3-2

In the next two hours, Momoe didn't come back. And when training was supposed to start, I had to manage by merging both classes and hope that Momoe left off with them at the same lesson my class did. Fortunately they only needed a few refreshers and they were good to go. I wanted to consider myself blessed. At least something went right this morning.

Agent Theory wasn't so hard to talk about; it was just about how an Agent's job was tough and what risks were associated with it. Cycles Ethos consisted of how to act as an Agent and as a girl inside the Law of the Cycles. All of them were just more Theoretical Subjects, before we could finally get the recruits into the Applied Subjects where they finally got to use their powers.

"Okay guys, so I think we already have everything settled about being Agents. What are the three things that make a good Agent?" I pointed to a girl at the back. "Katsuragi-kun, please."

This was a girl from my class. A very cute one that wore a teddy bear outfit. "A good Agent is made up of Bravery, Honesty and Respect for the Goddess."

I smiled. "Perfect. Gasai-kun, what is the Mission of the Law of the Cycles?"

This one didn't really have any distinguishing features, but she did have pink hair like Madoka's. "The Mission of the Law of the Cycles is to support the Goddess in spreading her message of hope throughout the Universe, and to support those who almost succumbed to despair."

"Perfect." I liked it whenever the class answered my questions. Usually, when I bothered asking some, all they did was stare at me. "Okay, looks like that's it for our lessons today. Tomorrow, we'll be talking about Despair Science. Now, if we manage to get through that quick enough, I might be able to get you all into practical—"

"Sayaka-san," one chimed, raising her hand. Right, I allowed them to call me Sayaka-san in class. A play at equality, despite the fact that I called them by their surnames to denote that they're students. Yeah, the Cycles is that kind of place. "Sorry to interrupt, but I have a question."

"Nah, that's okay; I don't mind." I did, but I couldn't just get mad at them. Could I? "What is it, Fuurude-kun?"

"Could you tell us about what happened at Tanhauser Gate?" she asked.

I was surprised. "How did you know about Tanhauser Gate?"

"Nagisa-san told us." I forgot to mention that this was a girl from Nagisa's class. "She discussed it as a study on Agent Tactics, said that you participated in the battle."

I swallowed, becoming a little jittery with her questions. "Did she… ask you to ask me about it?" Maybe it was the paranoia, maybe it was the overly-acidic instant coffee. Of course Nagisa wouldn't gain anything by having her students dig into my past. I knew was being ridiculous, but I couldn't be so sure.

Fuurude shook her head, maybe sensing my apprehension. "Nuh-uh, she didn't tell us anything like that. She already told us her side of the story, and we just wanted to know what you saw there…" She paused. The girl did know I was anxious. "Sorry, it's just that I thought it was something you could talk about."

As quickly as I tensed up, I felt a lurch in my stomach. I kinda did the girl some overkill, thinking of her like this. I should be a little more mature in handling these kinds of situations. "No, it's me who should be sorry. I… kind of reacted a little wrong there."

Maybe it was just me, but the girl was already pale with shame. "No, no, please, Sayaka-san, don't force yourself," she said, along with some girls I assumed were her classmates. "We'll be fine. Please."

"Oh, no. Don't worry. If you want, I can tell you guys what exactly happened at the start… then again, I guess Nagisa already told you that bit. Anything else you guys don't know? Um…"

"Please, Sayaka-san, its fine…"

"Okay, how about this: It was our first assignment, actually. I had just become an Agent. I guess, you can say I was the first Agent, so… Anyway, up to that point, Madoka usually handled the Witches, and long and short of it is well, she couldn't do that alone anymore. So she had us tag along, and..."

"No, Sayaka-san, you don't have to do this for us. Don't tire yourself," they all said.

"When I came there, it was all stars. Lots of stars, and they're all really bright. But the brightest thing there wasn't a star, but Tanhauser Gate. A big wormhole, biggest I've ever seen. Most of us were there, and well, we…"

"Sayaka-san, please, don't…"

"We… No, I think—Yeah, I because everybody else was… doing their own thing, I guess. I saw something come out of Tanhauser Gate…"

"Please don't do this…"

"And I saw…" For a moment, the words disappeared from me. As if they fell off the edge of my mouth. "And I saw…"

"Don't torture yourself like this."

The Girl forgot what she saw.

Xxx^.^xxX

She saw something, didn't she? She saw a flood of Witches flowing out of the Tanhauser Gate, a snake of darkness that threatened to swallow the universe. She and Madoka saved the universe by defeating that snake. That was what they did, right? That's what happened, right? She's sure this was what happened.

But why can't she say it?

She only has to open her mouth. Open, speak, close. She wouldn't have to speak afterwards. For all she cares, she wouldn't have to speak again as long as she lived. As long as she gets to say those words and afford the peace and quiet she always wanted, she should be able to say it. Why couldn't she do it? Why?

Of course The Girl knows why. She always knew why. The nausea, the fevers, she knew everything all along.

This isn't her memory. None of what she remembers are her memories. They are all lies. If there is anything true in her mind, it is the feeling of déjà vu.

Did any of this happen before?

But doesn't she have a life before all of this? Yes, the Girl remembers her life. Her name was Sayaka Miki, born in Mitakihara City, friends with Hitomi Shizuki, Kyoko Sakura, and Mami Tomoe. She has had a crush on Kyosuke Kamijou ever since they were children, she has lived in Mitakihara for as long as she remembered—

This is it. She knows now. This was not her life. Her true life is different. Different how? Of course she knows how it is different. Just another added picture in the picture book that was her life. But this picture is so tightly woven into the book, that if one wants to make another book without it, then it is easier to make a new book lest risk the original one gets destroyed.

Her old life, the one she was originally born in… technically one could say that it is her real life. But what could be defined as her 'real' life is based solely on the grounds on whether it is the version that has the Goddess in it. Or not.

The Girl now knows what this means. What everything means. Yet at the same time it is all incomprehensible. More like a hunch than solid fact.

"You don't have to understand," one of her students say. "It's not necessary to understand at all."

"All you have to do is give in."

"Yes, Sayaka-san." Another one of the girls says. "All you have to do is to stop torturing yourself."

"All you have to do is to Give Everything."

They are all smiling.

The hairs on the edge of her skin all stand up. Sayaka has never been so scared in her life. If she did have one.

"Don't you… don't you dare 'Sayaka-san' me!" she cries.

"Give in," one says.

"Stop torturing yourself," said another.

"Give Everything."

Sayaka gasps. "Stay away…"

First, it is only a step. Then a slow walk, before turning into a brisk pace, then into a forceful push through the door in a frenzied run.

"STAY AWAY!"

Sayaka knew that there was nowhere to run to, nowhere to hide. She doesn't even know what, just a vague feeling that something is coming for her. Could she go to her room? No, too far. Her office? Maybe her Secretary might be there. Could she trust Momoe? She doesn't know, and she doesn't have the luxury of time to make her opinion on that.

Xxx^.^xxX

She certainly does not have the luxury of time when she finds Momoe inside the Rec Room.

"What are you doing here?" Sayaka asks.

Momoe is seated on the sofa, hugging her tiny, toothpick legs. She has all of the papers from their office stacked in neat Jenga towers on the coffee table, staring at the TV. It is on, and it is playing one of the tapes from Sayaka's life, specifically a scene where she was talking to her Lover, Kyosuke.

Momoe has been watching the tapes. Of course, Sayaka does not know what to make of this.

"What are you doing here?"

Her Secretary stares at her, struck dumb by the question, a stack of papers in her hands. It's as if Sayaka asked why she was breathing air, why she valued self-preservation above self-mutilation, why Nagisa was a girl and not a boy.

"What are you doing here?" she repeats.

Still the same dumb stare, the same blank stare. Sayaka has the idea that Momoe's face would have been perfect with a sentence coming out of her mouth. 'What was that all about?' or something akin to that. Her face was perfect for it.

For a few moments, none say anything to each other. Another addition to their prized collection of awkward silences.

"…Get out," she finally says.

Nagisa still stares.

"This… is my room," Sayaka says with hardness, the last word emitting finality in how it was said. "Get out."

She's still not standing up.

"I said, GET OUT!"

That last one makes Nagisa stand up and get on her feet. The look on her face has no emotion, no signs of anything but a modest-looking dejection of some kind. Maybe denied a seat on the bus, or had missed the bus entirely and was just containing her displeasure. It is that kind of look. When she gets near Sayaka, the Secretary seems to have waved a hand in front of her face. There is a moment of complete darkness, and Sayaka veers to the left for a few seconds, before coming back up and seeing the seething rage from the morning earlier streaked across her Secretary's face. Seething red.

"I don't know… I DON'T KNOW WHAT I CAN DO FOR YOU ANYMORE!"

A few brisk steps, a door slams shut behind her. Sayaka feels her cheek, feels warmth, guesses it was red all over somehow. It is only now that she feels the sting.