22

The fire crackled and snapped, and tiny burning embers floated upward like fireflies. I leaned back against the rock and sighed, looking up into the night sky. A gentle dusting of snow came down, but the fire kept it at bay. Mirisa, wrapped in the huge parka, huddled close to the flickering flames and removed her oversize boots, setting them to the side and warming her feet by the fire.

"Sorry we don't have anything to eat," I said. "Reinhardt was carrying the food in his pack, but unfortunately, he's not here."

"What do you think happened to him?" Mirisa asked.

"I guess some people from the village saw him and he ran off," I guessed. "He told me that the Nords didn't trust him. Maybe he wasn't welcome there."

"I hope he's okay. He comes by the fort often, and I've spoken to him a few times. He seems very nice, but also strange."

"He's nice and strange all right," I said.

I closed my eyes, but despite my weariness, I did not think I was going to get much sleep this night. We had enough firewood to last for awhile, but I was not sure that it would last all the way until morning. Even with the fire to keep smaller animals at bay, there were much more dangerous things out in the woods to worry about. In fact, our fire might actually attract Nord berserkers or even one of the forest fairies, and that would mean big trouble. I could only hope that we would be left alone until it was bright enough outside for us to leave.

Mirisa set her arms on her knees and then rested her chin upon her arms, watching the fire closely. She seemed calm now, a far cry from the terrified, frantic woman I had rescued from Thirsk. But she had been through a very bad experience, and I knew exactly what she was going through. I didn't know what she was like before she had been taken prisoner, but I knew that it was not the same person that she was now.

"I want to thank you again," she said softly. "For what you did back there. If you had not gone to the village, I don't know what might have happened to me."

She turned to face me. "If there is anything I can ever do to pay you back, I promise I will do it. Jeleen's family has money, I'm sure he would be more than happy to give you a reward for saving me."

I waved her offer away. "I don't need any money, you don't have to do that."

We sat in silence for a moment, the only sound coming from the crackling fire. I kept my eyes out beyond the fire, watching the dark riverbank for any unwanted visitors. Sometimes wolves were known to investigate fires, although they usually stayed far back. If the firewood began to run low and I had to go out for more, I didn't want any surprises.

"However, there is one thing I need you to do," I said. "It's very important, but I think you're not going to like it."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"When we get back to the fort, you can't tell anyone about what happened to you in Thirsk. You have to keep that part a secret."

For a moment, she just stared at me, not understanding. Then, in surprise, she sat up and said, "What are you talking about? Of course I'm going to tell them."

"You're going to tell them that a berserker out in the woods found you and kidnapped you," I said very clearly, looking right at her. "It was not one of Wolf-Runner's warriors in the village. You have to leave that part out. You can tell then everything else, that you were abused and held prisoner in a cave, and that I found you and rescued you."

"Why?" Mirisa asked, raising her voice. "The people in Thirsk knew about what he was doing to me, and they did nothing! Why would I lie to protect them? Why are you even asking me to do that?" She looked hurt and offended, glaring at me distrustfully.

"Because I'm trying to stop a war," I said, my voice hard. "After what happened at the fort, the Legion will look for any reason to sweep through the Nord villages to get their vengeance. I might be able to convince them that the Nords aren't responsible for the attack, but if they hear your story, then anything I tell them will be ignored. They'll wage war to get revenge for what was done to you."

"But they are all guilty," Mirisa insisted. "You can't be saying that we should just … let them get away with it! The man who did this to me–"

"The man who raped you is dead," I snapped. "I killed him. Some of the villagers knew what was going on, but not all of them did. The Legion won't care about that though, they'll punish them all the same. I don't want that entire village burned to the ground because of what one man has done to you."

Mirisa just stared at me, conflicting emotions flashing across her face. "You don't understand," she said finally. "I can't just forget what that man did to me. If you really knew what I've gone through, you wouldn't even ask me to do something like that."

"I spent three years in a Cyrodiil prison," I said. "Trust me, I know exactly what you've gone through."

Mirisa was taken aback, eyes wide open in surprise. "Prison?" she asked. "But the guards in Cyrodiil would not have ..."

"Don't be naive," I said softly, looking away. "The men in Cyrodiil are no more honorable than the men here on Solstheim. A defenseless woman under their authority will bring out the worst in any man, no matter how good they appear to be. And if he has the law behind him, then he can do whatever he wants and get away with it."

Mirisa said nothing, her large eyes glimmering with reflected light from the fire. She wrung her hands anxiously, but she remained silent, looking at me expectantly.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, brushing loose strands out of my face. "Two of the guards raped me while I was in prison," I said, keeping my voice level. "It was during my first year there. Normally there were always two guards on duty, but I guess someone called in sick one day, so the other guard was all by himself. He snuck into my cell when I was asleep, and I don't need to tell you the rest."

"What did you do?" Mirisa asked softly.

"What could I do? Fight him? I didn't have anything on but a dirty tunic, and he was in armor and had a sword. I just laid there and let him do what he wanted."

"But ..." Mirisa seemed at a loss for words. The idea that I could submissively allow someone to have their way with me conflicted with her image of me as a powerful warrior. "You could had told someone, you could have ..."

"Who could I have told? Even if they believed me, which I doubt, they wouldn't have done anything about it. I was a prisoner there, I didn't have any rights."

"But how could you handle it?"

"I knew it was going to happen eventually," I said, looking at the ground. "I expected it to. I didn't have any illusions about how I was going to be treated in prison. So I just steeled myself and mentally prepared myself for the worst. When it happened, I just blocked away the pain and tried not to think about it."

"I don't know how you could do that," Mirisa said, and I wasn't sure if she felt sympathy or contempt for me. "I could never … just let someone do that."

I said nothing for a few moments. I took a stick from the pile of wood and snapped it in my hands before tossing it into the fire.

"I didn't really have a choice," I said. "If I had tried to fight him, he probably would have hurt me. Maybe even killed me, I don't know. I wasn't going to let that happen. I hoped that maybe if I seemed submissive, he would be less careful. Maybe I'd have a chance to get his sword away from him and stick it in his chest."

"You didn't though, did you?"

I shook my head. "No, I never had the chance. He got transferred or something not long after that. They don't keep prison guards there long, they don't want the prisoners getting too familiar with their routine."

Mirisa sighed sadly and continued to look into the fire. "How do you live with what happened?" she asked. "I mean, I'm engaged to be married to Jeleen, but after what that man did to me, I don't know if I can … be intimate with him anymore. I'm just afraid that anyone might hurt me like that again."

I thought back to my one night of passion with Carius. My experiences in prison were a distant memory to me now, and I did not dwell on them. They were beyond my control, and I wasn't going to let them change me. I certainly was not going to let those terrible memories prevent me from being physically attracted to someone, or from loving someone.

"You can't change the past," I said. "But you can't let the past take control of you either, you can't live your life like that. You have to move on."

"Have you moved on?" Mirisa asked.

"Yes," I said. "I've moved on from lots of things."