Chapter 17
Carnival Sonata: Cendrawasih

~Carla~

Passion is a virtue?

Maybe yes, maybe not, but for me, passion is indeed a virtue. My fondness over the things that composed from multiple pitches in the sound waves, on how they created such harmony from seemingly random intertwined noise, but in the end, what people called as "music", simply one of the greatest creation this world could offer to me.

On how they worked isn't necessarily important to me, such trivial details isn't going to alter the kind of tunes they are having, as enchanted as they are, they will always find a way to assimilate you into their realm. And so that's what happened to me. Music already become my passion since I was a chick, the first time I accidentally heard a catchy Samba music from the TV, and it seeped into my soul, even my taste isn't really at Samba.

And so my life has altered into something new. Music is an integral part in my life, as like the oxygen I kept inhaling to live, or in this case, music becomes my second oxygen, never one day I believe I will survive without listening to it, and to think such terrific scenario bring a shudder to my body.

For once I never knew on just how far my obsession would be- I mean, for some people, their hobbies sometimes not really what they will do one day, even the talented on drawing and singing or whatever else, chances are ranging from 10 – 20% for the occurrence of their hobbies become their main "job" – in human terms, or perhaps, become their main purpose of life, their paramount quest to be fulfilled.

For such passion that ignited inside my soul for this case, an artistic-aesthetic design that implemented in the form of sound waves, the pitches, the amplitudes, the tempos, and so many other aspects that composed it, on just how hard it is the creation of it, but also on how simple they are to include those who lend their ears and being intoxicated within its grasp. The passion is burning intensely, it gave me meaning, it gave me a reassurance, and it gave me a destiny I can look upon with such vividness. Albeit for humans, reality might seem a little different.

The main thing is for human, they didn't get much of the freedom like I do- I mean, count a number of person when their hobbies finally become a reality without so many efforts they had to endure- count how many human getting strangulated because they put all of themselves inside their passion and finally deteriorate when the world started to gained a brighter star to replace them… and so, what is the meaning of passion then? If the revelation spoke something irrevocably as how such fate can exist in one's life should they decide to venture into this path? A path of uncertainty where wagering is the only salvation, the only hope?

I suppose, it is a matter on how you see the world, as the passion itself, it merely an option either to take it or leave it forever without ever turn back. Even it is a somberness for someone to ignore his/her internal call for the sake of a much brighter future rather than just temporary jubilation over some peoples that praised you, until one day you will realize that it was nothing more than a mere words, slowly disintegrating as your glow started to weaken.

Here in the name of passion, sometimes dilemma get the best of you, you have the ability to make something great- something powerful that brought you happiness, but the moment reality said "No", we are rendered powerless. There is now way to escape its clutches sans gambling over fate, but then again, there is a tiny light in this particular case, a much grander version of what passion truly are, the quintessential things called happiness and freedom.

On how to see the essence and hindsight that planted inside a certain situation, one's must redefine their own perception, instead of using a single lens that saturated on how you see, hear and finally developed a certain understatement about world. For me? I'm seeing the world with the lenses of artistic views, such birds like Bia with the lenses of logics and calculations, or someone like Tiago that sees the world as a playground… that is how unique a perspective is, on how very varitype they are when you pay attention to them, and stroking their brush the world with more vibrant color than it truly is.

Epiphany might be nearby for someone who dared to take the least-travelled-road and seeking the thrill from itself – which is ominous sometimes – but in respect for the ultimate rewards of happiness and liberty- I think that's worth a shot and I believe that choosing to listen to your heart rather than your head sometimes isn't as bad as it sounds – while the vagueness is indeed inevitable – at least, for one matter, it is the journey to listen and find the treasure we are seeking for is matter, in the end, the treasure merely a gift, merely a trinket to remember what we've been through on this cold, dusty road.

And such experiences we gained are truly irreplaceable, not matter how many diamonds or shimmering pearls you might have, the experiences are much more supreme than them, for one's perception and wisdom are shaped from their life, their journey in this fanatic world…

While I do understand the sense of security is the most important thing, on how to survive the world and see another sunrise, even sometimes I just wondered if it is the right thing for people to ignore the dreams they have, casting them away into the abyss and never return to see it anymore… such act can be classified as denial over oneself… or perhaps not, maybe not, as I use my bias to state it- there is one question though, on what is the right way to perceive the reality… to become naïve and pursue the dream? Or to become senseless and let the reality shackles you into the ground forever?

Well, I don't know… my way of thinking hasn't yet reached the tier where I can fathom such ambiguous question without diluting any other aspect, or perhaps to use all the considerations into the decision-making process sans hesitancy. Mainly because I was still too young for it… there is a long road expanded in front of me yet I've explored, but for me, I deceive over the reality and let my passion guide my way.

And I suppose that's the reason why the phrase "Wise beyond his/her years" is rarely used.

The nervousness once again flew into my nerve's system the moment my eardrum caught the muffled noise from the heated festivities out there. My heart was racing faster than usual and my mind was incredibly anxious from the upcoming performance. Uncle Nico and Pedro already reassured me that I was going to rock the Carnival real hard, and while such words gave me a little encouragement, the noise from out there – massive as they would be – diluting the once confidence that firmly etched inside my soul.

There was nothing that I could do except keep practicing over my singing, but with the overflowing anxiety currently streaming inside my soul, I didn't know if I would manage to create my performance as best as I could do. In fact, just thinking about the havocs that might happen already lessened my once jubilated mood when told me that they included me inside the Carnival's main performance.

The thing is, when you are included inside a grand performance of your long-life passions, there are a lot of pressure squeezing around you, while mostly people will stay calm and say nothing to you, the pressure from yourself alone enough to make you implode when they started to get the best of you, and that night, I was claimed by that emotion.

My thought was racing over the series of worst-case-scenarios that might happened to me during my critical performance ranging from trivial mistune to the more serious state where I couldn't find my voice… and that almost broke me.

Thankfully enough that my sister came to visit and dissipated some of the doubt away, even her words didn't disintegrated the kind of distress I had instantly, at least, she helped me to stay sane and prepared during one of the most important moments in my life.

Their departure filled me with silence once more, and the with Bia and Frost's words echoing in my ear, the once nervous-infused emotion suppressed a little bit and let me to sigh in exhilaration, and returned back into my practice. The song itself wasn't as hard, mainly because I already sung it for almost my entire lifetime – okay perhaps I was exaggerating… perhaps since I listened to that song more than I can count myself… Ugh! You get the point.

And to perform such song wasn't necessarily hard, except for so many tangled tunes that existed from the chorus and the second verse, not to mention a little crescendo I need to include in order to make the song more enchanting and also the hardest part of all, the overtone.

It wasn't something new for a song to include overtone in order to enrich the main melody, or simply blasted the last chorus or verse in order to make the song memorable, and in my opinion alone, it was indeed a true aesthetic-blueprint, and for so many songs that included them, some of them indeed left a resonated vibe inside my head since I listened to them.

But to execute it in the real life environment wasn't as easy as they sound. It required a lot of practice to just overtone the song without mislead or run away from the base melody (this case is to tune the song precisely one key), and for some song that possessed a high pitch already as their base tune, the overtone will show its true identity.

That's why I need to keep practicing over my song and let no mistakes shattered the kind of dream that will likely to misted the effort I put myself into this, into the passion I was having, and to become the star I always wanted, shinning the brightest when I finally reached my dream to sing for my life.

Talented or not, I always spent my leisure time on singing the kind of song existed inside my iPod's playlist (and I'd got to thank Fernando for the effort to include all of them) and grew a fondness over some human singers like Katy Perry, Owl City, Coldplay, Taylor Swift, and so many more that my mind sometimes overflowing with the enormous number of amazing human singers that created those awesome songs, and to be honest myself, I want to share their dream, share their passion, share the kind of excitement, praise, adoration as well as the emotional burst that colored their respective unique songs from their own style.

Music is like a candy, sweet and addicting at the same time – while in the bright side provide not a single threat – and it kept me happy, it kept me free out of stress, out of the pressure from the senseless reality; the realm when I could create a stroke of fireworks display inside my head sans disturbing others, and to be drenched inside the world of music itself already was a very amazing experience.

Have you ever got yourself lost inside music? Where the world around you tinted with a lot of saturation over something that wasn't truly existed? When your heart was beating faster than usual as the beats started to seize your control? When the blasts from the chorus make your head bobbed uncontrollably? When the intoxicating tunes dwelled inside your head until you started to pick the right pitch in your own vocal cord?

There is one big not-so-secret about artistic work, and I suppose, it is a matter on how serious, how strong you want to put a fragment of your soul into it, and with such might able to gain control over other peoples that willing to listen or see or enjoy your works, appreciated them and finally endorsed it to another people, the start of one's magical career on the creative world.

But for the chances are quite low, aside from so many aspect you won't understand. The main thing, like I said, merely a perspective problem, what do you think as "best" isn't necessarily "best" for another people, even when you basically exhausted from trying, even when you are virtually reduced to bones by just giving everything you got inside your work… but yet the world pass it without even giving a glance?

On just how tragic – or rather ironic – how those who choose this road, hoping for so much adoration and praise, but yet, only received a kind of cold shoulder from the world... as gambling really is the only way to keep having hope over the next work you do will get a better reception – which is not really true – but then, it's returned to the former, only gambling that the world will notice you.

But for some reason, when you keep the quality of your passion, the kind of adamancy you maintained in every work you do- I believe that peoples won't close their eyes forever, they will finally see the kind of effort you've put into your work, the pieces of souls you embedded within the creation of your creative mind, and finally… adorations, praises, compliments… will surely reached you soon.

However, if that's really what you wanted, to put your soul in sole purpose to lift your head into the clouds with esteem and praise… you literally lost the meaning of what passion truly is.

I mean like this, when peoples said that "you are amazing, your song is awesome" and the next day, those peoples never returned… compared with when you saw someone enjoy your work- even cry when they feel the kind of passion harbored that you embedded inside… even they spoke no words- I believe you know the answer, and to ask yourself what is your purpose… is a quest of your own.

"Carla, are you ready? Your performance will be next after César and Selena," Uncle Nico stated. "Prepare yourself kiddo; I know you can do it."

I shot him a nervous look, but smile nonetheless. "I'll try my best for this… this is my night, and I will rock it until the world crumbled."

Uncle Nico was chuckling lightly. "Sure you will, Carla. There is no doubt in it." He then added. "Although, I need to say something… just be yourself, be your own soul. You are Carla, you are not someone else, remember that."

I nodded my head twice and returned to my singing, refining the tune in my vocal cord as well as reminded myself over the part where I need to improve.

The practice really took toll on me as I started to get really tired and bored. I moved over the curtain when Uncle Nico declared loudly the performance of César and Selena.

I popped my head a little from the backstage and saw the two eccentric eagles started their dance. I never knew the kind of dance they were having, it's more coordinated compared to the one I saw in the Samba dance, while the movements themselves were hinted a thick traditional moves, and to somehow use Samba as their music was incredibly miraculous to me.

César and Selena were tip-toeing from one spot to another with perfect synchronization, while occasionally escalated their movement into a fast paced one before returned to the tip-toeing movements and began the next part of their dance. I was quite intrigued on the style from the dance, as my mind keep insisted that I had saw them somewhere, but unable to get a lucid picture on where or when I saw it.

Their graceful moves attracted the interest of the crowds, who cheered occasionally when they did some amazing stunts such as César holding Selena with his right wing while he balanced himself with his left talon only- or the other one when César and Selena gracefully spinning in the sky while keep their wings tangled with each other… and to be honest, I was starting to like the performance myself.

Alas, the thought to prepare myself once more resurfaced and smack me quite hard the moment my eyes realized on just how many the pair of eyes that stared into their performance and my heart hastily felt a surge of anxiety, once again pumped into my blood vessel for my entire body to register.

I inhaled a couple of deep breaths while exhaling them softly to calm the kind of agitation possessed my soul, even the actual effort only dissipated a small dose of the said injection, but thankfully, it stayed within the state where my mind was prepared to face the crowd.

I retreated back into the deeper section of the backstage and prepared myself one more time, hitting the play button in my iPod and listened to the song I was going to perform one last time before my curtain call, and soon to be drenched inside the sea of melodies and tunes once more, igniting the kind of triumph passion I required the most for my act…

My brain was muted for the last couple of minutes for almost the duration of the song, instead, my heart was doing all the job of memorizing each parts; each tunes; each crescendos that existed within the song.

Jittery started to fill me with greater intensity the moment Uncle Nico reached my room and nudged me back into the reality. Setting the earphones aside and followed my Uncle escort to the performer queue… even I was the only one standing there….

There was a cocktail of mixed feelings being quenched into my soul, its ingredients that would likely to create a havoc and distortion in my performance: anxiety, happiness, nausea, afraid, triumph… and many other things that filled me… mostly angst….

The dreading moment finally came into reality when I saw César and Selena bowed humbly and retreated towards the backstage, smiling at me within their panted breath from their taxing dance. "Good luck, Carla! Rock them."

I donned my face with a smile – a nervous smile – and initiating my mental for the biggest moment in my life… and my eyes widened a bit when Uncle Nico's voice broadcasting my performance into the crowd.

"And now, the moment we have been waiting for, por favor, Carla!"

My blood run cold the moment his voice resonated into my eardrum, hammering with such decibels that seemed louder that it should be. I reluctantly walked outside the offstage, and greeted with loud thundering noise from the clapping and cheering alike…

My heart beating at its full pace the moment I saw just how massive the crowd was. There was indeed almost a hundred – maybe a thousand – pair of eyes averting their gaze directly towards me… a surge of panic filled my mind, and I was tempted to retreat back into the backstage, but before I could do anything, the tunes from my song reached my ears and started to calm me down… and finally enough to let me dwell inside the comfortable zone of my world- the world where tunes are swirls of color…

I cleared my voice as the cue from the waning intro registered inside my brain, I recounted each line of the lyrics from the song… performing a mental calculation about when I need to do what part necessarily to be addressed in there, but then again… when my brain administered enough of those catchy tunes… their significance evaporated.

When my mind finally submitted into the realm of my world, where the tunes came not from my brain's processing result, but instead, the guidance from my passion, my intuition that tempered from the passing time I'd spent inside my passion… singing the song started to show no effort whatsoever for me to do.

I started to sing the first verse of the song from one of the most favorite songs in my playlist, When can I see you again? by Owl City.

I started to sing the first verse, vividly remembered every part of the song as my soul immersed with the tunes and trebles that emitted from the speakers and let my soul do the task to mouth the words into a series of pitches that started to form the song.

The chorus soon hit me after the first verse end; sparing me not a single second to think and let all the passion that engulfed my soul with their intense blaze took form on my voice. I dared not to open my eyes and kept myself inside the fantasy world of the vibrant and rich tunes, relying solely on my hearing senses to predict what happened with the crowd.

A burst of color existed in my eyes as the lyrics began to swallow my mind. I picked this song on purpose amongst other song available because on just how perfect the lyric was for the Carnival, on how it perfectly matched on what I was having in mind.

When can we do this again?

I mean, Carnival is always claimed as one of the grandest festivities in the whole world, in addition over the fact that Carnival happened once a year brought the song into a new meaning, the question that I hope will sinking in inside the soul of the listener, on when can we do this again? When can we talk and laugh once more? On when can we be free as that night once more?

To me, such memorable events must be anchored with something. While humans tend to immortalize a moment with their sophisticated camera; preserving a memory in the form of photograph, that wasn't really an option for a bird- The reason why I wanted to make this song as an anchor, as the landmark of the jubilation that blanketed the soul of every attendees within the Carnival.

Some other cases might be on how the lyrics reflected over the contemplation that lingered inside my head, on to believe in passion and wager over fate- or simply ignore them… I suppose I leaned something either, an answer that might bring me one step closer into the answer of it, and while my thought leaning towards the passion, as on how the shaped the world, on how the managed to make this blatant world a bigger and colorful place.

I sang all of the part with my heart out, hearing the thunderous cheers erupted when the song stepped inside a temporary melody tangled, as I prepared myself to overtone the song.

I screamed my voice out, giving all the best I could muster in one single blow, and the effort show its result when I barely noticed a slight distortion within the my voice; satisfied, I dared to open my eyes and saw the crowds staring me in awe, some of them even started to sing alongside with me. Overpowered with the surge of raw happiness, I continued my song with my heart doing multiple somersaults.

The waning tone finally reached my ears and I quickly registered that my performance was a stroking success as the crowds erupted a volcanic-tier-magnitude of clapping and cheers over my performance. My heart was filled with delight, a velvety that lingered inside the instrument of love, and I couldn't contain my tears soon after.

I bowed humbly and jogged back into the backstage with my happiness-stained-tears face, forming the broadest smile I had ever had in my life as Uncle Nico and Pedro came to congratulate me. "Good job! Very good job! I know you can do it!"

"Yo girl! Dat was sick!" Uncle Pedro stated. "I believe you are a true star, Carla!"

I blushed and wiped my tears hastily. "Thanks a lot, Uncle Nico and Pedro." I stated and gave them a heartfelt hug.

"Yes… we know it… but please not too tight…" Uncle Nico stated.

I released my hug and hung my head in shame. "Sorry, I'm just so happy!"

He fixed the bottle cap "hat" and replies softly. "That's okay, right Pedro?"

"Man, you just get stronger each day! I don't know just how fast you already grow."

I chuckled. "Well, I still have a long time ahead."

Uncle Pedro nodded. "Indeed it is, gurl."

"Okay, perhaps you really wanted to meet your family right now. Let's find them; I suppose it will be a sin to hold you here much longer."

I nodded in agreement. "Okay, let's go."

My mind was still filled with the events that recently happened inside my timeline of life, and it returned me back into a deep contemplation.

I suppose, when we are faced with such question that the answer lies in the ambiguous section, where everything seems vague to be the best answer… There is indeed always a light in the darkness, a silver lining in the cloudy sky.

Even I will likely to face the harsh reality when I decided to immersed myself completely inside the internal call of my passion, I still believe one thing, that, even in the wake of the worst kind scenario where people finally gone and searched for another newfound stars, the one that seems promising a new things, I just need to understand one thing. It is to be yourself, to be original as you truly are what matters, as the sole purposes over passion in the first place is happiness. A feeling that will make all adorations and praises seems insignificant when induced with its spell.

And for such things, a passions that lived inside your soul truly, never deny them, never tell them to disappear, as the passions for countless people already saturated the world into a better place, a heavenly stokes on earth akin to the sight of a Cendrawasih.

A/N: Hospital ain't gonna stop me from writin' ha!

Okay, I finally finished the last part of the Carnival Sonata, this is my thought when I decided to venture into the world of art, where such "bright future" never been existed (Or perhaps promised) in the first place, but for one who dared to gamble... I'll say the rewards are always been worthy and about the song... XD I don't know what is more fitting than that (Bad taste in music I know)

and so, kudos for you who knows what a Cendrawasih is... oh, who am I kidding, Cendrawasih is also called as Bird-of-paradise.

Thanks for your time here! and don't forget! Reviews!