Chapter 42: No.
I sat back and sighed, putting my head in my hands. Why didn't she understand? I wasn't ready to face the possibility of losing her yet. Not after what just happened!
What did she mean by that last part, 'And I'm not letting you get in the way of that.'? I let it echo around my head for a while, and my throat went dry. She couldn't possibly think of breaking up with me, right? I shuddered at that thought. I was confident that I would not be able to live without her anymore.
I bit my lip to keep from letting the tears fall and just horribly wished my parents were here. They'd help me think of something. They'd help me somehow get out of this. They'd give me a perfectly good solution that would somehow solve the problem.
I looked around this room. It was practically mocking me, reminding me of my house, and how they weren't around anymore. I concentrated on the Shrieking Shack's inside. I didn't want to be in a place that would remind me of Lily. I just hoped Moony wouldn't mind. I opened my eyes and looked around once more. I was now leaning on the old bed that was put here for Moony. I looked up and sighed. Three sets of pitiful eyes were on me.
"I don't think she meant that, mate." Padfoot feebly tried to assure me. I sighed. Yes, she did. And even if she hadn't meant it while she was saying it, she would definitely mean it now. She never said things she didn't mean, no matter how irrationally she was thinking. Things would slip out of course, but she'd almost always realize that she did mean what she said.
"I, if you don't mind me saying, think that you should stop feeling sorry for yourself. And possibly let us help?" Moony said, being the ever-wise one. Everyone needs that wise friend. They're just not complete without them.
"Yeah, I agree. The sooner you can figure this out, the sooner you can forget about it." Padfoot added. I just wished it was that simple. Something told me it wasn't going to be. But, first, I needed a little analysis of the situation. We were such girls when it came to this type of stuff. . .
"Can you three just forget about my feelings and honestly help me? Because there's no way I'm letting her join. I'm not going to let her put herself in that type of danger everyday. I can't lose her." I explained.
"Prongs, she can take care of herself, you know that." Moony said lightly.
"She's not going to like being all alone while yougo fight everyday." Peter added quietly.
"Then I'll not join with her!" I said stubbornly, crossing my arms over my chest. They exchanged an alarmed glance. Good. They knew I was serious now! Maybe we'd get somewhere.
"You're not letting this go, are you?" Moony asked fearfully. I shook my head.
"Now that we're all on the same page," They exchanged a glance, but I ignored it, "Please, all feelings set aside, can you help me figure out what just happened?" I asked them again. They didn't need to answer, I knew they were going to help.
"Should I think of it in her point of view, or in general?" Moony asked, already a master at both. It was what I used to make him do after every conversation I had with her, before we started dating.
"Err…both, please?" I requested.
"Well, the way I think she sees it," He always adds that, as some kind of a disclaimer that he might be wrong, but he usually never is, "She's got nothing to lose - no, let me finish - her parents are dead, her sister and brother-in-law hate her, and us and Marlene are her only friends. She's restless Prongs. She wants to do something. You've noticed the way she looks at all those deaths in the paper. I think she wants to do something and do it once she gets out of here. She doesn't want to wait until 3 years of training to do something. The Order of the Phoenix just conveniently comes running her way. She's going to make the most of this opportunity." Moony said. "And in general, both of you are being terribly irrational, and not listening to each other, and that's never good. You need to understand each other." He finished.
"You know how stubborn she is. She's not going to stop until she gets what she wants." Padfoot added.
"And your abrupt 'no' didn't quite help, either. You set her off." Wormtail added, and the other two nodded in agreement. I had quite the struggle, trying to keep quiet and suppressing my arguments.
"But I still can't lose her. You know how dependent on her I am! What happened last year, in January, definitely proves that." I reminded them, referring to the time I threw myself off the Astronomy Tower since I thought Lily cheated on me, when she was actually under the Imperius Curse. They shuddered at the memory. "And you know what bothers me the most?" I continued, anger rising in me once more, "She never mentioned this once to me. I had no idea that she wanted to do this! I thought she was still aiming for the Academy! Clearly she's been thinking about this for a while, and since we're along so often, she could've brought it up at any time! But she didn't!" I fumed. They exchanged another glance, and it was almost a sarcastic type of glance. "What?" I snapped. They shook their heads. "I'm going to bed." I said angrily, turning the room back to the familiarity of my room back in my house. They looked at each other and quickly left. I pulled myself on to the bed behind me, pulled the covers over my head and turned off the lights.
Meanwhile…
I left the room with tears slowly trickling down my cheeks. Had I really meant what I said? I walked quickly, putting the thoughts aside for a little bit.
Yes.
The word came to me so suddenly that I actually stopped walking. When I started walking again, I couldn't suppress my questions. Why had I randomly thought 'yes'? Was it any answer to my previous question? It indeed was, I decided. There was no way James was going to get in the way of this. Even if that meant breaking up with him. I dug my nails into my palm, thinking of this. I couldn't imagine myself even moving on. I couldn't imagine myself loving anyone else besides James. I couldn't imagine standing at the altar with anyone besides James. It was unthinkable. I swiftly and quietly made my way down to the Kitchens. I'd wanted to visit Misty for a while. No time like the present, right? I reached the Kitchen without any obstructions and tickled the pear. The door swung open, and I stepped in.
"Miss Lily!" One of the elves squealed in delight. "I is Rusty, miss!" He squealed.
"H-How do you know me?" I asked, stifling a yawn. I wearily looked around, trying to spot Misty.
"Misty and Master James always talk about miss, and miss's hair. . . and her eyes!" He said, his eyes trailing towards my vibrant hair color and then to my eyes again. This was a smart house elf. "Would miss like anything to eat?" He asked politely. I shook my head.
"I just ate, thank you." I smiled.
"Then please sit!" He insisted, gesturing the nearest table. I nodded and complied. He looked at me expectantly.
"Where's Misty?" I asked him. His wide, energetic smile faltered.
"Misty is not doing well. Rusty will go call Misty." He muttered, and scurried away. I frowned. Poor Misty. She was feeling the effects worse than all of us. His parents being gone wouldn't quite hit James completely until he left Hogwarts and realized he had no one to go to. Misty spent the last six months with them, taking care of them every day.
It was a few minutes before Rusty emerged, dragging Misty behind him. She saw me and eyes lit up. I gave her a weak smile, still guilty about not visiting her before. Misty gingerly sat across from me, wiping her tears as she did so. Her blue orbs seemed to be glowing brighter than usual and her nose was a light-pinkish tinge, showing signs of crying.
"I'm sorry we haven't visited." I said apologetically, and remembering that if James kept up his fight, there would be no "us" or "we". I pushed the thought aside and tried to focus on Misty.
"Master and Miss have been busy, Misty knows." She sniffed. I shook my head.
"That's true, but it doesn't make it anymore okay." I countered. "I really am sorry." I said again, after a small pause.
"Is something wrong, Miss?" She asked me, tilting her head, her eyes suddenly void of all tears. "Miss has been crying." She observed. I hastily wiped my eyes again, but realized I probably had the same appearance she did, and there wasn't much I could do to fix it.
"It's nothing." I replied quickly, waving my hand dismissively.
"Please do tell. The other elves say Misty is the best listener." She told me. I considered for a moment. She was a smart, observant elf. Even if she couldn't help, it wouldn't hurt.
"Well, it all started with some-wait," I interrupted myself. "You have to promise to not repeat this information or speak of this information to anyone but me, James, Sirius, Remus, or Peter." I told her sternly. She nodded.
"Understood, miss."
"Well, there was this secret organization the five of us had found out about." I started again, being careful not to mention James' parents. I had her distracted, I didn't want to bring anything back. "They fight Voldemort." She didn't flinch, so I assumed she was used to it because of James' parents. "I was keen on joining, so after a lot of thought, I told James today, but he said he didn't want me to join. I was upset and told him that I wasn't going to let him get in the way of me joining. So we got into a pretty bad argument, and I don't know what's happening." I finished, allowing my eyes to water up again at the memory.
"Masters and Miss are very brave." She said quietly. "But Master James and Miss will fix this." She assured me. "Master and Miss are too close and love each other too much." She decided. I sincerely hoped she was right.
"Thank you, Misty." I said, glad to get the incident off my chest. "It really does mean a lot for you to say that." I smiled at her. She beamed at me. I yawned loudly. "Misty," I started hesitantly. "I-is it okay if I sleep here for the night?" I asked. I knew he wouldn't be in our dorm room, but everything in there reminded me of him. Actually, even here reminded me of him, since he was the one who showed me this place. But, I'd have to leave the castle grounds to find a place that had no reminders of him anywhere.
"Misty would love if Miss did!" She squealed in delight. She snapped her fingers and a large, comforting bed appeared a few feet away, looking very much like my own bed in the dorms. Looking at it closer, I realized it actually wasmy bed from the dorms.
"Thank you, Misty." I said gratefull.
"Would miss like Misty to wake her up tomorrow? For school?" She asked as I made my way towards the bed. I groaned to myself. I had classes tomorrow. And in every class, I sat rightnext to James. If he didn't apologize first thing in Potions tomorrow, the rest of the day would was going to be awful.
"That would be nice, Misty. Thank you." I smiled. I could probably take a shower in the Prefects' bathroom. I climbed on to the inviting bed.
"Goodnight, Miss." Misty said.
"Goodnight." I replied quietly, putting the covers over my head. She snapped her fingers, and the lights went out, while I fell further and further into sleep's awaiting arms.
The next morning…
I walked alongside them after we had showered and eaten. We were on our way to the first class of the day-Potions. It would be impossible to avoid Lily for the entire day, so if she didn't apologize in Potions, the rest of the day was going to be painful. I had a dream last night that convinced me-I was not going to let Lily do anything that would potentially put her in danger.
I was coming home from an Order mission, back to Lily, back to our house. The front door was open, and I was immediately worried. I gingerly pushed open the front door and gasped at the sight of all the broken items. Glass thrown everywhere, pictures askew. It looked like a tornado ran through the house! I rushed into the kitchen. It was also in complete turmoil, the pots and pans all over the floor and a few glasses broken on the ground. I stepped on a picture. It was of my parents. It was still in the photo frame, but the photo frame was broken into pieces. I picked it up. I continued through the house, trying to find Lily. I entered the dining room and nearly screamed at the sight It was Lily. She was unmoving, and clearly dead. Her arm was split open, and written in her own blood, right next to her, was the message, "You shouldn't have joined, Mudblood."
I woke up sweaty and close to tears and made a final decision. She would not be joining and I'd do whatever it takes to make sure she still lived.
"Come on, mate, it'll be okay." Padfoot said encouragingly, bumping my arm. As we approached the Potions classroom, I spotted Lily walking towards the door from the opposite direction. I would need self-control today, something I usually didn't have while I was around her. She entered the room without glancing up at us. We wordlessly followed. I took a deep breath, and hoped she was planning on apologizing.
A/N: I apologize for not updating for a LONG time...a thousand things came up all at once :P It wasn't good at all.
I'm also sorry for the shortness of this chapter!
By the way, for those of you who enjoy LilyxJames, I just put up a one shot!
But, I'm 5 away from 300 reviews, so maybe you'll still be nice to me? Please?
Love,
SAM :)