The audience was muted. Dipper was checking his watch, sighing impatiently.
Even the male and female triangles, who were advertising Bill's brand of instant coffee granules (ISOSCELES shaped, of course) had stopped drinking their delicious hot beverages to stare at the camera.
It had been twenty minutes.
And the man with the cane was STILL not back yet.
"Where could he be?" pondered Lazy Susan.
"I dunno... But there's a question I've always wanted to ask you..." Replied Stanley.
"Shoot, babycakes" Susan replied back, fluttering her one eye in a flirtatious way.
"Why are you so weird? I mean... Even compared to the rest of the Gravity Falls residents..." Stanley was in a blunt mood.
"Whatever do you mean?" Susan scratched her head, as her white wig wobbled a little.
"Well... let's see..." Stan pondered. "You've worn the same dress for decades... You reek of cat urine... You always bring the wrong order to my table... You've filled up my answering machine with more messages than the taxman... And what's with the whole 'Cyclops' look?"
"I'VE NEVER BEEN SO OFFENDED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!" Susan said, in a huff. " IF THIS YOUR IDEA OF A FIRST DATE, I'M GOING TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW... AND YOU'RE PICKING UP THE CHEQUE!"
She tried to get up, but alas was held in place by Bill's magic.
"Oh yeah... And 'Has Memory Of An Amnesiac Goldfish...' "Stan added it to his list of reasons to Hate Susan, right next to 'Reasons to give Dipper all the jobs at the shack' and 'Reasons why I look cool wearing a fez' (No 1... BECAUSE I'M A FREEMASON, BIATCH!)
"If you two have QUITE finished" Ford remarked to his brother and the old hag "I've just remembered something. I have a HIGHLY volatile experiment involving nuclear fission, half a bag of jelly babies and a pound's worth of Waddle's waste. IF WE DON'T GET BACK IN FIVE MINUTES THE WHOLE PLANET WILL EXP..."
"AAANNNDDD WELCOME BACK TO PINES DATE... HE'LL KILL YOU WITH KINDNESS... HE'LL KILL YOU WITH FLATTERY... OR JUST KILL YOU ANYWAY... AND SEND YOU TO HELL! (Note the missing ' ) PLEASE WELCOME YOUR DEMENTED HOST, BILL CIPHER!..." Ford's warning was abruptly interrupted by the reappearance of the presenter himself, as canned applause echoed all throughout the hall now.
After the fake ovation had ended, and Bill had finished taking what must have been over a hundred bows, he straightened his bow-tie and put on his most serious voice. "Right, now. Down to business. First things first everyone gets a shock, for forcing me to substitute false applause for real applause..." The host pressed the button on his staff.
BUZZ!
YOWCH!
"Don't let it happen again! Next... Mr Announcement Guy... I'd like a little word with you..." The host clicked his fingers, and a random triangle with a unibrow and an old fashioned microphone appeared as if from nowhere.
The announcer visibly paled a lighter shade of yellow at the unexpected summoning, and sweat marks started appearing around his three sided visage. "Er... Yes, your omnipotent one, your magnificence... Your awe-inspiringness..." He spluttered, desperate to curry favour with the triangle turned man in charge of proceedings.
"ENOUGH BUTT KISSING." Bill demanded twirling his stick in the air. "I get enough of that backstage..." He turned around to wink at Dipper, who just responded with a blank expression.
Bill looked disappointed.
Frowning, the host turned back to the matter at hand. "Anyhoo, there I was, waiting to come on... Excited to meet my adoring public..." He gestured at the waiting audience, who merely pulled the same nondescript expression as Dipping Sauce. "And then I heard the intro to my glorious return..."
Bill's eyes suddenly turned to fire, as the whole room turned a dark shade of red. "DEMENTED?! YOU THINK I'M DEMENTED?! ALL BECAUSE I WISH TO ENSLAVE THE HUMAN RACE... KILL BILLIONS OF OTHER LIFEFORMS... AND ENJOY TAKING CANDY FROM SMALL INFANTS?! "It was getting hot in the studio... And there was NO air conditioning.
Phew.
The announcer really started to panic, his single pupil flitting around like a hamster caught in a microwave (don't ask me how I know about that). "Err..." He slurred... " No, of course not. I just think you're insane... Mad... Off your trolley... Completely loopy... And, a bit nuts, too." He added with a touch of confidence. He was SURE he'd be let off the hook now...
Bill begged to differ.
"RIGHT, THAT'S IT!" The apoplectic host turned into a living flame, and shot a plume of fire warm enough to heat a volcano at his careless announcer. Soon, there was nothing left at the spot where the hapless creature had once floated... Except for a heap of ashes on the floor.
RIP.
"Don't worry, I'll make sure that his remains get passed on to his widow" remarked Bill, removing his hat as a mark of respect, as a funeral dirge played in the background"She wanted him cremated anyway. And now, we need a replacement announcer... "The host went through his list of options, as one of his assistants popped up on stage to remove the black powder with a dustpan and brush.
The aide had just finished up sweeping the last remnants of the tragic victim of Bill's ire, when the host himself turned around and excitedly pointed at him. "WHAT'S YOUR NAME... SON?"
"Er, Philip, sir" Came the uncertain reply.
"Philip..." Bill mused. "It's okay... But I think we should change it to Phil... You know, so it looks better on the posters..."
"Um... Sir, if you don't mind me asking... What are you talking about?!" Philip was utterly perplexed.
"Well, I just believe that, when we tour as a double act ... PHIL and BILL would look so much better on the BILLing(ha ha) than BILL... And Philip..." The host smiled at his young hired help.
Philip dropped the dustpan and brush in amazement, allowing the ashes of his predecessor to be caught by a random (e.g planned) gust of wind, which distributed them the audience. "Y..you don't mean... Y..you can't mean..."
"THAT'S RIGHT, PHILLY VANILLY!" Bill stepped forward to squeeze his new partner's chubby cheeks (The ones at the back, that is) "I'M MAKING YOU MY SECOND IN COMMAND! You'll have all sorts of new responsibilities... Announcing... Doing my hair... Being my scapecoat I can beat to within an inch of their life if anything goes wrong... Making Pine Tree jealous when I obnoxiously fondle you in front of him..."
Philip (Now rechristened Phil), now doing the Gangnam Style dance in mid-air (GET WITH THE TIMES, MAN!) during his celebration, stopped what he was doing for a second. "What were those last two things, again?" He enquired.
"IT DOESN'T MATTER!" Bill reassured him. "Now, all you have to do if sign your entire life away to me. Don't worry... I won't touch your soul... Yet. That's right... Sign there in your own blood. And there. And there. That's it. Best decision you ever made, kid. Now, as part of the agreement... I promise that profits will be split right down the middle... 0.0000000001% to you, and 99.9999999999% to me. It's gonna be a roller coaster ride, kid. And I'll be your driver."
"WOW! I wasn't expecting such a generous salary!" Phil gasped at his new wage. "You truly are the king of kings." He saluted Bill, who in turn waved his stick over the poor sap, like the Queen knighting some corrupt politician.
"Now, go away you silly goose." Bill told his new partner. "And alert the media. Tell 'em there's there's a NEW kid in town... Who don't take no crap from NO-ONE. Not even those damn dodecahedrons. And his name is..." The host scratched his head for a minute.
"Who did you say you were again?" Bill wondered.
"Phil" replied the new guy. "But... YOU can call me whatever you want..." He added, simpering.
"I might just hold you to that..." Bill waved him off " See you later... Phil."
"Okay... I'll be counting the milliseconds..." Phil made his way out, before stopping for a moment to ask himself a pressing question.
"Wait a sec... Do roller coasters HAVE drivers?"
He shrugged his puny shoulders, before exiting stage left.
Dipper almost felt sorry for him. That... Thing... had NO idea what he'd let himself in for.
Key word there: ALMOST... He'd still swap places with 'Phil' any day compared to his current predicament.
"Now, what's next to do on the agenda...?" Bill unfurled a long list of paper with writing on it, which subsequently spilled out onto the floor...
Before it took on a life of it's own, and wrapped every single person in that room up Anaconda Style (no, no-one was shaking their buttocks) as tightly as Stanley's wallet was entrenched in his pants pocket.
So, while everyone was suffocating to Death, Bill was deliberating about what little activity to do.
Nice to see he had his priorities in order.
"Ah, yes... STANLEY PINES... I'M CALLING YOU OUT!" As Bill made his mind up, the list slowly retracted in length, allowing everyone to finally breathe again, and the healthy blue colour in their cheeks to gradually ebb away.
"I want a little word with you... You naughty old man!" Bill chided him in a childish way, wagging his finger up and down.
"Isn't it enough... COUGH COUGH... That you nearly choked me to death... Wheeze... And now, you want to inflict MORE damage on me?" Stan asked,as he recovered from his almost asphyxiation...
A bit presumptious of him to assume Bill meant him ill... But, looking at the host's recent behaviour, not an entirely unjustified one.
"NO IT ISN'T!" Boomed Bill as the whole room shook, before his milder voice kicked in. "Just before my ex-announcer made his little faux-pas, I happened to hear a little birdie tell me you said something rather nasty to this lovely young lady here..."
A spotlight suddenly appeared, and shone on Lazy Susan... Who could only respond by giggling embarrassingly and gesturing with her hand. "Oh, you!"
"How did YOU know about that?!" Stanley asked, his arms folded in front of him. "You don't even HAVE any ears... I see no ornithological life around here...And, if you're going to make spurious accusations like that... I WANT A LAWYER! As well as, a six pack of beer,a lifetime pass to the Swingers club... A few hundred dollars worth of Viagra...
"ENOUGH!" Bill decided to fly over and biff the incorrigible codger on the head with his cane. "In answer to all of your impudent questions" The host raged "I keep my ears hidden under my hat to deter thieves... I ate the bird for my dinner (it was delicious, by the way... With a sprig of parsley) And, I know exactly what you said, because just like your laughable God... I. AM. EVERYWHERE!"
All of the sudden, the spectators around Stanley had their faces morph to look just Bill's jaundiced, handsome features. They all started laughing, pointing, jeering, at poor Stanley... Who was cowering in his seat like a lil babe.
Dipper felt oddly at ease with the torture of his Grunkle. Was it wrong for him to get a taste of what the pre-teen had to experience ever since they'd arrived in this delusional world?
'Schadenfreude', I believe they call it. Look it up, you ill-educated buffoon.
Regardless, the people's faces soon turned back into their ugly selves, and Bill bashed Stanley on the bonce once again with his stick. "Now, what I was getting at was... You,sir are a bounder. A cad. An all-round, all-year long stinker. You have besmirched the name of this darling lady here... And for that... You must pay the penalty".
Bill pointed at Lazy (Lady?!) Susan with his stick, and the disgusting crone blushed at the compliment. She hadn't had this much attention from the opposite sex since that unfortunate incident with the lazer made her a walking freak with a dead end job. Since then, the only male company that could stand her were her tomcats...
Even they only really used her as a scratching post. And occasional litter tray.
Bill didn't seem put off with her, though. He grabbed Susan by her lapels, before kissing up and down her hairy, calloused arm, whispering sweet nothings in her ear... Making the yucky cafe owner giggle like a schoolgirl.
Everyone present gagged. This was one of the most powerful beings in The Universe... He could have any male or female his sick little pointy head could desire...
And he chose... THE BRIDE OF FRICKING FRANKENSTEIN?!
It got even worse when he squeezed her mammary glands...
They were hanging down so low, he had to reach for her midriff.
The straight talking Stanley had seen enough. "Bill, If your aim was to gross us all out, then I have to congratulate you: Mission Accomplished. Now, you've succeded in making us all see what we all had for breakfast yesterday... I gotta ask... What is the point in this charade? You can't possibly find that sea monster... Attractive." He cringed at the thought he once had a 'thing' for her.
Thank goodness, he had the foresight to get new glasses the next day.
Bill looked like he was going add a third lump on Stanley's scalp, but changed his mind. "Au contraire, mon ami " He told the old man. " Don't you know only the BEST individuals have only one eye... Peter Falk... Sammi Davis Jnr... ME..." He leered at Susan, who continued to chuckle at his flirting.
"That's why... (I'm sorry, my darling... But I must leave you for a minute)..." Bill stood up to face Stanley, leaving behind a visibly upset Susan." I demand VENGEANCE! A duel, TO THE DEATH! ON THIS LADY'S HONOUR!
"Hang on..." Said Stanley, raising an eyebrow "I'm not even sure if she HAS any..."
All of sudden, Bill clicked his fingers again... And Stanley found himself centre stage... All dressed up, like a musketeer.
Bill was also attired in similarly old fashioned attire... With a sword in his hand. "EN GUARD!" The manic host challenged Stanley... And the old miser glanced down to see he also had a holstered sabre.
Nervously pulling it out, he was just in time before Bill was upon him. "THAT'S FOR MY SISTER!" Said the host, as his swipe was blocked by Stanley... (Just)
"THAT'S FOR MY PET DOG, BOW WOW!" Bill lunged at him again, this time Stanley parried the blow "B...but I've never done anything to your sis or pet..." The old man stammered to no avail.
"And this... IS FOR ALL THE POOR PEOPLE YOU'VE SCAMMED OVER THE YEARS!" Bill unexpectedly made a sudden stab at the trouser pocket where Stanley's wallet was securely stored away...
The blow connected.
A ripping sound could be heard... As both fabric and money container were torn. As if from nowhere, through the hole ten and twenty dollar bills with wings started flying out like butterflies. They flew towards the audience, who made exaggarated leaps towards them... Stuffing the notes in their pockets as soon as they were caught.
Stanley was aghast. WHY hadn't Bill pierced somewhere less important... Like his heart, or his brain... At least then he'd still be a wealthy corpse.
"HOW COULD YOU... YOU... DESPICABLE FIEND! I KNEW YOU WERE WICKED... BUT THIS... THIS IS BARBARIC!" Stanley berated Bill, before throwing his blade on the floor and jumping up and down on it. Yeah, that'll help.
"Ah, music to my EARS." Bill took his hearing organs out from under his hat to prove that yes, he did have them. "Yes, I'm a cruel, callous bastard. Only you, and trillions of other lifeforms have discovered that over the years. Well done. I did tell you you'd PAY the penalty, didn't I? Not EVERYTHING is a metaphor. Now, return to your seat... I wish to get on with the program".
Bill snapped his fingers again, and a now penniless Grunkle Stan was returned to his seat... Still wearing his ancient garments from before. "HEY, WHAT HAPPENED TO MY CLOTHES?!" The old man spluttered.
"Oh, I saw how much you LOVED wearing those togs... So, I'm letting you keep them. Don't worry about paying me back for them... Consider if a gift, for helping me find... The Girl Of My Dreams". Bill gave a little wink to Lazy Susan, who responded with the same gesture.
Ah, young love!
"WHY YOU..." Stanley started up again.
But Bill wasn't listening. He'd turned his despotic attentions to Dipper, who'd been laughing all throughout his Great Uncle's humiliation.
Man... It felt GREAT when the boot was on the other foot for a change.
He stopped his hysterics a little when he noticed Bill's eye trained on him. "Something amuses you, Pine Tree?"
"Well, it's just... With the sword... And the money... Then, the stupid costume..." Dipper started chuckling again.
Bill patiently waited for his merriment to die down, before the host asked him in a serious tone. "I see you're having a good time... I fear that mood will not last for much longer..."
Dipper immediately took the hint, and stopped his incessant laughter "W..what do you mean?!" he asked tenatively.
"I mean..." Bill briskly walked over to the boy with the birthmark, so he was standing directly over him " Do you remember what I said I was going to do during the intermission?!"
"Uh... No" replied Dipper. Even though he actually DID, and it was making the pre-teen feel more and more edgy.
"I said I was going to have a little word with Booth No 5, about some very nasty names she alleged you called me." Bill looked rather cross. "You denied it... But, thanks to reliable sources I have placed EVERYWHERE, I found out she was telling the absolute truth. That I was a... What was it you said again...?"
Bill decided to refresh his memory..." He waved his hands, and a flashback appeared on a giant screen." ...If I ever see that lousy Doritohead again, I'll..." Sounded out Dipper's unmistakeble voice. The host watched this, while eating some popcorn from a bucket he'd conjured up.
"THAT WAS IT... A LOUSY DORITOHEAD... How could I forget such an inventive insult... Silly me!" Bill rolled his eyes, while Dipper started to tip-toe away... Afraid of the consequences if he stayed...
"AND JUST WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?!" All of a sudden Bill turned around... As the unfinished popcorn turned to marbles that rolled across the floor, tripping a now sprinting Dipper up, before they spherical items carried him over to the annoyed host.
"Picking him up bridal-style, Dipper could do nothing as Bill held him in a hypnotic gaze. "So, you lied to me. Do you have ANY idea what happened to the LAST person who compared me to a high calorie snack treat?" That fire was burning in the host's eyes again.
"...No?" Dipper was frightened out of his wits, yet he couldn't move a muscle.
"Trust me, Pine Tree... You DON'T wanna know. They're still picking what's left of him from all over the multiverse. In fact... I must remember to ask Phil to help me out with that task later..." Bill paused thoughtfully.
Dipper swallowed deeply. Oh. Dear. He really was in some serious doo-doo.
"HOWEVER" Bill sighed. "Call me an old softie... But, I'm going to let you live. Besides, I'm pretty sure that none of these lovely girls behind the screens want to take home a bag of intestines today..." he remarked graphically.
Ick.
"PHEW!" Dipper was relieved beyond all measure "Thank you SO MUCH, Mr Cypher... I swea, you won't regret this. From now on... I'll have nothing but nice things to say about you... Just wait and see!" He grinned at the unimpressed host.
"Don't be so hasty in your gratitude" Bill commented. "I'm still going to torture you half to death for your grevious insults."
Oh. Dear.
"But..t" Dipper tried to protest, but it was too later. He was already being carried to Bill's punishment room at the back.
Think of Christian's secret sexual torture chamber in Fifty Shades of Grey... With hundreds more instruments of pain and degradation.
"Just think of it as a game... Pine Tree." Bill smirked, as the iron door was closed behind them. "The more you scream, the less hard I'll be on you. Or is it... The other way around. Hmm... Guess you'll have to find out through trial and error..."
Dipper continued to beg for mercy, before the entrance was shut... And silence reigned.
It was obviously another break. The audience waited for another cheesy commercial to begin...
Only, instead they got the static of a loudspeaker being turned on, and pumped into the studio... Accompanied by the sounds of whipping being heard, along with tortuous screams of pain.
"Ah... WHIP... Don't pretend you don't... WHIP... love it... WHIP... Pine Tree... WHIP. And after... WHIP... We've finished... WHIP... With this... WHIP... You can have a good old long session... WHIP... In the Iron Maiden... WHIP."
(Clue: He's not talking about the washed up Rock n Roll band)
Bill paused from his exertions for a minute, and decided to address everyone. Yes, even you, the reader.
"Hope you enjoyed Part Five of my show... Sorry we never got round to the girls... But you must realise now, there's a set formula here... Odd chapters = Madcap fun... Even Chapters = The ladies. So I'll see you in Chapter Six with Dipstick here... Or, at least, what's left of him by then..." Bill goes back to what he's best at... Causing untold misery and suffering.
WHIP!
AARGH!
BONUS: Stanford: Um... Shouldn't we like, go and help the kid? It sounds like he's taking a bit of a battering in there...
Stanley: Nah. Serves the squirt right... Laughing at me losing all my 'hard earned' cash like that... And this stupid outfit... By the way, brother...
Stanford: What is it, Dartanian?
Stanley: HA HA, very funny. What I was going to say was, what did you mean before, before you were cut off... "The Whole World Will Exp..." Is it anything we need to worry about?
Stanford: What? Oh, THAT. No... Not at all. What I was going to say was: The Whole World Will Experience a sudden rainstorm today, because of my meddling with the weather patterns... And I wanted to bring in my nerd jackets that are hanging to dry outside. I don't want to disprove the theory of relativity, when I'm soaking wet... Do I?
Stanley: Uh, guess not. But, what about that dude who shouted "EUREKA!" When he jumped in the bath? Didn't his genius originate from a drenched state?
Stanford: No, that was just a coincidence. Now if you don't mind... I'd like to enjoy my nephew's agony in peace. I get the feeling he's going to break the sound barrier in a minute, with all that screaming. Might make for an interesting thesis...
Stanley... You're a sick man, Ford.
Stanford: What was that?
Stanley:... Nothing.