Chapter Nineteen

"Oh my god...his dad died?" Dee Dee had a look of pure disbelief on his face. We all did. It was hard for anyone to believe. I couldn't believe it.

"Oh man...wow. What are we gonna do? We still gotta do this fanmeet tomorrow. John has to be there." Marky sighed.

"No." I shook my head. "No, we can't do that to him. Just say that he had something important to do. But we can't just make him go out there."

"But John will be alright for a couple hours-"

"Marky, look. It's not that easy. I know you cant understand, but I can. My dad died last year. And it was really hard for me to get back on my feet. And it's even worse for John because at least I'm a girl and I can cry in front of people. John can't do that. You all know how he has a thing about his pride and all that. He wont let down for a minute. I don't even think he'll let himself cry when he's alone...and it's not healthy, but that's what he'll do."

"But that's the point," Joey said. "John is strong enough to be in front of people and not break. So why can't he do this with us?"

"Because Joey, honey..." I whispered. "It will be killing him. You hear me? He'll be tearing apart on the inside if he's in front of other people. What he needs right now is just some space. From everyone. Including me. Everyone needs to keep their distance from him for a while."

"Okay, yeah. She's right guys," Dee Dee said. "Let's just not bother him. He's gotta be by himself. Ya know, just be alone so he can think this out. And Angela?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry to hear that about your father. I guess you would know out of all of us what this is like."

I nodded, my eyes filling with tears, and my voice squeaked as I spoke. "I know all too well. And I hope that maybe John will open up to me so I can comfort him."

"I know that he loves and cares about ya Angela, but I don't think he's gonna let anyone do that," Joey said softly. "He's always been the kinda guy to just take whatever life throws at him. He just stores his feelings away and doesn't let up for anything. He's always been like that. Since I met 'im."

"Yeah, I mean, Dee Dee and Joey knew John way before me. I've known 'im for like...what, since I joined the band right? Like around '78." Marky looked at the other two guys.

"Yeah," Joey and Dee Dee said.

"Yeah so like six years. And even I know he's like that. He's just...uh, he wants to be strong. And you don't really get it 'cause you're a woman, ya know? But when you're a man like us, and especially the way John is...to him, his pride is everything. And he'll do whatever it takes to maintain that 'hey, I'm a badass and I'll fuck you up' kinda attitude. Ya know? And uh...so, he's really goin' through a hard time right now. I honestly feel bad for him. I mean, and he was kinda close with his dad too, so that's real fucked up for him to just die all of a sudden and then John finds out the next day just outta the blue. That's just real fucked up."

"Oh, my poor baby. I really wish I could just hug him."

That night, no one said anything else. There was no songwriting, there was no socializing, no nothing. Everyone just sat and looked around at each other. Johnny was still out by the time we all went to sleep. And I even woke up the next morning to see that he was still gone. I guess he really just needed some time for himself. But we were all going to have to face him. And I knew for a fact that it wasn't going to be pretty. Johnny was going to yell at everyone. We had to be extra careful, because we knew that when he got back, he'd be snapping at everyone. Even me. And we should avoid him being angry as much as possible.

. . .

The day after...

"Hey, come on. Let's get a move on. We're gonna be late for this thing. The fans get impatient, ya know."

Johnny seemed to be acting like normal. I had to give him props. He really knew how to hide how he was really feeling. He didn't look sad, or tired (he was out all night). Just his normal, fast-paced self. But he was a little off though...he seemed to be focusing extra hard on certain things. And it was harder to get him to break away from whatever he was doing to do something else. That definitely wasn't normal. Not for Johnny. My poor boyfriend was dying on the inside, I knew. And everyone else knew that too, but they didn't say a word. No one said a word about it.

But deep inside, Johnny was crying. He even held it together when he was signing things for the fans. He smiled, took pictures with them, and none of them knew what was really going on inside his head. Only the band and I knew.

Johnny didn't call his mom at all. He was simply in denial of the fact that his father had died. I understood this feeling, because I went through it for a couple of weeks. Then...I completely lost my mind. I lost it. I'd have insomnia, night terrors, and I wouldn't eat anything. Johnny wasn't there to comfort me at the time either, so that just made things worse. One night...things really got bad. He got into a fight with Joey again over something stupid.

"Look man, fuck off. Just...look, we'll just deal with it in the morning." Joey yawned.

"No! We're gonna do it now! I don't wanna wait until tomorrow. You all are a buncha lazy ass fuckers who do nothin' around here. Who ends up doin' all the work? Me! And nobody helps me. I get no fuckin' help, 'kay? So do what I fuckin' say or I'm gonna give ya a bloody nose. I'll beat the shit outta ya, you better listen to me-"

"JOHN! STOP IT, NOW!" I stood in front of Joey.

Johnny chuckled humorlessly and nodded. "Ok okay. So I see what's goin' on here. I shoulda fuckin' known. You're in love with this fucker, aren't you?"

"John, cut it out. I love Joey like a brother and a best friend. Just stop it, you're being ridiculous."

"Fuck that, I see the way you look at 'im. And he looks at you the same way." He looked at Joey. "Betcha you're givin' me payback for me stealin' Linda, is that right?"

"Fuck you, man! I'm not a douchebag like you are. You're just mad 'cause everyone likes me. You've always been jealous of me, ever since we started the Ramones. You're mad 'cause I get all the fuckin' attention, and poor little Johnny, the guitarist, doesn't. Get over yourself, man. That's life, just deal with it."

"You think I'm jealous? Joey...when are ya gonna learn that this has nothing to do with you?"

"You know what, John? You're right. It has nothing to do with me. Right, right...you know what the problem really is? YOU. You even run away from yourself, ya know that? You cant even be honest with yourself. That's real fuckin' sad, man. Here you are. It's been like, what, two weeks since your dad died and-"

"Don't you dare talk about my father!" Uh-oh. Joey struck a nerve, and Johnny was now even more furious than he was before. "No one talk about my dad. NOBODY!" He stormed out of the room, slamming the door extra hard behind him, almost making my ears bleed. Jesus, some boyfriend I had...one thing was for sure: I definitely knew how to pick them. This was going to be harder than I thought. I turned around to see Joey looking tired and exasperated.

"It's okay Joey. I'll deal with him. Just try to get some sleep okay? I'm sorry."

"No, no, you didn't do anything. It's alright, I know he's going through a lot of shit. But you should warn him. Next time, I'm gonna punch a hole through 'im if he talks to me like that again. Seriously. He thinks I'm weak, but one day he'll see how strong I really him. I'll prove it to 'im by hurting him."

"I'd rather you men weren't so barbaric when it comes to settling things, but whatever. Get some sleep, okay?"

"Alright. Night darlin'."

"Goodnight, Joey." I looked at Dee Dee and Marky who were sitting on the couch in silence. "'Night Dee Dee, 'night Marky."

After they said goodnight, I went after Johnny. I opened the door and closed it behind me. "John, I'm so disappointed in you. Why would you say something like that?"

"Like what, Angela?" He was using my full first name. That was when I knew he was really angry with me.

"Why would you think that I'm in love with Joey?"

"Well, are ya?"

"What kind of question is that? Of course not, John. I'm in love with you. I've always been in love with you. It's always been you. Why would you think I'm in love with someone else? Joey and I are JUST FRIENDS. That's it. We're only friends."

He sighed. "You must think I'm the biggest shithead on the planet right now, huh? It's alright, I know I am." He sat down on the bed and reached out his arm. "Come here, sweetie." His voice was soft. I walked over to him and sat next to him. He put his arm around my shoulders and I leaned closer to him. "I'm really sorry. I really don't mean to be like this, I just...I-"

"I know what it is. You miss your dad. Don't you, John?"

He was silent, and looked down at the floor.

"Baby, it's alright to miss him, you know. I think of my dad every single day. I miss him so much...it's okay to cry."

"No, no Angie. You don't understand. I can't cry. I don't know how."

"John...what? Oh come on, everyone knows how to cry."

"I haven't cried since I was ten years old. Seriously, that was the last time."

"So there was nothing between then and now that made you sad?"

"Well yeah, I got sad, but I wouldn't show it. I don't ever show it. I just yell or get mad. But I never, never cry. Never."

"Maybe you should."

"No. Men don't cry. That would make me weak. I'm stronger than that. I come from a long line of men who endure, who sacrifice. Why should I be any different?"

"John, it's not normal not to cry over someone close to you who passed away. It's completely normal. You shouldn't think that it's weakness, or whatever you think it may be. In fact, holding in your feelings like this doesn't make you strong. It makes you an idiot. You shouldn't do that to yourself. And I know this is torturing you to act this way. I know what it feels like to lose someone you love, baby. That's why I'm saying this. You need to stop this foolishness and just get your feelings out. I'm right here if you need to talk. And I wont make fun of you. You know that."

Johnny sighed and put his hands in his face. "Man, I'm exhausted."

"Well you should be from all that shouting you did with Joey out there. I'm not surprised."

He just sat there, completely quiet.

"If there...if there was one last thing that you could say to your dad, what would it be?" I stroked his hair. He sat up and thought for a minute.

"I'd say, 'Pops, I know we didn't have much of a father-and-son relationship, but I'm glad that you raised me. And I'm glad to be your son.'" He paused, then continued. "'I know I never told you often, but I love you. And I always will.'" He paused again, then spoke, his voice cracking a little. It was starting to happen. His denial stage was finally disappearing. His chin slightly trembled. "'And...I know you never told me that often either but...I know you love me too. And...I'll miss you. More than anything, Pops. I love you.'"

My eyes were getting watery listening to Johnny speak. I never saw him be so sincere about anything in his life. Or at least, in the couple of years that I'd known him. He never showed this kind of emotion, ever. And honestly, I was a little shocked. "That was beautiful."

"Angie..."

I sniffled. "Yes?"

He looked me in the eyes. "I think I just remembered how to cry again." He buried his face in my shoulder. Johnny's sobs could have woken up the entire world that night. But most importantly, Johnny woke something up inside of himself. Something that was locked away and was finally being opened. I embraced him tightly and tried to comfort him as much as I could. He was finally having a break-through. And as sad as this moment with him was, I was happy for him.

"There, there...it's alright, darling. I'm here. I'm right here." I kissed his forehead. "I'm here, John. Alright, just let it all out, it's okay." I held him and gently brushed his dark brown hair. "It's gonna be alright, you'll see. We'll get through this together, okay? I promise. I'm here for you..."

"I feel so weak, Angie. I feel... like I'm not strong."

"Yes you are, John. You're one of the strongest people I know. But everyone has their weak moments. It'll be alright. We'll get through this..."

"I miss my dad so much." He sobbed louder and held me tighter. His grip was hurting me, but I dealt with it for the time being. He needed me. "I miss him so much. I just wish he weren't dead. I wish none of this happened..."

Johnny didn't fall asleep until about five in the morning. I tucked him in, gave him a kiss, then went to sleep too. I was exhausted. But I went to sleep knowing that things would be much more different from now on...