If there was Purgatory it sure was a place he was in.
Blood, darkness and sick twisted flashes of memories. Memories of him killing. Ruthlessly. He showed no mercy to his victims. Whether they deserved it or not he did not know.
James wished he wouldn't remember anything at all if recalling his past and who he really was was going to go hand in hand with knowing how many lives he's taken.
But unfortunately or not it wan't his choice to make anymore.
Captain America...Steve Rogers...his friend, or at least he [Steve] was sure that they used to be best of friends, seemed amazingly sure when he was saying that gaining back the memories that were wiped out was essential to the process of his healing. Somehow James was sure that the lion part of it was due to the blocked part of his brain containing important information about HYDRA that Steve's superiors couldn't wait to get their hands on. Whatever the real reason was (or maybe all of them actually had a motive to exist) when the Winter Soldier landed himself into SHIELD 's custody he knew that for a foreseeable future he would most likely lose his right to vote, choose a brand of juice or a say in what is to be done to his memory or body.
"You ready?" James didn't have to turn around to see who that was, he knew the voice, more than that: he recognized the weigh of Steve's footsteps.
"Yes." He chuckled humorlessly in response and decided to stick to one-ward answers.
"Buck..." James tried not to cringe at the name he knew Captain remembered him by but it was almost impossible because for him it was like calling grass purple. "I have faith in this Doctor, and Stark has faith in her as well otherwise she wouldn't be working for him. And that says a lot!"
Tony Stark. The infamous prodigy son of Howard Stark with the arc reactor in his chest. If he was anything like his father he was the best when it came to science and he had to have the best. That would second Steve's word. But anyway no matter what reservations he might have about the vector his life was about to take, he didn't have any mildly smart alternative at the moment. He could escape, it would be trouble-some but it wasn't impossible. But what's the point? He came to SHIELD willingly because he didn't want to be a brainless killing machine any more. So running away was not an option.
He didn't know much about the doctor that was going to be working with him but he had to give them a benefit of a doubt at least because they were willing to take on a patient like a Winter Soldier.
"Let's go."
Steve didn't say anything further, just opened the door for the two of them.
"Are you ready?" Jamie looked up from the stack of notes on her lap to the good doctor standing in front of the holographic monitors a good ten feet to her left. Then her eyes darted to the clock on one of the screens and something seemed to click in her head.
"It's almost 3:30!"
"Yeah, they should have just got here." Bruce nodded.
"Then..." She stood up, balancing the papers in her hands carefully. "I should be heading there. Wish me luck?"
Doctor Banner sighed and cocked his head a little to the side to look at the shrink:
"I'd like to say that you don't need it but this time I got a feeling that it's going to be an essential part of the case."
"That helped a lot, Bruce." Jamie mocked dryly and turned to leave. "Just say Good luck next time".
Bruce just sighed again looking at her retreating back.
Jamie had to admit that she was beyond excited to get to work with such patient as the Winter Soldier, he was definitely a subject-candy for a starving scientist as herself but at the same time she was nervous and even perplexed. It was a huge responsibility. Jamie has gone over the files that Maria Hill sent her over ten times looking for loopholes in HYDRA experiments.
Also she couldn't rule out the fact that she was scared of the man. A little. That was strange. Usually fear as emotion was rather foreign to her. There was something very different about James Barns that the young scientist couldn't quiet place yet.
Jamie's train of thoughts was interrupted when the elevator signaled the floor she aimed for. Taking one last calming breath the brunette stepped out.
Steve and Stark (the last one occasionally growling at him and showing with all his might and big Stark ego that he was against the whole situation) left his "quoters" to run the security protocol, letting him to get aquatinted with the new leaving arrangement by himself. The soldier had to admit that he was more than a little surprised at the size, equipment and discing of the rooms...it was a whole apartment: the leaving ares, a bedroom, something that reminded of a study, big kitchen and two bathrooms. Though James guessed that Stark just could't let himself have anything less than perfect. It was Stark and even his prisoners should have the best.
"So, I guess, you like it here." A soft voice said from behind him and though he knew that the person was at least ten feet away from him, James' metallic arm fisted on its own accord.
Upon turning around the soldier had to give it to a young woman in front of him: if he scared her, she took it very stoic with unreadable face.
"I'm Dr. Loeb but you can call me Jamie, I will be supervising your rehabilitation process."
She was skinny with shoulder-length light brown hair and her piercing blue eyes somewhat reminded James of Steve. She looked young but apparently was capable.
Rehabilitation process... Nice way to put it. She was couscous but didn't show any negative emotions. There was a small kind smile on her face as she was studying him with her big curious eyes. She seemed healthily interested but not intrusive.
And she was a woman. If James had to be honest, he didn't expect that. Even though now that he's searched his memory Steve did refer to the Doctor as "her".
"And you are James Barns." He heard her say. Her voice had a highly calming vibe to it, at least it felt that way to him. "Can I call you James?"
He opted to just nod in answer.
"I'm not here today for a session." Dr. Jamie said in that same calming tone. "I just wanted to see how you got settled. If everything was fine."
When James didn't say anything, the brunette went on to ask the question she hanged in the air in the previous statement:
"Is everything fine?"
It was another long pause after which James muttered "Fine." and turned buck to the window.
Jamie nodded at that and though inside she was breathing heavily, she knew he stress was not visible on the outside.
"Even if it's not, we could work on everything later. I will be here every day so we will step by step. No rush."
"I thought you needed to clear my memories." He didn't try to be polite. SHIELD wanted what he's forgotten, he didn't want to be a brainless robot. It's a simple deal. Politeness wan't a part of it.
"I'm not here to clear anything." She simply said and finally stepped closer into the room. "I'm here because your friend Steve Rogers asked me to be in charge of your therapy. I don't work for SHIELD. I'm not here to extract any kind of information from you. I'm here to help you remember the man you used to be. Something those...men have taken away from you."
She was saying good things. But he couldn't trust her. Even if she was right, how the man that he used to be once would help him?
"They took more than just your memories. They took away the most important undeniable thing that belongs to all human beings: a freedom to choose. There's a chance you will never remember or you can recall certain things. The thing is: you don't have to be that man you used to be anymore. He is a part of the puzzle of your past. If you choose to go back to being him, it's ok. If you feel comfortable with the changes, then by all means be someone you want to be at this moment. I'm here to help you catch up with the time they've made you lose and to see the opportunities of who you might want to be. The process of a memory restoration is just a small part, and not the most important one."
It was very strange for James. He couldn't remember being in the same room with a woman that he has not been ordered to kill earlier in the day. She was wearing a blouse in a very light fabric and a beige skirt. It was calming. And her voice. Like a lullaby.
James' small voice in the back of his head was screaming that every single detail of the good Dr. Jamie (from the color of her clothing to the melodic sound of her voice) was meant to disarm him, to play with his senses. But then again...he gave himself up for treatment. No one made him. Why couldn't he be a little less a paranoiac sociopath?
She must have figured out that he was having an internal war because she cleared her throat a little:
"Listen, I understand that you're hardly to believe me right now. And you're definitely not to be blamed for that. All I ask is that you give this a chance."
After he stood there silent, she opted for one more thing:
"I mean, what do you really have to lose?"
At that James glared at the young woman. Some lost vibe inside of him was vary angered and upset. But why? Winter Soldier didn't have anyone or anything. That was the point. Then why did it feel so bitter to him.
He turned back to the window.
"Well then I'll see you tomorrow, James." When he didn't react Jamie turned to leave. The elevator doors opened as soon as she touched the button.
"Where to, Dr. Loeb?" JARVIS inquired.
"To the labs, Jarvis." She muttered and as the doors were closing spared one last glance at the fallen soldier, a lost man she really wanted to help, once again wondering if she was taking more than she could gulp.
Suddenly there was a strange unwelcome ache in her chest and her breathing hitched.
The elevator beeped indicating that it reached the intended floor. Jamie stormed out disregarding the entrance of Bruce's lab, opting for a smaller door down the hall.
She didn't even have time to lock the bathroom's door after herself as Jamie was doubled over the toilet with the contents of her stomach rushing out of her making her throat burn as she was trying to hold her hair with one of her hands.
Two cups of coffee and a cinnamon bagel (shared with Bruce, read 'made Bruce eat at least something') wasn't much to let loose. The more disgusting it felt.
Suddenly there was a presence next to her on the floor and a large hand on her back. The hand that was trying for the comforting circles but was failing miserably.
"Thanks, Tony..." Jamie coughed out attempting to show her appreciation of the billionaire's efforts.
"Well..."
"Don't say anything, you're on the verge of ruining it."
"Sure?" Tony handed her a bottle of water when Jamie's back fell on the marble wall next to him. "Cause I got a lot of good stuff right now."
"Sure." Jamie nodded curtly, taking a sip from the bottle, trying to erase the unwelcome taste in her mouth.
"We can always just pretend that we broke your new toy, I for once don't think Fury would have any problems with that." And though Tony got elbowed for the suggestion something told Jamie that sadly it was a pure truth: SHIELD's Director didn't care for the man that was tortured and turned into a deadly weapon against his will, he wanted the information on HYDRA and the Soviets. The fact that Steve Rogers (the most naive being on the whole planet, in Jamie's books) was so conveniently soliciting for his lost army friend was just another acquired card for his hand.
"But really, it wasn't so bad. Jarvis showed me the video. You actually did a pretty good job there." The Iron Man went on. "What twisted your knuckles so much?"
"Him." The young Doctor answered after a small pause. "He's different from what I have seen or from what I imagined min to be."
"Are you certain you're not running a fever or something? You leave next door to the-e-e-e Hulk!" He made sure the woman next to him could feel where the essence of the sentence was.
She just chuckled.
"So he's sticking around then?" Tony made it up and offered Jamie a hand.
"For now, yes." She nodded but didn't accept his hand. "You go, I'll be out in a minute."
"You know, if you'll be staying here often I can remodel the bathroom up your tastes. Paint a mountain here, eagle over there... "
"Haha."
"Ok, I'm out, you have fun but not that much fun." Before stepping out he let her know of his plans though. "I still need to cut the puking episode for the Tower Evening News. This one is a front-liner, I just know it!"
"I thought we weren't making those news a regular thing?!" Jamie yelled terrified.
"Apparently your genies boss changed his mind, bless him!"
Upon hearing it Jamie's stomach was threatening to repeat the previous performance so the young scientist just grabbed the bottle of water and the pack of notes that were thrown near the door, and left the bathroom hurriedly.
Hey guys!
First, so sorry for not updating but I had a massive writer's block! MASSIVE and I mean it in every possible ugly detail of it. I just felt like I couldn't make the story live up to it's potential. And now that I'm thankfully past it, you'll see what I came up with and trust me, there's plenty. There will be !SPOILER ALERT! ...some mutations involved, some superheroes that live in NY (anyone you know?) sooo keep up, tune in and let me know what you think!
Yours always,
Roadway Fox