"...SO, BUY BILL BRAND DORITOS! JUST LIKE REGULAR DORITOS... EXCEPT, ONE BITE, AND THEY'LL KILL YOU!"
"Aaannd welcome back everyone watching at home." Bill threw his cane in the air, before catching it with his mouth (UGH, HYGIENE). "This show is going out coast to coast over fifty different dimensions, from the Planet Of The Nasty Squishy Things, to the World Of Walking, Talking Verrucas. We're here, on this fine evening to celebrate the life of one Drippy Pi..."
"WILL YOU CALL ME BY MY REAL NICKNAME! " The honourable Dipper Pines was not best pleased." IT'S BAD ENOUGH YOU DRAG ME OUT HERE TO HUMILIATE ME IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE TOWN, ALMOST SEDUCE ME INTO BECOMING YOUR SEXUAL PLAYTHING, MAKE ME CHOOSE BETWEEN SIX WEIRD GIRLS TO TAKE HOME AS MY DATE AND FORCE ME TO STARE AT MCGUCKET IN THE BUFF! YOU COULD AT LEAST GET MY NAME RIGHT!"
It would be safe to say the little seedling was not a happy bunny, bless his little cotton socks. The vein in his forehead was pumping a hundred times a second, and he was growling like a constipated bear in the woods. In fact, just like Eminem, he was just about to Lose It... Which MIGHT have been slightly scary, if it wasn't for the fact that...
This was Dipper we're talking about here, not He-Man or even a Ken doll, so instead of recoiling in fear from his fearful outburst, the crowd gave into his cuteness and let out an audible AAAAWWWW!
If Mabel were here, she'd be pushing her cheeks together and pulling the widest grin since The Grinch did when he stole Christmas. Or, maybe she is. You'll just have to wait & SSEEEEE...
"STOP IT, STOP IT! I'M THE MANLIEST OF MEN... EVEN THE MANOTAURS SAID SO!" Dipper was so desperate to restore some of his lost pride, he even got off his stool and started flexing his lickle muscles.
Sadly, for him at least, this just exacerbated the adorability factor a thousand fold, and some of the more elderly ladies seated in the back were chomping at the bit to give this cherubic whippersnapper a hug. Alas, those watching were still stuck to their chairs like chewing gum on a cinema's floor... I told you that, last chapter? Remember: sometimes, it's the littlest details that are the most important.
Realising that this not-so-impressive feat of power was conjuring up a storm of "ISN'T HE PRECIOUS?", rather than intimidation, the tux-clad Pines boy decided to try one last trick to show off his manhood to the captive fans (And when I say captive, I do mean it.)
Time to bring out the big guns.
He was going to...
DO TEN PUSH UPS!
He got down on his hands and knees...
And watched by a bemused crowd
With a worryingly turned-on Bill (ugh) commentating:
Dipper started the countdown...
1...2...
"Lookin' good!"
3...4...
"Workin' up a sweat now!"
5...6...
"Getting into the rhymth..."
7...8...
"YEAH! YOU GOT THEM IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND, BABY!"
9...
"THERE'S NO STOPPING HIM NOW, FOLKS"...
RIP.
"Hang on..."
"Since when did 'RIP' come after '9'?!"
"Maths has certainly changed a lot since I was a wee demon..."
"Wait..."
"That was no number..."
"That was the sound..."
"Of a pair of VERY tight pants..."
"Tearing in two, from over-exertion..."
"And, no prizes for guessing who they belong to..."
"That's right..."
"Mr accident prone himself."
"And what a nice shade of red he's turned!"
"Just the right hue I want to paint my bathroom."
"Hold it, Dip me boy..."
"Pose for a photograph..."
"SMILE!"
*CLICK!*
"HEY! Don't hide those BABBA boxer shorts!"
"They look GREAT on you."
"Honest..."
Bill finished mocking the clearly mortified pre-teen on the stage, and decided to try and get things back on track before word of the 'beefcake' and his feebleness got back to the girlies waiting behind the booths...And then, Dipstick would be left with NOTHING but six empty chairs.
Worst of all, the demonic triangle's crack at the big time would be ruined, RUINED forever. He'd just heard on the grapevine that Jennifer Lopez was leaving American Idol that season... Something to do with 'colonic irrigation'... And HE WANTED THAT SPOT. He'd do anything to get it... Beg, plead, cry...
Though, he drew the line at sleeping with Ben Affleck.
Snapping out of his revelry, Bill closed in on Dipper (desperately trying to hold together what was left of his flimsy trousers) and bopped him on the head again with his staff... To give him a nice little lump to grow alongside the first one.
"Come on DRIPPY Pines!" (The humanised isosceles made sure to emphasise that third word)" We've got two more questions to get through, so no more mucking around on stage with your comedy act, please. I know some ladies like a man with a sense of humour, but this is pushing it a bit too far... wouldn't you say?!"
Unable to argue with the new pronounciation of his first name now after his attempts at being the next Mr Universe spectacularly backfired, Dipper nevertheless had a new problem. "Err... Bill... I can't exactly show myself... In front of all these people... Like this..." He gestured at the tattered rags, which used to form his pants.
"OH, IS THAT ALL, PINE TREE?! You've got nothing to worry about... You've got nowt I haven't seen before..." Bill's eyes suddenly turned green, as his magical X-ray vision was turned on. ."Although, I must say, I ain't seen one THAT small in quite some time..." Dipper cringed for about the millionth time that night, and tried to turn away from the nosy triangle's intrusive gaze.
Let's just say, in the boys changing rooms at school, he wasn't exactly known as The Little Dipper'. for nothing...
"Come on then, I'll help you..." Bill rolled his eyes, before quickly, and with no warning whatsoever, grabbed Dipper and deposited the frantically struggling boy on his lap. A yellow armchair had materalised from nowhere (it had to fit in with the colour scheme of the studio, of course) and the obnoxious magical host had sat down on it... with Dip's rump positioned between Bill's legs.
"WHA... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Dipper was completely mollified at this turn of events, and tried, without any success, to go upright again. All Bill had to do was tap the base of the cap-wearers spine, and Dipper's whole body just flopped dead like a fish out of water, and he became as helpless as a paraplegic. The only part of his nervous system Dipper now had control of was from the neck up.
"There, that's settled you down!" Bill smiled at the limp figure on his lap "Don't worry, I'm not going to give you a SPANKING or anything! That is... Unless you want me too..." The triangle-turned-human grabbed Dipper's left ear and whispered... "Have you reconsidered my offer, perchance?" Giving it a slight nibble in the process.
"NNOOOO, never. Just... Get on with whatever it is you're doing. The sooner I'm back home, researching the journals, to find a way to destroy YOU, the better!" Dipper desperately jerked his head out of the maniac's amorous grasp.
Just think... Things were pretty normal before this summer...
"Tch, you're no fun. Nothing but an old stick-in-the-mud. Oh well, let's repair those pants shall we?" Using his mystical powers to conjure up a needle and yellow thread, Bill proceeded to start to mend Dipper's clothing expertly, all the time humming a very annoying tune... The theme to a VERY popular show about a dork and his friends who solve mysteries together. Can you guess what it was?
It was, obviously...
STEVEN UNIVERSE!
Easy, no?
In the middle of the activity of stitching the pre-teen's shredded rags (and poking his posterior a few times with his needle... A complete accident, of course) Bill suddenly remembered... THE AUDIENCE! They must be getting kinda restless by now... After all, they didn't come to see 'Darning With Bill' that night...
So, just for a moment, the triangle-turned-tailor looked up and grinned at the slowly-losing-the-will-to-live attendees, who had taken to counting their belly button lint or holding a competition to see who had the hairiest legs in an effort to stave off boredom.
(For the record, Lazy Susan won)
"SORRY ABOUT THIS UNSCHEDULED INTERRUPTION FOLKS!" Bill informed them. "BUT WE MUST MAKE OUR GEEKAZOID HERE PRESENTABLE FOR THE MADAMS! AS A SPECIAL TREAT FOR ALL OF YOU FOR BEING SUCH UNDERSTANDING INDIVIDUALS, A LITTLE SIDESHOW TO ENJOY...THE BILL AND BILLETTE DANCERS!"
The lights switched from Bill and his unamused charge, to a central part of the studio... Where the lights were dimmed... and a small child triangle was looking through a book of shapes. A female, larger triangle was with him, comforting the kid who was in tears.
"BUT MOM, I DON'T WANNA BE A TRIANGLE NO MORE! ALL THE CHILDREN AT SCHOOL LAUGH AT ME!" The infant sobbed.
"Billy, don't you know? Triangles are the best shape there is... In fact I've bought some friends along today to tell you why!" The woman triangle ruffled the kid's non-existant hair.
"Why do you mean?" The young triangle sniffled.
DA-DA-DA-DA-DA...
The music started. The spotlights turned gold. Lots of female and male triangles ran out from behind the scenes, wearing various costumes of other shapes. Then, there was singing.
Yes, really.
"SQUARES ARE SO SQUARE THEY'RE BARELY EVEN THERE..."
"CIRCLES ARE SO ROUND THEY'RE BOUND NOT TO BE SOUND..."
"DON'T FUSS WITH A RHOMBUS, IT'LL ONLY MAKE YOU CUSS..."
"BUT TRY...TRY...TRY"
"YOU CAN NEVER BEAT A..."
"TRIANGLE!"
Just before the beatboxer comes out, and the break-dancing begins...
The camera flips back to reveal those seated, who are observing this death of the arts with horrified fascination...
Bill looks up from his sowing, to stare at YOU, the reader.
Yes, it's fourth-wall breaking time.
CRUMBLE.
"Sorry we weren't able to squeeze Drippy's question into chapter three, but this cheap cloth just won't mend itself! I promise, as soon as my haberdashery is done, and our 'charming' contestant is in one piece, we'll be back... LATER! Or, tomorrow on )! For now, just go and read other fics... I recommend the many brilliant stories written by my good friend Anxresi... Who's real name... Like Pine Tree here..."
"OW!" Dipper was stabbed by a sudden thrust of the needle.
"SHALL REMAIN A MYSTERY! MWHAHAHAHA! *Bill laughter fades, as the chapter closes.*
(Don't worry about the six girls... They're frozen between rounds. More victims of Bill's sorcery. Heh-heh.)