Author's Notes: Hope everyone enjoys the new chapter. Thanks as always to Prothrombintime for feedback and suggestions.
Chapter Twelve
March 27th, 2004 (continued)
Ianto moved swiftly into his bedroom and roughly stripped off his suit, uncharacteristically leaving it in a crumpled heap on the floor. Taking off his shirt and adding it to the pile, he pulled on a pair of worn jeans and a black t-shirt. After a detour to the bathroom to splash some water on his face, he collapsed onto the sofa and buried his head in his trembling hands.
He'd helped Jack to load their unconscious pterodactyl into the SUV, and then they'd driven back separately to the Hub. After assisting Jack with temporarily settling the creature in one of the large rooms in the Hub's lower levels, he'd made a hasty and cowardly departure, unable to face the other man for a moment longer.
His mind was reeling, replaying the scene at the warehouse over and over with unwavering clarity. Lying on top of Jack on the cold, dirty floor, hopped up on adrenaline from capturing the pterodactyl, he'd succumbed to his desires and kissed the older man. He'd kissed the man who was his boss... his very male, very masculine boss... the man who was over one-hundred and seventy years old, who couldn't die, and who looked like he was still in his thirties. He'd kissed Jack with more passion than he'd ever kissed anyone, including Lisa, the woman he'd once loved. He'd kissed Jack as if his very life had depended on it, relentlessly plundering his mouth until they were both gasping for air. To his surprise, Jack had kissed him back with an equal amount of passionate desperation. Ianto had loved every moment of it.
He hadn't known what it would feel like to kiss another man. It had been different, but not as much as he'd expected. Jack's lips had been warm and soft, his mouth hot, wet and delicious, and although there had been a slight scrape of stubble against his skin, he'd enjoyed the sensation, finding it unexpectedly sensual. It didn't hurt that Jack was a fantastic kisser. He was more than fantastic, he was phenomenal. Ianto supposed that with Jack's very long life, he'd had plenty of time to hone that particular skill, and undoubtedly many other associated skills as well.
Then he'd felt Jack's erection through the layers of their clothing, pressing against him and matching his own heavily aroused state, and reality had immediately come crashing down. Breathing rapidly and overwhelmed by his actions, he'd pulled away and scrambled off the other man. He'd quickly retreated behind a mask of detached professionalism, busying himself with the task of transporting their newly adopted pet back to the Hub. Jack had risen to his feet and stared hard at him for several long, awkward moments. Surprisingly, he hadn't said anything, he'd simply assisted Ianto with the task at hand.
Ianto felt utterly mortified. He'd acted unprofessionally, allowed his self-control to waver, and given in to his baser emotions. Besides the whole Jack being a man issue, Jack was his boss, the person he worked with every day, and someone who he'd begun to think of as a friend. There was also the monumental age disparity. Based on physical appearance, Jack was almost twice his age. In actual fact, Jack was old enough to be his great-great-great-grandfather.
He could no longer deny that he was lonely, and he missed the touch of another person. In truth, he'd been lonely since Lisa had broken up with him, and his fragile self-esteem had taken a significant battering from her rejection. He knew he should be trying to find someone his own age to spend time with – someone female... someone uncomplicated. Rationally, he knew it was what he should do. But it wasn't what he wanted. He wanted Jack... he only wanted Jack.
He wanted someone he could connect with, someone he could talk to about anything, everything, or nothing at all, someone who was a part of, and who understood this strange life he'd chosen. He wanted someone who he could lose himself in, someone who made him feel exhilarated and alive. And now that he'd experienced just a tiny glimpse of what being with Jack could feel like, he wanted it quite possibly more than he'd ever wanted anything.
Groaning despondently, he dragged his unsteady hands through his hair, berating himself for being so pathetic and fanciful. He needed to pull himself together and get over his strange, unhealthy obsession with Jack Harkness.
A loud knock at the door drew him abruptly from his confused thoughts. He looked up with a start, instinctively knowing who was at the other side of the door. He swallowed nervously and reluctantly stood up. Steeling himself, he went to the door and opened it. "Jack, um... hi."
Jack was looking back at him, his features set in a peculiar, inscrutable expression. "Ianto, I think we need to talk."
Ianto nodded stiffly and gestured for Jack to enter, mechanically removing the man's greatcoat and hanging it up beside the door. He retreated to the sofa, sat down again, and clutched his hands nervously between his knees. Jack joined him a moment later and sat down next to him, keeping a few inches of space between them.
Breathing out a sigh, Ianto summoned his courage and turned to meet Jack's questioning gaze. "Look, Jack, I'm sorry about what happened... I shouldn't have..."
Jack held up his hand. "Ianto, stop. You don't need to apologise. I'm just not sure if I understand what's going on here." He paused, scrutinising Ianto with the familiar soul-searching intensity that caused Ianto to want to squirm self-consciously. "Considering that you told me you don't like men, that was one hell of a kiss."
Ianto felt a rush of heat rise to his face. He shook his head firmly. "I don't... I don't like men. But..." He looked down at his hands, unable to hold Jack's gaze. "I like you," he admitted in little more than a whisper. "I'm attracted to you. I don't understand it. I..."
Jack rested his hand on Ianto's knee and squeezed gently. "Is this why you've been acting so strangely all week and hiding in the archives?"
"I wasn't hiding," Ianto protested, staring down at Jack's hand for a long moment before reluctantly lifting his eyes to meet Jack's once more.
Jack raised a questioning eyebrow.
Ianto sighed heavily. "All right, yes, I was hiding. I've been a coward."
Jack chuckled slightly, causing Ianto to scowl at him. "Oh, Ianto. Why didn't you talk to me about this?" Jack's features softened from amusement to something closer to sympathy. "You said you think of us as friends. Aren't friends supposed to be able to talk to each other?" He breathed out a sigh, looking chagrined. "But I know it's not easy. I've never been particularly good at talking about my feelings either."
Ianto shrugged. "You're also my boss."
"True," Jack agreed. "But this has nothing to do with work. I won't deny that I prefer not to get involved with the people I work with. I've done that before and it doesn't usually end well. But..." He moved closer and hesitantly reaching up, he traced his fingertips gently over Ianto's cheek, the same way he'd done the week before. "For you, I'd make an exception."
Ianto looked at Jack incredulously, but he savoured the comforting warmth of Jack's hand against his skin, and this time he didn't make any attempt to pull away. Although their kiss at the warehouse had been intense, he'd never seriously thought that someone like Jack could be interested in him. "You would?"
Jack nodded as he stroked his hand once more over Ianto's cheek before lowering it back to his side. "Surely you noticed I wasn't unhappy when you kissed me?" His expression became surprisingly uncertain. "Why? Do you regret doing it?"
Ianto knew he could lie and say it had been a mistake, and that could be the end of it. But he couldn't do it. He couldn't lie to Jack. "No. No, I don't. It's just that..." He trailed off, not sure what else to say.
Jack smiled briefly, a flicker of relief passing over his features. "Ianto, you're so young. And I don't mean that to sound condescending. I suppose everyone seems young to me." He paused and Ianto could see the now familiar vulnerability and pain in Jack's eyes. "You're still discovering who you are. Perhaps you're starting to realise that your sexuality isn't as black and white as you once thought. That's not a bad thing. It can be amazing... opening yourself up to all kinds of new experiences and possibilities."
Jack paused again, a hint of a smile forming on his lips. "And I know you're someone who likes to be in control all the time. You want to understand everything and put it all into neat little categories. There's nothing wrong with that. But maybe this is something you can't define or control." He shrugged slightly. "Those quaint labels that you people are so obsessed about... do they really matter? They're just words. What really matters is being true to yourself."
Ianto nodded thoughtfully. Intellectually, everything Jack said made sense, but as he was quickly realising, this wasn't an intellectual issue. He'd never doubted his sexuality before, and he'd definitely never thought about doing anything sexual with another man. If he hadn't met Jack, he probably never would have considered it. And yet, here he was, with all these new uncharted desires he wanted to understand and experience, and it seemed that Jack was both interested and willing.
He looked at Jack for a long moment, admiring his striking, classically handsome features in the soft lighting. He was inexplicably drawn to this strange, amazing, impossible man. A part of him wanted to simply disregard his feelings as some bizarre infatuation, the product of his loneliness perhaps, or a projection of his deep sympathy for Jack's situation. But he'd tried to ignore his feelings and it had only made him confused and miserable. He didn't want to repress or subjugate his desires, or look back with regret on something that could have been amazing and potentially life-altering. He wanted to be brave enough to take a chance, and no matter how difficult and confronting it might be, he wanted to explore and understand his feelings about Jack. For once, he wanted to act his age, just say to hell with it, and see what happened.
"You're right," he said eventually, offering Jack a small self-deprecating smile. "It's all a bit new to me, that's all."
Jack nodded, smiling back at him gently. "So, where do we go from here? What do you want, Ianto?"
Ianto didn't respond immediately. He wasn't entirely sure what Jack was offering, and he also wasn't sure what he was willing to offer Jack in return. Jack's face was so close, his warm, moist lips were so incredibly tempting, and Ianto felt a surge of feverish desire begin to take hold of him once more. "Well, I'd like to kiss you again," he said with more confidence than he felt.
Jack grinned salaciously, his blue eyes sparkling with what seemed to be a mixture of desire and mischief. "You would, huh?"
Ianto nodded, his heart racing as his crotch became uncomfortably tight. "Yep."
Jack moved in closer and cradled Ianto's face in both of his hands. "Hmm. I think that can be arranged."
Their lips touched. Ianto brought his hands up to rest around the back of Jack's neck, stroking the smooth skin and pulling him closer as their kiss slowly deepened. Jack's tongue brushed across his lips, and Ianto willingly opened his mouth, allowing Jack to enter and eagerly explore. Ianto groaned with pleasure and he began to probe Jack's mouth with the same insistent determination. Just like in the warehouse, he soon found himself lost in Jack's warmth, taste and scent. In that one perfect moment, all his doubts and confusion slipped away. He didn't want it to end.
After what seemed like several minutes, but was still far too soon, they pulled apart with a soft gasp, their foreheads resting against one another.
"Ianto, you know, you shouldn't be too hard on yourself," Jack murmured, a devilish smile creeping across his face. He briefly pressed his lips against Ianto's and then pulled back, gesturing at himself. "I mean, look at me. When you think about it, you really didn't stand a chance."
Ianto rolled his eyes in an exaggerated fashion, but he was unable to hold back an affectionate smile. "Still struggling to overcome your self-confidence issues, sir?"
Jack laughed with obvious amusement. "There's my snarky Ianto back again. I've missed that."
Ianto tried to ignore the fluttering in his chest from Jack referring to him as 'his Ianto'. It was good to hear Jack laugh. It didn't happen very often, but he loved Jack's laugh when it was so carefree and uninhibited. It was the same laugh he'd heard at the warehouse earlier. He clasped Jack's face in his hands and pulled him into another deep, hungry kiss.
Ianto sighed when the kiss finally ended. "Stay?" he asked tentatively.
Jack stroked his hand through Ianto's hair and then caressed his cheek again. "Are you sure that's what you want?"
"I'm sure." Ianto stood up, hesitantly offering Jack his hand. Jack looked uncertain for a moment, but then he took Ianto's hand in his own, and after he'd risen to his feet, they kissed again.
"Come on," Ianto murmured, leading Jack into the bedroom.