Here's today's 2nd offering. Thank you for your wonderful reviews, they mean a lot to me.

Chapter 22

Always and After the Storm (Part 2)

After a very long soak in the bath during which time she dragged herself back to her perfect present rather than dwelling in the turmoil of the past, Kate was ready to return to the diary. There was so much left to tell. She wished she had Castle's gift for words but this was her diary and as such the story would have to be told her way.

I'm not sure how long I stood there staring at the door but finally, when all the fight and bravado had seeped away, I broke down. I'd allowed the best thing that had ever happened to me to walk away; no, I hadn't, I'd driven him away with my own stubborn stupidity. Eventually the tears subsided, frankly there were none left, I was empty, hollow, a shell. I was also physically and emotionally exhausted, and that was the only reason that I managed to fall asleep at all that night. It was a sleep filled with horrors and nightmares, death and betrayal.

The next morning, when I couldn't lie there a moment longer, I dressed and headed for the cemetery. I needed to feel my mom's presence, I needed her guidance. It was barely dawn as I stood by the grey stone, fingering her ring, trying to find the answers. As I wiped away yet another tear, it was right there, staring me in the face,

'Vincit omnia veritas', 'Truth conquers all things'.

My mother had lived (and died) by that code, who was I to argue. If I found the truth, the person behind everything, then my life would be fulfilled, anything else was simply of secondary consideration. Tunnel vision, that was what I needed, eye on the target, no distractions and with a renewed sense of purpose, I headed to the precinct.

The boys brought me up to date, after enquiring after Castle, of course. I simply told them that he was off the team; no distractions, remember. They had a name for my shooter, Cole Maddox, which was a cover id but they'd been busy and had managed to track the GPS on his car rental to a one block radius of the Lower East Side. We were closing in, I could just feel it. I told Ryan to keep an eye on the situation at the precinct while Espo and I headed to find Maddox. Poor Kevin. He's a great cop and he immediately challenged me over my decision. He insisted we do it right, report our findings and take back-up but I was on a roll, tunnel vision, and I wasn't prepared to advertise our move to any more corrupt cops; there'd been so many of those over the years, I was only prepared to trust my team, no-one else. Stupid, I know. Just another bad decision in a long line of my bad decisions.

Espo and I canvassed the area and found Maddox's room. The manager let us in. Maddox himself was nowhere to be seen. As we searched the room, we found the stuff Orlando Costas had taken from Montgomery's house and one thing in particular caught my eye, a wedding album. Maddox had gone through the photographs crossing through people. One photograph was missing. He was looking for someone and it appeared that someone was in the missing photo. Finally I decided to call for back-up only I was too late.

Before I could turn round, I was flung against the wall and then down to the floor. I hadn't even managed to get back to my feet by the time the guy had taken Esposito out and headed for the roof. Once I recovered my gun, I went after him. What was I thinking? This guy had just taken Esposito out in two seconds flat, come on, Kate, Esposito, former military, Special Forces guy, what did I think I was going to do against him? Basically, I didn't think, I just reacted.

I got off a couple of rounds but they were way off target. Once on the roof, I chased him, looking for an opportunity to return the favour and put a bullet in him but just as I steadied myself he disappeared round a corner. The next thing I know, he's behind me and we're grappling for control of the gun. It didn't take me long to realise that this fight was not likely to end well for me. I threw everything I had at him. I'm generally considered, at the precinct, to be pretty damn good at unarmed combat but in this fight I might just as well have been a complete novice. And what really pissed me off was the fact that he seemed to be enjoying playing with me.

He could easily have killed me with his bare hands, he had them round my throat, but just added a few more blows for the hell of it. I was at his mercy on my hands and knees, gasping for breath and he just prowled round me like a wild cat playing with his prey. He spoke for the first time, then, saying that I had no idea who I was dealing with and in a final act of bravado I claimed he didn't either and attacked with everything I had left, which, naturally, was totally useless and the next thing I know, I'm hanging off the side of the building.

I don't think he'd intended for me to end up there but nor did he have any intention of helping me back up. As I was hanging by my fingertips from the ledge, he simply stood there, looking down at me for a brief moment whilst telling me that they knew exactly who they were dealing with and then he left. I was alone. I tried desperately to find some grip with my feet but the side of the building was just too smooth. I could see a fire escape off to the side but too far away to be of any use. I tried not to look down, I really did, but I couldn't help myself. The ground was a hell of long way away and I knew for sure that there was no way I would survive once my fingers left that ledge. I'd faced death many times in my years as a cop and had always accepted the fact that I could die on the job, maybe shot, stabbed, even blown to pieces but not like that, not smashing into the ground having fallen from the roof of a building.

Initially panic set in. I screamed for help. I strived to find the strength to pull myself back up. I did not want to die, not like that. Then, all of a sudden, a sense of calm took over. They say that when you look death in the face, your life suddenly becomes clearer and that happened to me. Hanging off the side of that hotel, my life which had always appeared to be so complicated, in an instant became so simple. Only one thing was important; not my job, not my mom's murder, none of those things that had always driven me in the past. The only thing that was important in my life was Richard Castle. There it was as clear as day, my revelation in the face of death, only now, I really did not want to die.

My right hand slipped then and I was now just hanging on for all I was worth with my left. Then I heard him, Castle, shouting my name, telling me to hang on and it gave me hope and the strength to hold on for a few extra seconds but as I yelled out for him, the fingers of my left hand finally gave way and I was falling. Then, instantly, my left shoulder felt as though it had been pulled out of its socket and hands were grabbing me, hauling back onto the roof. Once I was back on solid ground I looked up certain that Castle was my rescuer but I found myself staring into a different pair of blue eyes, those of Kevin Ryan. I was so sure it was Castle I'd heard but with a brief shake of his head, Ryan confirmed that my partner wasn't there. In that moment, I knew I had a lot of work to do if I wanted to regain Castle's trust and devotion. For the first time in four years, I'd faced death without him by my side and I did not want that to happen ever again.

As my brain returned to the present, I looked beyond Ryan and for the first time noticed the presence of Captain Gates and to say she did not look too pleased with the situation would be a major understatement.

Esposito and I were both checked out by paramedics on site and then, once we were given the all clear, we returned to the precinct and were immediately summoned into Gates's office. She hauled us over the coals and, I admit, we deserved it or at least I did. Espo had just been supporting me, backing me up. I was the one who the one guilty of bad judgement; I was the one who deserved to face the music, not Espo. I tried to speak up, to defend him but Gates just shot me down and refused to let me say my piece; said we were a disgrace, didn't deserve to wear the uniform; then she put us both on administrative leave and asked for our guns and badges. Esposito accepted his punishment and handed them over without argument. I paused and after a further prompt from Gates, put my gun on the table. I unclipped my badge and held it for a moment. For so long it had been the symbol of my fight for justice and purpose of being, at that moment, it meant nothing at all. I tossed it onto the desk and told Gates to keep it. I resigned.

Feeling suddenly more freedom than I had in a very long time, I turned and walked out of the captain's office. After I'd thrown my personal belongings from my desk into a bag, I walked towards the elevator. I could feel everyone looking at me but I just took a brief look back towards my desk or rather at the empty chair next to it where my partner had sat for the last four years and left. Only when I was alone in the elevator did I begin to consider my next move.

At that moment, Kate's phone rang. It was Castle. He was in meetings all day at Black Pawn but had just taken a short break. They chatted for a while before Kate heard Gina in the background yelling for Castle to 'get his ass back in the room'.

"Sorry, Kate, I've got to go. See you later? I don't know when I'll be done here, though, it could be late."

Frankly, Kate didn't care how late it was, she simply did not want to spend more time without him than absolutely necessary.

"Yeah, Castle, come over whenever you're done. Just let me know when you're on your way and I'll make sure there's some food ready. See you."

Kate grinned to herself. When had she got so sappy? Yet, did she care? Not a bit.