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Chapter 2

Knockout and Rise (Part 2)

For many years Kate had not been a good sleeper but tonight it seemed so much worse. Her mind just wouldn't let go of the memories.

That's what happens when you begin a story but stop halfway through, I guess, she thought to herself.

After tossing and turning for a few more minutes, she decided that the only way she would be fit to return to work the following day would be if she completed the diary. It was a warm night so she didn't bother putting on her robe, but chose, instead, to pad into the living room in her t-shirt & shorts. She recovered the notebook from the drawer, curled up on the sofa and began to write again.

I spent about a month in hospital. Dad visited every day. Josh would turn up several times a day even though I asked him not to; I really couldn't deal with him. Other than that, no-one. Of course, my friends from the precinct, Ryan, Esposito and Lanie all wanted to come but, although I spoke to Lanie a time or two on the phone, I pushed them all away. This was not proving to be my finest hour, I can see that now, but at the time, it seemed so obviously the right thing to do. Dad tried to change my mind but, not for the first time in my life, I was being stubborn. He said how much I reminded him of my mom when I was being like that which did at least make me smile; she could be really stubborn at times. I remember when I was in my final year at high school, trying to decide what I was going to do with my life and I got the idea that travelling the country by motorbike was the height of my ambition; she really lost it with me then; I don't think we spoke for a week. Poor dad didn't know where to put himself until, eventually, he locked us both in the kitchen and told us to come out when we'd sorted our differences and not before! Once we actually started talking it through, it didn't take us long to come to our senses. Dad didn't even need to spend one night in the hotel room he'd reserved for a week, just in case!

The day before I left hospital, I finally had it out with Josh. He'd appeared at my bedside, yet again but now I was feeling a little stronger, I decided enough was enough.

"Why are you here, Josh?" I asked, trying to keep my voice down and my temper in check.

He seemed genuinely puzzled by the question.

"What do you mean, Kate? Where else would I be on my break? You're my girlfriend; you're in hospital; I work here; why wouldn't I come to visit every chance I get?"

"Maybe because I've asked you not to?" I replied, not looking him in the eye but becoming rather irritated.

"What's all this about, Kate?"

"I've told you not to come but what do you do? You just keep coming. Sitting there day after day, trying to get me to talk about everything I'm trying to get distance from. When I want to talk about it, Josh, I will, but not until I'm ready."

I could tell that he was beginning to lose his temper now, too,

"You may not want to talk about it. Kate, but you need to talk about it; about everything that's happened to you. The more you bottle it up, the harder it's going to be to recover from this. You need to talk and I'm here. You don't want to bother your dad with it, so I'm all you've got left. Your friends don't come. That partner of yours doesn't even show. I would have thought we'd have to prise him from your bedside but no. Anyway, it's just as well he doesn't show his face as this is his fault."

"What do you mean by that?"

"If he hadn't put his nose where it didn't belong and started looking into your mother's murder, re-opening old wounds, you wouldn't be lying here now!"

He almost spat these last words at me and I could see just how much he resented Castle's presence in my life.

"Enough, Josh!" I yelled at him, "That's enough! This," I said, pointing to the bullet wound in my chest," Is not Castle's fault and my friends have stayed away because I asked them to. Castle's stayed away because I asked him to. They've all respected my wishes. The only person who doesn't seem to think enough of me to respect them is you, Josh. You!"

"But, Kate, I..."

I didn't give him chance to make any excuses,

"Go away, Josh! Whatever we had, it's over. You were never there when I needed you, always off on your Doctors Without Borders missions and now, when I don't want you here, where are you? Right here every day. We're done, Josh. Please leave."

He gazed at me for a moment then turned away, heading for the door. Just before he left the room, he looked back at me and I could see the pain in his eyes,

"I'm sorry, Kate."

Looking back on it now, recalling it all, writing it down, god, I was such a bitch! Josh didn't deserve any of that. I liked him, I really did. Okay, he was away a lot and worked long hours but relationships work both ways and I guess I wasn't there for him on many occasions, either. My hours aren't exactly regular. I think I really lost it with him when he started on Castle, a man who had done absolutely nothing wrong except, perhaps, fall in love with me. I'm damaged goods and just don't deserve the love of such a good man. Although Josh deserved better than my somewhat callous breakup speech, I do know that I'm better off without him and I'm certain he's better off without me so I suppose the end justifies the means? No, it doesn't. That's bull, Kate!

After I left hospital, I got my dad to take me up to his cabin. It was a place I'd always loved and it held so many happy memories from my childhood. Dad likes to go up there for some peace and quiet, to get away from the city but I hadn't been there for quite a while, always too busy. Anyway, now I had time on my hands, it seemed just the place to be. Dad made sure I had all I needed and then left me there, promising to return every few days with fresh supplies. I had to return to the city for the occasional check-up at the hospital and appointments with my new physical therapist but for the most part, it was just me and the crickets.

What did I do with my time? What do you think I did? I read. What did I read? I ask again, what do you think I read? Every one of Castle's books, of course; right through the Derrick Storm series and then onto Nikki Heat. His books had saved my sanity once before and they managed it again. The fantasy world of the Storm books, good triumphing over evil every time, always made me feel more positive, more confident about the future. The Nikki Heat books, on the other hand, were more personal; the dedications, the acknowledgements, the characters, the events all so recognisable, so real. Then of course there was Heat and Rook, the infamous page 105. Was that really a writer using his imagination or was it more a case of a man living out his fantasy in the pages of a book? If the latter was true, I could appreciate it because I confess to having the same fantasy on more than one occasion. Heat and Rook, Beckett and Castle, the images have a tendency to mingle in my dreams! I may not have spoken to Castle for three months, but there was never a day went by during that time when he wasn't there, front and centre in my thoughts.

Eventually, after two months, I returned to my apartment in the city and here I am, fully fit (well, near enough to keep NYPD happy!), passed my psych. evaluation and ready to return to work tomorrow.

Kate checked the time, two twenty, locked the notebook away again and returned to her bed. She figured she had time for enough sleep before work. She didn't need much, functioned as well with or without it. This time she drifted off as soon as her head hit the pillow and for the first time in a very long time, the nightmares stayed away.