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Chapter Nineteen: Insight
"Paul, it's barely nine in the morning, it's my day off, and I am not in the mood for your crap today," I grumbled, pulling the hood of the sweatshirt over where my hair was matted with spray. The dewy morning air was chilling my skin, still-heated from sleep as I leaned out my brand new bedroom window. I'd been in bed roughly five hours – It had taken a while after leaving the club to actually find Leah, despite what she'd promised.
Truthfully, although we'd planned to go out on a girls' night, and had only spent the first two hours at the club together, I hadn't missed her. Passing the remainder of the night with Embry had reminded me what male company was like before everything got complicated. He wasn't hanging out with me with the expectation that it would inevitably turn into something more, and seemed content to just live in the situation, giving ourselves over to the moment. For once, every aspect of my life from my future to the current state of my friendship with Jacob hadn't been under a microscope. I decided I liked it that way.
We'd left the club together, waiting outside in the night's chill and searching for any signs of Leah.
"Even though you totally weren't invited, you're a pretty good back-up date, Embry," I jibed, moving to nudge him playfully with my folded arms. He leaned his head back against the outer-wall, propping a foot up at the same time, and looked down at me amusedly.
"Thanks, but I draw the line at bathroom-buddies," he replied, and I found myself giggling for what felt like the hundredth time that night. Everything about this had been so easy, and for the first time in months, not weighed down by reminders of my inadequacy or awkward pauses punctuated by mentions of Jacob's name. In fact, I hadn't so much as given him a passing thought for hours – despite the company.
"It's okay, I'm not really into the whole girls-going-off-to-pee-together thing. Always seemed a little suspicious to me."
"I assumed it was so you could talk trash about us guys when we weren't around to hear," he ventured, and I shrugged, pulling my arms around my middle to stave off the chill.
"Sometimes it is, but it's mostly a security thing," I said. "Besides, I'm pretty used to being around people who can hear through walls if they really want to."
Several other kids milled around, exchanging slurred conversation, declarations of love, and phone numbers. Every so often, one of the girls would catch sight of Embry and throw him a meticulous look, but he was oblivious. It was amusing, actually, watching the expression on their faces when they caught sight of him, and how their posture instantly straightened, their voices became louder, and everything went further towards catching his attention – but to no avail. I enjoyed how humble he was, and wondered again what kind of girl it would take to actually catch his eye. No-one here seemed to have the qualities he was looking for.
I watched how they interacted, so carefree and ignorant of any harm that could come their way. They were invincible. It was how I wanted to feel, once all of the mess with Victoria was over, and I'd gotten a taste of how that could be tonight, with Leah and Embry.
His smile turned thoughtful and he let his arms drop to his pockets. "I bet that gets pretty old fast, huh?"
"I've gotten used to it. I haven't had much privacy since I moved here – everything from how hungry I am to the brand of bodywash I use can be determined by you guys."
It was true – I'd become so accustomed to spending time around the superhuman that extra-thorough showers and avoiding private discussions when I wasn't completely alone with others had become second nature to me. I didn't eat anything that would hang on my breath for hours, and my dentist had nominated me his ideal patient – I never missed a check-up. It became a part of my life with Edward, and after I found out about the wolves, it stayed. If I thought about it all too much, I'd drive myself crazy with paranoia.
"So is that part of the reason you went out with Hair Gel?" he asked, mischief alight in his expression. I blew out a breath good-naturedly and gave him an admonishing look.
"Not consciously, no. But if I really think about it, maybe?" I thought aloud, watching more of the club's inebriated patrons come out the door. Leah still wasn't among them. "I think you were kind of right about me giving him a chance purely because he's human... I mean, I guess maybe I wanted to see what it was like to not be the only one who couldn't hear what song was playing in someone's car two streets away."
"It's not as impressive as that," he smiled, shaking his head, "I mean, yeah, we can do that, but it's with a certain amount of concentration, and we learn to tune it out soon after the first phase."
"You can still do it, though, and see better than I could ever dream of," I said, "...aaand I'm suddenly getting self-conscious again." I shielded my face with my hands playfully, and turned away before he took hold of my wrists, exposing me to his smile.
"Don't hide, Bella, it's not as if you're not easy to look at," he said, raising an eyebrow. Taken aback by his words, I stiffened.
The knee-jerk reaction had come about because what he said felt much too close to flirting to me, but I berated myself, because I was pretty sure Embry didn't even know how.
"I mean-" he stammered, letting out a nervous chuckle and back-pedalling, fast. "Look, I don't mean it like that, I already told you, you look good tonight. It's a friendly compliment."
His fearful expression was enough to convince me that it had slipped out without any foreknowledge of the implications. I chewed on the inside of my mouth in admonishment. How full of myself did I have to be to assume every guy I got marginally close to was into me?
"I know," I scoffed, tangling my fingers in the ends of my hair, "I just- uh, I don't know what I thought. Please, ignore me Embry," I asked as I shook my head and threw up my hands dismissively.
He didn't answer, instead turning his face away and scanning the crowd. My guard went up immediately, fearing that he'd spotted something – or someone, who definitely wasn't invited, and was out to get me. "Embry?"
He frowned thoughtfully, looking at an imaginary watch and folding his arms again. "Embry..."
I nudged him with the arm closest to him and he finally looked at me, holding his palms out in feigned innocence. "What? You told me to ignore you."
I rolled my eyes at the joke and chuckled. "Oh, that's hilarious. Remind me again why Quil's the funny one?" He looked outraged.
"Quil's the funny one?"
"Not intentionally," I conceded, enjoying the tease.
"And here I always thought that was me. I need to re-evaluate my whole life now," he groaned dramatically, and my shoulders sank in a disapproving sigh at his humour. It was a mistake to stop hugging myself, and I winced at the nipping touch of the night air.
"It's not that I'm looking all that hard, Bella, but anyone could see that you're freezing. Didn't you bring a jacket?"
I looked away abashedly. "I forgot, and Leah wasn't wearing one, so I didn't exactly figure I'd need it," I said, rubbing circles on the goosebumps tracking down my arm.
Embry's face contorted. "Crap, I didn't bring one either.. I can't remember the last time I wore a shirt for a whole day," he said honestly, and it was easy to believe. I could feel the heat radiating off him already, and I found that I was gravitated to the warmth, whether I could help it or not. Our shoulders were touching slightly, and I felt his muscles tense in the faintest way through the plaid cotton of his shirt.
"It's okay," I shuddered, "I've felt worse." A brief flash of the night I spent in the tent, an entire world away, almost jerked me. Memories of my other life didn't come though so often anymore.
"Still, it sucks I can't help you, at least not until Leah gets here with the damn car keys." He looked off into the doorway again, drawing a long breath through his nose in an attempt to locate her, We'd both decided that whatever she was up to, it was best she wasn't disturbed. That innocent nineteen-year-old was on his own.
A few steps away, a light-hearted conversation became heated between two guys. Before I could blink, it had escalated into a fight and a glass bottle appeared from nowhere, only to be smashed to the ground near my feet. I shrieked in fright, pressing further into Embry's side as he backed off from the wall, laying a protective arm around my shoulders.
I drew comfort from his warmth, and the bulk of his frame shielding me from the ruckus. Two bouncers exited the doorway, quickly taking control and assessing the damage. I breathed a sigh of relief as the group dispersed, leaving Embry and I almost alone, and my heart hammering against my ribs.
"You okay?" he said, squeezing my shoulder lightly to draw my attention. I nodded silently, looking at my exposed toes for any sign of blood. His thumb rubbed lightly over my exposed shoulder, and I selfishly and hungrily welcomed the gesture, my breathing finally reaching a pace where I wasn't experiencing a burning in my throat.
"Yeah, guess I don't deal so well with conflict," I brushed off, laughing lightly.
"Makes two of us."
"Really? For someone who spends his days patrolling for the undead in the hopes of ripping them apart, I didn't think a brawl between drunken teenagers would matter much. You could probably have taken both of them at once," I smirked through my lashes, and was painfully aware I sounded like some bimbo about to feel his bicep. But still, it was the truth – I'd seen Quil lift one half of a car up searching for his keys with minimal exertion.
He returned the smile and shrugged lightly. "Doesn't mean I want to." The look on his face was like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I think there's still a scrawny little nobody who got the shit kicked out of him buried in here somewhere."
"So if you hadn't wolfed out, you'd still be a little nerd?" I asked, laughing at the contrast of his current appearance to the Embry he was referring to.
He blew out a breath. "Probably... Actually, Newt-Boy and I would have a lot in common, even if he does try to pass himself off as a jock," he confessed, cringing. I mocked a gasp, looking at him with widening eyes.
"Really? Maybe I should introduce you two properly, you could be BFFs..." He shot me a withering look, clenching his jaw. "Or maybe not," I chuckled.
Several more exited the club, this time a lot less rambunctious. I guessed maybe the late hour was wearing on them, like it was on me. I leaned further into Embry's side, absorbing the heat from his arm that was still draped carefully around me and fought a yawn. I was surprised at how at home I felt there. It was familiar and new all at once, but I knew if I started analysing everything, I'd ruin it - so I didn't, enjoying the absence of complication.
"So, what changed your mind?" he said suddenly, and I struggled to figure out the origin of his question. "About Hair Gel, I mean. You said you wanted to see what dating a human was like."
I chewed over the thought for a moment before answering. "I guess I realised that it's not a part of my life I'm going to be able to leave behind. Maybe I'm too immersed in everything now," I theorised, pulling the reasoning out of my tired brain as I pressed my temple into his shoulder. "I'd like to say that I'll put all of this in my rear-view mirror – I've thought about it enough – but I guess you guys weren't the only ones who went through a transition this year."
Literally and figuratively...
"It shouldn't have to be like this – I shouldn't know about this part of life, but I do."
"It sounds like you kind of like it that way," he observed, studying me curiously.
"I did, hell, I welcomed it – whether I meant to or not; this whole world I never knew existed, creatures I thought lived in books, but I guess I found out that life - and magic - doesn't always work out the way we intended it to. It can be thrilling and exhilarating and make you feel like you're standing on top of a tall building with nothing but the wind keeping you there... but sometimes magic turns dark and it bites us right in the ass," I replied, mulling over how I got to be here, in this moment, with someone who turned out to be a great friend, and not dealing with the aftermath of my father's funeral.
Sure, that part had gone as I'd wanted, but nothing else had. I'd been given an amazing power and had little-to-no control over how it impacted my life – kind of like the wolves, in a way.
Embry watched me with rapt attention, not interrupting, simply absorbing what I was saying, I had no idea if he was just being polite and I was boring his socks off, or if he was genuinely interested, but I had a feeling it was the latter. I just didn't know why.
"Or you end up biting someone else in the ass," he mused, smiling softly at the joke. The double entendre in his words wasn't lost on me – I'd have spent the latter part of my senior year making Jacob suffer if I stayed with Edward. Embry spent most days growing elongated canines and growling. Magic had ways of turning on everyone.
"It's the same with love," he said, not quite looking at me, and not quite alert to the moment. Whatever Embry was thinking of, it was private, and he wasn't yet willing to share.
I nodded, finding myself agreeing with him, and shamefully surprised by his insight.
"Love gives us strength and hope, courage where we would never have it before, but it can take it all away just as easily," I vented, trying not to sound too morose, but failing. "And when you combine the two – well, I think I'm a walking example of how love and the supernatural don't mix. Both chewed me up and spat me out; I'm not just an oblivious human anymore, but I'm not omnipotent either. I'm stuck, floating, and kinda lost. "
"You're only lost until someone gives you the proper directions, and you either end up back where you started, or somewhere new. Either way, it's not hopeless. You can either start over or take another chance."
He was looking at me then, and I honestly couldn't understand how I was just seeing this side of him now. Where was Embry when I was curled in the foetal position and struggling to eat? I could have used some of this wisdom then.
"It's a nice thought, and I'd really like to believe you, but I think I'm still a little burned from the last time I took a risk." It was like a week ago, after all.. "How'd you get to be so smart, Em?"
It wasn't the first time I'd said something like that, and he was thoughtful as he shrugged lightly.
"There's not a lot I know for sure, I just say what I see. Not going to be writing any self-help books soon, at least not until I get my own shit together." He smiled ruefully and rubbed at the back of his neck with his palm.
"You and me both – sometimes I feel like no matter what I do, someone gets hurt, even if it's me."
He sighed. "That's pretty pessimistic, Bella – just because you've made some mistakes doesn't mean you shouldn't ever stop trying. Believe me, if everyone felt that way, it would all be pretty hopeless. Just figure out where you want to be in the end, and the rest should fall into place."
It was on the tip of my tongue to argue with him. If that was the case, I would be with Jacob right now, and not patching up the seams of my heart with nothing but self-determination. I'd chosen my path already – given up all I knew only to have it curve severely to the left. At least I had a living, breathing father and some new friends to show for it. But I didn't say anything, just offering a half-hearted smile.
His next words aimed for a backtrack on the topic. "Besides, as much as I'd like to wallow in your negativity, I don't think I have a balanced view of the positives of magic – I've seen too much of the life-ruining side."
"Makes two of us," I sniffed. "It's like everything is enhanced, amazing, elevating – and then when it goes wrong, it's worse than it could possibly have ever been."
"I think Leah would agree with you there," Embry muttered, taking another meaning from my words.
It was only when he'd said it that I realised I could add imprinting to the list of supernatural things that were not Bella-friendly. I snorted softly in agreement as I spied the woman in question, sauntering out of the club and steering an innocent-looking, love-struck guy off in the direction of the waiting taxi cabs, eyes dazed and drunk on infatuation. She waved delicately after him, giving a heartbreaking smile when he turned to take her in one last time. I smiled at her when she spotted us, pleased that she'd completed her mission, dismissing her night's entertainment in a way only Leah could get away with.
"Yeah, she would," I nodded, watching her approach. I turned to look up at him, craning my neck to his height as I gave a soft smile.
"But you know what? Even after so much has gone wrong for the both of us, I think we're going to be okay."
Paul was standing in the morning sunlight, arms-folded and a look of annoyance on his face.
"Sorry to disturb your slumber, Princess. How was last night?"
I sighed wearily – what he meant was 'What did Leah get up to last night', but he was going the roundabout way of saying it. It was much too early, and I was running on far too little sleep to give him the answers he wanted. I obliquely registered that it was Paul I was dealing with, and one wrongly-worded sentence could end up in the tantrum of a century.
"Alright, if we're going to do this, I need coffee. Have you eaten yet?" I croaked, my eyes still mostly held together with sleep. He shook his head 'no' curiously, and I nodded. "Fine. Charlie should be at the station already, so give me ten minutes and meet me at the back door." I hoped placating him with food would give me enough leverage to keep the wolf in the cage.
I dragged my hair up into a messy top-knot, washing my face and pulling on the comfiest sweats I could find. Paul was annoyingly alert when I let him in, eyeing the bacon on the grill hungrily. I wasn't sure how to explain the absence of a full pack and most of a loaf of bread on my own, in a day.
I cradled a mug of black coffee as I watched him devour it all unapologetically, my mind slowly catching up with the rest of my body.
He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "So? What went down at the club last night?" he reiterated, and I pressed my lips together, wondering how much to divulge.
"What does one usually do at a club? A little dancing, people-watching, some drinks..."
Paul snorted. "That's not what I usually do at a club. Did you get lucky, Princess?"
I raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, in fact I got rid of my one-night-stand just before you got here. He was sweet, but we can't have him getting the wrong idea, can we?"
"Funny, 'cause the only person I saw leaving was Embry, and I'm pretty sure he spent the last few hours huddled in the woods."
That surprised me – Leah had dropped me off on the way home, and he was still in the car – he'd gotten a ride to Port Angeles with Kim, and had planned to run back. I hadn't even considered that anyone had stuck around to patrol my house, but it made sense.
"Fine, you got me. No, I did not get 'lucky', I wasn't there for that."
"And Leah?" he asked tentatively, reaching for his own mug and attempting nonchalance.
I chewed on my lip for a second. "There was a guy, but it wasn't anything serious, I don't think," I revealed, and his jaw clenched minutely.
"She bang him?"
My head jerked back in surprise. "Wow, for someone who's got it pretty bad for her, your opinion doesn't stretch too high," I said in reprimand. His lips twitched, threatening a grin.
"See, that's the difference between you and me, Snow White – you put sex on a pedestal, make it out to be the be-all-and-end-all of everything. It's just sex, and the sooner you realise that, the less you're gonna get hurt," he informed, before resting his broad arms on the table before him. "Leah's just like me, and if she wants sex, she gets it – it's nothing to be ashamed of, going after what you want – even if you don't think it's the best thing for you."
"Then how come you're asking if she slept with that guy? I mean, if sex is so inconsequential to you, why does it matter?"
"Because even though I can respect her right to fuck whoever she wants, whenever she wants, I'm still not going to be satisfied until it's me."
I was almost shocked by the honesty in his words – Paul had never been straight about his feelings for Leah, and I knew this was as close to a declaration of love as he could get.
"There was a guy, they made out, we went home – that's it."
The muscles in his jaw flickered before he smirked. "Alright then."
"Seriously? You're not jealous?" There was a pregnant pause after that, before he shook his head.
"It's not like she's getting engaged. Did you talk to her?"
"About the night you and she- Uh, yeah, I did."
"And?"
"She wasn't giving much away, and she was pretty suspicious that I was asking, but she didn't seem to be as disgusted by the memory as she pretends." I got up from the table to top up the rapidly-cooling coffee.
"I don't know exactly what happened that night, Paul, but I think she got to see a side of you that not many get to. I think you told her some things that helped – but now, she can't connect that to how you act these days. You come across like such a tough-guy all the time that it's like she imagined the whole thing. You're your own worst enemy, sometimes."
"So you're saying I should become Mr. Sensitive?" he asked disbelievingly. "Not sure who you've been talking to, Princess, but I can't see Leah going for that."
"I didn't mean go through a personality change – far from it. All I know is, Leah got a glimpse of something more that night, and for whatever reason, she let it in. That's not an easy thing for her to do. I'm not sure she even would do it again – and who could blame her?"
He was thoughtful as he sipped on his coffee. "I guess you're on to something with the own-worst-enemy crap. But you're a complete hypocrite, Swan, and you don't even know it."
I glared irritatedly at him. "Excuse me?"
"It's true – you make the worst possible decisions when it comes to dudes. You dated a leech, and then you hook up with a guy you know was probably going to imprint and leave your ass some day, but you stayed. What gives? Are you a masochist?"
I stared dumbly at him, knowing I had a defensive argument stored somewhere, but it was lost. He was looking at me interestedly, as if his questions were purely to satisfy his own curiosity, and to prove himself right.
"I mean, you can blame Jake, sure, he was so adamant that he'd never drink the Kool-Aid that he almost had me convinced – but there had to be some part of you that knew, right?"
I realised that he was correct – I'd cursed Jake, to his face, for making me believe him - but the truth was, I'd ignored that voice in the back of my head telling me to stop, think about it, and protect myself. I'd ignored my own common sense, just like with Edward.
"Alright, I can give you that one, but where does that leave you and Leah?" His overconfident grin fell slightly, and his lips went thin with frustrated contemplation.
"Why do you think I'm enlisting your help, Princess? I gotta find some loophole, something I can work with – it will happen."
"How can you be sure? I mean, what if it doesn't? Won't it mess everything up, once and for all?"
"You need to listen to what I say more carefully, Swan," he said, trademark sneer dancing on his lips as he fought a smile. "Going after what you want is nothing to be ashamed of – even if everything's screaming that it's not the best thing for you."
A/N: Well, this chapter was a doozie. There's a lot for Bella to think about, and hopefully remember later on when the time comes. I'd like to thank my temporary Beta, Ruth, for helping me get there. No more headaches for me! Next chapter will hopefully be a little lighter on the Deep-and-Meaningful-Conversations (DMCs).
Let me know what you thought about this one. :)