Chapter 8: The Morning After

Morning came sooner than Castiel would have liked. He just wanted to lay in bed, when did he get in bed? Sitting up abruptly he winced because of the throbbing headache from crying a good part of the night, his eyes raked the room.

First of all, he was in his bed, how did he get there? He was sure he passed out on the floor. His sheets were new and clean, not stained with the memory of last night,

Second, the room was clean. There was no broken glass or signs of the destruction he created last night. Was it Dean? Did Dean come back to see him? No. He wouldn't let himself think of Dean anymore. He needed to get over this pathetic crush of his.

Dean obviously didn't want him.

Pushing thoughts of the green eyed man to the back of his mind, he let out a shaky breath, heading to take a shower. He was up way later than most and he missed breakfast and it was barely past one o'clock in the afternoon now.

He wondered why no one came to wake him up. Showering, he tried to wash away the puffiness of his eyes, though he knew there was no way that'd work. His eyes were red and he still had a pounding headache.

Stepping out of the shower, he dressed for the day, freezing in his tracks when he heard the door open. He still hadn't gone through how to act around Dean. What should he say? Should he say anything? What if Dean wants him to leave?

Panic settled in Castiel's gut as he zoned out, trying to pinpoint all the possibilities. He was brought back to reality when he heard a greeting. His eyes focused and he laid eyes on Sam. Thank God. He let out a very obvious sigh of relief when he realized it was Sam.

Raising an eyebrow, Sam just gave Castiel a small smile. "How you feelin? Dean said not to bother you this morning so I was a little worried."

At the mention of Dean's name, Castiel flitted his gaze away, biting his lips. His body went frigid and he had to hold back more tears. He wasn't ready to talk about it yet, or even see him. He'd probably become a sobbing mess if he was face to face with Dean.

"Hey…" He felt a warm hand on his shoulder as he looked up to Sam's concerned face.

"I just… I can't." Sam seemed to realize and he shushed Castiel as he choked on his words.

"I'm just gunna say this, Dean is a dumbass okay? Whatever happened between you last night is because Dean won't let himself have feelings. He doesn't think he has the right. He just… He just needs time. I can say he obviously cares a great deal about you. He fucked up his last relationship, you know Lisa, and I think he's scared to fuck up another one."

"What happened with Lisa? He never told me." Castiel couldn't help but ask, he needed to understand Dean.

Sam grimaced slightly as he spoke, "She knew Dean before the… outbreak, and they were really close even though she had Ben. They were unbelievably close and we all wondered when they were going to finally get together.

Well after the outbreak Dean went crazy trying to protect them and ended up getting them into even more trouble, almost causing Lisa to lose her life. It forced Ben to take up arms and kill people. It traumatized Ben in the process and we barely saved Lisa. I honestly don't know how she made it. After that she and Dean became distant, getting into arguments more often than not. They ended their relationship on a bad note and Dean won't let himself get into it again. Give him time okay?"

Castiel was honestly surprised. Dean probably blames himself for it all, when it wasn't. He wouldn't let himself get close again. Castiel let out a bitter chuckle, causing Sam's eyebrows to raise.

"You think I can change that?" Sam just gave a quick nod, his face expressionless.

"I really doubt I can do that Sam. You have too much faith in me, I'm just a pathetic person that Dean dotes on." Sam was about to disagree when Castiel walked right past him and out the door. It was now 1:30 and lunch was going to be served soon.

Should he even go to lunch? What if he sees Dean? Swiftly walking through camp, he avoids eye contact and barely avoids Charlie bounding up to him. No doubt she was going to ask why Dean was in a foul mood.

He just gives her a short nod and keeps on his way. He might as well distract himself by visiting Samandriel. Maybe they could actually have a nice chat? See how Gabriel is doing, the only 'brother' he really cares about.

Reaching the safe box, it was eerily quiet, and there were no guards outside. What the hell? A fearsome panic stuck in Castiel's gut as he slowly opened the door, preparing for any possible attack. Who knew what Samandriel was capable of, since he was already incredibly strong before Castiel left.

He was shocked to see the room empty, and he wasn't forcibly removed. It almost seemed like he was led out.

Dean.

Castiel was about to run out and blindly search for the man in question, but he saw him approaching with Sam already. Why were they headed here? Castiel stayed inside, hiding from them since he was too cowardly to show himself now.

He'd just wait till they were gone. Yeah, that was a good plan.

Dean walked in full stride towards the safe box, Sam following easily behind since his legs were longer than his anyway.

"Go away Sam." He heard a gruff from behind him and stopped a few feet from the safe box, turning around to confront his brother.

"I don't want to talk about him." Castiel dully noted from the tone of his voice that Sam was trying to talk about him. His face turned expressionless as he slid down the wall, listening to their conversation stewing more emotions in him.

"Dean! Just listen for once god dammit!" Sam was obviously irritated as well, most likely from Dean's reluctance to talk about anything.

"Sam no." Dean raises his voice a little louder than he meant, causing Sam to take a noisy step back.

"You need to talk to him. Please. You didn't see the state he was in this morning." Castiel's let out a silent sigh, he had to give Sam props for trying. But Dean didn't see Castiel that way. It was plain and simple.

"I know okay? Happy? I know what state he was in last night, and you know what? I fucking caused that. Me. I hurt another person Sam. He didn't come to breakfast, or lunch. Fuck." Dean slammed his fist on the safe box wall, causing Castiel to jump slightly.

"Dean…"

"No Sam. I'm not talking about this." Sam let out a defeated sigh and decided to move onto other matters.

"Okay if you won't talk about this problem, then tell me why the fuck you let Samandriel go?"

What? Castiel instantly stood up. Slamming the safe box door open, he was met with two startled men. One who just stared at him with disbelief, the other, those green eyes swimming with emotions, met blue for a moment then moved to the ground.

"You did what?" It takes Dean a moment to realize he's being talked to. Clearing his throat, he kept his gaze away from those taunting blue eyes.

"You obviously heard me. How long have you been there?" Dean asked, avoiding the subject. Castiel was furious. He stomped right up to Dean, invading the personal space he so obviously wanted to keep. He noticed Dean's breath hitch when he got close, but he was too pissed off to think anything of it.

"So. You're telling me that you willingly sent Samandriel back to Michael?" Dean's eyes were blown wide as he gave a slight nod. Sam was seemingly in the same position. He was startled into silence.

"Why the fuck would you send him back? Dean. You know what Michael did to me, and I was his fucking favorite. What do you think he's going to do to that child when he comes back, having failed his mission? It's not going to be pretty and I doubt we'll ever see him again."

Dean takes a breath and takes a few steps away from Castiel's fuming bubble.

"I did what I had to. It's none of your business okay?" Castiel fumes even more, his fists balled up.

"None of my what?" The pure malice in his voice makes Dean contemplate his decisions.

"None of my fucking business? Dean Winchester you say you don't want anymore blood on your hands but you probably just got the blood of child all over yourself." Dean flinches at his harsh words, even Sam is slowly retreating.

"I'm the leader! You have no fucking right deciding whether my actions were right or wrong. I make the decisions, not you."

Castiel lets out a bitter laugh and watches as Dean keeps moving away from him.

"You can't even look at me right now… Fuck." Biting his lip, he holds back the tears that are threatening to form. He can't deal with this right now. There is so much emotional turmoil and physical stress going on inside his body that he just wants to shut down.

"Well then maybe I'd be better off going back to Michael as well, since you can't even seem to look at me." Castiel's voice is small and the bitter emanating from it makes Dean snap back at the statement.

"No fucking way. I'm never letting you go back to that douche bag." Castiel lets out another laugh.

"When did I become your property Dean? You are the one who pushed me away last night, I could be yours Dean. I am willing to be yours. But you won't let it happen because you can't get over your damn problems. Well I won't be here forever." He was now having issues keeping his tears in now, he kept choking on sobs that wanted to escape.

He watched those beautiful green eyes go wide in realization that the man across from him was crying now.

"A-At least Michael would love me…" He can't help it. He's stressed and unbelievably exhausted after these past few days. The tears just won't stop. He keeps choking on his own sobs as he collapses to the ground, from the corner of his eye he swears Dean was about to run over to him.

Dean's fists were now balled up as he felt his emotions swell around inside of him. It's his fault Castiel is like this. The man he's come to care so much about. Why the fuck can't he do anything? All he'd have to do is wrap his arms around the man, and calm him down.

But every time he approaches that box inside, he sees Lisa's face of disdain when he comes near and the pure fear in Ben's eyes. The way the boy just trembles around Dean, as if he's living in the memory if Dean so much as looks at him.

Flexing his fist, he's clenching them so hard they are going numb. He's just sitting there, watching Castiel cry.

Turning away from the sobbing mess, he manages to speak, "I'm sorry Cas…" His voice is filled with regret and… fear? Castiel didn't realize until now, how afraid of feelings Dean truly was. Apparently Lisa and Ben haunted his every memory.

Castiel punched the ground so hard he cut the outer skin on his knuckles, causing it to bleed. He winced slightly at the pain, but nothing was more painful than watching Dean Winchester stew in his emotions and walk away from him.

He really needed to occupy his mind with something, so once he composed himself enough, he went straight to the medical cabin. He was greeted with Lisa and Andrea. Charlie was nowhere in sight, and he could feel the worry emanating off the two women.

He looked like shit and there was nothing they could do to change it.

Though he did feel a tad bit angry when Lisa just narrowed her eyes at him, like she knew about his troubles, when it's her fucking fault that Dean can't admit his own damn feelings to himself.

Suddenly he got the urge to start throwing things again, but he delved into his work, trying to sate that anger.

Andrea leaned over his shoulder, studying the notes he was making.

"Slow down there angel." Weird nickname. Castiel looked up and slowed his trembling hand.

"I-I'm writing down all the herb names you guys haven't found that are plentiful around here and what they do, harmful or helpful, all that stuff. I'll draw the pictures of them and write some herb formulas that you can use them for. I need to make up for the time I've been here and haven't done anything."

He turned towards Lisa and Ben, who were organizing a first aid kit.

"Lisa and Ben, if you guys want to help me organize each into a file that would be great, it'll make the process faster and Ben can even write the names on the manila files. It's always good to have an organized work station, especially when we work in the field we do. I'll tell you which files to put in the emergency section."

The 'angel' was already starting to feel better. He's sure he'd get over this in a few days. Though the edge of his mind is still stuck on Samandriel.

He honestly had no idea what Michael was going to do and why exactly Dean sent him back.

Oh well.

As Dean walked away, he was stewing in his head. The main thought that ran through his head was the fact that he kept hurting Castiel. Why couldn't he just be fucking honest? Was it really that hard? He would lead such an easier life if he was actually honest with himself.

Kicking the ground he went straight to Charlie.

She would understand, he could be honest with her for some reason.

Knocking lightly, he opened the door, seeing the bright red hair sprawled out on the floor. For a moment Dean panicked that she was hurt, but then saw her roll around with a groan.

"Charlie?" The red blob sat up quickly, searching for the distressed voice. When her eyes met with Dean they immediately softened as she patted the ground next to her. She had her blankets strewn out everywhere.

"Where is everyone?" Charlie shrugged as she plopped backwards again onto the floor.

"Dunne. Probably working in first aid, Cas has everyone's attention it seems." Dean winced slightly as his name and Charlie just nodded.

"Shit going' down between you two?" Dean just let out a sigh, which confirmed her suspicions.

"Charlie I don't know what to do. I can't deny these feelings for him, but I just can't act on them. I can't put him through the Dean Winchester trial of emotions. I'm fucked up. I've fucked so many people up, even him. I've hurt him so god damn much that I don't know what to do other than keep pushing him away. He probably hates me, but I just can't seem to let him go either."

Charlie's mouth was in a 'grumpy cat frown' as she would put it. It's when she was seriously displeased with Dean.

"Dumbass." She pulled Dean down so he was lying next to her. See could see the stress emanating from him. She faced him as she gently traced her hand across his forehead, trying to rid the creases there.

"Dean you can't keep beating yourself up for Lisa and Ben. Yes, it was fucked and sucked big balls, but you can't let it lead your life. You have to open yourself up more, and I really doubt Cas is going to get over you soon. You're a hunk dude. You shouldn't think too much about that shit. Just go with your feelings. It's better in the long run, because even if it doesn't work, then you can say you tried and you got the memories of it. Now can we be done with this sappy shit and do something fun?"

A smile now replaced the frown that was on Dean's face. He honestly felt like crying. Thank the fucking nerd God's for Charlie. Seriously. No one could help him like she did. Sitting up, he helped her up.

Now he had to sort through the emotional baggage inside of him and reach the point where he can tell Castiel about his true feelings.

He needed to talk to Lisa.

A/N: Hey guys! I got this one up faster than the last! The nexy chapter will possibly be the last chapter, but I might split it into two since I have so much to get through! Thanks for sticking with me and I hope you read till the end! Also I'm sorry if this one turned out a bit choppy! R&R it really helps!