Disclaimer: As always, I own no part of the SOA universe. All rights belong to Kurt Sutter / Sutter ink. My only claim is to those characters that live and breathe within my own mind.
Author's Note: HUGE thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read and review. Your reviews mean a great deal to a sometimes neurotic middle aged woman who's never let anyone read her work before lol thank you again.
Chapter 17
In the small confines of this kitchen Jax contemplated war. How could his son truly fathom how bloody it could get? If this leads to war, would SOA ever recover? The death and losses would be great on all sides. Jax wanted a better future for his club and his sons; he wanted to be a better president than JT or Clay. If this was Abel's child – could he put a price on his grandchild – he went to hell and back for Abel; it only makes sense that Abel would do the same for his own child. Could he ask his child to give up his first born in the interest of peace – could he be that big a hypocritical bastard? Looking at his family left Jax saw his own emotions mirrored in their faces, Abel looking sick and angry, his wife scared and confused, and his 'adopted' daughter trying to be brave and strong for his son. Deep in this heart he knew the answer and as usual the answer was a bitch.
Driving across Town (One hour prior):
Maria rushed to her car, and just short of raced from the TM lot. She was barely away of leaving the lot for the main road. Her heart was pounding like a jackhammer inside her chest. She couldn't swallow the urge to be sick. She felt like she was racing against the eye of the storm with no escape in sight. Slamming on her breaks, Maria came to a shrieking stop at the Main street red light. The last straw, Maria began to cry, hysterical tears streaming down her face. "I don't understand…I don't understand…Why is this happening to me?" She murmured over and over as she waited for the light to change. As she the light changed, Maria's cell phone began to ring reaching blindly across the passenger seat; Maria naively prayed for it to be Abel. Without bothering to look, she simply answered "Hello Abel…can we please…" Her mother interrupted "Maria baby…its Mom is everything ok?"
Disappointment coursed through Maria like wild fire. "Stupid…Stupid…Stupid," she thought through her tears, "Mom I can't talk right now. I promise to call later…I love you." She whispered before hanging up the phone and tossing it absently back into the passenger seat. Her tears continued unchecked, as she felt like a naïve school girl answering the phone like that. How could she think that Abel was really going to call her? She saw the way Abel looked at Amanda earlier, he had obviously moved on. In the course of their relationship, Abel had mentioned his 'best friend' Amanda more than once. Maria always figured that sooner or later they would meet. She even had youthful daydreams that they would become best friends too. Once she even imagined asking Amanda to be God-mother to the children she and Abel would surely have. Pounding the steering wheel with the palm of her hand Maria screamed "I'm such a fucking idiot…How could I have been so naïve?"
Pulling into her driveway, Maria was almost confused; the drive home was a complete blur that she barely remembered. Unlocking the front door, Maria rushed inside slamming the door behind her. She made her way to the bedroom, flinging herself across the bed she gave herself over to the tears – eventually crying herself to sleep.
About two a.m. Maria woke up and went into the bathroom. Looking in the mirror, she hardly recognized the sad puffy face that looked back. Splashing some cold water on her face – she changed out of her jeans and t-shirt slipping instead into an old blue and black flannel shirt that Abel had left behind. Standing sideways she glanced in the mirror. Placing her hands over her stomach she imagined growing swollen and large with baby. "I promise," she vowed "I will be the best mom I know how. I will love you and to hell with the SONS and the Mayans."
Tellar Household:
"I get what you're saying dad," Abel began "but I cannot turn my back on my child. Jax sighed 'like father like son' he thought sadly.
"Abel you have to be sure that this pregnancy is real and that she's not lying to you," repeated Jax for what seemed like the hundredth time that night. Standing from the table, Abel stood in front of his dad "Maria maybe a lot of things but she's no liar – if she says this kid is mine then I believe her."
"Look Abel, it's obvious that at one time you cared very much about her, but you cannot afford to take her word on blind faith. The stakes are just too high,"
"The stakes are high? That's all you have to say dad. Your damn right the stakes are high – you're talking about my kid. My future son or daughter and you know what; right now I don't give a damn about the stakes or the future of SAMCRO. My concern is that 'my' kid is born healthy, happy, and safe."
Trying to be the voice of reason, Tara stood and moved between her son and Jax. "I know it's hard to see right now, but you two are really on the same side here. You have to remember that." Abel spared a tight small smile for this mother. "I don't think dad see's it that way – do you dad?" Turning fully to face her son, "Abel your father," before she could continue further both father and son interrupted. "Abel you know that I only…" began Jax. "Dad…I'm going to be there for this kid..." stated Abel.
Frustrated Abel could not continue this conversation anymore tonight. "Dad this is getting us nowhere tonight. I'll take it to the club tomorrow at church. Right now, I'm taking Amanda home." Amanda stood from the table, wishing she knew how to help her chosen family. Hugging his mother, "I love you mom," Abel whispered hugging his mom tightly. Turning Abel faced his dad, a curt "Dad" the only acknowledgement he could manage – before taking Amanda's hand and leaving the house.
Standing at the window, Tara watched her son and Amanda leave the driveway. Keeping a silent vigil Tara watched from the window until the sound of motorcycle could no longer be heard. Jax stood mutely in the doorway watching his wife. He knew the turmoil she was feeling. Tara was a dedicated mother who only wanted her children to be healthy and happy – any threat to her children was felt personally and deeply. After a moment, Jax moved to stand behind his wife. Wrapping his arms around her waist he drew her close and tight. "Jax, he's so young, seems like just yesterday we brought him home for the first time. Rachael is only nine years old. How can we possibly be grandparents already? Jax smiled absently at his wife's nervous chatter. "Tara," he worried "we don't know this girl from Adam – you have to be prepared for the possibility that she's lying to Abel about all this."
Tara turned in her husband's arms resting her hands lightly against his chest; taking comfort in the strong beat of his heart against her hands. "Jax, after tonight it's obvious to me that Abel believes this girl. Regardless of the fight – he wants this baby. You see that – right Jax."
Jax nodded "Yeah Tara, I saw his reactions tonight. I know that right now he's thinking with his gut – letting his emotions rule. He needs to calm his ass down and think about this with a little logic. He has to prepare himself for the alternate possibilities."
Wrapping her arms firmly around him, Tara squeezed her husband tight. Leaning in Tara kissed her husband. Tara revealed in the feel of Jab's lips touching her's. She never tired of the passion they shared, even after all these years it simmered there always just below the surface. Pulling back slightly, Tara framed her husband's face with both hands. "I seem to remember a young man – not much older than Abel is now." Brushing a silencing finger across Jax's lips Tara continued. "Now this young man – well he damned the possibilities as he and his club jetted off to Ireland in search of his oldest son. I would think a man who was willing to sacrifice like that would understand said son being capable of doing the same – don't you?"
Raising both hands in mock surrender, a sad smile touched Jax's lips as he scooped Tara into his arms. Dropping a series of soft brief kisses across her mouth he asked "What did I do to deserve an ol' lady as smart as you?" Wrapping her arms gently around his neck, Tara smiled rather impishly "Just damn lucky I guess," was her only reply.
Fifteen / twenty minutes later Abel pulled up in front of Amanda's apartment. Sliding off the back of the bike, Amanda unstrapped her helmet and hung it on the handlebar. Abel simply sat staring off into nothingness. Slowly gently Amanda touched the side of his face – drawing him from his thoughts. As his eyes focused on her, she could see the pain and confusion painted clearly in his eyes. "I should go," he murmured barely audible. Amanda shook her head no, "its late Abel, you can't do anything more tonight, come inside – stay."
The weight of his world crashing in on him, Abel struggled simply to breathe. Unable to offer any real resistance Abel said nothing when Amanda took his hand and led him inside. Without a sound Amanda led Abel down the short hall to her bedroom. Shutting the door behind them, she didn't bother with the lights. Reaching the bed she turned back the quilt. She reached for her long black cotton t-shirt at the foot of the bed. Wordlessly she changed her clothes and slipped between the covers. Abel stood near the bed and simply watched as Amanda changed. Without taking his eyes from her, he stripped down to his boxers. Leaving his cut and other clothing where they lay, he slipped between the covers. Amanda moved closer to him, the feel of her snuggling in tight against his chest – acting as a soothing balm to his weary soul. Wrapping his arms around her, he kissed the top of her head.
After a time, Abel struggled for the right words. "I'm sorry I dragged you into this," his voice thick with emotion. Straining against his embrace, Amanda turned to look into he's eyes. "Listen to me Abel Tellar. You have dragged me into nothing, you hear me nothing. Less than two days ago you saved my life. I'm here in any way you need or want – for as long as you need or want. You're my best damned friend. It's the least I can do." Honestly, so little time had actually passed since Dean's death. Abel hadn't really processed the shit storm that was Dean before he was hit with the whole Maria shit storm.
With the stillness of the hour, Amanda's mind began to race. "Abel?" she asked with a hesitant mutter "Where is he…I mean where did you…?" Abel pulled her closer instantly knowing the thoughts she could utter. "It doesn't matter where he is, it's over now," was his only reply.
Laying her head on Abel's chest, Amanda lay silently listening to his strong heart-beat. Abel whispered "Do you think – think I'm ready to be a dad?" Amanda couldn't control the brief smile that passed across her face. There was never any fear between her and Abel. They turned to each other with every vulnerability, every fear, and every secret it felt good to know that four years had not changed that.
Rubbing her hand across his chest, Amanda murmured "I think you have the biggest heart of any man I have ever known. I think any baby coming into this world would be damn lucky to have a father like you." Smiling over her devotion, Abel kissed the top of her head "Try and get some sleep darlin'."
After a hellish night morning came far too early. Abel glanced at the bedside alarm. Just after seven he groaned. With only a few hours' sleep – today was going to be very long indeed. TM didn't officially open until nine am. Some of his brother's maybe a prospect or two could possibly be up already moving around – preparing for the day. His father wouldn't call for church until later this evening – typically after the close of garage business. Since Amanda's return his hours at the garage hadn't been worth a shit. He knew that he really should get up and go into the garage. If he was to get motivated now he could put in several hours of honest work before church began. Turning slightly he gazed down at the dark haired beauty resting next to him. Lost in thought, Abel found himself mesmerized by the gentle rise and fall of her chest. Merely breathing was a battle as he contemplated the shit storm that was currently his life. Abel struggled in vain with the emotional battle brewing in his soul. He always knew Amanda deserved better than to be an ol' lady for a motorcycle club. But, the selfish bastard inside him wanted her now and always. Could he honestly blame her if she packed up at the chance and ran like hell to escape him and Charming? What would he do without her? In the short time she had been home he came to depend on her like air for breathing. As he lay there watching her, his mind drifted – he remembered their kiss yesterday. If he closed his eyes – he could still feel the way her tongue tangled with his. The taste of her warm mouth drove him nearly insane with need. Drawing her tighter in his arms – his palms all but burned with the desire to wrap themselves around her ass and hold her even closer – tighter.
Abel had to stifle the ironic giggle that threatened to bubble over. He was facing father-hood with a woman who may very well destroy his life. Yet all he could think about was how much he wanted the beautiful woman in his arms – and dammit he wanted her. Abel found himself wanting her in a way that was new to him. His feelings for her boarded on primal. He wanted to mark her as his own. He wanted every man within a two hundred mile radius to know she was his and his alone. The desire…the need to be inside her rode him hard every day. He wanted to lose himself in her goodness. He wanted no barriers between them as he spilled himself deep inside her. Lying in his hand across her stomach he shook his head. "It should be you baby" he thought "you should be the one swelling and growing with my child." Shocking even himself with the turn of his thoughts Abel moved started to move his hand away from her stomach.
Amanda began to yawn and stretch placing her hand atop his effectively trapping it atop her stomach. Snuggling closer she murmured "Good Morning."
Now slightly uncomfortable with his previous thoughts Abel murmured "Mornin' darlin'" in return. The feel of her warm breath against his chest began to rattle Abel's thoughts. "Why" he wondered desperately "does she have to feel so good – so right in my arms?" Lying perfectly still Abel tried to remind himself of all that she had been through the last several months. Yes he wanted to be with her, but he also wanted to be more than the selfish bastard who had hurt her. He wanted to show her how special a first time could be. He also realized that it was too soon – he needed to give her space to heal and to process everything they had been through.
Smiling to himself, "Giving her time to heal doesn't mean I can't steal a kiss now and then – does it?" Moving slowly Abel rolled her onto her back. Abel was awed by the pure trust shining in her eyes as she watched him; waiting for his next move. Gently Abel dropped one…two…three soft brief wet kisses across her lips. Moving to her neck he dropped several more brief wet kisses across her delicate skin. Amanda couldn't believe how delicious it felt. Abel's mouth pressed however brief against her neck was incredible. His kisses were addictive. She could easily begin to crave him like the most powerful drug.
Staring into her eyes once more Abel was lost. He with slow deliberate motions her took her mouth in a long deep kiss. His tongue thrusting in and out in an imitation of more intimate acts that he could only dream about. When her tongue thrust back to tangle with his; Abel felt himself instantly harden nearly to the point of pain. He had to slow down; this was supposed to be just a little kissing – petting nothing more. If just the mere touch of her tongue had him aching he would never survive getting her naked someday.
Amanda ran her arms around Abel. Her hands moved with absent abandon up and down his spine. Abel moved once again to drop kisses along her neck. He felt the urge to mark her riding him strong and hard. Leaning in her took her soft skin between his teeth – giving in to his primal need to mark her to show the world that she was his and his alone. At the feel of his teeth against her skin – marking her Amanda roughly dug her nails into his back; silently asking for that which she couldn't put into words.
Pulling back Abel saw the proof of his desire in the simple bite spreading across the right side of her neck. "This is insanity" he thought. "Not here not like this – not after all the bombshells of the last two days." Pulling back a little further, Abel was for once grateful for the sound of a ringing telephone "Saved by the bell" he thought ruefully.