4-0
When she opened her eyes, the early morning sun drew stretches of light from her windows. When she opened her eyes, the early morning sun drew stretches of light from her windows. Her chest felt heavy, tired. Breathing erratic, apropos of nothing. Breathing erratic, apropos of nothing. Weakness defined, absolute uselessness confirmed. Absolute uselessness confirmed. Her left eye dragged to the side, refusing to move from its view of the soft light from the cream curtain window. The right one, still possessing direction, hovered to the ceiling, down to the blankets, and then up the naked back of a girl and the long fluff that was her hair. The girl covered herself with a brown canvas smock, the kind you would have a hacky-sack doll wear.
Sayaka wondered if the image in front of her was real, and she lifted her right hand, up towards the top of her spine. Her fingers made contact, tips landing on smooth, supple skin. From the blade of her shoulders, down to the small of her back, eliciting a quick shrug.
Nagisa turned her head back towards her, the underside of her childish spite framed by her hair like a scarf of pink fur. "I told you not to touch me in the mornings, didn't I?"
Sayaka stayed quiet, not understanding a single word.
The pinkette's stare lingered for a few seconds, before pulling her face back again and proceeding to button down her smock. "We're being called."
Behind her, the blunette looked down, teal eyes trembling, regret congealing.
She noticed that she had buttoned her smock wrong, one button missing from the tidy arrangement. It was just two buttons, but why couldn't she…? There. Perfect. "It seems that we're going on that rescue mission She's made up."
No answer from Sayaka, who was too busy frowning at herself, before wiping a tear from her eye.
Nagisa bent over to reach for her shorts on the floor, pulled them up, before realizing she had to put on underwear first beforehand, pulling the shorts down. "Crap… Anyway, you know who Homura Akemi is? Hold on…"
The blunette turned to the side, and covered her face as her shoulders trembled.
"…There we go." After a brief struggle with her panties, she finally put them in their place. "You know what, never mind. I'll just look it up later."
As she was putting her bonnet up on her head, Nagisa flinched as she heard a loud wail behind her. She made a side glance, but thought better of it and went on to wear her stockings. Once that was done, she stood up, slipping both her feet into a pair of Mary Janes.
"When you're done," she said, using two of her fingers as an improvised shoehorn to get her feet into those ridiculously tiny shoes, "clean yourself up. You look like a mess… Okay, nice fit." She dusted her hands proudly. "We'll be waiting with Her at the hall. Get there at ten o' clock. Oh, I remembered: you'll be having breakfast with Her before that."
The wailing continued as Nagisa made her way towards the door. Opened, then halfway out she made one more glance at Sayaka, the half of her lips curving upward. "Remember, all smiles."
The door clicked itself closed, an omen of something. But what? Sayaka continued to cry, kept crying, cried. Until it seemed that she was crying tears of pure blood to make up for the loss. But no. Blood could never be shed. Not here in heaven.
Coming to, Sayaka sat up, looked around. Nobody. She is lonely again. She had already grown accustomed to loneliness. That old, familiar feeling.
4-1
That morning, they had breakfast. Eggs with a little salt and pepper.
"So, Sayaka-chan, how was yesterday?" the Goddess asked.
The Girl played with her food, twirling the yolk of her eggs with a fork. She found it not the least bit appetizing.
"You seemed very tired yesterday," she sipped a cup of her tea. "I'm worried about you."
The yolk. How curious the yolk was. A little yellow orb in the middle of all that whiteness, enclosed in its own peace. Now her fork was disturbing that peace. How she loved it. Just sliding the tins of her utensil among its surface, knowing that just a slight push of force would destroy it. Will she preserve this peace, or will she finally tear it asunder?
Across the table, a hand in a white glove touched her fork, softly, as if holding something so fragile that would've turned into dust.
The girl looked up, and the Goddess frowned. Her eyes sparkled, the most honest eyes the girl had ever laid eyes on.
"Are you happy here, Sayaka-chan?"
Happy. Here. Happy. Here. Are you. Happy. Here. What were these words? What did they mean? Did they have something to do with breaking this yolk? Did they have something to do with the weather, or how many Agents were supposed to be trained this day, or how much she owed to the Goddess? Oh, yes. The Goddess was talking to her. What was her name again?
The girl smirked at that question. Why can't she remember? She knew the Goddess. She was her most loyal servant. Surely, she must know her name somehow? It'd be embarrassing to ask the Goddess what her own name was. Maybe… maybe she should try to remember? Yes, try. Try to remember, yes.
She closed her eyes. It was dark for a few moments, before she opened them again. Somehow, the air smelled different. Cooler, with a hint of dirt. She was in a playground, and for some reason, she was a child. There was another girl there, pink hair tied in two tails. It was the Goddess. Of course, the girl knew the Goddess since they were children. Of course she would be here.
The Girl was minding her own business, building something in the sand: A pyramid. It was sunset, the sun itself going down the horizon between two hills. Light was fading from the sky, slowly melting into the violet of twilight. If there was anything bright there, it was the Goddess' worried eyes.
She looked down at the Girl, standing between her and the sand pyramid.
"Are you happy here, Sayaka-chan?"
Those words again. Confusing words. The Goddess was talking strange. No, not strange. Maybe it was the Girl who was strange. Yes, maybe that was it. It was something wrong with her, not the Goddess. There can never be anything wrong with the Goddess. Nothing wrong at all.
So the Girl closed her eyes again, trying very hard to understand those words. When she opened them again, the air was cooler—much cooler. Air conditioned. The smell of dirt was gone, replaced by the chatter of people—alive people. Real people. But of course people were real, because they were people. Right? Why did the Girl even think that people couldn't be real?
The Girl shook her head. Nonsense. Just nonsense. She should focus on understanding those words.
She was in a classroom, and she was wearing her old school uniform. People were talking to each other, recess time. The sun was up in the sky, shining brightly. But nothing else was brighter than the sparkle that was in the Goddesses' worried eyes.
"Are you happy here, Sayaka-chan?"
Was the Goddess testing her? Definitely. This was a test of sorts. Yes. A test. She had to answer, and answer quickly. She couldn't afford to fail the Goddess now. But what answer would she give her? It didn't matter; as long as it was an answer, as long as it was words. Words, yes. Words… she had to say words.
"Are you happy here, Sayaka-chan?"
She closed her eyes again, and now they were on a stage. Kyosuke was at the middle, playing a violin, peacefully alone in a recital.
"Are you happy here, Sayaka-chan?" she asked.
"Die," the Girl answered.
The Goddess raised a brow, concerned, confused. Wasn't that the answer?
"I want you to die." These were the answers. They had to be, right? "Can you please die?"
The Goddess at was still confused. Still puzzled. Still wondering about something.
Weren't these the answers?
She smiled. "I want to cut your head off. I want to beat you until you're purple all over. I want to strip off your clothes, tie you naked to a pole, and shoot you full of arrows like Saint Sebastian."
The Goddess at breakfast was confused. "Why?"
"Because you should've left me to die."
The Goddess at the playground was worried. "Why?"
"Because you took everything I was away from me."
The Goddess at the stage had tears fall from her eyes. "Why?!"
"Because I'm not happy here!"
The Girl was sure of her answers. She was confident that these were the answers the Goddess wanted. Oh, how happy she should be when she hears all of this!
She closed her eyes, and opened them again. Both her hands were now cradled firmly on the Goddess' neck, embracing it warmly, lovingly, tightly.
"I was never happy here! You took who I was! You should've left me to DIE!"
At the classroom, she knocked the Goddess on the window, until it cracked, and the Girl managed to throw her off the edge.
At the stage, Kyosuke lent the Girl his violin, and she smashed it against the Goddess until she was black and blue all over.
In the playground, the Goddess' neck was, for some reason, a little harder than the rest of the necks. As her victim squirmed, struggled, ran out of air, the Girl pressed her into the sand pyramid, knocking her against it again and again, until it was a hill of dirt had covered the Goddess' head.
She was now the present Goddess, the one the Girl had been serving for so long. The Girl herself was now an adult, or at least, the oldest she managed to become before reaching the Cycles as a Magical Girl. She enjoyed this form because she had boots, because boots were good to stomp on the hill of dirt she had made. To stomp with again, and again, and again.
The Girl at the playground stepped away from the body whose face was buried under the sand.
The Girl at the classroom stared over the broken window, admiring her handiwork as other shocked students gathered around her.
The Girl at the stage returned the now-broken in violin to Kyosuke, before putting her hands behind her back, then observing the result of her performance.
The Girl at the playground didn't like the idea of watching a corpse whose face was hidden. She wanted to content herself with seeing the last look on the Goddess' face with her own eyes. The suffering, that chaos, that sorrow of betrayal. She got on her knees, dug out the san with her bare hands. It did not take her too long to see the result of her hard work.
It was her. The Girl dug up her own face.
It was her. The Girl saw her own face on the ground amidst bloody shards of glass, bloody blades of grass.
It was her. The Girl saw her own face, covered with bruises with the violin's wood, cuts from the violin's strings.
The Girl was finally back at the playground again. She was on the ground, looking up at herself bury her head in the sand. Until there was nothing left.
XxxT_TxxX
"Are you happy here, Sayaka-chan?"
Sayaka was wondering how good it would be to pop this yolk on her egg. But she shouldn't be distracted. Madoka was asking her a question.
She nodded. "Of course. I've always been happy here."
Madoka smiled. "I'm glad to hear that."
The proceeded to talk about small things. The weather, how many girls Madoka managed to save that day, how many Sayaka would have to whip into shape to become proper Agents. It was going to be a busy day that day. Really, really busy.
"Well, I don't want to take too much of your time now, Madoka-chan. You still have a universe to save."
"Don't worry, Sayaka-chan. I'll always have time. A lot of other Mes are taking care of things."
She nodded. "I guess you're right."
"In fact, we're actually going to talk about something important."
"Yeah, I think somebody already told me earlier. Rescue mission, right?
Madoka nodded. "Yup. Wanna meet the others together?"
"I'll take care of these dishes first. You go on without me."
"Alright, but don't be late okay?"
"Of course!" she said with a grin.
When her best friend had left and Sayaka collected the plates they used, a deep feeling of happiness came over her. She looked over her shoulder, seeing Madoka's back as she went for the door in her serene grace. Seeing that figure, the blunette felt like she was walking in the sunniest days ever created. She was no longer in the dining room. She was back in the Hall, happily training new recruits. She was back at the Tanhauser Gate, fighting her hardest with all of her friends. She was back in the bedroom, making love to Kyoko, feeling the euphoria she had ignored for so long. Why did she ever doubt Madoka in the first place?
She watched the Goddess walk away. So many weeks did it take Sayaka to understand the happiness that laid within that divine figure, that eternal symbol of happiness that brought hope to everybody. Oh, cruel, needless misunderstanding! She never had to question her at all! So many weeks in paradise… wasted!
Two tears trickled down the Girl's cheeks. But everything was now okay. She didn't need to worry any longer, the struggle was finally finished. She was truly in Heaven.
Sayaka Miki had won the victory over herself. She loved Madoka Kaname.