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Warning, this story includes: Boys Love, Foul language, attempted/mention of suicide, depression, self harm, and feels.

Remember to R&R~

Chapter 3: His Smile

Kazuya could remember the first time he had started cutting.

He was a freshman at Seido and his roommates weren't the nicest of people in the world, often berating him and ordering him around like he was their slave.

His father had decided to drop in unexpectedly at one of their games to see his son play. His father wasn't a fan of baseball, but came anyways because he had some spare time on his hands and wanted to see his son play.

Even though they lost, everyone was still in high spirits. They had tried their hardest, but it just wasn't good enough.

His father had been watching from the stands, overhearing a group of people gossiping amongst themselves.

"Seido has some pretty cute guys, don't you think?"

"True, true, but most of them are taken."

"Really!?"

"I've heard that most of them aren't attracted to women."

That's all his father had to hear before he left the stands to go have a strong discussion with his son.

Kazuya had been hanging out with a group of friends, chatting about the game, when his father approached him. His friends had taken this as a hint to make their departure from the the catcher, leaving him standing there, Kazuya was terrified at being alone with his father.

"Kazuya, we have to talk." His father hissed, making the catcher petrified. He had never seen his father act so aggressive before.

"What about, dad?"

"I'm not so sure that I approve of you being at Seido."

Kazuya raised a brow, unsure of what his father was getting at. His father had never once cared about him choosing a high school, so why was he bringing it up now? "Why not?"

His father was never one to suger-coat things. "About your teammates."

There was something quite off with the way he'd said that, almost as if he were talking about a disease."What about them?"

He wasn't sure that he was emotionally, or physically, prepared for what his father was about to say to him.

"How many of them are gay?" Revulsion lingering in his tone as he'd said those words.

Kazuya was taken aback, nearly falling over in shock of the question asked. What exactly was his father getting at? "Um...most of them..."

Something was burning deep inside of his father; a hateful feeling towards the Seido baseball team. His father's face was crinkled up in disgust and his brows furrowed as he took a step towards Kazuya. "Is your delinquent of a best friend gay, Kazuya?"

Kazuya could only nod, hoping that his father would just drop the subject already. He was feeling uncomfortable enough as it was, knowing what his father was going to ask him next. "Yes, sir..."

His father snapped; grabbing his arm and squeezing it tightly, he bellowed out,"Are you gay, Kazuya!?"

The catcher felt the tears well up in the corners of his eyes, threatening to fall at any given second and spill his secret.

"No." It was a lie, but what else could he have done?

The grip on his arm lessened; his father seemed content with his lie. "Good. No son of mine will be gay, do you understand, Kazuya? I also don't want you hang out with ANY of the baseball team members; they may influence you to become gay."

During a trip to the bathroom to wash his tear streaked face off, something caught his attention...there was a razor sitting on the sink top just waiting to be picked up.

Kazuya carefully lifted the razor up in his hand and rolled the left sleeve on his jersey back so that his bare arm was exposed.

""No son of mine will be gay"...huh? I guess I'm not your son then..."

With a simple motion, he brought it to his wrist and that was how it began...

Cutting was the coping mechanism he used when dealing with a problem or stressful situation.

It turned from just a small habit into an addiction.

Eijun noticed that Kazuya was just staring off into oblivion, unaware of being in the cafeteria. "Miyuki?" Eijun asked, looking over at the catcher who was sitting next to him, ignoring his meal as he seemed to be lost in deep thoughts. Eijun pushed his chair back out a bit to see just what Kazuya was doing with his hands under the table.

Eijun noticed how the catcher was scratching at his left wrist, probably unaware that he was doing anything. Eijun scowled and grabbed ahold of the catchers hand, knowing full well what Kazuya was doing to himself.

Kazuya instantly snapped back into reality when he felt his own hand being firmly grasped by a smaller, rougher one. Eijun was giving him a disapproving look as he held onto his wrist. "Don't do that." He whispered sternly, as if he were a mother scolding her child for something they'd done wrong.

Eijun held onto Kazuya's hand to refrain him from aggravating his wounds any further. Kazuya's fingers were red and sticky with the fresh blood he had drawn from his now freshly opened wounds.

Kazuya lowered his gaze away from the pitchers stern look to stare down at the bleeding wounds. "I'm sorry, Eijun..." Eijun shook his head, grabbing a napkin off of the table and pls img it down on the catchers wrist.

"Don't be. It's not your fault."

In the boys bathroom, Eijun was busy helping Kazuya clean and address the scars that he'd reopened on his left wrist. Kazuya sat on the sink watching as Eijun gently cleaned the wounds with peroxide. "You don't have to do this, Eijun..." He mumbled, causing the brunet who was cleaning the wounds to scowl in frustration."You say that one more time and I'll tell boss that you are hurt and that you shouldn't be allowed to practice!"

Kazuya chuckled a bit, causing the pitcher's scowl to widen as he finished up with the bandaging. "There, it's all done." Kazuya bite down his lower lip, unsure of if he wanted to show the pitcher that he wasn't quite finished yet.

"Miyuki, what are you hiding from me now?" The pitcher demanded, ready to go to coach Kataoka at any given second to rant the catcher out.

Kazuya groaned in defeat, pulling off his shirt and setting it aside. The sight of the catchers well toned, muscular body took Eijun off guard a bit.

'Stop looking at his body Eijun, and start focusing on addressing those wounds.' His mind reprimanded him, making the pitcher scowl a bit in frustration.

As Eijun cleaned and bandaged some of the wounds on the catcher's left arm, he decided to make a bit of small talk with Kazuya. Maybe he could get a backstory on how this all began. "So Miyuki, when did this become a habit?"

Kazuya looked at him nervously as he tried to recall when exactly it had started. "Um...roughly around last year...a month or two before we met each other. It's not exactly a habit; it's more of an addiction..."

"Why do you do this to yourself?"

Kazuya averted his eyes. "It helps me cope with problems relating to my dad, baseball, and other stuff I feel like I have no control over."

"Can't you find other coping mechanisms?"

Kazuya shook his head defeatedly. "I've tried, but none of them seemed to work."

Eijun finished up with the bandaging on the catchers right arm, he handed Kazuya his shirt back. "You should wear short sleeves." Kazuya stared at him like he'd lost his mind. What would he say if people asked about the bandages and scars? "Are you crazy!? What will people think-"

"They won't care. Even if they do, it's not their place to judge you."

It was another scorcher outside...and Eijun was stuck out in it. Kazuya had promised to catch for him this afternoon and yet he was nowhere to be seen.

The pitcher scowled as he whipped the sweat from off of his brow. He was getting ridiculously hot standing around in the sun. "Where the hell is that stupid four eyed bastard at? He better have a good reason for making me wait out in this heat." He mumbled, waiting for the catcher to come out onto the field.

Women finally caught site of the catcher walking with Kuramochi towards the field. To his surprise, Kazuya was wearing short sleeves, bandages in full view. After departing from the shortstop, Kazuya made his way over towards the pitcher with a smirk on his face. "Eijun, guess what?" The pitcher glared at him and turned his head to face away from the catcher. "Don't wanna know."

Kazuya laughed, wrapping an arm around the pitcher's shoulders as he looked off in the direction the shortstop had gone off too. "Youichi says that when you return back to your old room, you're going to be his sparring buddy for the next month or two because of you saying that he had a bad case of gas."

Eijun regretted ever have saying those words to the catcher as he squirmed in Kazuya's hold, trying to break free from him. Eijun just couldn't understand why Kazuya was only affectionate towards him and not anyone else. "Let go of me!"

"And what if I say no?" That damn smirk was going to be the end of him.

Eijun gave up on trying to break free, knowing full well that it was hopeless; Kazuya had an extremely tight hold around him. "Stupid four eyed catcher..." He mumbled underneath his breath, causing said catcher to laugh obnoxiously.

Eijun's golden eyes traced the catchers muscular arms slightly, wondering why Kazuya had decided to put on his Seido t-shirt today instead of his dual usual long sleeved one. "What made you decide to wear short sleeves?"

"It's hot outside." Eijun wanted nothing more than to smack the grin off of the catchers face. He already knew that it was hot outside, he'd been standing out in it for at least three minutes waiting for the catcher to show up. "Of course it is, but why now of all days?"

"Hmm...just to see how people will react once they see that I'm not the "perfect catcher" I'm supposed to be."

The words may have been light to Kazuya, but they stung in Eijun's mind a little. There was no way in hell that he would ever be able to forget them. Kazuya was always assumed to be perfect every way imaginable, but Eijun knew that the catcher was completely far from it.

'When I first saw those pictures...what did I think about Miyuki?'

As he was practicing with Kazuya, the answer had started to become clearer with every pitch that he threw.

'Of course...I saw the real Miyuki...'

"Eijun, your four seamer is looking better today."

"Really!?"

"Yeah, just don't let it be good for today only though."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean!?"

"It means, don't pitch well one day and then pitch terrible the next!"

That seemed to fire the pitcher up with determination. Eijun grinned widely, eyes shining with excitement as he pointed the ball in his hands towards the catcher. "You better be prepared, because I'm going to improve my pitching and become the ace before you know it!"

Kazuya smirked at the statement; the old Eijun seemed to be back. "Whatever you say, Eijun. But remember, you still have competition with Furuya being on the team."

"Then I'll have to work even harder to surpass Furuya!" Eijun declared boldly, causing his teammates to mutter about how ridiculously loud he was being.

After practice ended, Kataoka had called Eijun to his office to discuss how things were coming along between him and Kazuya. He'd heard about their little incident in the bullpen and was starting to question whether or not Eijun was actually helping the catcher with his problem.

"How have you two been doing?" He asked, patiently awaiting an answer as the pitcher say dis in the chair It was rough at first, but I think Miyuki is starting to trust me more. He's told me that the reason he hurts himself is to cope with his problems."

Kataoka seemed to take note this,"What might those problems be?" Eijun thought back to when he had been patching the catcher up in the bathroom. "His dad, baseball, school, life..." He could go on all day with the list, but Kataoka stopped him, obviously having gotten the point. "Miyuki needs a change in atmosphere." Eijun raised a brow, unsure of what Kataoka meant by that. "What do you mean by that, boss?"

"Don't call me boss, Sawamura. It's not only Miyuki who needs a change in atmosphere; the whole team needs some time away from baseball."

What was Kataoka planning that could take their minds away from baseball?

"A trip, maybe?" Kazuya suggested as he sat on his bed doing the remainder of his homework. Eijun had only told him part of what had happened in Kataoka's office, so he could only imagine what it was the coach was actually planning. Eijun shrugged his shoulders, unsure of what to believe anymore. "Seems like it. He told me that the whole team needs time away from baseball. What the hell does that even mean anyways?" He pondered as he tried to work out a math problem. Math had never his strongest subject in school; he was still struggling over fractions.

"You're pretty slow on news, but coach has been receiving complaints about some of our test grades. We practice until late, so we have to find time to study on our own time. I guess that it's affecting the third years the most."

Eijun, who had been erasing the work he'd just done wrong, only heard half of what the catcher had said, and merely nodded to let Kazuya know that he was semi-listening to him.

Kazuya turned his head over towards Eijun to find the pitcher staring at a homework problem intensely. "Do you want any help? I'm pretty good at math." Eijun felt his face heat up, mortified that Kazuya had just seen him struggling over a basic math problem. It's fine, I got it."

Kazuya stood up from his bed and stretched his arms over his head as he walked over towards Eijun's bunk. "What are you stuck on? I'll help you through it." Eijun shyly pointed at the problem he'd been working on for the past fifteen minutes, hoping Kazuya wouldn't tease him over it. "Ah, that one's easy. You plug the four in for x into the original equation and then you solve it."

As Kazuya helped the pitcher through his homework, he felt an odd feeling in his chest start to grow. Being with a clingy Eijun was rather difficult at first, but it was starting to grow on him more as they spent more time together. Kazuya was enjoying Eijun's company to say the least.

"Miyuki?" Eijun called out, wondering if the catcher had dozed off due to the silence that had grown around them. "Ah, sorry. I was just thinking. What do you need help with?" Eijun handed him the sheet, eyes shining with confidence. "Can you check over this?" As Kazuya reviewed Eijun's work, he noticed that Eijun was smarter then he seemed. If given a bit of a push, the pitcher could finish his work easily.

"It looks good to me." Eijun beamed at the praise; his confidence rising as he took his paper back from the catcher. "Miyuki...what were you thinking so hard about?"

Eijun was also brighter then he appeared to be as well. There was no way Kazuya could admit to Eijun that he'd been thinking about him. "Hmm...if I tell you, then you'll just get mad." Eijun raised a brow, suspicion rising as he leaned in closer towards the catchers face. "You better not have been thinking about-"

Kazuya interrupted him with,"Relax, relax, of course not. I was just thinking about what the coach has planned, that's all." He knew what Eijun would have said, and he knew that the pitcher cared - even if he didn't show it half the time.

Eijun bought that lie.

"So...what do you think boss has to say to us?"

"I dunno, Eijun. I guess that we'll find out in the morning though." Kazuya said as he got off of Eijun's bed, ruffling the pitchers brown locks before making his way over towards his own bed across from the pitchers.

"Goodnight, Eijun~"

Eijun mumbled his goodnight as he turned off the light, drifting off to sleep instantly.

Kataoka stood in front of the baseball team with an announcement to make. He wasn't looking too pleased with them. Something had definitely pissed him off. "As you all know, baseball is something that each and every one of you is extremely passionate about, however..." His piercing gaze focused directly on the third years. "I've only seen five perfect scores on some of your exams."

The tension amongst the third years was so thick that it could almost be cut with a knife. Kataoka wasn't happy with them; they knew personally that if Kataoka wasn't pleased with them, they had better shape up or risk getting demoted or kicked off the team. "I have booked us a place at a local inn for an entire week. There will be four of you to a room, so it will be a good time for you all to relax and catch up on your studies without any distractions."

Murmurs arose from the crowd about it. A whole week without baseball? Was the coach insane? What type of inn were they even going to be staying in? Would they be able to choose their roommates?

"We leave tomorrow morning at six, so be ready on time."

The sound of,"Yes, sir!" echoed in unison throughout the field.

Kataoka dismissed them and the amount of chatter grew around them"I can't believe coach is actually permitting this." Kazuya remarked in astonishment as he and Eijun headed back to the dorms to pack their stuff.

"I guess even boss needs a bit of a break himself."

As the dorm building came into view, Eijun pondered aloud, looking over at the catcher walking alongside him on the wide path. "Who do you want to share a room with besides me?"

He'd received a shrug from the catcher. Kazuya didn't care who he shared with, just as long as Eijun was going to be there. "Anyone's fine, really."

'That's a lie and you know it, Miyuki. You just don't want anyone else besides me to know about your problem.'

Eijun had nearly forgotten that he'd left most of his personal belongings in the room he shared with Kuramochi and Masuko. His bags weren't even close to being ready for a week. Eijun groaned loudly in frustration. How could he have been stupid enough to bring only a few pairs of clothes and simple toiletries when he'd first moved in with the catcher?

Kazuya, who had been watching he pitcher antagonize, snickered lightly to himself from his bed. "What's wrong, Eijun? Forget something?"

Eijun scowled as he packed the remainder of his clothes. "I forgot to bring the rest of my stuff with me when I moved in..." Kazuya could barely hold back his laughter as he watched Eijun's face turn slightly red with embarrassment and anger. "You had better go and get them then."

As Eijun trudged miserably out of the room, Kazuya let out all the loud laughs that he'd been struggling to hold back. "Hahaha~ Man, is Eijun oblivious or what?"

Kuramochi had taken most of Eijun's stuff, believing that the pitcher was moving in with the catcher permanently, and dropped it off in a plastic bag the day that Eijun had first moved in with Kazuya. The catcher had simply thrown it up onto the bunk above the pitchers bed, figuring that Eijun would see it sooner or later.

"Sorry, Eijun~"

Eijun's body ached with every step he took, and it was all thanks to one the new wresting moves Kuramochi had tried out on him when he had gone to pick up the remainder of his stuff.

"Damn that stupid four eyed catcher! He tricked me into believing that my stuff was still in my old room. Just you wait until I get back, Miyuki! I'm swear, I'm going to give you a piece of my mind!"

As he grumbled to himself, he hadn't noticed Haruichi coming out of his room until they had crashed headfirst into each other.

"Ow, god damn it!" The pitcher cried out, rubbing his sore forehead as his pink haired friend rubbed his own, tears welling up in his eyes that were hidden behind his long, pink bangs. "Ow...Eijun-kun, that really hurt."

"Sorry, Harucchi. I was just thinking about ways to get back at that stupid catcher for what he did to me." Haruichi seemed surprised by the choice of words, but soon found himself giggling softly. "Eijun-kun, how are things going with Miyuki-senpai?"

Eijun growled, eyes turning dark with rage. "They were going fine until he pulled this shit on me!" Haruichi tried to imagine what could have made Eijun so aggravated. An epiphany overcame him; Ryousuke had told him that he'd heard from Kuramochi that Eijun and Miyuki were rooming together for awhile.

"Eijun-kun, are you and Miyuki-senpai-" Eijun had cut him off, not having heard what Haruichi had been trying to say. "I'm going to get back at him for this!"

Eijun took off hastily towards the room that he shared with the catcher, leaving a flabbergasted Haruichi standing there rooted to his spot gaping.

"So it is true! Eijun-kun and Miyuki-senpai really are dating! Satoru-kun owes me a new game now."

Eijun had nearly forgotten to open the door when he took in a deep breath, ready to yell at the catcher as soon as he walked in. To his disbelief, the catcher was nowhere in sight, though his bags were still sitting out on his bed wide open. "Where the fuck did you go this time? Boss is going to kill me..."

Eijun wasn't one to snoop around in another persons business, but this was Kazuya...depressed, secretive Kazuya who harmed himself.

'He never actually told me what he uses to cut himself...but I guess it should be in one of his bags...' Eijun locked the door behind him to make sure that the catcher wouldn't walk in at any given moment and catch him in the act of going through his stuff. There was no way he would be able to explain why he was even going through the catchers stuff.

Sitting down on the bunk, Eijun pushed articles of clothing around in the bag to see if he could find anything. To his luck, he had found absolutely nothing of interest. As he was about to give up, he noticed a small, silvery object at the very bottom of the bag. Pushing more clothes out of the way, he grabbed ahold of the object and pulled it out carefully.

Eijun examined the object in his hand closely, noting that it was some type of blade; it had a bit of faded blood on it, no doubt being Kazuya's. It struck him like lightening; it was the blade from the little, red handheld pencil sharpener Kazuya had told him was broken.

'It wasn't broken...you just took the blade out of it...' His mind was swarming with different kinds of thoughts, but he had to continue on with the investigation. This couldn't be it; something so little couldn't make such deep gashes on the catchers skin.

Eijun believed that it would be faster to just simply dump out the contents of both bags onto Kazuya's bed. As he searched through the two piles, he noticed that there was a box of bandages mixed in with the catchers toiletries.

"You won't be needing these..." He mumbled, tossing them off the bed and onto the floor somewhere. The one thing he dreaded the most was the razor; Eijun wasn't certain whether he should take it or leave it.

'Miyuki doesn't really have any facial hair...except for those sideburns...so what do I do with this? I don't want him to use this to hurt himself, but...'

Eijun stared at the razor in his hands cautiously, uncertain about what he should do with it. He sat it aside for now, throwing all of the catchers clothes and toiletries back into their respected bags.

While he was deciding on what he should do with the razor, the door knob turned three times. Kazuya was back. Eijun froze in his spot, eyes never leaving the door. The sound of the door unlocking was enough to snap him out of his daze. Eijun did the only thing he could do with the razor in his hand, putting it in one of the side pockets of his sweatpants and out of Kazuya's sight.

The door finally opened and in walked the catcher. "Hello, Eijun~" Kazuya greeted him cheerfully. Eijun forced a smile on his face as he "Hello to you too, Miyuki."

"Ready for the trip tomorrow?" Eijun nodded ecstatically, grinning his bright "Of course!" The catcher chuckled at the pitchers enthusiasm,"You'll be sitting next to me on the bus~" Eijun's eyes widened, horrified by what he'd just been told,"Why you!?"

"Coach's orders. He made a seating chart and it seems that we're in front of Youichi and Ryou-san, while Furuya and Kominato are sitting right behind them."

The bus rude probably wouldn't end very well...

"Are you all packed?" Eijun had an epiphany as he'd heard those words; suddenly remembering what he had herb meaning to say. "Miyuki, you asshole! You set me up back there didn't you!?"

The catcher was doubled over on his bed, clutching his sides, laughing so hard that tears had started streaming down his face. "Hahaha, my sides. You totally fell for it as well! I had your stuff hidden on the bunk above yours, but you didn't even bother to look."

Eijun felt his face heat up in embarrassment from the catchers answer. As he climbed up the wooden ladder to reach his stuff in the top bunk, he could practically feel the catchers eyes on him. "Quit staring at me, you're making me uncomfortable!"

Kazuya feigned ignorance. "I wasn't staring at you, honestly." Eijun rolled his eyes at the catcher's answer as he climbed down from the ladder, pulling his baggy shirt to cover more of his body. "Don't act like you weren't. All four of your eyes were glued to me!" Kazuya smirked a bit, tilting his head to the side as if he were trying to get s better view. "Your ass was directly in my field of vision, what else was I supposed to look at?"

Eijun felt his entire face heat up, mortified about what the catcher must have been thinking as he climbed up the ladder. Of all things Kazuya had to look at in the room, he just had to look at his ass? "You could've looked elsewhere!" Kazuya laughed; he was finding it to be rather fun to tease Eijun. "I didn't want to look elsewhere."

Eijun didn't have to look in a mirror to know that his face was probably as pink as Haruichi's hair. Kazuya knew the right buttons to push to embarrass him and was having way too much pleasure in doing so. "I hate you."

"Hahaha, I love you too, Bakamura."

Eijun, startled by Kazuya's choice of words, threw a pillow at the catchers face embarrassedly. "Shut up!" How much longer did he have to stay here?

Kazuya grinned, hitting the pitcher back with the pillow that he'd just had thrown at his face. Kazuya couldn't remember the last time that he'd ever had so much fun doing something so childish, but this was to be expected since it was Eijun who had started it after all.

"This is fun, Eijun! We should do this every night." Kazuya laughed, looking to be enjoying himself as the two whacked each other with the bed pillows.

"Hell no!"

As much as he hated to admit, Kazuya looked almost breathtaking when he was smiling happily.

Eijun wanted to see this side of the catcher more often.

And that concludes chapter 3~ ^3^