2-4

I was afraid that Mami wouldn't be able to hold her liquor, so I ordered some Amazake for her. Apparently, she got insulted by this so I upped the ante with Sake. Now after the rice wine, we still weren't down, so I decided to just drop my assumption that Mami never drank before, and ordered a couple of Johnny Walkers and waters.

"So, Mami-san, how do you find the drinks?" I asked.

She shrugged. "I don't feel a thing."

"You're saying that now, but later you'll drag yourself all over the floor." I laughed. "It's a shame that Momoe-san's not here yet, though. Girl's usually more punctual than this."

The place I brought her to was a little cubby hole of a place; the brick basement of a building just near where I lived. It was the type of bar where they hung up framed records of unknown singers on the brick walls, old black and white (sometimes sepia) photographs, and an old LP player. Not usually my type of place, but there were very few people, it was quiet, and they served pizza. Our table was a round one with a single lampshade in the middle, with the rest of the bar being quite dim. It was like drinking in candlelight.

I would've liked to hear Ithzak Perlman play Bach's Chaccone on an LP though. But then again, who drinks to that?

"Maybe she got caught up in traffic," Mami mused.

"Traffic? You don't get traffic here, not in the Cycles. You just close your eyes and boom, you're here. Doesn't even take two seconds."

"Maybe she's just… in the middle of something."

"Wouldn't be the first time; she's always busy with something," I offered. "Maybe that's what's stressing her out. What do you think?"

We had already been chatting for an hour about life in the Cycles. Of course I was careful not to talk about things like how Mami died, but I was really curious about what was happening on Earth before she left. Up to now though, no such luck; in a conversation, there's a flow, but it seemed that the flow here hasn't reached the place where I wanted it yet. I had to keep steady. But to be honest, I was running out of things to talk about with her, and the warm buzz in the back of my head wasn't helping things either.

"I don't know. Maybe. By what you told me, you two seem quite overworked there," Mami said.

I sighed. "Yup. A couple of beleaguered bureaucrats. It's a wonder why we haven't gotten any raises. Then again, we don't need any raises up here…"

While Mami took up another shot, I thought of something.

"Hey, Mami-san, don't you want to sign up as an Agent? I mean, you did mentor me and all… yeah, that should work. You'd make a great teacher." I scratched the back of my head. "Then again, you might put me out of a job though, eheheh…"

She shook her head, the white feather on her cap just like an immaculate feather duster. Why did I notice that? "I don't know about that, Miki-san. I wasn't really all that great of a magical girl..."

When I heard this, I got real angry. Of course I didn't show her, but… I don't know exactly why I did, but I didn't like hearing Mami say that about herself. "What are you talking about? You were the best one there! You taught me and Kyoko to fight, and look at how we turned out. Remember that time when we went out to clear the Wraiths from North Mitakihara? You practically took every single one of them out; you didn't even leave anything for us."

She crinkled her eyes. In the hard yellow light of the lampshade, they sparkled. "North Mitakihara…"

"Yeah, don't you remember? The Miasma got too thick there; took around a week to clear too. We had to work all-nighters, right? When we're at school, everyone's like, 'Hey, Sayaka, did you study all night or something?' And I'm like, 'Yeah, sure, whatever,' and they go, 'So why did you fail the test, then?' We even started having these lines under our eyes, but you, Mami-san, you were flawless. How did you do that?"

"I don't know." She shrugged, and then smiled at me. "Luck, I suppose."

"Don't give me that; you were a hero, hands down. Even Kyoko couldn't help but think so too. Well, she never did, but it shows… sometimes."

"You give me too much credit," she said.

"Because you deserve it," I told her. "You were a real hero, Mami-san. Like, you were the only person I really looked up to during that time. You were calm, you were powerful, you were… all sorts of things. Rolled into one and… and…" I sighed when I lost the words. "You were just awesome. Not like me..."

"Don't say that, Miki-san."

"But it's true. Even in your past life you were the girl who's in charge. Madoka, the Goddess of the Cycles? You mentored her, you know? And you were just as great battling Witches as you did fighting Wraiths. And I was just still… whiny-old Sayaka who couldn't even freaking… kill Familliars by herself or whatever."

I looked away from her, ashamed of myself. It was true that Mami was way better than me as a magical girl, but I shouldn't get mad at her because she was simply longer in the business then I was at the time. Of course she would be more experienced.

What the Girl was really mad at was herself.

While I was thinking of nothing in particular, I felt something on my glove. I looked; Mami's hands were on them. She was sad. Her eyes were still glittering, all of her other features glowing in the soft yellow light.

I think I had a dream like this once. My mother was reading me a story to see me sleep good night, or telling me bad news, I don't know. She had the same look on Mami's face.

"Miki-san, you don't have to say that about yourself," she said. "You've changed a lot from the old one I've known. You're more mature now, more like an adult. Look at what we've talked about: Your job is to fight alongside Madoka, right? Isn't that worth something?"

I shrugged. "I… I dunno. I guess…"

"Then what are you so sad about? I don't get it."

Of course she would say that. Mami didn't know anything. I didn't want to tell her anything either; she didn't deserve to know the things I did. It might be too much for her.

I didn't want anybody to know the things I did.

"It's… It's a little complicated, Mami-san."

"Now it sounds like you broke up with your boyfriend," she said. "Everything can be both simple and complicated; it all depends on what you want out of it."

"I… don't understand."

Mami's hands were really soft and warm. For some reason, I was too fixed on thinking about them. Those fingers, long and slender fingers…

"Don't do that to yourself, Miki-san, please."

The fingers slowly peel off my gloves. They intertwine themselves with my own fingers, sharing warmth. Smooth palms touch.

"You don't have to torture yourself like this."

My hand and her hands, they feel each other, sharing warmth with each other. It's the only warmth left in existence. Her hands go up my wrists, my elbows, my shoulders, before pulling me in for a kiss.

"You can't be sad forever."

My hands were under the table, on my thighs. She still had the same face on, but her hands held a glass of water.

I held my breath. Was… was that a dream?

"Miki-san," she said. "Are you listening?"

"H-Huh? Yeah—yes. I was," I answered, apparently not. My head was still all about her hands.

Xxx^.^xxX

Unwrinkled white blouse, little tight green skirt, curvy thighs in taut black socks. The Girl couldn't get these images out of her mind as she walks with her Mentor out of the bar. It is slowly becoming the night she was imagining: A warm body, cold wind, hot breath. Hands tied together in a bid to avoid getting lost, her Mentor is hopelessly inebriated, the Girl too.

It dawns on the Girl that she could definitely sleep with her. It is just a hunch, but the Girl knew that her Mentor wouldn't mind at all if she just made an advance. The Girl has every reason to, no reason not to. She had always wanted to dominate her Mentor, somehow be better at her at something. Maybe The Girl wanted to take her Mentor's place. But shouldn't she? Would that be acceptable? She could easily lead her Mentor to her own place; she wouldn't have been assigned a room yet. The Girl argues with herself the whole time they walk.

At least, pretends to. Whatever sates her inner morals.

It is useless. She knows what is going to happen. It is inevitable.

Xxx^.^xxX

Do all girls in the Cycles call out for their mothers during sex?

Thank Madoka we took it slow this time. I wasn't too big on getting tired anyway. It was a relaxing change of pace, at least.

I offered Mami some coffee, instant café au lait. Surprisingly, she accepted. Whatever made us warm, I guess.

Leaning on the headboard of my bed, I looked out of the window again. Just the same as last night, lots of stars. She was leaning on me, clinging on my arm. I could smell her hair. Rose? Lavender? Lemon? I was never that sharp with smell, but I knew one thing: It was good. Mami was warm. I had never been with someone so soft either. That's good; We both needed warmth in this awfully cold room.

"They don't know what they're talking about," I said. "Every single one of them. I try to tell them, but they don't understand. Don't they know what they're getting themselves into? Nobody understands. I think it's me who has the problem."

"Maybe it's them who have the problem, not you."

I shook my head. "No, no. If I was a good teacher, I could easily tell them. Don't be an Agent. That's it, right? That's all I have to tell them. I try, really try, but I can't get it out for some reason. It… it frustrates me."

"You're only frustrating yourself, Sayaka. You don't have to worry about them. Worry about yourself."

"You're right, but… I can't just let them go through what I did. I don't want anybody to go through what I did, do the things I did..."

"That's all in the past. Don't think of those anymore. Think about now, what's in front of you. You can't stay stuck in the past forever."

"I'm trying to. I really am, it's just..." I shook my head. "I don't know. Am I even making sense, Mami?"

"Just let it all slip by and just…"

She went up and pulled me down into the bed, wrapping both her arms around me, legs tied. She drew close to me, and I felt her breath tickle my ear, hot, moist.

"…let go."

"I don't know. Can I?"

"Of course, you can."

"What we're doing right now… Kyoko, if she finds out…"

She shook her head. "That doesn't matter now."

"But a lot of other people… they don't let go of the past so easily."

"Who are you talking about?"

"…Madoka," I said.

"And what about her?"

"We have breakfast all of the time. Soon, you will too."

"And what happened when you had it with her?"

"Today, nothing much. She's stressed, says that it's becoming too hard for everybody on Earth. I think she's sad about your death."

"Really?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"I don't think you're bothered about that, though."

"Of course I'm bothered; you died. Do you think I won't feel sad?"

"I'm not talking about that. I was talking about Madoka."

"Oh."

"Is there anything you want to tell me?"

I was at war with myself. Should I tell her, or not? Maybe I should, but that didn't mean I would win her sympathy. Mami might even get mad. Up to this point, I never considered telling it to anybody before.

"It's Madoka, she… I think she's trying to make me into a different person."

"Funny," she said. "I had the impression that you didn't like sharing Madoka."

When I heard what she said, I think my chest popped for a moment. Good thing I was able to suppress it. "How did you know that?" I asked, calmly.

"Just a hunch. With how you talked about Madoka being a Goddess, being everywhere at once. You say that you're her best friend, but she has to be best friends with a lot of other people. I wouldn't be surprised if you became jealous."

"Oh. Maybe that's true… Maybe I was lying that time. I don't know. But now, I think I told you that we had lives before we fought Wraiths, right?"

"Yes."

"Madoka, she… tends to mix me up with… old Sayaka. Like it was really me or something, you know?"

"Right."

"I just can't understand it sometimes. Why can't Madoka just accept me as… me? She seems like a nice person enough, but I'm different from old Sayaka. For reals. Technically I'm not even her, right?"

"She sees you that way; having those memories of the old you, she can't help herself."

"Yeah, but I was… born different. Or reincarnated different. Or, or… bleaugh. Whatever. I really appreciate what she did for me with letting me see Kyosuke's concert, but really, all these tapes she's giving me, they all make me see a girl I don't even know."

She knew that I was talking about the blu-rays. "So why even watch them?

"I dunno, maybe I just… didn't want to hurt her feelings."

Mami stayed quiet for a while, before whispering something. "That's very kind of you, you know."

"I'm not kind. I was never kind. Maybe that's why I hate being old Sayaka. Because we're exactly alike."

None of us had anything to say for a moment. I was afraid that the silence would fall into awkwardness again, so I tried to talk about something else.

"Tanhauser Gate," I said. "Do you know what Tanhauser Gate is, Mami?"

Mami stayed quiet. In her breaths, I could feel her waiting for my words.

"It's this big mouth of a… wormhole. At the edge of the universe. It's so far away that even death doesn't exist there. So far away that an hour there is almost… I dunno, it just takes a really long time back on Earth. It's one of the many, many bits Madoka had never reached—her hope, I mean. Beyond that wormhole, it's darkness. Darkness everywhere. You can't even see your own hands, and you doubt that you're even alive. You are alive there, sure, but... it's just that something else is alive in there with you."

Images come into my mind, none of them anything I wanted to see. I felt like throwing up, but I resisted, clenching my teeth.

"Imagine that hole, just with thousands… hundred thousands… millions of Witches swirling out of it like a sort of vortex, a snake rising out of its hole. Never-ending. We fight at places like those… almost every week. Just seeing it could make you die four times over. It's there you can… you can see how much a girl can do to another girl."

"But they're already dead, and you're not," she said. "You're here."

"That's the problem. I'm here because I already am, right?"

She smiled. Her lips in the silver light shined, softly, lending credence to its honesty. "I'm not talking about that kind of dead, silly."

"I know, I know."

We stayed together like that for a while, admiring the light outside. It was almost a dream, having a view like this of the stars.

"We are the dead," she said out of the blue.

For me, it had some sort of solemn meaning, and I couldn't help but let the sentence stay stuck in my head.

"We are the dead," I repeated.

It was another silence again. I hated these silences.

"You know Mami, I think I… I did lot of bad things to you."

"Don't' say that."

"All that time I've… I've spent looking up to you. Idolizing you, I never… never really spent time to see the rest of who you were."

"Stop it, Sayaka."

"I never once thought that you were a person."

"That was over; please…"

"I'm so sorry… I'm so, so sorry…"

I was meaning to tell her a few more things. But again, I had been dragged into the rabbit hole of sleep.

And so concludes Day 2... Two left.