Author's Notes: Thanks as always to Prothrombintime for gracefully reading my ramblings and for taking the time to offer invaluable feedback and encouragement. Enjoy...

Chapter Forty-One

June 22nd, 2007

Ianto stood silently just beyond the threshold of the Millennium Centre's roof access, watching the solitary figure standing at the edge of the curving rooftop. Framed against the backdrop of a brilliant sunset, the view was breathtaking, the sky aglow with vivid hues of fiery orange, deep pink, violet and red, but Ianto was too preoccupied to truly appreciate the stunning vista.

It was just over two months since Gwen Cooper had begun her tenure at Torchwood Three. Despite her shaky beginning, she'd started to find her place, and thanks in part to some subtle guidance and encouragement, she was well on the way to becoming a valuable member of their small team. Jack had eventually begun to warm to her a little, and from what Ianto had observed they were now on amicable terms with one another, although Gwen's view on Jack seemed to swing wildly between hero-worship and abject condemnation.

Although the Welshwoman was experienced enough not to naïvely perceive situations as black and white, she sometimes lacked the detached pragmatism their job required, her heart overruling her head. Ianto couldn't blame her for that, and while her opinions were sometimes unwelcome, confronting, and delivered with a painful lack of sensitivity, they occasionally coincided with his own. Gwen didn't know about Jack's unique condition yet, but he hoped that once her trial period was complete he'd be able to convince Jack of the wisdom in telling her. Gwen was spirited and courageous, but she could be impulsive at times, and although he wanted someone to have Jack's back in the field, he wasn't comfortable with the idea of Gwen putting herself in danger unnecessarily.

Gwen's wedding was taking place the following day, and they'd been subjected to her pre-wedding anxieties all week. Ianto had spent most of the time working in the archives – most definitely not hiding, he'd reassured himself repeatedly – so he'd been the least affected. Feeling a bit guilty, he'd given Gwen the day off so she could attend to any last minute preparations, thereby extending her time away to ten days, and giving them all a welcome reprieve. After observing Gwen's seemingly endless dramas and histrionics, he was almost relieved that a wedding wasn't on the cards for himself. He'd decided that wrestling a rabid, blood-thirsty Weevil into submission was a far more pleasurable activity than planning a wedding. Either way, it wasn't a problem he'd ever have to deal with.

Two and a half months had passed since the fairies incident and Estelle's death, and he continued to worry about Jack's state of mind. On the surface, Jack seemed like his usual self again, and when they were together he continued to be attentive and affectionate. However, Jack was spending more time alone, either holed up in his office or disappearing for long hours to one of the many rooftops around the city. Jack wasn't staying the night as often as he'd used to, and even when they went to sleep together, Ianto would often wake to find him gone.

He knew Jack was suffering, the weight of loss and the prospect of unending life taking a terrible and increasing profound toll, but he was at a loss to know what to do to ease Jack's pain. He wanted to share Jack's burden, to somehow help to sooth his troubled soul, but any words he could think of seemed hopelessly inadequate. Even the simple reassurance that Jack wasn't alone seemed hollow and meaningless. For Jack, the world was a perpetual graveyard, the only certainty the torment of pain and loss.

As grateful as Ianto was for Jack's presence in his life, not a day went by when he didn't curse the Doctor's name. At the same time, he hoped the elusive alien would make an appearance soon. Jack had waited far too long, and he deserved answers. He needed an explanation for what had happened to him so long ago and why he'd been abandoned so callously. Ianto refused to consider the possibility that the Time Lord wouldn't eventually show up, although Jack seemed to grow increasingly pessimistic. He stubbornly held onto the hope that Jack would eventually get the answers and help he so desperately needed.

He continued to watch Jack for several minutes, unnerved as always by the man's proximity to the rooftop's edge. Shivering slightly in cool evening air, he shoved his hands deep inside his trouser pockets, and slowly made his way forwards. He came to a stop several feet behind Jack, remaining at a comfortably safe distance from the edge. He didn't announce himself, knowing Jack would be aware of his presence.

Jack was standing at the full height of his six foot stature, his shoulders squared and pushed back, his greatcoat accentuating the broad expanse of his back to perfection. The tails of the long coat fluttered around his legs in the light breeze, completing the imposing image. The sight caused Ianto's chest to swell with love, admiration, and affection. The depth of his feelings still caught him off guard sometimes, even after all their time together and everything they'd shared. He could still feel stunned and disconcerted if he stopped to think about the strange and unexpected path his life had taken, and the immeasurable impact of one truly remarkable man.

Jack looked heroic and resilient, indomitable and defiant, but Ianto knew the truth. He knew Jack could be all of those things, but he also knew how much of that was mere illusion. They were both a little too adept at retreating behind the masks they'd carefully fabricated – hiding themselves from the world when the alternative would have been unbearable.

Finally, Jack turned around and made his way to Ianto's side, framing himself against the spectacular view and unwittingly creating an even more captivating image. Ianto found himself trying to record every nuance of the scene in his mind, deciding it was important to hold onto that moment. Jack came to stop at his side, his arm wrapping around Ianto's waist and pulling him close.

"It's beautiful," Ianto whispered, thinking back to the sunrise they'd watched together almost three and a half years ago, after their fateful expedition to the Brecon Beacons. They'd been on the cusp of the tentative beginnings of their relationship, and in many ways it had been a pivotal moment, not that he'd had any idea at the time.

"Yeah," Jack murmured. "Yeah, it is."

"You okay?" Ianto asked hesitantly, stealing a glance at Jack's profile and noting the hard set of his jaw.

"I'm fine," Jack replied, a little brusquely.

Ianto stifled a frustrated sigh. "Have you ever..." He nodded towards the rooftop's edge, then looked at Jack again. "You know... um, jumped?"

Jack glanced at him sharply, clearly surprised by the non-apropos question. "Sure you want to know the answer?"

Ianto responded with a slight shrug of his shoulders. "Wouldn't have asked if I didn't."

Jack shifted his gaze back to the horizon. "A few times. Before I met you." He paused, his eyes closing for a moment. "Just for those few seconds, that brief moment before death... I felt so... alive."

Ianto couldn't quite suppress his involuntary shudder. "And each time, you hoped you wouldn't come back," he said evenly, the words a statement, not a question.

Jack simply nodded.

Not for the first time, Ianto found himself wondering what it would feel like to know that no matter how bad things became, there was no way out. He'd had enough dark moments in his life to know there was a strange sense of comfort in realising the pain and despair wouldn't last forever, even when it felt like it was everything. For Jack, even that most basic choice of whether to live or die had been taken away from him.

"I've never asked you before. What's it like... when you die?" It was a question he'd avoided in the past, thinking it was something no one should know until it was time. But suddenly he found that he wanted to know... he wanted to try to better understand what it was like for Jack.

Jack didn't respond at first, but finally he breathed out a heavy sigh. "Dark... peaceful... silent. It's difficult to describe. There's still a sense of awareness, but it's not like being conscious. It's something else... something different." His voice trailed off. "But it never lasts long enough. I'm always dragged back too soon."

Ianto felt a shiver of unease travel along his spine as he considered Jack's words. He wasn't sure if he believed in the existence of anything beyond death, but he also didn't know if Jack actually passed over to the other side when he died, assuming there was something more. Jack's soul was anchored inexorably to the mortal plane, so it seemed reasonable to assume that he couldn't move on to any form of afterlife or rebirth, even briefly. It was possible that when Jack died, he was held in a kind of limbo before he came back, an indefinable state somewhere between life and death.

"I'm still terrified it won't work one day," he murmured, surprising himself by giving voice to his fears. "That the next time you die, you won't come back."

Jack tightened his grip around Ianto's waist. "I've been like this for almost a hundred and forty years now, Ianto. I'm pretty sure that whatever this is, it's permanent... forever." His voice dropped to little more than a tremulous whisper. "I'll always come back."

As selfish as he knew it was, and as much as he loathed himself for thinking it, Ianto hoped that was true. He wasn't ready to lose Jack. He didn't think he'd ever be ready to lose him.

His throat tight with emotion, he slid his right hand from his pocket and wrapped his arm around Jack, mirroring the other man's gesture. Silently they watched as the sun slowly dipped below the horizon, the wash of brilliant colour giving way to indigo and deep shades of blue as darkness began to blanket the city.

Ianto wasn't sure how long they stood like that, simply holding onto each other. Eventually turning away from the panoramic view, he grasped Jack's hand and tried to give him a reassuring smile. "Come on. Let's head home. I'll make us some dinner."

###

Ianto woke the following morning to find Jack pressed up against his side, fully awake, and staring down at him intently. Blinking and rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he stretched out his limbs and shifted his hips, wincing slightly as he became aware of the soreness in several well-used parts of his body. But it was a good kind of sore, the kind that reminded him of the fantastic night they'd had together.

What had begun as an amiable game of strip poker had quickly become a battle of wills as they used every trick in their respective repertoires to rid each other of their clothing. Mixed with a little too much alcohol, that had led to several rounds of no holds barred naked twister, both of them playing dirty and cheating outrageously.

The ensuing sexual marathon had begun on the floor, proceeded to the sofa, and eventually concluded in the bedroom. As always, Jack's stamina had been impressive to say the least – another benefit of his extra few thousand years of evolution, Ianto suspected – and to his relief, Jack had seemed happier, his earlier melancholia apparently dispelled. Exhausted, satiated, and wrapped in the comforting warmth of Jack's body, he'd drifted into slumber, his worries temporarily banished.

"Morning," he muttered thickly, giving Jack a sleepy smile.

Jack leaned in and kissed him softly, stroking his cheek. "Hey. You okay?"

"Mmm-hmm," Ianto replied groggily. He glanced over at the alarm clock, then narrowed his eyes at Jack after noting it was almost eight o'clock. "You turned off our alarms again, didn't you?"

"Guilty as charged." Jack pulled him closer and trailed a series of kisses along his stubbled jawline. "The Rift's quiet at the moment and we don't have to leave for the wedding until this afternoon. Thought we could have a nice morning together."

"Sounds like you've got it all figured out," Ianto murmured, settling his head comfortably on Jack's shoulder and knowing it was pointless to resist, not that he actually wanted to.

"Yup." The mischievous note in Jack's voice was unmistakeable. His hand traced slowly down Ianto's chest and abdomen, finally settling over his crotch and beginning to gently stroke him.

Ianto moaned in response. Already aroused as he invariably was when waking up with Jack, it only took a moment until he was fiercely hard. "You're insatiable," he admonished, shifting his hips and pushing against Jack's hand.

"And you're not?" Jack asked with a soft chuckle. "Surely I don't need to remind you how many times I made you come last night?"

"I blame those pheromones of yours," Ianto retorted, groaning as Jack pushed him onto his back and began to suck on his right nipple. "They should come with a warning about inducing a state of sexual depravity."

Jack chuckled again, biting playfully at the hardened nub. "You're giving them far too much credit. That so-called depravity is all you. Anyway, you're a virile young man with a healthy sexual appetite. What's wrong with that?" He gave Ianto a long, teasing stroke. "Of course, I'll stop if you want me to."

"Don't you dare," Ianto muttered, the words coming out in a low growl.

"And I rest my case," Jack said smugly. "Come here." He pulled Ianto on top of him, capturing his mouth in a passionate kiss.

They spent the rest of the morning in bed, venturing out only briefly to use the bathroom and to retrieve sustenance from the kitchen, then returning to more pleasurable activities. Although Ianto felt a twinge of guilt over their hedonism when there was work to be done at the Hub, it was overshadowed by his relief that Jack seemed to be in better spirits. He couldn't completely ignore the niggling doubt that it might be little more than a brief reprieve, but he was determined to make the most of it for as long as it lasted.

Well and truly spent for the second time in less than twelve hours, Ianto held Jack close as they lay quietly together, Jack's head resting on his chest. "I almost wish we didn't have to go to the wedding," he murmured as he stroked his fingers through Jack's hair. "I bet Gwen's in quite a state. Hope it all goes smoothly for her though."

Jack tilted his head up to meet Ianto's eyes, and Ianto settled his hand on the back of Jack's neck. "Do you ever think about getting married someday?" Jack asked. "Maybe having some kids?"

"Not really," Ianto replied lightly, not wanting to admit that Gwen's nuptials had indeed brought up some unwelcome thoughts along those lines. He gave Jack a teasing smirk. "And unless you've been secretly shopping for engagement rings, it's not the most likely of possibilities."

Jack shook his head, looking at him sadly. "I wish I could give you more."

"I was joking, Jack," Ianto said quickly.

"I know, but..." Jack began.

"Jack, I'm happy with the way things are," Ianto said firmly, holding the other man's gaze. He hated when Jack berated himself for things that were beyond his control. He'd made his choice, and while it was only human nature to occasionally consider the roads untravelled, no relationship was perfect. He was certain that what he'd gained from being with Jack outweighed anything he might have potentially given up. "I wouldn't trade this for anything," he continued. "Getting married and having kids is hardly a guarantee for happiness."

"No, it's not," Jack agreed, but doubt lingered in his eyes. He sighed deeply, then reached up to cradle Ianto's face. "Ianto, you know I love you, right? You know how much you mean to me?"

Ianto was surprised by Jack's sudden, insistent acknowledgement of his feelings. They knew how they felt about each other, but it was exceedingly rare for either of them to say the words aloud. It just wasn't in their natures to be overly effusive about their emotions.

He wondered why Jack had felt the need to say the words now, but he smiled and nudged Jack's head closer until their lips met in a soft kiss. "We love each other, Jack. I don't think that's ever going to change. At least not for me."

"Not for me either," Jack said in barely a whisper, before claiming Ianto's mouth in a demanding, almost desperate, kiss.

It was several minutes later when they finally pulled apart. Ianto glanced at the clock and sighed dejectedly. He would have liked nothing more than to spend the rest of the day in bed with Jack, but reality beckoned.

Reluctantly, he began climbing to his feet, tugging on Jack's hand as he did so. "Come on. We need to shower and get ready. Gwen will kill us if we're late."

Jack just stretched himself out languidly across the bed, apparently ill-disposed to getting up. "We could always say there was a Rift alert? Hoard of rampaging Weevils on the loose?" he suggested.

Ianto rolled his eyes, although he had to admit the thought had crossed his mind. But he knew Tosh would see right through such an obvious ruse, and she'd be furious with them. He didn't relish the idea of being on the receiving end of Tosh's wrath.

"If you get up, I'll let you pick out my shirt and tie," he offered, smiling inwardly and knowing he'd already won the battle.

Jack looked up at him doubtfully. "Really?"

"Yup." Ianto tugged on his hand again. "Come on."

Jack sighed, but he climbed to his feet. He gave Ianto a mischievous grin. "I think I'll pick the pink shirt. I love seeing you in pink."

Ianto shook his head with fond amusement. "You're so predictable."

"I am not!" Jack protested, scowling at him petulantly.

With a smug grin, Ianto pushed Jack forward and into the bathroom. "Into the shower, Jack. We need to get you looking presentable. We've got a wedding to go to."