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Chapter Four: Failure

"Since when have you decided to cut me out of your life?"

We'd made it a whole three minutes before the thoughtful silence was broken. His eyes were hard, and he stared straight ahead with a clenched jaw. Even now, in his frustration, he held me as if I was made of glass, like I was the most precious thing in his life; but then again, he'd never made a secret of the fact that that's how he felt about me. I sighed heavily and rested my head on his warm shoulder, revelling in the slightly unfamiliar sensation of heat and pliability. I should have known that Jake would use the excuse of carrying me to the mountain-top to bombard me with questions. It was the first time we'd been alone in days.

"Don't I deserve to know what's going on with you? Once upon a time we told each other everything, Bells." He looked down at me with earnest eyes. "Once upon a time we didn't even need to tell each other everything. I could see right into you. But now..."

His gaze narrowed as he studied me, looking at me like I was a stranger he had yet to place. I closed my eyes and willed away the regret; I didn't need another black-out while Jake was holding me, and all I'd figured out about this ability so far was that my guilt seemed to fuel the power. My head ached from the three hours I'd spent that afternoon, sat cross-legged on my bed trying to figure the inner-workings of my new talents out. There was only one trigger – regret. Once I started thinking about Jake or Charlie or Mom, or all the people I'd be leaving behind once I married Edward and became a real Cullen, the whooshing in my ears began and I'd start slipping out of consciousness. It was frustrating, though. The very moment I'd realise that it was actually working, the more excitement and pride would surface, the less guilt I'd feel and it would pull me back to the present. I was just going in circles and eventually I'd given up when Charlie came home and asked when I'd taken up yoga.

The guilt bubbled up again as I avoided Jake's dark eyes. If there was one person on the entire planet I wanted to talk about this with, he was holding me in his arms right that moment. Jake would know what to do. He'd help me figure it out and get a handle on it, not forbid me and leave me with ultimatums like Edward had. I could almost picture Jake sending me back to the past to tell him something creepy that pertained to our present, or to tell Quil something we couldn't have possibly known at the time, just to freak him out. It would be a game, if I could tell Jake. But I couldn't. I was still hurting him, and I knew that one word about my new-found abilities, or where they'd actually come from and his rage would be insurmountable. The Pack didn't need a war with the Cullens, and I couldn't handle giving the men in my life an actual reason to tear each other apart.

"Jake, for the last time. I'm not hiding anything. I'm just sick, or whatever."

"Bullshit."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. I can hear your heart speed up every time you lie, Bells. I can see the blush threatening your cheeks. You smell fine, as amazing as ever-" He paused to rest his nose on the crown of my head. "If you were sick, believe me, I'd know," he croaked.

The familiarity of the situation wasn't lost on me; this was a story that had played out with us before, when Jake was the one going through the changes and lying to me for my own protection. It was the only thing that made me hopeful that one day he'd understand, but I didn't have a Sma ordering me to keep quiet. It was my choice to cut Jake out. It was my fault – again – that we were crumbling. I bargained with myself that there was still time to resolve this before the wedding. If the battle went our way – and that was a huge if, then I'd come clean. I'd tell Jacob the whole story from start to finish. He'd be a little mad, maybe snarl a little and storm out, but he'd come back. He always came back. We always came back to each other in the end.

Not when you're a vampire.

I bit my lip sharply in an effort to distract myself from the mutinous thoughts I was having. Why had everything seemed so black and white before, but it was now more grey than anything? I'd made my decision. I refused to let myself think that the real reason I hadn't announced my engagement was that it would make everything all the more real. I refused to think that Jake would have a whole new set of arguments against my plans, and that maybe, this time, there was a part of me that wanted to listen. Why else would my conscience be punching holes on reality, in my life if it wasn't screaming for attention.

There was no sound but his footfalls on the forest floor for several beats. His hot breath fanned out over my hairline, and a barely audible whine escaped from his throat. I clenched my eyes shut, willing back the guilty tears. Why did this have to be so hard on him? What good was Jacob's love for me when all it seemed to bring him was pain and frustration? Maybe in another life, we could just be friends. Maybe Jake wouldn't have to hurt this much and maybe he'd accept my decisions without the cloud of jealousy polluting his sunny demeanour. If Jacob didn't love me, he wouldn't be in so much danger right now.

"I know your scents and reactions better than anyone, and I know when I'm being lied to." His grip shifted underneath me as he readjusted me in his arms. "You can try to fool me all you want, Bells, but it's not going to work, not with me."

I buried my nose in his chest, trying to ignore the whooshing sound as it descended around me. There was no way I would be able to stop this, now. My heart was aching for Jacob and our friendship and everything I was doing to harm it. The guilt was eating me alive and I felt reality slip away as Jake's panicked voice echoed in my ears.

I swerved the truck as my consciousness caught up; there should probably be some safety clause with this thing about not time-jumping while driving. The road was instantly recognizable, and there was only one destination I could have been headed toward. My suspicions were confirmed when I passed the Welcome to La Push sign. Jacob was waiting for me when I reached the little red house. Gangly, clumsy, pre-phase Jake. He was getting close, though. I could see the outline of his pectorals through the thin shirt already. It can't have been more than a week away; which made this-

"Happy Valentines Day."

Jacob's shy, unsure smile was a painful reminder of just how young he was. Sometimes, looking at him in my timeline, the way his body had matured, his face had aged, it was easy to forget that he was just a kid. Jake needed protecting, too. The sight of the small, pink box of conversation hearts brought everything flooding back. This was the moment I realised that Jacob's feelings for me ran deeper than friendship. It was the moment I should have nipped this whole thing in the bud and and been a true friend. Maybe now, I could be his protector.

"Well, I feel like a schmuck," I mumbled. "Is today Valentine's Day?"

The withering look he gave me was all too familiar now. He still shot me that one when I defended Edward, or when I was saying something he couldn't believe I actually felt.

"You can be so out of it sometimes. Yes, it is the fourteenth day of February. So are you going to be my Valentine? Since you didn't get me a fifty-cent box of candy, it's the least you can do."

This was my chance. I hadn't done this properly the first time, and now, somewhere in the future, Jake was about to lay down his life in place of my own. It wasn't fair. It wasn't his fight and every fibre in me wanted to stop it from happening.

Say no. Tell him you hate Valentines Day. Say you already have a Valentine. Anything!

The hopeful, expectant look on his face was my undoing. I opened my mouth to shoot him down, but the words wouldn't come out. Even if it meant possibly saving his life, I just couldn't take this away from Jacob.

You mean you can't take this away from you. You can't take him away.

"What exactly does that entail?" I heard myself saying.

No! Stop! This is exactly how it happened the first time... what are you doing?

"The usual – slave for life, that kind of thing."

"Oh, well, if that's all…"

I took the candy. I took it and I kept it and I failed. Why did I keep failing him?

Reality seeped back in with the sound of Jake's insistent calling of my name. Nothing had changed; I'd had the chance and done nothing. Jacob was still blurring that boundary between friendship and love and I was still letting him because I was weak and I couldn't face coming back to a present where he wasn't such a huge part of me.

I realised that in Jake's panic, he had doubled his speed and reached the campsite a lot quicker than we'd anticipated. Edward's surprised look told me that much, but I couldn't tell what Jake's expression portrayed. I couldn't look at him.

He planted me softly on the ground and shoved his hands in his cut-offs. I felt his stare boring into my hairline, but couldn't find it in me to speak. I felt like such an ineffectual ass. What good was giving this power to someone like me if I didn't have the guts to use it, not even if it meant saving my best friend? Silence hung in the air as Edward's arms fell from my sides.

"Still going to tell me that was nothing?" Jake snapped. The edge to his voice gave me a shudder that had little to do with the unseasonal cold. I looked off into the distance, giving the illusion that I was exploring my home for the night. He saw right rough me and snorted. "Alright, well, I was going to stay here and stand guard for the night, but the stench of bullshit mixed with leech is kind of making it hard to breathe. Seth will be along in a while. Try to dress warm. I doubt your boyfriend will be much help in that department."

Before I could even answer, he was gone.

A/N: I toyed with the idea of using this to resolve the Bella/Jake element to the story, but decided it was a little too easy. Besides, how could she willingly give him up?

These updates are pretty short but I'm getting over a mammoth bout of writer's block and a routine change which has left little time for this. Hopefully things will become a little more like normal now, though.

Let me know what you thought. :)