. "You were going to ruin her day."
"Yeah." Bernadette took a contemplative sip of her water. "Well, our wedding did turn out pretty good, even though we came this close Sheldon reading our vows in Klingon."
"That would have been hilarious," Penny chuckled.
"No, it wouldn't," Bernadette disagreed feelingly. "Howie was ready to let him do it, too! I'm just glad he had to go up on the International Space Station right after the wedding or I never would have heard the end of that!"
"So what are we doing tonight?" Emily asked. "Do you want to go somewhere?"
"I dunno…" Penny said indifferently, taking another drink.
"Come on," Emily said, trying to sound excited. "We need to get you out of here and somewhere interesting! What about going to see Mount Kilauea erupt? I hear it's pretty spectacular."
Penny thought for a second. "No, it would just remind me of Sheldon spouting off about Leonard." She pointed to the apartment door. "You know I can hear him complaining from here?"
"All the more reason for you to get out of here!" Emily urged her.
"Yes, why don't you get out and do something, instead of sitting around and drinking all the time," Endora's disembodied voice suddenly came from all around them.
"Oh, great," Penny muttered under her breath. Aloud, she said, "Hello, Endora, why don't you join us?"
Endora appeared in her usual green and purple witch's robes. "Why thank you, dear! Hello, Emily," she said to the other red-headed witch, then looked at Bernadette. "And here's the newest addition to our little family…"
"Hello, Endora," Bernadette said in a meek voice. It was the first time she had actually met Penny's step-grandmother. "I'm pleased to meet you."
"Yes, yes, of course, dear," Endora waved off the introduction. "Now," she said briskly, clapping her hands together. "What shall we do to have some fun tonight?"
Bernadette and Emily looked at one another. They hadn't quite counted on having an older witch along for the ride. "Um, well, Emily just suggested visiting a volcano…" Bernadette began.
"Oh, don't be silly," Endora scoffed. "We need to hit the night spots! There's a wonderful little place in Casablanca I know, the warlock who runs it is an old friend of mine named Rick…"
"Alright, enough!" Penny cut her off. "I am officially not interested in going somewhere tonight!" Endora and the girls stared as Penny worked herself into a snit. "And this is not a pity party! I'm an adult and I've broken up with guys plenty of times before this! I don't want anybody thinking I can't handle this because—" she sniffed audibly. "—because I-I cannn…" her last words trailed off into tears. Bernadette leaned over and hugged her.
"It's alright," Bernadette whispered to her.
"I know," Penny sniffed, taking another drink of wine. "Thank you…"
Endora had had enough. "Alright, granddaughter, now you listen to me," she said, shaking a finger at Penny. "I know more than most witches do about situations like this. You know my own daughter Samantha married a mortal over 50 years ago, and we had our share of problems with him.
"But one thing we did learn was that Darwin and Samantha were very much in love, and they managed to deal with all the problems their mixed marriage caused."
Penny looked up at her. "Weren't most of the problems caused by you?"
"I was merely trying to show Samantha the error of her ways," Endora hedged. After a moment she relented. "But you're right—I did give Dobkin a hard time over the years. But he took it, and do you know why?"
"Because he loved his wife?" Emily ventured.
"Correct," Endora agreed. "And you love Lumpkin, isn't that true?"
"It's Leonard," Penny corrected. "But—yes, I still love do love him. But he broke up with me!"
"What difference does that make?" Endora asked. "Are you a witch or not?"
"What's that supposed to mean?" Penny asked.
"It means you can make things happen to help bring you two back together," Endora pointed out. She turned to Emily. "And you, missy! That was a very cruel thing you did to your mortal boyfriend—(although I do admit it was rather hilarious)—and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
"Yeah," Emily agreed, hanging her head in shame. "I probably shouldn't have turned Raj's dog into a woman and offered to have a three-way with him."
"Ewww," Bernadette said. She'd heard it before but the idea was still pretty creepy. "She didn't happen to look like a 200-pound Sailor Moon, did she?"
Emily gave her an odd look. "No," she said. "She was very beautiful, in fact."
"Regardless," Endora interrupted. "Inclinations toward bestiality aside, you still have feelings for him, do you not?"
Emily sighed. "Yes," she admitted. "I do."
"Then you should get back together with him," Endora declared.
Penny was staring at her step-grandmother. "You know, I had a talk with your daughter Samantha not long ago. She told me you were always trying to break her and her husband up. Now you're trying to get me and Emily back together with our mortal boyfriends. What's up with that?"
"Well," Endora waved a hand airily. "Perhaps I've seen the error of my earlier ways," she shrugged. "It might be that I've realized that true love trumps issues like witches marrying only their own kind. True love is the most important thing a man and woman can share together."
Penny folded her arms across her chest. "Nope," she said slowly. "That doesn't sound like you at all."
Endora gave her an irritated look. "Or perhaps I'm just bored and wanted to give you some reason to get out of here and find some place where we can party."
Penny shrugged. "Okay, that's more like you! Let's get going. I'll deal with getting back together with Leonard later."
Emily smiled. "And Raj and me can wait one more night."
"Then it's settled!" Endora beamed. "It's off to Rick's place for drinks and dancing! Perhaps we can coax a few songs from his piano player, Sam! We might even persuade him to play 'As Time Goes By'—but only if Rick's not around."
"What's wrong with that song?" Bernadette asked, as everyone stood and prepared to pop out.
"Well," Endora said slyly. "I'm afraid I broke his heart over that song." She made a flourish and the four witches disappeared from Penny's apartment.
=ooo=
"How's the meatloaf, Stuart?" Bernadette asked as she and Howard began dinner earlier that evening.
"Wonderful," Stuart said. "And I'm not saying that just because I came home early to make sure I wouldn't miss it," he added.
Bernadette and Howard glanced at one another. Bernadette made a "go-ahead, ask him" gesture with her head toward Stuart. Howard, who had lost the argument last night about who would speak to Stuart this time about moving out, smiled across the table at him. "Speaking about missing things," he began. "How are things going looking for an apartment for yourself?"
Stuart put on a pensive look. "Well, I've gotten a few nibbles," he said, tentatively. "There are some places out in Glendale that look promising."
"Isn't Glendale a little pricey for your budget?" Howard asked.
Stuart shrugged. "Well, not if I cut out a few luxuries—cable, hot water, things like that."
"Oh, Stuart," Bernadette said empathetically. "We want you to be comfortable."
"Well, thank you, Bernadette," Stuart smiled. The expression made his face look—strange—somehow. "But no place is ever going to be as comfortable as you two have made this place for me."
"Why, thank you," Bernadette said, feeling sick inside. Stuart was doing it again—finding a way to twist the situation around whenever they tried to talk to him about moving out! In the past several weeks she'd been tempted to simply zap him into an apartment with her rapidly improving magic. But, doing that might arouse suspicions in Howard, who no longer had any knowledge of her being a witch.
"I really appreciate it," Stuart said, finishing off the food on his plate. He stood, picking up his empty plate and cup. "I'll just rinse these off and put them in the dishwasher," he said. "Great idea getting one, by the way, but I've been happy to wash your dishes since I've been here."
"I know," Bernadette said, trying to keep irritation out of her tone. "But it's easier on all of us…"
"When you're right, you're right," Stuart said, heading into the kitchen. "Oh!" he said through the door. "I brought home some chocolate cake, by the way! Who wants a piece? And a glass of cold milk to wash it down?"
"Maybe later," Howard said, giving Bernadette a "what-now?" look.
Bernadette shrugged helplessly. "I don't know what you're going to do, but I'm heading to Penny's."
=ooo=
Monday, June 29, 2015—
"Sheldon, do you think you will be able to go to lunch today?" Amy asked, as she pulled out of the Los Robles Apartments parking lot and onto North Los Robles Avenue.
"Amy!" Sheldon looked at her unhappily. "We've just returned from an exciting weekend of riding the Coast Starlight from here to Seattle and back, including a full dining car with meals provided by trained chefs for breakfast, lunch and dinner!" He gave her a skeptical look. "After all that, do you really think lunch in the cafeteria has any appeal at all?"
"You're right, Sheldon," Amy agreed in a flat tone. "Not much here in Pasadena can compare to that, but I wish you had told me that your friend Eric was traveling with us." Eric was a disabled guy they'd met a year ago on a train ride to Napa Valley.
"Oh, that?" Sheldon gave a dismissive wave. "That was just a happy accident."
"Accident is right," Amy muttered resentfully. Eric had once again insinuated himself into their time together throughout the three-day trip to Seattle and back, following them around and swapping bits of train trivia with Sheldon. He had almost convinced Sheldon to take the trip again once they'd returned to LA, but Amy pointed out Caltech was expecting him back at work on Monday.
Sheldon had been quiet for some time now, which wasn't like him, Amy knew. He usually liked to play a game on the way into work. "What are you thinking about now?" she asked him.
Sheldon exhaled slowly. "I saw Penny this morning," he said, in a flat voice. "Before you came up. She came over to bring back my apartment key, and to borrow some butter for her toast." Sheldon looked at her. "She's already getting all the free wifi she can handle, I don't know why she needs my butter, too. Fortunately I had a small container for just such an emergency."
"How was she?" Amy asked, concerned.
Sheldon thought a moment, the shrugged. "Disheveled, sleepy, a bit cranky, too—if you ask me, she's probably near her menses. Assuming, that is, that you and she are still synchronized."
Amy winced. "I don't know if that's true anymore," she hedged. "It's been some time." She glanced warily at him, wondering if she should ask the next question. "Did—did you talk to Leonard?"
"Why would I talk to Leonard?" Sheldon retorted in an annoyed tone. "He and I are no longer friends."
"I know, but you are still colleagues at the university—"
"No," Sheldon said emphatically. "Leonard has seen to that. He's now the golden child of the entire physics department, with money, tenure and a salary bigger than Raj, Howard, and mine combined. There's nothing he needs from us, and nothing we need from him."
"Perhaps," Amy persisted. "But you know—"
"I don't want to talk about it," Sheldon declared suddenly. "I think we need to play the Quiet Game now! First one to say anything loses!"
Amy sighed to herself. "Alright, Sheldon, I'll play your game."
Sheldon looked at her. "You spoke first. I win!"
=ooo=
Noon, the cafeteria—
Howard and Raj had just paid for their food in the cafeteria line when Howard recognized a woman walking into the dining area at the same time. "Hey, Alex!" he exclaimed. "It's good to see you again!"
Alex stopped and turned to him, smiling. "Oh, hi. It's Howard Wolowitz, right? It's good to see you!"
"Do you remember Raj?" Howard asked, nodding toward his friend.
"Dr. Koothrappali, yes," Alex said. She glanced at Howard. "Is he still unable to talk to women?" she asked.
"Oh, I can talk to women now," Raj put in quickly. "My only problem these days is trying not to say the wrong thing to my girlfriend so she will continue to have sex with me."
"I see," Alex said uncomfortably.
"May we join you for lunch?" Howard asked, looking around for an open table.
"Sure," Alex said. "Right over here." She led them over to a table. Howard stopped short when he saw who was sitting there. It was Leonard.
"Look who I found," Alex said to him.
"Good," Leonard stood as Alex approached the table and set her tray down. Howard and Raj weren't moving, clearly torn over whether to sit with them now or not. "Do you want to join us, guys?" Leonard asked them.
"What's she doing with you?" Howard demanded.
"We're going to be working together," Leonard said, stiffly. "Dr. Siebert offered her a job here in a new department focusing on dark matter research."
"Interesting," Raj muttered. "You broke up with Penny, and now Alex comes back into your life. Sounds very convenient."
"It's not like that," Alex hastened to say. "Though I admit I've always wanted to work with Dr. Hofstadter."
"Are you sure you don't mean under him?" Howard insinuated.
"Mr. Wolowitz, that's a very inappropriate remark!" Alex said, her face reddening.
"Howard, for God's sake!" Leonard snapped.
"What's going on here?" a new voice asked. Sheldon and Amy, cafeteria trays in hand, had walked up on the group. "Alex, what are you doing here?"
"Hello, Dr. Cooper," Alex said to him, still uncomfortable. "I work here at the university now."
But Sheldon had already turned to Howard. "Did you receive a text from Dr. Siebert asking you to come to the cafeteria?" He held up his cell phone, showing them the text.
Howard reached in his pocket. "I don't think so—oh, yes, I did." Howard read the message. "It just says to come to the cafeteria at noon for an important announcement. Well, mission accomplished," he said, giving a quick salute.
"I got one, too," Raj said, holding up his own phone. "I wonder what's up?"
At that moment Drs. Gabelhauser and Siebert walked into the cafeteria. Spotting Leonard and Alex, they headed over to the table. "Good," Dr. Siebert said to Sheldon, "I see you got my text."
"What's this all about, President Siebert?" Sheldon asked him. "You usually notify faculty members well in advance of any announcements."
"Yes," Siebert said. "And you usually drive me crazy trying to find out what the announcement's about. Well, this time I waited until the last minute to let you know."
"Why?" Sheldon asked. But at that moment Dr. Gabelhauser stepped forward, raising his arms to draw attention to himself.
"Everyone! Listen up!" the Physic Department head called out. "Everyone will receive an e-mail this afternoon, but before that we wanted to make the announcement with our new team present."
"What new team?" Howard asked. He was ignored.
"President Siebert and I," Gabelhauser continued, "would like to announce the formation of a new research group here at the university, one designed with the goal of detecting and discovering the presence and properties of dark matter and energy in our universe. President Siebert, I'll let you take it from here."
"Thank you, Eric," Siebert said. "The new building we've completed on the south campus will be the location for this new research group. It will be headed up by none other than our illustrious Dr. Leonard Hofstadter—" he clapped Leonard on the back "—assisted by the newest member of our staff, Dr. Alex Jensen, who comes to us after two years at Fermilab!"
Applause broke out in the cafeteria as Leonard and Alex both smiled and nodded their thanks. Sheldon looked singularly unimpressed. "I could've waited for the e-mail," he muttered, turning away to find another table to sit at. "Come on, Amy."
"Wait, Dr. Cooper," Siebert said. "There's more!" He raised his voice again. "As one of the preeminent scientists working on dark matter theory, Dr. Sheldon Cooper will join the new team in an advisory capacity. This means, unfortunately, that he will no longer be available to teach classes in the future." Louder, more enthusiastic applause broke out this time.
"Wait a minute," Sheldon objected, as the applause died down. "What if I don't want to join this new team?"
"You don't have a choice, Dr. Cooper," Siebert said. "You wanted to do dark matter research. This is the team that's going to study it. Therefore, you're on the team."
"But if that's true, I should be in charge of the team!" Sheldon insisted.
"Dr. Hofstadter is in charge of the team," Gabelhauser said. "His work these past few months has shown that he's the foremost authority on dark matter these days. Sorry, Dr. Cooper."
"Unacceptable!" Sheldon declared. "I refuse to work as a subordinate to someone to whom I'm clearly a superior intellect!"
"In that case, Dr. Cooper," Siebert said, in a quiet but firm tone. "We will have to remove you from dark matter research and put you back on string theory."
"But I don't want to work on string theory anymore!" Sheldon whined, wringing his hands as he started to resemble a six-foot-one baby about to throw a tantrum.
"Sheldon," Leonard spoke up. "Come on, give it a chance. I think we can do some really ground-breaking work here."
"No!" Sheldon cried. "You can't make me!" He dropped his food tray on the table and stalked out of the cafeteria, leaving Amy standing there holding her tray and looking after him in dismay.
She looked back at Siebert and Gablehauser. "I'll talk to him," she said. "He's not very good with unexpected changes." She started to follow Sheldon but stopped, turned and put her tray on the table next to Sheldon's, then hurried out of the cafeteria after him.
"Boy, that didn't go over well," Howard whispered to Raj. "I'm glad I'm not in Sheldon's shoes."
"Oh, I forgot to mention," Siebert announced to the room at large. "Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali and Howard Wolowitz will also join the Dark Matter research group as part of its support group." Raj and Howard both froze, eyes wide with shock and horror. "Look for the formal announcement in your inboxes this afternoon!" Siebert and Gablehauser both waved and exited the cafeteria, leaving Howard and Raj staring at Leonard and Alex.
"Well, look at it this way, guys," Leonard said. "You'll get your choice of office space in the new building."
Howard stared at him balefully. "Did you know about this?"
"Only that Siebert was going to make the announcement," Leonard said. "I had no idea he'd picked other faculty members to join the team."
Alex looked confused. "What's the problem? I thought you all were friends?"
"We were," Howard grumbled, giving Leonard a dirty look. "Until Dr. Hofstadter here stabbed us all in the back. Come on, Raj." He and Raj dropped their trays on the table and stalked out of the cafeteria.
"I don't understand," Alex said to Leonard.
Leonard sighed. "I'm not sure I do, either, Alex. It's a long story."
Alex smiled. "Well, Leonard, I have some free time for the next hour or so…"
=ooo=
Penny walked up the stairs from the fourth to the fifth floor. She'd tried the elevator first but the button for the fifth floor wouldn't work no matter how many times she pushed it. She'd briefly considered zapping the elevator into working anyway but decided against it.
If she'd wanted to, she could just as easily have popped directly into Leonard's new apartment. But that didn't seem to be a good idea, either—she needed to approach him like a normal person would, not all arrogant and presumptive like a witch (for example: Endora) would be.
She looked around the fifth floor foyer as she reached the top of the stairs. It looked smaller than the other floors. And the door to apartment 5B was missing. Well, she'd heard construction noises coming from the floor above her a few weeks ago, but she'd been mad at Leonard then and had resolved to ignore them. In fact she'd cast a spell so she wouldn't hear any sound at all. Now, for some reason, apartment 5B was closed off. Penny shrugged; maybe she'd find out what was up when she talked with Leonard.
She knocked on the door to 5A. "Just a second," Leonard's voice called out, and a few moments later he opened the door. He froze when he saw her. "Oh," Leonard finally said, regaining his voice. "Hello."
"Hi," she said. "Can we talk?"
"Um," Leonard looked behind him. "I was…just getting…dinner ready…"
"Good," she smiled, stepping into the apartment. "Wow," she muttered, seeing it for the first time. "This is really nice!"
The apartment was the same basic style as 4A, but the furnishings were quite different. There was still a large leather sofa in the middle of the living room, it faced directly toward the wall in front of it, which sported a big-screen TV and stereo system. Leonard's desk and computer was in the alcove behind the sofa, along with several bookshelves filled with books. There were other chairs and tables arranged next to the sofa to make a conversation area, and the kitchen area had an array of brand-new equipment: a stainless steel refrigerator, a dual range, a microwave and coffee maker, and an automatic dishwasher. The new stuff made Penny wonder how Leonard had furnished his bedroom.
But she was getting ahead of herself. "I just thought I might come up and say hi," she said, trying to sound casual. "See how things were going with you. You know, just being a good neighbor…"
"That's nice," Leonard smiled. The smile faltered a moment later. "But I'm kind of in the middle of—"
"Of dinner, yeah, you told me," Penny butted in, thinking it would be good if she could talk to him over a meal. "I can smell it. I'm impressed, Leonard!" she said to him. "Making your own meal instead of ordering takeout!"
"Well, uh, yeah," Leonard shrugged. "That's—not—exactly what's going on here…"
The door to the bathroom opened and Alex stepped out, straightening her hair as she walked into the living room. "It smells like dinner is almost ready, Leonard," she said. "I hope you're hungry—oh, hello," she said as she saw Penny. "It's Penny, right?"
"Right," Penny said, her eyes narrowing as she recognized Alex. "What are you doing here?"
Alex almost looked surprised at the question. "I offered to make Dr. Hofstadter dinner so we could discuss the new research we'll be doing," she said pleasantly, not reacting to the hostile undertone of Penny's question.
"New research?" Penny repeated. She looked at Leonard. "What's that about?"
"Alex and I are going to be researching dark matter together," Leonard explained.
"I thought Alex was Sheldon's assistant," Penny said.
"That was two years ago," Alex replied. "I've been working at Fermilab for the past two years. The president of the university offered me a job and I accepted."
"Well," Penny said coldly. "I'll just leave and let you two research pals get on with your—" she made air quotes "—research." She turned toward the door.
"Penny, wait!" Leonard said suddenly.
"Wait?" Penny said, surprised.
"Wait for what?" Alex said, equally surprised.
"Look," Leonard said, to both of them. "We're all adults here. Penny and I broke up a few weeks ago—"
"Over a month ago," Penny muttered. "We haven't spoken since, until I decided to break the ice and come up and see you!"
"Alright, be that as it may," Leonard continued. "There's no reason why we can't all have a nice meal and conversation together—"
"I can think of several reasons, actually," Alex murmured.
"So can I," Penny snapped.
Leonard paused, taking a deep breath. "Can't we at least try?" he asked, pleadingly.
Penny locked eyes with Alex. This was like her and Emily all over again. But then, she'd managed to become friends with Emily, somehow. "We can try," she said, grudgingly. "No promises, though."
"Same here," Alex said. "I'll get another plate."
"Good," Leonard said, looking relieved. He has no idea what he's asking of me, Penny and Alex both thought to themselves.
A few minutes later the three of them were settled in the living room with their meals. Leonard had taken a spot in the middle of the sofa, hoping Penny and Alex would sit on either side of him. But both women had found separate chairs to sit in; Penny was in a leather recliner that was in the same spot Leonard's big cushy chair had been in 4A. Alex had taken a chair across the coffee table from her. "Well, this is nice," Leonard said, cluelessly.
"Oh, boy, it sure is!" Penny responded snarkily.
"So, Dr. Hofstadter and I were going to discuss some of the methods we might use to detect dark matter signature in our galaxy," Alex said, not wanting Penny to establish what they would be talking about.
Penny smiled. "I suppose you've considered using GPS and measuring discrepancies in atomic clocks as an indicator of dark matter presence," she said. She had been doing her own reading of Leonard's papers online in the past six weeks; her intelligence since becoming a witch had been on the increase.
"Why, yes," Alex admitted, surprised Penny was aware of the current technique. "However, we are also working on a new method, using nanotechnology."
"Yeah, we can't actually say much about that," Leonard warned. "It's still pretty hush-hush." He'd been working on a method of forming autonomous nanobots, which could be used for a variety of applications, but he'd only told Alex about them so far, as he couldn't trust anyone else just yet. Especially Sheldon, who was still resisting joining the team despite Amy's efforts to convince him otherwise.
"Well, mum's the word," Penny said, miming locking her lips.
"You seem to know something about dark matter research," Alex said to her. "I didn't know you were knowledgeable about such things."
"There's a lot you don't know about me," Penny shot back at her.
"There's a lot she doesn't need to know about you," Leonard said, warningly, thinking now that having this meal together wasn't such a good idea.
"It's alright, Leonard," Alex said confidently. "I'm not afraid of whatever secrets Penny may be hiding."
Oh, if you only knew, Penny thought. Aloud, she said, "I don't think we need to get into my secrets right now, Leonard—you have enough of them as it is." She stood, leaving her plate on the coffee table. "Thanks for dinner, but I'll be going now. I don't want to disturb your quality time together." She walked to the door, then turned to look at the two physicists. Leonard was staring at her, a hangdog look on his face, but Alex still had her back to Penny. She gave Leonard a dirty look as she raised her hands, snapped her fingers, and vanished.
After a few seconds Alex glanced at Leonard. "Is she gone yet?"
"Um, yeah," Leonard said, uncomfortably.
"I didn't hear the door," Alex pointed out.
"Penny can be very quiet when she leaves," Leonard said.
"Apparently just the opposite of when she's here,' Alex snarked. "Leonard, I'm starting to wonder if she's really over you. Or if you're over her." She stood and walked to the door. "I'll see you tomorrow at the new building," she said, and walked out, leaving Leonard alone.
Leonard stared at the door for a long time after Alex had left. "I'm starting to wonder if I'm over her, too," he murmured to himself.
=ooo=
That evening in apartment 4A—
"No, Amy! I'm not going to work for Leonard and that's final!" Sheldon said loudly, folding his arms stubbornly.
Amy had been trying to convince her fiancé to change his mind about working for Leonard in his new position as Head of the Dark Matter Research team at Caltech. As expected, it was rough going. But hardship and insurmountable odds had never beaten Amy Farrah Fowler before. After all, she'd caught Sheldon Cooper, hadn't she?
"Alright, Sheldon," she finally agreed. "You're right—it would be a step backward for you to start working for Leonard now."
"Dang straight," Sheldon nodded. "Without me he'll undoubtedly fail."
"Agreed," Amy nodded. "And with his failure dark matter research at Caltech will be set back a decade or more."
"Right," Sheldon agreed. Then he thought about that for a moment. "Wait a minute—"
"The university will lose a lot of grant money," Amy continued inexorably. "But you will have proved your point, that Leonard is no match for you intellectually—"
"Now hold on!" Sheldon stopped her right there. "Do you really think Leonard's failing will set back dark matter research a whole decade? That's unacceptable!"
"Well, I don't know what you can do about it, Sheldon," Amy said, shrugging her shoulders helplessly. "You've already said you won't work for him. If you did, you would be able to prop him up, keep the research going that will ensure you will someday get the Nobel Prize you've been working so long for."
"I hadn't thought of that," Sheldon realized. "You're right, Amy! I do need to continue to fight for dark matter research. If I have to do so by working with an inferior mind like Leonard, it's just one of the many crosses I've had to bear over the years." He shook his head. "I just find it so hard to keep trying, year after year, to get what I want, only to be thwarted at every turn. You have no idea what it's like, Amy."
Amy rolled her eyes heavenward. "Don't be too sure about that, Sheldon."
A sudden loud BANG from across the hall startled both of them. "What was that?" Sheldon gasped.
"If I'm not mistaken, it was the sound of Penny's door slamming in frustration," Amy guessed. "Perhaps I should go see what's got her riled up."
"I'll leave you to it, then," Sheldon said. "I think I'll begin writing my Nobel Prize acceptance speech for my contributions to dark matter research."
Leaving the apartment, Amy went across the hall to 4B and knocked on the door. A moment later Penny answered it. "Hi Amy," she said. "Off on another vacation already? I thought you and Sheldon just got back from a trip."
"It's not that," Amy offered. "I heard your door slam and came over to see if there was something I could help you with."
"Oh. That," Penny shrugged. "It was nothing." She walked away from the door and Amy followed her inside, shutting the door behind them.
"It didn't sound like nothing," Amy said. "I thought the door was going to come off its hinges." She watched as Penny went to the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of red wine.
"You want a glass of wine?" Penny asked. She was holding wine glasses Amy hadn't seen her get from a cabinet or off a counter top.
"Perhaps a little," Amy nodded. "I have to drive home before long."
Penny filled a third of one glass, then poured the other one full to the rim. She picked up the full one with a smooth motion that didn't spill a drop, clinking it with Amy's glass as she picked up hers. "Here's looking up your old address," Penny said, and drank as Amy sipped at hers.
"So what's up?" Amy asked as the finished.
Penny sighed gustily. "I went up to talk to with Leonard a while ago," she said in a dispirited tone. "Who do you think is up there with him?"
"Judging from your tone," Amy said, diffidently. "I suppose it's a woman."
"I'll save you the trouble of guessing," Penny grumbled. "It was Alex Jensen."
Amy looked thoughtful for a moment. "Alex? Wasn't that the girl who was Sheldon's assistant a few years ago?"
Penny nodded. "Now she's back and working with Leonard this time."
"Huh," Amy said, surprised. "Well, like I said the last time, that skank's your problem, not mine."
"Yeah, well, thanks for nothing," Penny muttered.
Amy had a sudden thought. "Are you trying to get Leonard back? I would have thought that would have been the last thing you'd want to do after the way he dumped you."
"It's complicated," Penny mumbled.
"It doesn't seem complicated," Amy disagreed.
"Well, it is," Penny insisted.
"Do you still love him?" Amy asked.
There was that question again! "I said it's complicated!" Penny said again, trying to get Amy to drop it.
"You do love him!" Amy realized. "I knew it!" she crowed to herself. "Sheldon and I had a bet, and I won!"
Penny looked at Amy in shock. "You had a bet on whether I loved Leonard or not? What the hell kind of stuff do you and Sheldon talk about?"
Amy shrugged. "Just stuff. Not important. The point is," she went on, "you can't give up now, Alex or no Alex. You have to fight to keep your man, just like I fought to keep Sheldon."
"You didn't have someone like Alex going after Sheldon," Penny pointed out.
"That's not the point," Amy insisted. "You've got a lot of things going for you, too!"
"More than you know," Penny muttered to herself.
"So what are you going to do?" Amy asked.
Penny looked at her, then nodded. "I'm going for it," she said, finally agreeing. "I'm going to get Leonard back!"
Amy reached over and hugged her. "I'm so happy for you! It's just too bad we never…" Amy's voice trailed off for a moment. "Well, never mind that now. I'm engaged, after all."
=ooo=
The first day at the new Dark Matter research lab—
Leonard drove himself into Caltech that morning, wondering why Alex had not come by to pick him up, as usual. Well, it wasn't hard to figure out, really—she was still upset after the altercation with Penny in his apartment last night. He would have to reassure her that nothing was going on between him and Penny anymore.
Of course, if that was the case, that Alex needed reassuring he and Penny weren't together, one could infer that was important to Alex for some reason. Leonard liked Alex; he wanted her to be his lead researcher on the new Dark Matter team. But was there any other reason he might want to work so closely with Alex?
Leonard recalled the evening Alex came over while he and Sheldon were playing a game of Giant Jenga. Alex had invited him to a lecture by Kip Thorne, which Leonard had to decline since he plans with Penny. Alex suggested she could discuss the lecture with him afterwards over coffee, or perhaps dinner, startling him into knocking over the Giant Jenga and losing the game.
He should have remembered that before now, Leonard realized. But why hadn't he? Had he been concentrating so much on his research and writing over the past months that he'd forgotten he was trying to make a better life for himself and a significant other? But now he had no significant other—he'd broken it off with Penny thinking they weren't compatible enough to stay together. It had seemed the right thing to do at the time, but he was having second thoughts now. On the other hand, they had gotten together and broken up so many times over the years there was no reason to suppose they wouldn't keep on doing that forever!
Leonard pulled into his stall in the parking lot and turned off the car. But he didn't get out, he just sat there continuing to ponder what he ought to do. Things were becoming more and more complicated every day—they were scheduled to begin work on dark matter research today, but it seemed like everyone in the group was mad at him: Sheldon, Raj, Howard, even Alex! Leonard left his car and walked into the new building, hoping he could turn things around and get everyone on his side again.
In the lobby of the building Leonard found Howard and Raj waiting for him, and to his surprise Sheldon was there as well. "Hey, guys," Leonard said, happy to see them all there. "I'm glad you could all be here this morning."
"It's not like we had a choice," Howard grumbled. "Our old jobs were shut down. It was either come here or go without work."
"Oh," Leonard gulped, surprised. He hadn't considered his friends would be forced to take these jobs. "Well … if you'll all head to the conference room, we can begin the orientation session."
Raj and Howard looked at one another, shrugged, and walked away, leaving Leonard with Sheldon. "I see you decided to give this a try, Sheldon," Leonard said to him. "I'm glad you're here."
"Yes, well, Amy pointed out that if you failed to make this project a success it would set back dark matter research a decade, so I decided to come here to make sure that didn't happen," Sheldon pointed out. He started to walk away as well.
"Hold on! Wait a minute!" Leonard exclaimed. Sheldon turned around. "The project hasn't even gotten started yet, Sheldon! Why would Amy think it's going to fail?! Why would you?!"
"Oh, Leonard," Sheldon said, in a pitying tone. "We both know how I've been carrying you for all these years."
Leonard stared at Sheldon with a growing resentment. "If that's what you really think, Sheldon, maybe you should go back to your own independent work on the subject, and we'll find someone who wants to work with us!"
Sheldon's expression was flinty. "Perhaps I will," he said huffily. "But since my offices are now here, you'll just have to put up with me being here while you go on with whatever willy-nilly work you plan on doing! Now, good day, sir!" Sheldon turned and stalked away down the corridor to his new office.
Leonard was still staring angrily after him when Alex came into the lobby, hurrying over to where he stood. "Leonard?" she said, hesitantly.
"What?" Leonard snapped, turning. "Oh. Hi, Alex," he said. "Sorry for snapping at you. I just had an unpleasant conversation with Sheldon."
"Yes, I heard it from outside," Alex said. "Um, speaking of unpleasant conversations, I wanted to apologize for the way I spoke to you the other evening in your apartment."
"You don't have to apologize, Alex," Leonard told her. "It was a mistake for me to try and force you and Penny to be friends. I—I don't know what I was thinking."
"It's alright," Alex said, with a shy smile. "And it's okay if she's still your friend, even if you've broken up."
"Thanks, Alex," Leonard said, smiling at her. Maybe things could work out with Alex after all—
"Who's broken up?" Penny suddenly asked from directly behind them.
Leonard and Alex spun around, startled. "Penny!" Leonard exclaimed. "What are you doing here?!"
Penny smiled. "I just thought I'd come check out your new building," she said. She glanced at Alex. "You don't mind, do you?"
"Um, no," Alex shook her head. "Of—of course not…" Giving Penny and Leonard an odd glance, she said, "I'm, uh, going to the conference room to bring Raj and Howard up to speed on the project." She walked away quickly into the conference room.
"You don't mind that I'm here, do you?" Penny asked innocently.
"No. I mean, it's—it's fine," Leonard stammered. "After last night, though, I didn't expect you'd want to hang around as much with me anymore."
Penny decided to go straight on into the problem. "Actually, I decided that you screwed up pretty badly by dumping me, Leonard, and I think we ought to get back together."
"Er—" This was something of a first for Leonard—no woman had ever asked to get back together with him before! So he had to ask. "Penny, are you drunk?"
"Oh, thank you very much!" Penny snapped at him. "Is that what you think, that I'd have to be drunk to want to get back with you?!"
"Well, the first time you proposed to me you were drunk," Leonard reminded her.
"Never mind that!" Penny deflected. "The point is, I wasn't drunk the last time I proposed to you, was I?"
"That's true," Leonard had to admit.
"And we stayed engaged for an entire year without any problems, didn't we?" Penny demanded.
"That's true, too," Leonard also had to admit. "If you don't count all of the tricks your grandfather's family pulled on me over the past year, testing whether I would stay with you."
"And you did," Penny said smugly. "So, what do you say?"
Things were happening way too quickly. "I'll… think about it," Leonard finally got out.
Penny stared at him incredulously. "It's Alex, isn't it?" she demanded. "She got her hooks into you, didn't she?"
"No, no," Leonard shook his head. "I—just—really don't know what to do at the moment, Penny. Things are moving too fast at the moment and I—"
"Ah, Dr. Hofstadter! There you are!" Drs. Gabelhauser and Siebert had come into the lobby. "You haven't been answering your phone!"
"Sorry." Leonard pulled out his phone as the Physics Department head and university president hurried over to him and Penny. "Oh," he said. "I'm not getting any bars on my phone."
"Hm," Gabelhauser said, looking around the lobby. "It's possible the materials in this new building is blocking off cell reception. We'll figure something out to fix that. Anyway, Dr. Hofstadter, we have some very important and exciting news for you!"
"What's that?" Leonard asked, wondering what kind of hoops they wanted him to jump through now.
"We've been in discussions with CERN," Siebert said, jumping into the conversation. "They were very impressed with your paper discussing the possibility of direct creation of dark matter using a specially-modified supercollider, and they want you to lead the research effort at CERN itself."
"Crap," Penny muttered under her breath. "That complicates things."
"Me?!" Leonard was flabbergasted by this news. "But I've just started work on the project here!"
"We know," Gabelhauser said. "But we're also aware of the friction between you and Dr. Cooper over the project."
"How did you hear about that?" Leonard wanted to know.
"Dr. Cooper has been sending us both letters almost continuously since the announcement," Siebert said, in an irritated tone. "Frankly, if the board of directors didn't consider him a valuable resource to the university I'd send him off to Switzerland!"
"But I'm the one who's been gaining interest for the university lately," Leonard pointed out.
"Right," Siebert agreed. "But you're the one CERN wants, and what's good for CERN is good for us as well. You leave for Geneva tomorrow morning."
"But what about my tenure here—"
"You'll still have it when you get back," Gabelhauser cut him off. "We don't expect you to be away more than five or six years." The two men turned and left the lobby, eagerly discussing the grant opportunities having Leonard at CERN would provide.
Leonard turned helplessly to Penny. "What do I do now?"
"Well, I guess you pack your bags for ski weather," Penny quipped.
"You know what I mean," he huffed. Then he realized— "Hey, friend, could you, um, you know, work a little magic for me—?"
"Hmm," Penny said, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. "So, first you tell me you don't want me doing any magic for you, then you break up with me, and now you want me to fix your problems you've got with magic. Hmm…"
"Come on, I don't want to live in Switzerland!" Leonard whined. "It's really cold there!"
"You lived at the North Pole for three months," Penny reminded him.
"It was cold there, too! Especially the night the heater went out!" Leonard complained.
"That must have been an interesting night, with the four of you all together, naked." Penny laughed.
"Look," Leonard said, nearly pleading now. "Are you going to help me out, or not?"
"I'll think about it," Penny said, using the same words Leonard had told her earlier. She glanced at her watch. "Oh, look at the time! I'd better get to work, I've got a lot of doctors to visit today."
"Penny—"
"I'll think about it," she said again, then snapped her fingers and vanished.
"Wonderful," Leonard said. "I'm about to be exiled and she develops a conscience over magic use all of a sudden." Shaking his head, he went into his new office and shut the door, planning to update his profile on LinkedIn.
=ooo=
Two days later, in Geneva, Switzerland—
Leonard's teeth were chattering by the time jumped from the shuttle dropping him off at the Hotel Suisse, where he'd booked accommodations until he could find something more permanent. A porter carried his suitcases inside and over to the counter, where a clerk was smiling at him.
"Leonard Hofstadter," he said. "I have a reservation for a single for five days."
"Certainly, sir," the clerk said, with an accent that sounded vaguely German. "How do you spell that, please?"
Leonard spelled his last name as the clerk typed it into his terminal. "Ah, yes," he nodded. "Room 601. All the details have been taken care of, sir. The porter will bring up your bags. Enjoy your stay here at Hotel Suisse."
"Thanks," Leonard said, shivering. He took the elevator up to the sixth floor and let himself into his room. He walked over to the bed and sat down, looking around. The room was nice, relatively spacious, with a queen sized bed, a large screen television and remote atop a dresser and a writing desk. Checking his phone, he saw that the room had free Wifi, and the bathroom was stocked with fresh towels and toiletries. Leonard sighed. There was a knock at the door—the bellboy had arrived with his luggage. Leonard had him set his bags on the dresser and gave him a five-Euro note. The bellboy thanked him and left. Leonard dropped back on the bed, sighing again.
None of the niceties of the room changed the fact that he was 6000 miles from home, with almost no chance of returning there for several years. What was he going to do now?
"How about a nap, dear boy?" Leonard leaped off the bed, startled by the voice coming from the other side of the bed. He spun around to find Endora stretched across the bed in her green and purple witch's gown. She patted the empty bed next to her. "I've just had a long flight, too," She said, stifling a yawn. "I could use forty winks."
"Endora?" Leonard could hardly believe what she was suggesting. "You—you don't mean for us to—"
"Oh, don't be ridiculous," the red-headed witch snapped, sitting up. "I just wanted to see how you're dealing with your new situation."
"Not very well," Leonard said honestly. "This is not how I thought things were going to go! I had a tenured position at my university, five million dollars in the bank, and I was about to begin work on a project that could have brought mankind to the stars.
"Now I'm here in freaking Switzerland, slowly freezing to death, and everyone I know is back home enjoying all the fruits of my labor!" Leonard was pacing the floor now, nearly yelling in frustration over everything he felt he'd lost.
"You have only yourself to blame for all this, you know," Endora told him.
"Excuse me?" Leonard stopped pacing and stared at her in disbelief. "How am I to blame?!"
"You're the one who wished yourself into becoming a genius," Endora pointed out. "Penny told me that's how you suddenly became so smart. Instead of cultivating that genius and publishing your findings carefully over time, you decided to show up your friend Sheldon and began publishing article after article making giant strides in science and mathematics. I had a friend once," Endora went on. "He did the same thing you did, about a century ago. He published quite a bit in the space of a single year. But afterwards, he was never able to repeat the success he'd had in that one year."
Leonard stared at her. "You're talking about Albert Einstein?" he asked.
"Or Al, as I liked to call him," Endora smiled. "Quite an interesting fellow, Al was. Relatively speaking, that is." Endora regarded Leonard coolly. "So now you're here instead of there. Instead of being engaged to the woman you love she's out going to clubs every night with a new man. Your friends hardly know you're gone, they're so busy working on the research you started for them. And your best friend Sheldon will soon get married, and you won't even get an invitation to the wedding."
"Maybe I deserve this," Leonard said dejectedly. He dropped back heavily onto the bed. "I didn't know what I was doing."
"Of course you didn't!" Endora agreed. "You listened to your brain and not your heart! My poor step-granddaughter isn't out partying every night—she's sitting home alone crying because she thinks you don't love her anymore!"
Leonard looked up at her. "You're right. You're right! Whatever that wish did that made me smart, it also made me forget about love. I see that now, but it's too late for me to take everything back. I think I'm stuck with what I've got."
"Oh, pish-tosh," Endora dismissed the idea with a wave of her hand. "It's never too late to turn things around!"
"But what can I do?" Leonard asked.
"You? Nothing, dear boy, your wishcraft is almost completely gone by now," she told him. "That last big wish of yours is what did it.
"Now, I think I can make things right for you," Endora went on. "If you're willing to give up all of that money and fame you have now. And if you're willing to put things back the way they were before Penny became a witch. It really is much too dangerous to allow mortals to become witches and warlocks—you just don't know how to handle it," Endora declared.
Leonard was trying to understand. "Are—are you saying that we would go back to the way things were before Penny became a witch?"
"Yes, exactly," Endora nodded.
"Wow," Leonard muttered. "I don't know if I should make that big a decision for her. I mean, she's the one who decided to become a witch, I didn't decide that for her."
"You decided her happiness when you broke off the engagement with her," Endora said. "How is that any different?"
Leonard slumped. "I guess it's not," he said, defeated. "Okay, I give up. If we can go back to the way things were before, I want to do it. Can you do that?"
"I'll need some help," Endora admitted. "But I think I know someone who can help me." She looked upward. "Maurice!"
Penny's dapper grandfather appeared as thunder and lightning filled the Geneva skies, making the room lights flicker on and off. "You called, my dear?" he asked, smiling at his wife.
"Lombardi here would like us to put things back the way they were before you talked Penny into becoming a witch," Endora said. "I think that we should, but I'll need your help with the spell. As you know, it requires a lot of magic."
"Indeed," Maurice said. He turned to Leonard. "Are you sure about this, my boy? Once done, it cannot be undone—Penny will be a mortal forever. And you will not even remember that she was ever a witch. Are you prepared to make that decision for her?" His tone was grave.
Leonard swallowed. "I hope this is the right thing to do, sir. Both for her sake as well as mine."
"Very well," Maurice turned to Endora. "Are you ready to begin?"
Endora nodded and began to speak as her arms moved in mystic patterns:
Powers of space and time, hearken to our plea,
Turn back the hands of time, remake what is to be!
Maurice then raised his hand and continued the spell:
Reshape what was, return to what we see,
Make the best of our fate to be!
Leonard felt himself caught up in a whirlwind of light and sound, as if he were surrounded by images going past him backwards, like a movie run in reverse at high speed. His vision became foggy, blurred, and he felt himself both falling and spinning until he landed in his familiar plush chair in apartment 4A.
He found himself holding a plate of Thai food, with Sheldon sitting in his spot on the couch with his own plate of food. Penny was sitting in the chair next to him, eating as well. On the sofa next to Sheldon were Howard and Bernadette, with Raj sitting on the floor next to the coffee table. Amy was there as well; she'd pulled up a chair to sit between Leonard and Sheldon.
He felt like he'd just awakened from a dream. A very strange dream where Penny could do fantastic things with a wave of her hand, somehow. But he was in the middle of eating dinner—how could he have been asleep?
"You okay, sweetie?" Penny asked him, looking up from her plate of food. "You look pretty distracted over there."
"Oh, that's how Leonard looks all the time," Sheldon spoke up. "Nothing unusual about that."
"Sheldon," Penny admonished him. "Be nice and stop making fun of Leonard."
"Thank you," Leonard said to her.
"And Leonard," Penny admonished him. "Stop looking like a clueless weenie all the time."
After a moment Bernadette spoke to Sheldon. "Did the police in Kingman, Arizona ever locate the things that were stolen from you?"
"No," Sheldon shook his head. "But I turned off my phone and reported the cards stolen, so whoever has them won't be able to use them anymore."
"Well, that's good, at least," Bernadette commented.
"Of course, now we'll never know if Sheldon would have spent more or less on his Train Trek than the person who stole his things," Howard joked.
"It is a shame I won't be able to complete my quest," Sheldon said, a hint of sadness in his voice. "I had planned to travel to every state in the United States, excepting of course Hawaii, and perhaps Alaska as well."
"You can still do that, Sheldon," Leonard pointed out. "I'm sure the university would grant you more leave—"
Amy picked up a pillow and swung it back threateningly. Leonard shut up.
After dinner was finished Penny set her plate down and stood. "I need to get back to my apartment, I still have some studying on my pharmaceutical rep training manuals to do."
"I'll walk you over," Leonard offered. The two of them walked out into the fourth floor foyer, past the non-functioning elevator, and up to apartment 4B. "It was strange," Leonard was saying. "A while ago I had the weirdest feeling about you."
"What do you mean?" Penny asked.
"Well, I was thinking you were able to do things that regular people couldn't do, like make things move by just pointing at them," Leonard told her. He held up the plastic fork he was still holding. "Like this fork, for example."
"You mean like this?" Penny pointed her finger at the fork in Leonard's hand. Nothing happened. "Well, I guess not like that," she said, sheepishly. "Sorry, Leonard, I guess my magic powers were just a dream you had."
"I suppose so," Leonard muttered. "Well, have fun studying," he said, giving her a quick kiss, then going back to his apartment.
Penny unlocked her door and stepped inside her apartment. Standing in the middle of the living room were Maurice and Endora. "Did he fall for it?" Endora asked.
"Hook, line and sinker," Penny said smugly. "He has no idea I'm still a witch."
"I must admit, my dear," Maurice said. "That was a clever stratagem you devised, returning everyone to the time before you were a witch so that none of them would remember. Except Emily, of course, since she has been a witch for many years."
"I'm glad we were able to make it work," Endora said, pushing on her back to relieve the tension she was feeling. "That spell required a lot of magic to work."
"Indeed," Maurice agreed. "I thought we'd have to bring in more of us at one point, but you and I were able to perform together once again, Endora." He smiled, leaning toward her.
"Don't get any funny ideas," Endora put a hand on his chest, pushing him back. "That's the most we'll ever be doing together anymore."
"Thank you for doing it," Penny said sincerely. "From now on I'll keep being a witch to myself until after Leonard and I are married."
"Perhaps that's something you should reconsider as well," Maurice suggested.
Penny shook her head. "No, I love him and I want to marry him, and I know he loves me now. I can't see us breaking up again."
"As you wish, my dear," Maurice said. He extended an elbow toward Endora. "May I drop you off somewhere, my dear?"
Endora took his arm, smiling. "How about at our favorite restaurant in Paris?" she asked. "After that display of magic I could use something to eat."
"You read my mind, my dear," Maurice smiled. He held out his hand and a top hat appeared in it. Placing it on his head, he bowed to Penny, "Ta-ta, my dear granddaughter. Until we meet again." He and Endora vanished in a burst of white light.
=ooo=
The End