So I read Shadow Kiss yesterday and while I will not give anything away about the plot, I will tell you that it was a thoroughly enjoyable read. Though the content of the book may have inspired this slightly depressing chapter. If you've read, I'd love to know your thoughts on the book! And as always I hope you enjoy and please continue to review. Reviews are the most inspirational thing we fanfiction writers can achieve. So I thank you :)
It was amazing that my body didn't transform into a ripped, green Hulk machine right there and then, it was even more amazing that my mouth kept shut as my feet dragged its unwillingly body to the front of the senior class to be assigned my Moroi, Christian Ozera. Maybe Lissa was right, maybe I was no longer that girl who punched first and asked questions later. I was evolving…becoming an adult.
"This is a joke, right?" Christian stood from his chair and made no attempt to move past Lissa to join me at the front of the assembly. Apparently my evolution wasn't catching. "You want her to protect me?" He scoffed as a bitter laugh escaped his lips.
"Mr Ozera, this assignment is not only beneficial for novices but also for you too. It is a great opportunity for Moroi students to see first hand what life outside the walls of St Vladimir's will be like." Kirova's soft eyes hardened when he didn't move to join me. "And the assignment is non negotiable."
We'll see.
Christian sat back down in the chair beside Lissa and turned his icy glare in my direction. "Well if I want someone to have my back, I'd rather it be someone who's not going to stick a knife in it."
"Whatever, Ozera," I rolled my eyes over his dramatics, "The only reason you're on my radar is because your pawing yourself all over my best friend. If it wasn't for that the self loathing pathetic Moroi that you are wouldn't even make a blip on my radar." Through the blood bond I shared with Lissa, I could feel her cringe internally over the insults her boyfriend and I were throwing at one another. "Besides I don't do cheap shots, if I'm stabbing you anywhere, it'll be through the heart while I'm looking you in the eyes."
"Really?" Suddenly his ice cool glare was replaced by twinkling, excited blue eyes "And how exactly are you going to do that when your not-so spontaneously combusting?"
I couldn't understand where the equal hostility between the two of us was coming from. Sure our relationship in the past had always been on a level of superficial hatred but this was something different, something darker.
"What's the matter, Christian, lacking in a certain area?" I looked quickly down and then back up, with a grin touching the side of my lips. I of course knew differently, thanks to the blood bond I shared with Lissa. I was usually pretty good at maintaining a guard keeping me out of her head, though of course when she let her emotions get the better of her which usually happened when she and the spawn of Satan were getting horizontal with one another, well then it was a little more difficult. "That why you can't fight back like a real man?" The whole senior class snickered in response.
"I think that's quite enough!" Kirova interrupted before I could unleash another round of cruel verbal banter on him. "Miss Hathaway and Mr Ozera, the two of you are immediately excused from this assembly." She turned her head in my direction, a crease appearing in the middle of her forehead as she spoke, "Guardian Davies, escort the two of them to my office."
I was almost knocked off my feet by the feelings radiating from Lissa; she was upset that I hadn't been named her guardian, she was confused by Christian's outburst and she was angry at me for biting back and for using my link with her as a taunt. My apologetic eyes found Lissa's before shamefully being escorted out of the main conference hall. Christian walked ahead, side by side with Dimitri which was brave of him considering his earlier accusation.
The walk to Kirova's office was short but definitely not sweet, the silence in the school hallways was almost eerie. Dimitri opened the door for the two of us.
"Take your seats." His tone was clipped, unusual for Dimitri to show any kind of emotion during work hours. Christian walked in first and I followed, my eyes finding Dimitri's first and I wish they hadn't. Not only had his tone been clipped but his eyes were filled with disappointment. Well if the walk of shame didn't make me feel guilty enough then my almost lover's disapproving eyes certainly nailed the coffin shut.
"Well this is just great…" Sarcasm was dripping from my voice as I sat down in the seat next to Christian.
Christian didn't react in any way – there no huffing not even a roll of the eyes at my comment. He just sat there, staring at Kirova's desk.
"Seriously what is your problem, Christian?" I turned in my chair and stared at him, daring him to turn and confront me. "A few weeks ago we were on …" I tried to find the words to describe what we had been through. "Neutral ground…after everything we went through I thought we had made some sort of progress. I mean we were never going to be braiding each other's hair but…"
He finally turned and looked at me, he was clearly debating over what to say but instead Kirova stormed into her office.
"Well, I hope the two of you have some sort of explanation for that ridiculous not to mention childish outburst." She walked around her desk and sat down in the chair behind it, resting her elbows on the wooden structure, staring at the two of us. "I had expected this from you Miss Hathaway, but Mr Ozera…"
"Typical," I muttered under my breath interrupting the beginnings of what was undoubtedly going to be one of her more lengthy bitch fests.
"Miss Hathaway…"
"Well you didn't really expect me to say nothing, did you?" I sat further back in my chair and crossed my arms over my chest. "After everything I've been through, Victor," I cringed openly at speaking his name, "…Everything at Spokane." I didn't dare to speak his name, fearing that once I did the flood gates would open and everything would spill out. "The attack here…the so called blood bond fuelled rages…" Oops, Christian like everyone else had thought my erratic mood swings were a result of PMS. "After all of that, it didn't even occur to you cut me some slack and give me Lissa as a charge or even if that was a no go… you could have at least given me a heads up before the assembly…if you're so worried about my condition, surely it would have been a wise move on your part."
I could feel Dimitri's eyes on my back and Christian's stare on my face. "Rose," It was the first time she had addressed me informally. "The pairings…" She struggled to find the words, which was strange in itself. "You and Miss Dragomir were specifically not paired together because of your bond." She continued, "According to your tutors and as proven by previous dealings, the two of you rely excessively on the bond to see you through your mishaps. And while it is an invaluable source it is also a weakness. Overtime your heightened senses and your training will suffer and ultimately you will be putting her life in danger because of it."
"Yeah…" I pouted in my chair, hating that the reasons behind not putting Lissa and I together sounded reasonable. "Well you still could have told me. "And you…" Turning in my chair, I looked over at Christian deciding to redirect my frustration in his direction. This time where he turned to look at me, I was met with an understanding face. "I honestly don't know why you're complaining, you've got the best novice here protecting your ass."
Kirova turned and ripped Christian a new one and by his facial expression I could tell that like me, he had been on the wrong side of her before. He almost looked bored sitting there, listening to her ramble on. Dimitri had excused himself halfway through the scolding; apparently he had to go address the novices about the protocol for the assignment. I figured he'd just fill me in later either before or after he gave me his own lecture. She finally finished her rant by giving the two of us five nights of detention which in all was pretty tame for her.
I left her office determined to go make amends with Lissa but apparently Christian had other ideas.
"We need to talk…" He watched my sceptic face and added, "Now."
"No," I stopped him right there. "We can talk later, right now; I'm going to bed to catch up on some beauty sleep before I have to stalk your psycho ass for the next six weeks."
He looked at me with the kind eyes he usually reserved for Lissa. "I'm not going to apologise for my behaviour. But I at least owe you an explanation."
"Well you've already heard mine," I said referring to ratting myself out earlier in Kirova's office. At least I had a good excuse for being a mega bitch, what was his? "And by the way, that newly acquired piece of info is strictly between you, me and my therapist, okay?"
He nodded understanding. It was the first time in a long while that the two of us had actually agreed on something. But then again we both had Lissa's best interests at heart.
"At least we agree on something." My eyes were beginning to droop from the lack of sleep. The next six weeks were going to be brutal on my sleeping patterns, having to watch over him twenty four seven.
"I think you'll find we agree on a lot of things, Rose." He sighed and sad bubble formed around him. "About earlier…what you said earlier," He said correcting himself. "You said that you're mood swings…"
"You mean the alter-ego, dark, PMS bound Rose Hathaway…yeah I haven't come up with a nickname for her yet," I said, trying to make light of the situation.
He completely ignored that and continued, all serious. "You said it was connected to the bond."
"That's the popular and professional's opinion so far."
"Lissa's been doing magic again."
No shit Sherlock. "Yeah, I know. She, Ms Carmack and wannabe stalker boy are practising spirit, tell me something I don't know."
"She's not taking all of her meds." Okay, that was definitely something I didn't know.
--
The plan had for me to catch up on some serious beauty sleep but instead I found myself stomping the hallway outside of Stan's class, waiting for Lissa to emerge. Christian had opted to go for an early lunch, so much for being like me. For the past couple of weeks he had been standing idly by and watching as she decreased her intake of medication, the medication which happened to keep her sane.
The doors opened and the class began to pour out into the hallway. Jesse Zeklos noticed me and grinned in my direction, "Hey Rose…" He walked across the hallway to stand closer to me. "Where's Strigoi boy? You off him already?"
"Yeah and if you keep bugging me, you'll join him." If my tone hadn't warned him off, the murderous look on my face certainly had him walking speedily away.
Lissa exited the classroom and paused in the hallway seeing me. The anger she felt earlier was dimming but it was still there, simmering beneath the surface. Unluckily for her, my anger was boiling over.
"Where's Christian?" She asked looking around.
"Probably cowering in a corner somewhere."
She sighed and mistook my comment for malice. "You really shouldn't be so quick on his back, Rose."
"You're right, I must be misdirecting my anger." I folded my arms across my chest and stared her down, waiting for her to crack.
"What?"
"You know it's my fault really, I should have seen it." But I was too busy trying to stop the incontrollable rages a result of the stupid blood bond.
"I'm not following," She admitted honestly.
"How's your sessions with Carmack going?"
It was like a light went on, suddenly it clicked into place for her. But instead of sensing guilt over being caught red handed, I felt betrayal leaking through the bond. "I cant believe he told you."
"I can't believe you didn't." I was finding it increasingly hard to keep my anger in check, I could feel the darkness flowing through my veins, trying to find an escape.
"I was going to…" She back stepped instantly, "When it was right."
I shook my head in disbelief. We both knew that she was lying. She had no intention of telling me at least not on a subconscious level. "Right well when things start going down hill again which they will because the always do…" I knew I was being hypocritical, chastising her for not telling me something when I was holding out on her too. "Don't come running to me and expect me to fix everything, because I'm done being your fall girl, Lissa. If you can't see what this is doing to you and what it's doing to me," I added selfishly. "Then maybe you need to fall flat on your face and learn this lesson for yourself."
I turned in my steel capped toe boots and stomped away from her. The darkness inside of me should have dimmed from my verbal vent but instead I found myself desperately in need of another outlet. The anger was trickling over the edge and contaminating my pores, infecting every part of me.
"Rose…" Dimitri was standing outside of the gymnasium, speaking to Alberta.
"What?" My tone, like his this morning was clipped. My icy glare was hardly appropriate considering he was my tutor.
Alberta raised her brow at my curt tone and turned to look at Dimitri.
"Inside…" He nodded to the gymnasium and then spoke to Alberta. As I passed the two of them, I swore I heard him tell her that the gymnasium for the next hour was off limits to both guardians and novices.
Fan-bloody-tastic. Just what my day needed, another lecture.
I stepped into the gymnasium and kicked off the steel capped toe boots I had been wearing since five thirty this morning. Sitting down on the practice mat, I pulled at my sweaty socks and threw them to the side of the room, allowing my feet to breathe for the first time today.
The door closed and I turned to see Dimitri lock it from the inside. "Well at least we finally get some privacy," I stood up from the mat and glared up at his 6'6 stature. "But let me guess instead of using this as an opportunity to I don't know talk about this," I pointed between the two of us, "us…you're gonna go get your rule book out and lay down the law." I wanted to stop, but I physically couldn't. "Why don't we just skip the long lecture and both agree that what happened back at the warehouse was a mistake."
Something played across his face but it was too quick for me to register the expression, his mentor mask was securely on. He walked over to the edge of the mat and stared at me expectantly.
"What?" I asked, brow raised. "If you want me to do something then you're gonna have to be civil and ask, comrade. I'm not a mind reader."
"This isn't a lecture, Rose. It's practice." He motioned to the other side of the mat and waited for me to take my position.
Of course I knew why he was doing this. It was the same reason why I was going to fight. He hated to see the darkness in my voice, in my eyes, in my threats and because he cared about me, he was giving me an outlet.
I moved and stood at the opposite end of the mat and nodded to show that I was ready to fight. And instead of waiting for him to begin the so called training session, I ran across the mat and led with a flying hook to a roundhouse kick. And even though I had gone off course and began without any warning, he was waiting for me. He managed to block the hook successfully but my leg caught his chest and knocked him off balance slightly. He recovered instantly.
"I'm here Rose" He said as I made a beeline for his face with another right hook, he blocked it affectively by grabbing my arm and like Davies had done earlier in the day, used it against me in a chock hold. "If you want to talk," His mouth was close to my ear, his hot breath tickling the little hairs on the edge of my ear.
"I don't," I threw my head back and head butted him, which wouldn't have been possible if he hadn't been whispering sweet nothings in my ear. This was my release, the only way I knew how to control the darkness inside of me. I turned in my heels and kicked out with a front snap kick, the ball of my foot slamming against his rock hard abs. The powerful kick stunned him and for the first time in one of our encounters, he was on his knees.
It should have been the point for me to take a step back and let my laboured breathing return to normal. But instead I found myself again going in for the attack only Dimitri was on his feet before I could blink and I was pinned against the far wall, completely dazed as to how that had happened. If I wasn't so pissed off at the world, I would have been drooling in awe at his skilled technique.
"Don't you find it kind of disturbing that our form of foreplay is violent?" I asked through gritted teeth as his fingers pressed into my wrists, keeping a hold of me. "I bet my shrink would love to analyse that!" I tried to break free from his grasp but he was stronger than I was and truthfully, the majority of me was quite content at being held by him.
"We're gonna have to find another way to channel this," His voice was soft and his dark eyes were inviting.
"I'm all for it, if it's productive." I couldn't help but grin as my mind wandered. Being held down by him wasn't entirely uncomfortable; in truth it was slightly arousing. There weren't many men who could take me in a fight and maybe that was part of the appeal with Dimitri. I was a hard nosed bitch at times but at the core I was like every other girl out there, wanting to be loved, wanting to be looked after. And Dimitri, he could do it both on a physical and mental level.
Instead of pulling back like usual, he continued to stare directly into my eyes. I could feel the darkness disappearing inside of me and instead it was channelling it something different. "I'm worried about you, Roza," His Russian accent was suddenly pronounced.
I ignored his sentiment, "I feel safe with you," I admitted honestly. I imagined that even if we hadn't spared with one another, after twenty minutes alone with Dimitri, my anger would have calmed naturally. All thoughts of my argument with Lissa were now pushed to the back of my mind and instead all of my thoughts were focused on him. He was like my own personal sun, keeping the shadows at bay. I swallowed the trapped air in my throat and confessed to the feelings coursing through my veins. "I love you."
It had been the first time I had said those words to anyone and actually meant them in the right context. In the past I had told Lissa that I loved her and I did, she was my best friend, my sister. But the love I felt for Dimitri was overpowering and consuming.
He kept a hold of me and stood there, wordlessly. His eyes continued to bore into mine and he still stood there, without saying a word. I felt my cheeks flush with horror as the embarrassment sank in.
"I ne—ed to go," I stuttered.
Dimitri made no attempt to let go of me, so instead I used my body strength and pushed him back and broke free from his grip. I shook my head to stop tears from forming, it was embarrassing enough to say those words but it was even more humiliating not to have them said back to you.
I left my socks and boots and bolted for the door, quickly unlocking it and making my hasty exit.
--
I sprinted down the school hallways barefoot and found myself grateful that the majority of the academy was at lunch. I didn't particularly feel in the mood to explain why I was running barefoot around the place. What would I even say? I just tried to kick my mentor's ass and then confessed my undying love for him.
I sensed him before I opened the door to my bedroom. This was just what I needed. Sighing, I opened the door to my room and found Adrian Ivashkov sitting on my bed holding the brown teddy bare sporting a Yankee's jumper that I won years ago in one hand and a bottle of scotch in the other.
"What are you doing here?" I asked, closing the door behind me. I was too tired to kick him out.
"I heard about your assignment…so I brought a consolation prize" He waved the whiskey in the air, by the looks and the smell of him, he was already on his way to becoming drunk.
"I don't drink that crap," I dismissed him instantly and pulled my hair out of its pony tail.
A smile played at his lips as his eyes followed the movements of my hair. "Okay, no whiskey…" He dropped the bottle to the bed and reached behind him, pulling out a bottle of vodka. "I come prepared…How about it, little dhamphir?"
"I do however drink that."
I moved across the room and took the bottle from his hand. Sure, it wasn't a productive way to get rid of the shadows surrounding me but it seemed to work for Adrian. Every time I saw him he was either medicated or half cut.
My fingers ran around the rim of the bottle cap. I needed to drown my sorrows but more than that, I needed to escape from Lissa, from Dimitri, from everything.