Here's the second chapter for the day. Hope you're all continuing to enjoy it.

Disclaimer: As ever, I do not own Castle.

Chapter 4

Knockout and Rise (Part 4)

The following day, Kate was at the precinct all morning, finishing off the paperwork for the Sonya Gilbert case but by lunchtime that was all done. As there were no new cases at the moment, Captain Gates told her to go home and spend the afternoon relaxing rather than sitting at her desk, waiting for the next body to drop; she had, after all, only just returned from three months sick leave. Although rather surprised by Gates' generosity, Kate jumped at the opportunity whilst promising to stay available if needed. As today was a paperwork day, needless to say, Castle was nowhere to be seen and, as she'd found herself staring at his empty chair one too many times, she felt home was definitely where she wanted to be.

After a quick lunch, Kate decided to carry on with the diary. She removed it from the drawer and read through the words she'd penned so far. She found it difficult to believe just how honest she'd been; it really wasn't like her, but it was helping. Another thing she found hard to comprehend was just how much she'd already written,

"I guess being honest takes a lot of words," she thought to herself, as she wondered just how much longer it was going to take to explain the last few days.

"She'll take me back," and as soon as he said it, he pulled his phone out. I knew exactly what was coming next and inwardly cringed at the thought of Captain Gates' reaction.

"Castle, do you really think it's a good idea to call the mayor? Gates'll have a fit!"

He just gave me that Castle grin,

"Mayor Wheldon, please, it's Richard Castle," he said into his phone and then to me,

"Don't worry, Beckett, I know what I'm doing."

At times he can be just so cocky but, though I hate to admit it, I do rather like cocky Castle, not all the time, I hasten to add, but just occasionally!

When we got back to the 12th, we went straight to Captain Gates' office where she was in the middle of a phone call and it didn't take a genius to figure out who was on the other end. However, despite the Captain's obvious displeasure, it appeared Castle's ploy had, indeed, worked and, although threatened with prosecution to the fullest extent of the law if he screwed up, he was back on the team. I was so happy; it was hard not to grin. I think Gates saw my lips twitch because it was my turn to feel the wrath as she promised to bury me if either Castle, my pal, as she described him after a slight hesitation, unsure of his standing, I suppose, or I embarrassed her again. I was quite happy to take it, though; I'd got my partner back. Now all I needed was my gun and I took great delight in presenting the results of my recent requalification; quite impressive results, if I do say so myself!

Ryan brought us up to date with Sonya Gilbert's case; a case of love gone wrong, it appeared. I cringed when told about Dale Landers, Sonya's boyfriend and only suspect in her murder.

"He was in love, she wanted out," Ryan said.

To me, that was a little too close for comfort. I know Castle wants in but what do I want? I certainly don't want out but can I, for one second, even contemplate the possibility of wanting in? Not at the moment, no. But in the future, if I can move on, tear down that wall, heal, yes, I think could very well want in. Wow, did I really just think that? I guess I must have done as it's there in black and white. A future relationship with Castle; why does my heart beat a little faster at that thought? God, I need a drink! Damn it, I'm on call. Come on, Kate, get back on track. Stop writing random thoughts.

Espo had pulled the file on the warehouse fire to discover it had occurred only three weeks after my mom's murder. That was not a coincidence, it couldn't be. The fire was declared to be accidental but, come off it, three weeks later. Accident, my ass! Unfortunately, before I could go to talk to Rod Halstead, the lead investigator, we were sent to pick up Landers, who'd been spotted going into his band's rehearsal room. That's when things began to go pear-shaped for me.

I couldn't believe it when we got to the building and Espo wanted to know if I was ready like I was a rookie on my first take-down. Having accepted my response, he still insisted that he and Ryan took point. I was still put out, but didn't have much choice in the matter, really. As it turned out, he was right to be concerned. We'd announced ourselves and charged into the room when I spotted Landers heading out the back. Ryan and Esposito were busy securing the scene so I ran after him. He tried to get out the back door but it must have been locked or jammed or something because the next thing I knew, I was staring down the barrel of a revolver. I started to raise my gun but froze. There's no other word for it, I, Kate Beckett, experienced NYPD homicide detective, froze. All I could see was the gun. The fact that Dale was terrified, his hand shaking even more than mine was, never registered. I must have looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights of a truck. Fortunately for me, as soon as Ryan and Esposito appeared and yelled for him to stand down, he put the gun down and hit the deck with no resistance whatsoever. I hoped to God no-one had seen my reaction. Everything that happened in the cemetery seemed to flash before my eyes. My chest burned. I was gasping for every breath. I managed to drag myself back to the present but my hands were shaking so much I really struggled to put my gun back in the holster. What the hell had just happened? I was supposed to be okay. Well, I'd had my doubts, hadn't I and I'd just proved myself to be right.

When we got back to the precinct any hope I had that no-one had noticed my performance was shot to pieces because, of course, Castle had noticed. Why should I be surprised? He always has noticed every little detail, especially where I was concerned. Many times, it's sweet but there in the observation room, I was just plain embarrassed. I tried to cover it up with bravado, only second day back, won't happen again and all that crap but I don't suppose for a minute that he didn't see right through my act. He can read me like a book.

Castle and I went to see Rod Halstead from there. I was so sure he could give me the information I needed. He was very helpful at the beginning of the interview, remembered the case, was sure it was an accident; no, the report hadn't been altered. But I was sure he was lying, he had to be lying; I still believe he was lying and I, right there and then, in his own station house, accused him of being a part of the cover-up. Basically, I lost it. Castle had to virtually drag my ass out of there. No, I'm definitely not okay! But I'm nothing, if not persistent. I called Esposito and had him pull everything he could on Halstead and send it to my place because I did not want Gates sticking her nose into this.

Castle came round to go over Halstead's file with me. He couldn't see anything to suggest the guy was dirty. He had no connections to anyone in the case. But he had to be dirty, otherwise it was just another dead end and I still had nothing to go on. With that thought, the slight thread of control I had just snapped. Castle looked at me with so much concern, so much love, but I was too far gone to acknowledge it. I did see it, though. Now I can acknowledge it, at least, here, to myself. I've pushed him away, hidden from him for three months but he still cares. God, what have I ever done to deserve him, nothing, and yet there he is.

Needless to say I didn't sleep much that night, when do I ever, but although I kept going over and over everything in my head, I still had nothing. Next day Castle brought my coffee as usual but I could tell from the look on his face that he wasn't going to let my outburst the previous evening go without comment. I tried to brush him off with my 'go to' catchphrase of "I'm fine," but he wasn't buying it. Can't say I blame him. He wants me to back off until I've got my bearings again but I don't know how to do that. He says I shouldn't let those who want me dead rob me of my life, but what is my life if I don't do this, if I don't try to find this justice I've been searching for all these years? He says we'll find them and make them pay, just not today. I took note of the fact that he said we, of the heartfelt sincerity with which he laced every word of what I suspect was a carefully rehearsed speech and of the look in his eyes, those gorgeous eyes (oh, God, I'm off again!). Maybe he's right, maybe I should back off for a while, concentrate on bringing justice and peace to families like Sonya Gilbert's.

I started to look at the Gilbert case again, with rather more enthusiasm this time and it wasn't too long before we were able to figure that the killer was in fact Dale's band mate, Mitch Yancey. We headed back to the band's rehearsal room. Ryan and Esposito went to search the premises leaving Castle and I in the main room. Castle, full of his usual concern for my well-being, checked if I was okay but, just as I was replying in the affirmative, Yancey appeared behind me, yelling for me to put my gun down. I turned and there I was again, face to face with a weapon, a shotgun this time, in the hands of another terrified individual. This time, though, I had managed to raise my gun and at least look like a cop in control. He was still yelling and wanting me just to let him go. I was struggling to maintain my outward composure but managed to stutteringly shout for him not to move. Yancey was still talking and I was trying so hard to maintain a semblance of authority when I heard Castle's voice behind me, so quiet, so composed,

"Take it easy, Kate. Take it easy. You've got this."

The still small voice of calm.

"You've got this."

And just like that, Detective Kate Beckett was back. I was calm and allowed my training to replace my fear. As soon as I'd managed that, the situation was back firmly in my hands. I talked Mitch down, his weapon was on the ground and I was cuffing him, while reading him his rights. I think I may just have let out a sigh of relief; I certainly felt like doing, anyway. I may not be back to my normal self yet but at least I think I can do my job. I hope I can because if not what the hell use am I?

As we wrapped the case up back at the precinct, Castle asked me how I was feeling and for once I answered him honestly,

"It's not enough. But it's enough for now."

He seemed satisfied with that.

"Thank you," I continued, "For having my back in there."

He smiled, gave a little shrug and replied,

"That's what partners are for."

I don't quite know what to think about that. I suppose I expected him to give his normal response, always; the word that seemed to carry a lot of weight between us; seemed to say so much more. But he didn't. Actually, it hurts a little and makes me wonder if maybe I've done too much damage to our relationship. Maybe he doesn't care for me now. Maybe he doesn't love me anymore, if he ever really did. Maybe it was just because he thought I was dying in that cemetery.

Once the case was over, I went for another session with Dr. Burke and discovered that writing this diary has made a difference already because I told him the truth. I told him I remembered.

"That took a while," Kate said to herself but she somehow felt better for reliving the last couple of days. She looked at her dad's watch, that constant reminder of the life saved, as she called it, and was surprised to see that it was now well past dinnertime and she was actually feeling hungry. She decided to heat up some leftovers she had in the fridge and as she waited for the microwave to finish, she pondered the words she'd just been writing. What was she going to do about Castle? What did she want to do?

She loved him, she knew that but she also knew that there was no way she was ready to do anything with that knowledge yet but she certainly did not want to lose him, either. That was the problem now and if there was one thing Kate Beckett was good at, it was solving problems. She just had to put her mind to it that was all. The microwave pinged, telling her dinner was ready. She took the container out and, not bothering with a plate, took it over to the sofa, sat down and set about figuring out how to solve 'The Castle Problem'.