Chapter six-Pain (Kyle's POV)
"It's...not like I want to." I explain to the psychiatrist next to me in his chair.
"Well why do you?" He asked, his questions were starting to bug me.
"I...well...my friends find It amusing, but my boyfriend and I, we don't find it amusing anymore."
"Why do you do it anyways?"
I let out a long sigh. "Well, its hard when your friends drag you into it. You have to act cool, well, I do, I don't want them to think I'm a weak pussy. Cartman would taunt me and I don't know what Kenny would do, he'd make fun of me most likely."
"Is that why you did it to even begin with?"
"No, at first it was to let out my frustration. My home life was, and still is sort of crazy. When Ike came out of the closet and started to hang out with the goth kids my mom freaked out. She learned to accept that we were gay, but she didn't want us flaunting it or picking up bad habits...and Ike picked up smoking from the goths and his boyfriend, Georgie, I think his name is...I don't know I've only heard Ike say it once. Otherwise he calls him Kinder...anyways, mom freaks out.
"The house goes into chaos, my dad and mom argue with themselves and Ike. Everything use to get blamed on my actions and me not being a good role model." I mumbled quietly. "It got better, Ike stopped flaunting it...around her anyway, and he has scented candles to hide the cigarette scent, but after last night...I don't want to hurt Butters."
"Whoa, what happened last night?" The psychiatrist asked with an eyebrow.
"Butters was raped and I stopped it before it ended."
"I seriously can't do this anymore, I can't hang out with you guys if you are going to do this." I said firmly, biting my lip slightly. "I can't hurt him."
"See this is why we can't trust Jews!" Cartman said angrily. "They're all asshole lying dicks that steal-"
"Cartman, will you shut the fuck up before I make you?" Stan asked angrily, getting up. "If he's not in this then I'm not." He said simply.
"Dumbass hippies, what do you say about this bullshit Kenny?" Cartman asked the orange clad teenager.
He didn't respond for a moment, when he did it was quiet and I could barely make out the words. "Why don't you want to anymore Kyle? You won't tell us." He said softly.
My mouth went dry as the memory slipped into my mind. "Just...It's stupid, he's human too and we shouldn't do it anyway."
"...that isn't the only reason is it?" Kenny said, meeting my gaze.
"No, okay? Last night I was at a bar and when I left, there was screaming and wailing," I broke off, taking a deep breath. "Butters was raped."
The room went silent, Kenny's eyes were blown wide along with Stan's. Cartman just sat there, frowning as he bit his lip. I knew that he was going to say something and it wouldn't be nice...I was right.
"Stupid slut deserved it."
I slapped him and stood up. "You know what? Fuck you, no one deserves that and I don't think that Butters is a slut, I think he's lost and confused and innocent! You and your sick mind can rot in hell for all I care!" I stormed out of the house, ignoring the small white snowflakes that stuck to my clothes as they fell from the sky carelessly, also ignoring Stan who I heard following me quietly, not wanting to upset me further, and finally, ignoring my memory.
Guilt, frustration, and anger filled me to the brim, I wanted to apologize to Butters, go back and stop everything from starting, I also wanted to beat the crap out of the fatass.
"Kyle," Stan's voice reached my ears as he slung an arm around my shoulders. "Calm down...It's okay." He said, trying to make me relax.
"No it isn't!" I argued, pulling away. "Not for Butters anyway, I'm going to see him, if you want to stop being an ass and tag along go ahead."
"I'm going with you," He said softly, pulling me into a hug. "I understand it isn't okay and I don't know what to do...I never wanted any of this to happen, I never wanted to hurt Butters." He mumbled.
"Lets just go to Butter's house." I said as I walked off toward said house.
"He probably won't let us past the threshold."
"Oh well."
(Butters P.O.V.)
What do they want? Why are they here?, I asked myself as I watched them shift uncomfortably in my room, the door shut.
"Hey..." Kyle said as he sat on the floor beside the bed where I was curled in a ball with my blanket. "I'm really sorry dude..."
"For what?" I asked quietly, looking at him curiously.
"Bullying...I'm sorry too." Stan said softly, looking at me as he leaned against the wall.
I just curled up tighter and sighed quietly. "D-Don't...I don't want to hear it." I mumbled.
"Butters..." Kyle said, biting his lip slightly. "I realize how much damage we did to you...I know that we should've not done that." He mumbled. "I'm so sorry..." He whispered.
"Look, I don't want apologies, can you please just leave, I need to be alone." I mumbled, watching them pause and look at each other. I could almost hear their thoughts. I knew they didn't want to go, didn't want to leave me to my own thoughts.
With stiff limbs they got up and walked from my room, shutting the door quietly with a soft 'Goodbye', barely a whisper. I turned over, not wanting to think about it.
I can't stop shaking, my hand clutching the razor. I promised myself I wouldn't go back to this, I wouldn't do this again, I stopped when I was twelve. There's much blood, it hurts. Why? Why? Why?
My hands wouldn't stop and I couldn't look away from my wrist, the blood welled up and slid down my skin with ease, the razor slicing through without a sound. There is so much blood. I heaved a sigh and set the razor down, closing my eyes as I leaned back and took deep breaths.
It was getting harder to breath, my mouth was so dry and my skin felt so slimy with sweat. I craned my neck and looked into the mirror, nearly laughing at how terrible I looked. In movies people were beautiful when they committed suicide like this. Why do I look so terrible?
Movies lie, this was pain that I felt, not a blissful wave or peace or whatever bullshit they feed to us. This was painful...but now the pain is dulling and my vision is blurring.
Is it over?
No, I can still feel my heart beating, hear it in my head, it wasn't frantic, it was slow and soothing...
"Mom...Dad...I'm sorry..." I whispered to myself as the light dimmed, or was that just my sight? "Kenny...I wish I could..." I sucked in a slow breath. "Be a girl..."
Thump.
Thump.
Thump.
….
Silence.
"Butters."
"Leopold, come on..."
"Leopold Stotch."
Go away voices, this is a real shitty hell if all I'm going to see is black and hear voices calling me. Oh, there is a distant beeping, its slow...and there is a quiet thumping in my chest, is that my heart?
"Leopold, you need to wake up, please sweetie." Is that...my mom's voice?
I forced my eyelids open, light assaulting them immediately. "Mom...?"
"My baby!" She called, a dark shadow coming into my vision, when my vision cleared I could see that it was my mother.
"Where am I?" I asked, turning my head to look around.
"The hospital." She said softly. I looked back at her, seeing the tears streaming down her face. "Why Butters...what happened to you?" She asked, a shaky hand reaching down to play with my hair.
"Mom..." I looked at her and I broke down, a tear streaming down my face before a flood of them followed. "I'm sorry!" I cried. "I w-was r-raped and I was scared and the feeling wouldn't go a-away and," I sobbed. "I just couldn't stop once I started, I didn't k-know what to do!" I cried.
"Butters, honey, why didn't you tell me?" My mom asked, starting to cry with me. "We could've done something, put the man in jail!" She whimpered.
"No mom...we can't, I didn't see him and it was stopped before we could get a semen sample." I stated, shaking and biting my lip, trying to stop crying as I reached up to my mom for a hug.
"Butters please tell me next time, please don't do this." She mumbled. "I don't want to have to-"
"Did you take your sanity pill this morning?" I interrupted.
"No..." She admitted.
Her 'sanity pill' was an antidepressant that the doctor prescribed to her, it made her happier and less stressed, so when she found out I was gay and like dressing like a girl...she didn't spaz out like she did when she discovered that my dad went to a gay house and had sex with men when I was 8. He doesn't do that anymore, or so I think.
"I'm sorry mom..." I said softly, rubbing her back.
"It's okay sweetie...just please don't do it again, I love you..." She said softly, smiling gently at me.
"I won't." I smiled and laid back, trying to get comfortable.
She stood up and wiped her eyes. "Your father is at work, he will be here around 9 to see you for half an hour, I already cleared it with the nurses."
"How long have I been here?" I asked quietly.
"A week, in a short acoma. If I didn't walk into your bathroom when I did you might have been dead..." She sniffed. "God has great plans for you Butters...he had me save you in time..."
"I g-guess so mom..." I said softly, even though deep down I believed that it was just an accident that she found me.
"You are in the suicidal section of the hospital, meaning family only...want me to tell your little friends anything? That nice Kyle boy has been bugging me for a week on updates, he seems to care an awful lot about you, maybe you should date him..." I resisted the urge to gag.
"He's with Stan." I stated. "And no, gingers are not my thing...I like blondes and brunettes, not gingers or fatasses." I said softly, rolling my eyes.
"Don't swear...and well okay." She shrugged and got up. "That rules out that Cartman boy then." She laughed softly. "I'm going to go get something to eat and grab something for you too in the store, I'll be back soon..." She left and I sighed, lifting my arms and looking at the bandages around my wrists.
With another sigh I closed my eyes and curled up under the blanket, shivering slightly. The IV sticking out of my arm sort of hurt and the heart monitor beeped loudly. I wonder what it would be like if I had died, well I guess it'd be lonely and scary and I'd be in Hell most likely...
Maybe mom is right, God has some reason to keep me around, or maybe this is how my personal Hell starts, I will never be able to get out of this place. I pushed that thought away with a huff, I won't allow myself to think like that.
A buzzing noise to my right scared me and I jumped, the heart monitor beeped faster as I looked to the side table and saw my phone charging. Fuck that scared me...I'm surprised mom brought it for me.
There was ten text messages in my inbox, all of them except for one was from either Kyle or Stan, the last was from an unknown number. I read over the text twice and my heart skipped a beat.
Are you okay? -Kenny
I jumped as another message popped up.
I'm sorry, none of this should have happened, I never should've hurt you and I know I will never be able to make it up but I really hope you are okay -Kenny
I attempted to text back but I couldn't, I couldn't think. He cares...?
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The End!
Just Kidding, I still have 12 more chapters, or so they are planned, maybe more maybe less, thank you to my beta for sticking with me through this story, lets give a round of applause to Candybunnystyledipcreek! Happy 12/12/12!
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