"Hheellooo... And welcome back, one and all, to Pines Date!" Said Bill, as he gracefully bowed in front of the crowd, who had just witnessed one of the worst musical numbers in history.

It had been even more of a disaster than 'Springtime For Hitler'.

"Now, ready to ask his second question to all these lovely ladies, who I shall now release from the deep freeze, is DIPPER PINES! WOO HOO!" Bill clapped as Dipper made his way back to his own personal stool... Complete, with freshly mended trousers.

Wanting to get credit for his good work, The triangle-turned-human sidled over to the boy and pulled at the fabric. "LOOK AT THIS THREADWORK, PEOPLE. This is a truly professional job. Why, I doubt even Garak could do as well as me..."

"GET ON WITH THE SHOW, POINTY!" Grunkle Stan was not amused.

"YEAH! I HAVE TO GET UP EARLY TO FELL A 200 FOOT REDWOOD!" Manly Dan chimed in.

" I OPEN THE CAFE AT 5 A.M FOR ALL THE EARLY CUSTOMERS!" Lazy Susan was feeling less lazy than usual.

" AND I HAVE LOTS TO DO TOO!" Swore Toby Determined, which earned him a few strange looks from those seated around him.

"Like what?" Enquired Sheriff Blubs, who was the only lawman around who didn't have something in his mouth stopping him from speaking.

Toby looked around at all the expectant faces... Before finally putting his head in his hands in defeat.

"STARE IN THE MIRROR... AND CRY!" He confessed.

"Oh, yeah..." "That makes sense..." "Yeah, we can believe that..." The assorted voices around him seemed to agree.

"ENOUGH!" Bill pressed the button on his staff again, giving everyone there a short jolt. "I TELL THE JOKES AROUND HERE... IF YOU WANT TO BE FUNNY... YOU BECOME AN MIGHTY OMNIPOTENT DREAM DEMON... AND YOU MAGICALLY SUMMON AN AUDIENCE AND A STUDIO TO MAKE YOUR OWN GAME SHOW! CAN ANY OF YOU DO THAT?!"

*Complete Silence. Apart from a cricket chirping. Then, the CRUNCH of someone treading on it.*

"No? DIDN'T THINK SO! By the way... If there are any talent scouts here today, please forgive me for the occasional electic shocks you might experience. It's all part of my act, y'see... And you wouldn't watch me to compromise myself for the sake of the mainstream, would you?" Bill looked around, a few beads of sweat visible on his yellow skin.

"OH, WHO AM I KIDDING. AS IF ANY AGENTS FROM HOLLYWOOD WOULD BOTHER LOOKING FOR THE NEXT BIG THING IN A TINY, PROVINCIAL DUMP LIKE GRAVITY FALLS." The manical host shook his head. "ON WITH THE SHOW, AND AS FOR YOU..."

"What?" Said Dipper, who was twisting around on his stool (You should try it sometime. IT'S FUN!)

"STOP BEING SO CUTE! IT'S VERY DISTRACTING!" Bill growled. He refused to be upstaged by a nerdy plant.

"Eerr... Okay". The capped one complied. It's not like he was TRYING to be. It was... Just a natural thing, he guessed.

"GOOD! NOW, LET'S HAVE THE SECOND QUESTION! NO MORE DELAYS." (Bill started taking deep breathes...'Don't set up a seventh cubicle and put yourself in it... Don't set up a seventh cubicle and put yourself in it...')

"Right!" Dipper had had plenty of time to think about this... And he was sure, this one was a doozie. "Er... What do you most like about me?"

As the girls were freed from hibernation, and Bill grimaced at his lost opportunity, the answers started arriving thick and fast...

BOOTH NO 1. " I like the way you sneeze like a kitten, the way you held me when we were scared together at Summerween, and that secret little stash of Hentai you keep..."

"ENOUGH, ENOUGH! ABORT, ABORT!" This time it was Dipper who interrupted the answer. "Er, I mean... Thank you very much, number one... I do like a girl with a sense of humour... Heh, heh...Can we have Booth 2 please, Bill? QUICKLY?!"

"Sure thing, Mr Loli..." Bill gave him a wink, and a snigger. "I do hope your parents aren't watching this..."

BOOTH NO 2 "Er... I like watching Ducktective with you... And your fridge has some pretty cool stuff... Hey, do you like to wrestle? I could show you a few of my moves..."

"Okay, I think that's enough from Number Two for now..." Bill mused. "I'm not sure poor Pine Tree here would be able to survive such a rambunctious female... I mean, I've seen beaches with bigger mussels (muscles) than these". He pointed at Dipper's little noodle arms, earning himself a frown from the pre-teen, but laughter from the audience.

"You liked that, huh?" The host said, revelling in the attention.

(Secretly, though... He was thinking "Ah, how we hurt the ones we love).

BOOTH 3. Well, you were brave in saving me from an evil spirit I guess, and you did enable me to stand up against my tyrannical parents by allowing me to be my own person. On the other hand, I WAS grounded for a bazillion years because of you, so...I don't know..."

"Oh, the rich... As indecisive as ever" sighed Bill. "It must be a real puzzler... Having to decide if you want to take a bath in banknotes, or gold coins every day..." Again, there was a smattering of giggles from various corners of the studio.

"Gee, I sure am on fire today!" the triangle-turned-human smiled, which made the audience fear he was going to do a repeat of his earlier act by nearly setting the place ablaze with his unstoppable wrath.

Fortunately, that wasn't the case. It was just an expression. Duh.

BOOTH 4; "What DON'T I like about you, Dipper? We do everything together. Sometimes we argue, sometimes we fight... But we always end up stronger because of it. I've known you all my life. In fact, you could almost say I was your..."

"Let's pretend this is an Shalamayan movie, and save the spoilers till the end... Shall we?" Bill quipped. "Still, that was very touching... It reminds me of the mother I never met... In fact, I think I'm about to..."

Then, it happened. The most evil shape in the world. The demon who would enslave us all, given the chance. The scariest quiz show host since Anne Robinson . Burst. Into. Tears.

He started spraying water everywhere, like an out of control giant sprinkler. Instead of being burnt like the last time Bill had one of his 'episodes' though, now everyone was soaking wet.

Dipper realised he had to do SOMETHING. He got up off his stool, and put a hand on Bill's shoulder.

"Er... It's okay, man... We all get upset sometimes. I mean, look at me. You've dragged me out here against my will... Publicly humiliated me in front of everyone... And yet, you don't see me sobbing, do you? Come on, be a ma... Mutant Triangle, and try to be happy for me, pur-lease?"

Bill immediately turned the waterworks off, listening to that heartfelt speech. He turned to Dipper, who was giving the tearful host a sympathetic look.

Bill looked touched. He smiled at the pre-teen, and said nicely...

"Fooled you, didn't I?"

"What?!" Dipper looked confused.

" I don't HAVE a mother, graffiti-head!" Bill gave the boy a bash with his stick." I was created by the Dreamscape... To RULE the Dreamscape... What, you think floating triangles can procreate?! And exactly how do you think we do that... Hmm... Mr Biology Expert?"

"Uuummm I just thought... You were..." Dipper stammered, rubbing his temple.

"Well, you thought WRONG then, didn't you, Pine Tree. That was just another little routine of mine... And you FELL for it... Hook, line, and stinker. HA HA HA!" Bill laughed uproarously, while the younger Mystery Twin just frowned.

No way he was ever going to feel sorry for HIM again.

BOOTH 5 "Well, Dipper... I guess, we both have the same great taste in awful movies. And I love the way you can never keep a secret. Why, just the other day... I heard you mumbling to yourself... "If I ever see that lousy Doritohead again, I'll"...

" SSHHHH!" Dipper instinctively put his finger on his lips, as the LAST person he wanted to hear that little titbit of imformation listened with interest. " What I actually said was, 'If I ever see that lousy Doritohead again, I'll... Tell him he ISN'T so lousy... And then we can be the best of friends'!"

Bill looked at the pre-teen with a warm smile. "PINE TREE! D'ya really mean that? Would you ever want to become pals with... A useless shape like me?" The dream demon wandered over to the boy, and started gently pinching his cheek like an overzealous grandma.

"Yes, of course, Bill. Who wouldn't WANT to be friends with a WONDERFUL supervillain like you?!" Dipper spoke through gritted teeth, as the right side of his face was gently massaged.

"Well... I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!" Bill's kneading of the cheek became a strong pinch, and Dipper recoiled in shock. "And I'll be having words with Booth 5 during the intermission... If I find out it was anything nasty, in any way... You'll be for the high jump, my lad... High jump over the moon, that is" he added threateningly...

"UH OH" thought Dipper." Maybe that should be my cue to escape... Or I probably won't even make it to Round 3..."

"Last, and DEFINITELY least..." (Bill rolled his eyes) Need I even say anything else... It's the inimitable (Thank goodness for that) Booth six!

BOOTH 6: "Dipper, I could tell you all the wondering and amazing things that make you the incredible and perfect person you truly are. But, I'm not going to... Instead, I'm going to SING about them..."

And with that, the sound of a gentle harp started playing, and a lovely (actually, terrible) voice drifted from the booth, and into Dipper's ears. Assaulting them. Horribly.

"Dipper, Dipper

Faster than lightning

No-one can see

He's the boy for mmmeee..."

"THANK YOU DEAR, I PROVIDE THE MUSICAL ENTERTAINMENT ROUND HERE!" Said the indignant Bill as he took his earplugs out, wondering if his piggy bank could afford all the copyright rules the girl had just broken. "And that CD is out now in all bad record stores. Perfect for those family members you can't stand, or your most mortal enemies."

"Now that we've heard all six of our wonderful potential lady-loves, it's time for our old favourite... The Clap-O-meter! So, my lovely assistants... Please, wheel it out!"

The same female triangles with eyelashes from before emerged, pulling a device with them...

But it was not the same gizmo that had been seen after the first question (although, they looked similar).

This one was pink, and was covered with pictures of naked cartoon ponies... Spreading their most intimate areas... And had a photo of a fat guy with a beard on it... Pleasuring himself...

"OH WAIT, SORRY EVERYONE!" Exclaimed Bill, as the audience and Dipper looked at it in disgust. "I really need to start hiring triangles with ears. This is the CLOP-o-meter. Please ladies... Take it away... We'll need for after the fifth season hiatus ends..."

" AND DON'T MENTION THIS TO HASBRO!" He shouted after them, as another set of female triangles brought in the RIGHT machine this time...

So, here we go...

BOOTH 1. 6/10 (Her detective skills deserve some credit)

BOOTH 2. 3/10 (This is a dating show... NOT WCW.)

BOOTH 3. 5/10 (Stanley is still doing most of the running here.)

BOOTH 4. 9/10 (The crowd is moved by her sincerity, as well as intrigued by the mystery. Sickos.)

BOOTH 5. 7/10 (Who DOESN'T love poking fun at a terrible film? MST3K anyone?)

BOOTH 6. 0/10 (Need you ask?)

"And now that load of rubbish is behind us". Bill sighed "I'm off for a back rub, some black coffee... And to have a little chat with Booth five. WATCH OUT, PINE TREE!"

The host gave the nervous beyond belief kid a little tap on the head, before heading off to a well deserved break.

And, the adverts started again...

"BILLS, BILLS, BILLS! NOTHING BUT BILLS! IF THIS IS YOU, THEN BILL CAN HELP YOU... BY KILLING THE PEOPLE YOU OWE MONEY TO! CALL TODAY!"