Breathing in Snowflakes
The moon was full and high but whatever glow it mustered up was blocked by thick clouds plastering the skies. I could hear the low murmuring of voices around me and the snapping of broken grass under walking feet. All the lights in the Burrow were off, making the building look like the dark and looming silhouette of some nightmare. It reminded me of the thing that little kids' parents look for when they check under beds at night. Like somewhere I've never been, or never known. I took one more look at the house that had been my second home away from home and couldn't feel any emptier.
I pulled on the hat Molly had found time to knit for me in the chaos of packing and unpacking and packing again, and turned to follow the group trekking ahead. Like runaways stealing into the night, we moved quickly, almost noiselessly for a group this size. My boots sunk into the shallow snow. Falling flakes stuck to my lashes.
"Oi George, you wouldn't happen to have the –"
"Recipes for our new line of gag sweets? Of course, they're in my third pair of –"
"Boys," Mrs. Weasley warned. On any other occasion, I would've chuckled at their antics. Even then, even when we were leaving with no intention of ever setting foot again in the place that rose several generations, they still found something to joke about. Maybe I didn't laugh because I still partly blamed them for the Ginny fiasco, even though they couldn't have known. Perhaps I just didn't have anymore laugh left in me.
I reached into my coat. A whispered spell later, the tip of my outstretched wand was aflame with a pinprick of bright white light. I could now see the wisps of my breath and the hard packed snow at my feet. I caught sight of a large rock and sidestepped it, muttering a warning to whoever was walking behind me.
"Thanks," was the hushed reply. I tensed for a second but kept walking, convinced that I was just hearing things.
We didn't talk when we were in her room earlier. A day before and we would've at least tried to make light conversation about Hogwarts, about dinner, or about this thing or the other. A few shared thoughts, and some comments here and there. It was never that quiet. The room was flushed in a periwinkle blue, a colour I've never seen on the walls before. I didn't try to guess the emotion behind it. I just wanted to pack fast enough so I didn't have to spend more time than necessary choking in the void she'd created. I stayed on my side of the room and she stayed on hers, and we both pretended that the other didn't exist.
With my free hand stuffed into the side pocket of my coat, I used my wand to part the tall wheat plants that somehow managed to grow despite the weather. My numb fingers felt prickled with pain. I'd give quite a few things for a pair of mittens to go along with my hat.
"All right everyone," came the voice of Tonks when we made it to a small pond. Each person settled around her in a loose circle, all thirteen of us. I could see the tired dark circles around pairs of eyes, evidence of a sleepless night that was no doubt mirrored on my own face. You know that kind of sleep when you slept, but you don't feel like you did? When one second you close your eyes and the next, hours have passed but you don't know where they went and all you want to do is curl up under the sheets again but you can't, or else the world will catch up with you, so you get up and drag your feet downstairs and pour yourself something hot? It was that kind of sleep. I could tell just by the sluggishness in their stance and because that's the only kind of sleep I've been getting for weeks too.
We all looked haggard beyond our years and I realized that I wasn't the only one who had to grow up too fast. We were all kids here. Well, most of us anyway. And those who weren't were just as scared as we were.
A gust of wind blew harshly, making my cheeks burn. Ice-covered branches rustled in protest and frozen stalks scratched against my arm. Fleur coughed and Bill wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her into his warmth. My heart gave an ache at the gesture and almost without meaning to, I stole a glance at Harry. The expression on his face, or lack thereof, made it hard to tell exactly what he was thinking or if he was even thinking at all. He was looking at Tonks as if she was about to tell us how to win the war.
"This is it. Portkey's set to go off in three minutes whether you're holding onto it or not."
Everyone mumbled to themselves. Some adjusted the knapsacks they had on their backs. Others looked over their shoulders, trying to catch one more glimpse of the crooked house even though it was far behind us.
"Well come on then, quit standing about," Arthur said. He tossed a coin at Fred who caught it by reflex and closed it in his palm. When he looked up at his father in confusion, I saw the moon's reflection in his pale blue eyes. I couldn't stand it. They reminded me too much of Ron's.
"That's so you two can find us later." He said. Most people, sensing the finality of the moment, began clustering around an old tire. "Make sure you get her there and then apparate to a safe zone. Send a Patronus if something...if you need any help."
"Heh, I can look after myself," Ginny said, crossing her arms over her chest.
"You've sure been doing a good job of that," Ron mocked. Ginny's glare was cut short by a bloodcurdling howl that sounded too close for comfort. A tremor wracked through me and everyone else glanced nervously amongst themselves. Those who hadn't already drawn their wands reached for them with trembling hands.
"Be quick or else you won't get her back before curfew," Arthur continued, "And don't get distracted."
"Us, distracted?" Fred teased.
"Never," George finished, with a wink.
The howl was forgotten when they both hooked an arm with one of Ginny's. I didn't miss the mischievous smiles on their faces. The fiery redhead between them glimpsed at me for a second before focusing on Harry, who was standing a bit off to the side with both hands tucked under his armpits.
"Take care of yourself."
"I always do, don't I?" he replied with a grin.
I didn't know what to think of their little exchange. I didn't want to think at all really.
"Luck be with you, Harry," George said.
"Yeah. We're all rooting for ya," Fred added. "You too, Hermione."
I, ever that agreeable afterthought, gave a wave just before their portkey sucked them in with a loud whirl. Harry stared at the spot where their feet made impressions in the snow.
"You two next," Tonks announced, nodding at me. I took a step forward and started saying the few words I scrounged together earlier that day.
"I – we would just like..." They were the kindest, most loving bunch I'd ever met and there was a good chance I wouldn't be seeing some of them again. I was tearing up. "We'd just like to –"
"Thanks for everything," Harry interjected, looking around at the brave group of redheads. They had smiles on their faces, but I could tell it was a conscious effort to keep up the moral. This was the only time I didn't mind him interrupting me. "You've all been a great help."
"Family looks after family, Dear. No thanks needed," said Molly as she placed a kiss on his cheek and pulled him into an embrace only a mother could give. "Eat well and don't be getting into any more trouble."
She released him and his shaky smile mirrored hers.
"No problem."
Without warning, Molly scooped me up in a hug as well. I was taken aback by it and ended up letting my arms dangle freely before hugging her back just as tight.
"Look after him for me," she said. I nodded, wiping my face with the sleeve of my jacket before the tears could freeze on my cheek. I didn't expect such a gesture but I relished it all the same.
"Thirty seconds. Hands on the portkey," Tonks chimed. The interruption startled me. Reluctantly I slipped out of Molly's arms, and was embraced instead by a strong gust of wind that made my scarf flap wildly in the uproar. I tucked it back into my coat as I made my way over. Just as I reached for his outstretched arm, someone grabbed my shoulder and spun me about.
"Before you go..." Ron started. His fingers, probably as numb and prickly as my own, were shaking whilst he gave me a folded piece of parchment. He closed my hand around it and squeezed my fist.
"Read it later." His eyes flicked to the raven next to me. Whatever he saw must've made him add the next part. "Alone."
His pleading gaze burrowed into mine, trying to convey what he couldn't say aloud. I knew what he wanted because it's what he's always wanted. It's what he whispered about in the dead of night in the tent when he thought Harry was sleeping and I thought his fever was just getting too high. For us to run away together, to get away from it all and start over. Just him and I. He wanted me to choose once and for all.
There was no going back after this.
He was still holding my hand.
"I can't," I said, answering the silent question.
"Are you two done?" A voice broke through the muddled haze in my mind. I looked behind me to find Harry tapping his feet impatiently and glowering at us. It was clear that he wasn't asking if I was ready to go. He meant that he's leaving whether I'm coming with him or not.
I pulled my hand out of Ron's and shoved the note into my pocket. Harry held out his arm and I took it, letting him lace our fingers together. He pulled me close and I squeezed my eyes shut.
A second later, we were falling off the face of the Earth.
It was nights like those where I wanted to just nestle under a blanket and let my head be filled with toasty thoughts and light dreams. Harry and I would do things like that, only he would be the pillow and I, the dreamer. We'd wake up really early, before the sun was up, and just lay there until we inevitably had to move. The touches, the awkward conversations, the feeling that poets wrote epics about moments like those; that's what I craved. I chuckled to myself. Harry hadn't said one word to me since we left the Burrow a few minutes ago. What gave me the idea that we'd even sleep in the same bunk tonight?
Snow was pouring from the sky like there was an infinite avalanche going on in the clouds. It was coming down in sheets, drowning out the heat from my charms. Wind was flirting through the frozen tree branches and running along my skin. I was so cold that my shivers had shivers and I couldn't hear anything but the sound of my laboured breathing and the chattering of my teeth. It was still and eerily dark but instead of sitting around a fire, we were walking the perimeter of the first barrier and checking for leaks and breaches, magical or otherwise. I could already tell that the glamour held up fine since, if I hadn't known any better, I'd think we were staring at a barren clearing.
I drew my wand and lazily flicked it about in the air, trying to bring up any invisible traps. At best, the only thing I could make out was a patch of dirty, disturbed snow. I shuddered again, partly from the cold but mostly from the memories rushing at me when I walked over to that spot and saw everything happening as if in real time. Me leaning over him. Him, gasping for air. Both of us scared out of our wits, or maybe that last part was just me. Feelings I wish melted by then were clouding up the windows in my train of thought.
"Everything seems fine," he called out. I barely heard him above the howling winds in my ears but I nodded all the same.
"Over here as well," I responded, realizing that he probably couldn't see me. My reply was swallowed up by the dense foliage. It didn't matter. He was already moving by the time I caught up with him. It was a silent walk.
Nature did such a good job of disguising the tent as a mound of white that I nearly walked past it. Harry cleared the bit that blocked the entrance before stepping inside.
"What a sty," he muttered after he lit the two nearest gas lamps. He grimaced at the haphazard clutter of gauze and cloths and books and all other manners of useless things I tossed from the beaded bag in my hurry. It looked like a blizzard got in the tent and had a go at it in our absence.
"Maybe if you weren't so busy dying, I would've thought to sweep up a bit."
"Touching, Herms. Really touching," His voice was acrid and dripping with sarcasm. He wasn't in a very good mood, and was making sure that I was well aware of that. Things hadn't been too well since our last disagreement, and it's had me wondering if I mucked things up or if they were just always this messy.
I placed my coat on the table and it slid off, adding to the deplorable state of the floor. He frowned at it disapprovingly and said, "Tergeo clarus."
Objects began zooming across the room and rearranging themselves into their rightful spots. A half-filled bucket of water-turned-ice careened towards me and I ducked, failing to be amazed by his clumsy use of wandless magic. He fell back on the bed and tucked his hands behind his head of disheveled hair.
I could sense it starting just as much as I could feel a migraine blooming at my temples. The fighting, I mean. It was as inevitable as a car crash where the brakes are out and my seat-belt was jammed and all I could do was sit there and scream whilst the other car comes hurling towards me. Where, just before I'd black out, there would be a flash of light and the scene would stop and start over like a tape stuck on loop. I'd have to relive the terror of it all, over and over and over again, until we finally crash.
The sound of yawning pulled me out of my elaborate daydream. My eyes focused just as my brain got back to the present. The now. The calm before the storm.
"Rest up. We leave in an hour," I said.
"But it's so damn late," was the immediate reply.
Where was my umbrella?
"Our position could be compromised, Harry."
"It's not. We checked."
"Just because no one attacked us yet doesn't mean they don't know where we are."
He sighed in annoyance and the sound echoed in the small enclosure.
"Why do you always have to make things so bloody difficult? I don't see why we can't do this in the morning."
"Technically it is morning," I said.
"You know what I mean."
"I also know that the tent's been sitting here for days."
"So what harm could a couple more hours do?"
"That's beside the point."
"Then what is the point?" he asked.
"You tell me."
I wondered why we were doing this, why couldn't we just let things go like normal people. Surely it wouldn't be too hard to just collect our things and leave. We had so much practice at doing it that we could probably pull it off in our sleep. Surely it wouldn't be too hard to just sleep either. It really was late, or early, if we were being pedantic. We could do either of these things, but choosing one over the other meant giving in at a time when all we seemed to be doing was giving out and giving up. With the way things had been going recently, it came as no surprise when we choose to do neither.
I reached for a copy of Skeeter's Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore, figuring that the whole night didn't need to be a waste. The nine-hundred-page tell-all behemoth could keep me busy for the next few hours. I had just cracked the spine open to my last place when I heard him ask, "Are we going to fight all the time now?"
The question sounded bare, and almost vulnerable. It was so soft that he couldn't have been talking to me. I glanced over and got the feeling that he hadn't meant to ask that, that it slipped out uncensored. It was too late to unhear it so I answered, "It depends. Are you going to keep being a wanker?"
"I'm not doing it on purpose. I just…" He sat up abruptly, swinging his legs over the edge of the bunk. "What the hell was that, Hermione?"
"What was what?"
"That," he said. His face twisted to another grimace. I could imagine him recalling the sight of us and pictured how we must've looked holding hands and murmuring quietly about notes and maybe later's.
"We were just saying goodbye."
"Goodbye? I wear glasses but I'm not blind," he spat. The canvas walls felt like they were closing in on me even though I had no reason to feel guilty. "The way you two, I dunno, talked to each other. It was disgusting."
"I could say the same about you and Ginny."
"That has nothing –"
"It has everything to do with it!"
"Oh for Merlin's sake, it meant nothing to me. As I must've said a thousand times."
"You also said you'd broken up ages ago."
"Are you calling me a liar?"
"Are you calling me a fool? Why would she do that if –"
"Because she's unstable. Because she's lonely. Because she just didn't know about you. How could she have known, Hermione? I didn't have the chance to send an owl yet."
I couldn't recall when I had gotten to my feet. The sensation of stinging tears at the back of my eyes made my nose crinkle. He was making sense, but that didn't make it hurt any less.
"How'd it feel?" I asked quietly. Harry raised his eyebrows.
"How'd what feel?" he responded.
"How'd it feel when she –"
"Do you know what a lust potion is?"
"I do –"
"Then let it go. Let it go, Hermione. Just let it go." He sounded exasperated as he pleaded with me. "I can't make it unhappen."
We were going around in circles and saying the same things over and over again, getting nowhere. I was glaring at him like we were strangers made to live together for some scripted reality show and this was the part when I storm out and Harry turns to the camera with "What a crazy bint, that one?" or something of the like. The program would cut to commercial break, after which there's either a big blowout or an equally big make up. Now minus the cameras, the stage lights, and the script and you were just left with us. Alone.
When I didn't should any signs of letting it go, whatever it was, he sighed heavily and held his hand out.
"Come 'ere," he said, all traces of annoyance gone from his features. I stood still, wary and confused by this sudden turn of events. He rolled his eyes. "Doesn't it hurt your head to think so hard about everything?"
It did, actually. Without any reason not to, I walked over to him whilst unconsciously counting every step. When I took his outstretched hand, he said the words we both were thinking, but too proud to say.
"It appears that we've come down with a case of the green-eyed monster. The cure? Forgiveness, forgetness, and… and some other F-ness word I can't remember right now."
I laughed. I didn't want to, but his way of going about things was endearing.
He grinned that lopsided grin of his. I knew it was only meant to placate me but I let myself get drawn in by my green-eyed monster. The fighting had to stop sometime. Now was as good as ever.
"I think you're right," I said. I sat down on the bunk. "Jealousy does things to people. It makes you mad and say things you don't mean..."
He waved his hand dismissively.
"All is forgiven. As long as you forget that little remark from earlier."
"Which one?"
"All of them, preferably."
"Only if you kiss me first, you git."
We were both smiling so hard that our lips only barely pressed together. Warm breath ghosted against my cheeks and the sound of us breathing filled my ears. I brushed my fingertips across his face and butterflies worked their way into my gut, fluttering about like snowflakes in a blizzard. I couldn't feel any warmer.