Love Struck

Chapter 192 – I Won't!

Shadow's POV

The sound of the gunshot rang in my ear as Raptor shot it to the side of my head.

Gently I let go of his hand and watched as he lowered the gun to his side.

"I won't!" He shouted as I stared into him with shock and confusion.

Raptor looked back up into my eyes and immediately tossed the gun aside.

"I won't!" He cried as I went to take a step towards him.

Raptor held his ground as I got close. As soon as I was close enough he pushed me back and I stumbled to keep balance as he shouted.

"Don't come near me!"

I stood back now as he looked back at me.

"Why Shadow!?" He asked in sadness as I replied.

"I was only doing what I was told."

Raptor gave me a look of confusion and asked.

"What!?"

Looking right into his eyes I replied.

"Death! Death said I had to kill Shade and him in order to bring back my family!"

Raptor stared at me in confusion as I explained.

"He said he could bring them back to me and all I had to do was what he told me!"

"Killing Ghost was part of that!?" Asked Raptor as I replied.

"Yes! But I only did it because I had no other choice!"

"You didn't have to kill him!" Stated Raptor as I replied.

"I had no other choice!"

"Your fucking insane!" Stated Raptor as I gave him a look of shock.

"Killing Shade and killing Ghost is murder! Death doesn't exist! Your talking to yourself!" Shouted Raptor as I cried.

"He said he could bring back Amy and my son!"

Raptor immediately approached me and replied.

"It's been five months since they died Shadow! If this was possible would you expect them to come back looking normal!?"

I went silent in shock as he grabbed my hand.

"When they passed I understand you must have changed but becoming a murderer isn't who you are! I know you Shadow! I'm not saying your crazy, but this person doesn't exist!" He stated as I looked up into his eyes.

"Your my best friend Shadow, I know your not crazy but this is hard to comprehend! I know what it is like to lose both the love of your life and your first kid! Fuck! I even killed mine!" Stated Raptor as I lowered my head in sadness.

"Your own brother killed your first baby boy and it wasn't even a day after Amy died giving birth to him! I know that must have killed you! I know it was hard! I know it changes you, but this! This isn't who you are!" Stated Raptor as I replied.

"It's not just that Raptor! I lost who I was the moment I died back there in Afghanistan!"

Raptor quickly asked.

"What happened!?"

Looking into him I replied.

"I met Death! He's as real as me and you! He met Ghost as well! He gave us both three tests! The test of Pain! The test of Love and the test of Choice! Over time when we met Death Ghost and I had to solve these tests! It was like facing our worst fears so that we might overcome them and live! He always made it worse and worse! We never broke though! We kept coming back and fighting, but each time it kept getting worse! I remember after I killed my brother Dark and had that heart attack! I saw him there too! He offered me the chance to get back Amy and my son! After everything that has happened to me Raptor I have nothing left but this! All I want is to see them back in my life! And he knew this! So he told me what I had to do! He took me over that night I left the base! He preformed a ritual on their grave and then he let me go! He said now I had to do the rest and kill a friend was first! That's when I killed Shade! After that when you found me he said he would be back when I was feeling better so that I was able to kill Ghost! By then all I wanted was Amy and my Son Raptor! That's all I want and for some reason when he told me to kill Ghost I didn't feel a need to hold back! I just did it! Only then did I feel the heaviness of my actions! I killed basically the only family member I had left! I know what I did was wrong, but now I have to keep going! I have to kill Blaze! He told me too! Then after this he said there would only be one more to do then I could have them back! You have to understand Raptor! I'm not crazy! I'm being a father!"

Raptor stared into my eyes with shock and confusion.

Letting go of me he backed away and I stared at him in tears.

"Please Raptor! I'm not crazy! I know what I saw and all I felt was real!" I begged as he went silent.

"I'm not crazy!" I stated as I fell to my knees in front of him.

Raptor stared at me in a speechless look and I cried and cried as he backed away.

"You have to believe me!" I stated as I fell on my front before him.

Raptor's POV

I stared at Shadow and watched as he went still.

I don't know what to do now. What he said scares me. I don't know what has happened to him, but it is clear he is acting as a desperate father. He wants to see his family again and he will do anything to get it to happen. He convinces himself that Ghost and Shade were necessary in doing so and I can't begin to understand what is going on in his head, but I still don't think he's insane. I think he needs to see clearly. I can help him. I know I can.

Looking around I saw no one and quickly got down next to my tear filled friend. He was unconscious. The overwhelming sadness must have burned him out.

Gently I picked him up by his sides and lifted him up to his feet.

Carefully I dragged him to the door and rested him down on the wall. I stared at him as he slept and slowly I took a seat next to him.

Looking to my side I found the gun and his blade. Taking them both I looked back at Shadow to see him still resting.

Slowly I unloaded the gun and rested both the ammo and the gun itself between us. Once it was there I took the knife and rested it on my lap.

Feeling unsure I took Shadow's arm and rolled up his sleeve. I nodded at the cut marks and quickly covered it up again.

Taking the blade I went for my arm and rolled up my sleeve to find old scars. The memories came back. After I lost my family I use to drink and cut myself. I stopped only when I found out I was only hurting myself. My officers always tried to keep me away from the pain and once I learned I was hurting others it came to a halt.

Placing the blade on my scars I remembered the feeling it use to give me. A calm relaxed feeling. It always seemed to take away the pain in my head. I know for a fact that is what Shadow feels too. I know what he's been through. I just think he needs to see that I understand.

Slowly dragging the blade into my old scars I watched as blood began to come out. I had my eyes closed as I cut myself and once it was good enough I stopped and let the blade rest. I was right though. Calm and relaxed.

Looking back at Shadow I took the gun and loaded the mag.

Quickly I forced the gun in his hand.

After it was set I looked up at the fireworks and shut my eyes.

Shadow's POV

I opened my eyes to see I was still on the roof, but away from where I fell before. Raptor must have moved me.

"Raptor?" I said as best as I could as I looked to my side.

I widened my eyes in shock to see he was next to me with his arm cut open by my blade. It rested on his lap.

"Raptor!?" I screamed as I went to move.

Immediately I moved to see I was holding my gun.

"Aghhhh!" I screamed as I tossed it away.

I watched as it landed a few feet away and in fear I focused back on my friend.

"Raptor!?" I shouted as I saw him flinch.

"Raptor!?" I screamed as he opened his eyes to stare at me.

"Shadow?" He said in confusion as I asked.

"What happened!?" I asked as he looked down at his arm.

"Why did you cut yourself!?" I asked in confusion as I applied pressure to his cuts.

Raptor quietly replied.

"Because I understand."

I widened my eyes in shock and replied.

"I don't understand!"

Smiling he replied.

"Because your not clear."

"What are you talking about?!" I asked in confusion as he replied.

"I understand everything you've been through. I went through it all Shadow! I know you feel like you can do something to bring them back but we both know you can't. I tried to bring back my daughter and lover. In the process I killed my mom. I killed my dad. I killed my sisters. My brothers. My friends. I killed everyone that little person in my head told me too. But it never made the difference because he was never really there. He was never talking to me. He was never seeing me. I never saw him. It was all a lie and a trick. He deceived me into killing all I cared about. In the end though...I realized I was the crazy one. I almost lost it and killed myself in the process. I only stopped from doing that when I found out the war was over in Afghanistan. I found out you stopped it and I heard you were coming to help us. So I gave you control and I found out to myself that there was still hope. Before that I never saw the war ending but you showed me hope. You showed me all was not lost. I took what you gave me and found myself again. That's all you need to do too. You need to find the reason. You need to understand Shadow that that man who you call Death is not really there. It's just you talking to yourself. Your talking to your conscious. Nothing else. Your not crazy. You just need to see it. See past the lies your mind is telling you."

"But Ghost saw him too." I stated in tears as he replied.

"He lost his mother and father before that. I bet he started to see what you saw way before. It was just more controlled till he lost more like Dove."

"But we use to see each other in there with that man." I stated as he began to pass out.

"Raptor!" I shouted as I got him to look at me.

"You two were like brothers right?" He asked as I nodded.

"You two were close. Way too close. I bet it was so close your minds acted the same and you both pictured and thought of one another at that time of near death. When he thought of you it was his chance to want to live. Same to you. When you did those tests. Who was in them that you had to kill?" He asked as I replied.

"Maria. Amy. Ghost. Dove. Midnight. Nexus."

"All the people you love and care about right?" Asked Raptor as I nodded.

"You thought about past memories and what you could have done different for a reason. It was to show you the other side of what might have happened and to give you a reason to live. When you saw Ghost that was not him. It was your mind showing him to you so that you felt something other then loss. He was your happiness in the darkness. And you fought for him or whatever you saw so that you could live to see it for yourself." Stated Raptor as what he said made sense.

"Your not crazy Shadow. Your just having a fight in your head. That man you call Death is you. He was always you. He is your mind. Your sanity. You are the reason Ghost and Shade are dead. You murdered them just like how I murdered my mom in the middle of the night. We're both crazy, but I understand now. It's only you who can come to terms with yourself. You have to let them go. Forget about Amy and your son. Forget about what you could have done different. If you forget about those two things you won't ever see Death again. I haven't seen him since last winter when I finally found out his game. I don't want you to end up like me. I murdered over fifteen people before I realized. Why do you think I protect all my men the way I do? Because I feel it is a way to make up to all I have murdered for the wrong reasons."

I watched as Raptor began to pass out.

"Your not crazy. But you have to see and forget for yourself. Please Shadow. Try to understand. I know it's hard to think you can't do anything to see them again, but it's going to be the only thing that saves your life."

"You murdered Ghost and Shade. You'll never see them again and everyday you know they could be here with you still if you didn't lose your mind. But it was the cost of gaining back your sanity. I'm sure both Ghost and Shade understand. They're not mad at you. They love you. Same as me. I will always be here and I will always love you Commander...?"

Raptor passed out and immediately I fell back on my butt in shock.

"This whole time I was going insane and talking to myself. Death was never really there. He doesn't exist. I've been so blind and look at what I've done to find this out. I lost Ghost. I lost shade. I lost Amy and both my kids. I lost myself. Raptor was the only one who I didn't lose. Because of him I see this now. I see clearly. I see what I did was wrong and I plan to change that. Starting with him. I need to save you Raptor and show you how much care. Then I need to finish this war."

"I'm sorry everyone. I'm sorry Shade. I'm sorry Ghost. I'm sorry Amy. I'm sorry Maria. I've been so blind. I lost you all and it's my fault. I can never make it up to any of you. I don't know who I am anymore, but I do know I still can make the world right. I will do everything I can to make every last person on this planet safe. I will save the world for all of you. Especially you Ghost. I'm sorry. I betrayed you as a brother. I hope you forgive me."

So there you have it everyone. It is a lot to process but I'm here to help if you have any questions. In short though. Death never existed and both Shadow and Ghost have been going crazy. After all this though. It should have been clear to all of you. So yes Amy is gone. Shadow just came to his senses. But look at everything he has done and lost to finally understand this.

Let me know what you think.