Thanks again for the reviews, your support is truly appreciated.

You will notice that I've missed an episode out! I'm afraid that I couldn't find enough Kate stuff in Heartbreak Hotel to justify a chapter of its own and because it falls between two awesome Beckett episodes, I couldn't add it to either of those. So I hope you'll forgive me if it's a favourite of yours!

I think these 2 chapters were probably the hardest to write. Well, come off it, just how amazing was Stana Katic's performance. She really brought out all the emotions and I have tried hard to put that into words.

Hope you're up to the ride!

Disclaimer: Very definitely do not belong to me.

Chapter 11

Killshot (Part 1)

Kate looked around her apartment. There was no evidence left now of the near total nervous breakdown she'd suffered just a few days earlier. The blinds were open, letting in the late afternoon sunshine; she'd cleared up the broken glass but the images of that night were still fresh in her mind. She'd just had her regular appointment with Dr. Burke and finally, finally she felt the possibility of light at the end of the dark tunnel that was her life.

Their last case had been so hard; it had awoken far too many of Kate's hidden emotions but after today's session she was ready to write in her diary again. She had doubted that she would ever feel able to record those few days but here she was, pen in hand, at least willing to try.

I'm not Richard Castle; I'm not a writer; words don't come easily to me so this may not turn out very well but it's not supposed to be a work of literature, just the honest thoughts of a woman trying to heal, trying to find a better place for the future away from the pain of the past. So here goes nothing.

We got the call to a shooting. A woman, Sarah Vasquez, had been gunned down in broad daylight, on a busy street, right in front of her best friend and no-one had seen or heard a thing. There she was, lying in the street with a bullet wound in her chest. I couldn't help but put my hand to my own chest, remembering the burning sensation but I'd been lucky, Sarah Vasquez hadn't. I tried to consider alternatives, a gun with a silencer maybe, but it seemed pretty obvious what had happened; we needed to know why it had happened and who had pulled the trigger so we had to start delving into Sarah's life.

Castle and I talked to her fiancé, Chris. They'd only been engaged for a month and they were looking forward to their wedding. The poor guy was devastated. He did mention that Sarah had talked about a man she thought had been following her but he couldn't remember any details.

Lanie had some information for us so we went to the morgue. It was clear that my original fears were correct but Lanie and Esposito were trying way too hard to avoid saying the words so I put them out of their misery. Sarah Vasquez was killed by a sniper. I knew they were only trying to spare my feelings but I had a job to do and I wasn't going to be able to do it properly if everyone was treading on eggshells around me. We had to look for someone with motive but Castle then put the question,

"What if there isn't one? What if she was shot at random? How do we find him then?"

Was he right? Could this be the D.C. shootings all over again only this time right here on our watch?

We had nothing more to go on for the time being so we called it a day to enable us to get some rest before what was likely to be a long and arduous case but when I got home the flashbacks started. I'd taken my top off and couldn't help but put my fingers to the long, surgical scar on my left side and the small, round, puckered mark between my breasts and, just like that, I was back in the cemetery; I heard the gunshot; I heard the shouts and screams; my chest was burning again.

The next morning we were called to another one; this time the victim was a 38 year old attorney, Henry Wyatt. As I approached the crime scene, I was aware of all the noise around me, it seemed louder than normal. Lanie gave me the information about the bullet and Espo confirmed that the shooter was becoming more confident but my mind was drifting. Suddenly, I felt as though I was in one of those movies where the heroes are trapped in a room with the walls and ceiling closing in to crush them only, instead of solid walls and ceiling, I was being crushed by sound, light and movement. I tried to focus on what Esposito was saying but the next thing I was aware of was my ass hitting the ground and Castle, Lanie and Esposito standing there, staring at me with concerned faces. I still don't know what happened, Castle called it a startle response but all I knew was that I'd completely lost control for a moment and that terrified me.

Back at the precinct, we had a briefing but I was in a world of my own. I couldn't focus on anything that was said. Castle, of course, noticed my lack of concentration. Well, he does seem to notice everything about me so he was hardly likely to miss that one. He tried to be supportive and I just snapped at him which was so unfair but, as I said, I was barely in control. Our exchange didn't go unnoticed but Gates continued by asking me about possible connections between the two victims. I answered as best I could but as soon as the attention was off me again, I found myself struggling to breathe and I knew I had to get out of there. Castle asked me where I was going and I gave him some vague response. I think Ryan may have spoken to me as well but I needed to go; I needed air; I needed to see Dr. Burke urgently.

I made it to Dr. Burke's office in record time and, after I'd created a scene in the reception area, he agreed to see me straight away. As it turned out, I needn't have caused a rumpus because he'd seen about the shooting on the news and was well aware that, if I was involved in the case, I would probably be along to see him.

The meeting didn't exactly go as I'd hoped. I knew something was wrong with me but I wanted him to simply give me something to make it go away, to enable me to get on with my job. He said I had PTSD. I denied it, of course. I couldn't have that. PTSD happened to other people, it didn't happen to me. I was stronger than that. I was wrong. I know that now. Then, though, I was not ready to accept the truth. He said I should consider stepping away from the case, that I wasn't the only cop in the city. He was right but I didn't see it that way, I saw it as a challenge to my ability as a cop. I told him that I was fine as if I thought I could sort myself out by sheer willpower alone. I thanked him and walked out. I should have listened to him.

My bravado in front of Dr. Burke had evaporated by the time I returned to the precinct. Standing in the elevator, I was struggling to breathe properly again and my hands were shaking. I was a wreck. As the doors opened, I was bombarded by noise; people seemed to be everywhere. I managed to focus on Esposito as he gave me new information about a shell casing they'd found and that they were just on their way, with a tactical team, to a gun range to pull a guy in for questioning. I found myself pulling back. I knew there was no way I was in any condition to go into the field but neither was I ready to admit to that. Castle, alert as ever to my state of mind, saved my embarrassment, though, by saying that he and I could stay behind and prepare for the interview once the suspect was brought in.

The interview with Marcus Ford did not go well. I lost control; yelled; accused; couldn't see beyond the fact that he had been a military sniper and had put bullets into 92 people during his time in the service; 92 people just like me. How unfair was that? The guy had been serving his country. He said that every life he took had saved other lives and I'm sure he's right but at the time, I could only see myself on the ground with a sniper's bullet in my chest.

As I sat staring at the murder board, the flashbacks started again. This time, not just sounds but pictures. I could see everything; myself at the podium in the crosshairs; Castle tackling me; Lanie's face. I was brought back to the present by Castle who'd brought me a coffee, a decaf coffee. That man is amazing. He knows me better than I know myself sometimes. He knew I was wired but didn't know how to help except by adjusting my usual coffee order. It was so sweet.

The next phone call I got led us to the room the sniper had used when he killed Sarah Vasquez. I found myself hesitating as I went in; I felt really uncomfortable there. I jumped down everyone's throat the minute they said anything. Espo and Ryan took some moleskin to check for DNA, leaving Castle and I alone. I thought about how Sarah had been dreaming of her perfect wedding and then was dead, shot by a man looking through a scope from this very room and by looking through that scope, he might just as well have been standing right next to her. He would have been able to see her eyes as he shot her. Castle tried to be reassuring,

"We're gonna catch this guy."

"Yeah, like we caught the guy that shot me," was my reply.

That night was the night of my near breakdown. First of all, I hit the bottle. I was just going to have one to try to take the edge off my nerves but then I had a second and a third. When I'd finally emptied it and downed the last of the whiskey, the panic hit me like a train. I saw myself shot again only this time I was certain it was happening right there and then. I have no clear recollection of what happened next only that there was glass all over the floor, the blinds were shut and I spent the night cowering in a corner, gun in hand and blood pouring from a gash in my arm.

Kate decided to take a break at this point. She needed to calm down. The fears of that night were still very vivid. Although she'd always enjoyed drinking and could drink most of the guys at the precinct under the table, she'd always avoided drinking when she was under pressure. She knew only too well what that could lead to. Her father had almost drowned in the bottle after her mother's death and the worry was always in the back of her mind, did she have a genetic predisposition to do exactly the same thing. That night seemed to suggest that she did.

Kate went for a run.

Well, there you go. Please let me know what you think. Part 2 will be up tomorrow.