Apologises for this chapter. Everything is slightly off and it's dark for us Dimitri/Rose fans. But then again "the night is always darkest before the dawn" There is hope and it will be in the form of the next chapter which will be BIGGER and hopefully better. Please do review, reviews are inspiration...and they make me smile. :)
Adrian's heated kiss lingered in the air but it was Dimitri's dark gaze that caused the air to crackle between us. Usually the six foot seven guardian was so adept at keeping his true feelings hidden, well keeping them hidden from everyone else I was the one exception who could see past the mask he wore. But today his emotions were written clearly across his face, all I knew it was a good thing that we were alone outside.
"Spare me the lecture, I think I've got them all pretty much memorized by now!" Without meaning to my voice raised and my tone turned biting. I closed the distance between us but instead of stepping into his space as I usually would have done and continued on with my rant, I went to move past him.
His hand reached out and grabbed a hold of my left arm, stopping me in my tracks. "You just don't understand, do you?" His voice was the perfect mixture of tortured and raged. As I tried to pull free from his grasp, he tightened his titanic grip on me. "He's not good for you."
I pointedly looked down at where his hand was holding me and then back up to his dark eyes and waited for him to realise that not only was he holding my arm a little too roughly but he was also doing so in public; if we had been out of the academy it would have looked like a lovers quarrel but to peering eyes within the academy walls it would look like a guardian trying to control an out of control novice. A big part of me was jumping up and down inside from his touch with a little voice singing along with accomplishment. Yay! he's jealous, he cares!
"You and I both know he's not the problem here," I pulled my arm from his grip and took a step back, letting the slow building darkness inside of me shadow every other feeling.
"You're right, he's not the problem. You are." His voice was still toxic, cold, so unlike Dimitri. "You're seventeen years old"
"Almost eighteen" I interrupted but he just continued to glare down at me.
"You're seventeen years old, I'm your instructor. Whatever is going on between us it has to stop. It's not right." He paused clearly trying to regain some of his control. "We're not right."
I swallowed the lump in my throat what felt like my heart. Was it his mission to make me completely and utterly heartbroken? He had already ignored my declaration of love earlier today and now he was taking my already bruised heart and breaking it into two. "You know for a moment I thought you were suffering from a regular human emotion..." I thought it would be hard to keep the tears at bay but it was surprisingly easy, though no doubt the full impact of our conversation would hit home and I would cry like I've never cried before. "You know what - you're absolutely right." For once he wasn't going to be the one to walk away, I wouldn't let him. "And as my instructor please do me a favor...be an instructor and mind your own God damn business when it comes to my personal life." I turned my back on him.
"I care about you, Roza" Again with my silent prayer. He was tainting the once sweet caress for every time he spoke my name in Russian, it was always followed by the ugly truth; that we were wrong for one another, that we couldn't be together, yadda yadda yadda. I had heard it all before. "You have no idea how much I care about you...I can't even find the words to describe how I feel for you."
And yet I had. Earlier in the day I had uttered those sacred three words and not heard them in return. "Say it then..." I whispered with the wind. I wanted and needed him to tell me that he felt the same way about me, that I wasn't alone in this. I turned and looked up at me and could feel my cheeks flush with the sudden intensity in our conversation. "Say it..." I demanded.
He didn't.
"Rose..."
I moved to go past him but he reached out to stop me once again, only this time I ducked out of his grip and moved to the side so that he couldn't see my face. "Don't..." My voice broke and his hand dropped from my eyesight. I continued to move forward with betraying tears falling down the side of my face, I moved forward and left him where he wanted to be; in my past.
As a form of punishment having to spend six hours patrolling the grounds with Dimitri following me, watching me was pretty brutal. We didn't speak to one another after those first excruciating five minutes but I could feel his eyes on me when they should have been elsewhere; waiting to see when I would go all psycho-Rose. But I didn't, I wouldn't. I had switched on auto pilot and was just going through the motions.
I was relieved from my watch and ordered back to my room to sleep. But instead of hitting the sack straight away, I undressed and jumped in the shower to try and scrub away yesterday's memories. The feel of the hot water beating against my back released the tension some pent up physical tension but something was still stirring deep inside of me. Under my skin, pulsing through my veins with my blood was another sort of tension and I could feel it building up.
I closed my eyes and concentrated on my breathing, it was one of the many exercises the shrink had told me to do if things got too much...
My right hand clenched into a fist and without thinking it impacted against the tiled wet wall, over and over again. With each punch I could feel the built up tension inside of me dimming, the anger was subsiding and turning into something else. I fell to my knees under the raining shower head and cried my broken heart out.
--
I didn't sleep well that night; the cuts I had sustained from self mutilation were stinging like a wasps prick not to mention the constant ache in my chest that refused to go away. Sure I may have literally beat back the darkness inside of me but for some reason I couldn't make the feeling of complete and utter devastation disappear.
"Knock, knock."
I looked up from my bed and watched as my bedroom door partially creaked open. Lissa was peering through the tiny gap, her light jade eyes finding mine. I could sense through the bond that she had come to apologise for yesterday, even though I had been the one to fly off the handle – though with good reason.
"Hi," My voice croaked from crying all night but she would just assume that the raspy voice was from having just woken up. "Come in," I said after a moment of silence. Normally she would have waltzed into the room with a beaming smile and ordered me out of bed however she was holding back, tip toeing around me because she thought I was still mad. I was…just not at her.
Lissa pushed the door opened and smiled sheepishly as she walked into my bedroom. Her eyes made a quick assessment of my untidy room before she turned and face me. "I'm-"
I pulled my hand out from under the duvet and raised it in the air to stop her from apologising. "Don't…its okay." It was anything but okay but she didn't deserve to punish herself for pursuing something close to her heart. "I understand why you didn't tell me and I understand why you want this so much." She longed to be a better person, she wanted to control her spirit ability and be able to put it to a good use. I could hardly blame her for following her hearts desire when yesterday I had done exactly the same thing. "Just no more lies…"
"No more lies…" She promised. Moving across the room she came and sat on the edge of my bed, a worried look crossing her face causing her eyes to dim slightly and for a crease to appear in her forehead. "Are you alright?" Shuffling on the bed she moved closer to me and reached out, running her hand along the side of my face.
"I'll be fine." I tactfully ducked from having to answer the question. I was anything but fine, but I would be or at least I hope I would be.
"Is it Adrian?" She asked with probing eyes.
That caused my brow to crease. "What?" I asked, confused.
Lissa eyed me suspiciously before continuing. "Everyone is talking about the two of you." She must have seen something in my expression to tell her that I had no idea what she was talking about because she continued. "The two of you making out in the courtyard right before your guardian watch last night. Apparently it was quite steamy." Her lips turned upright into a smile.
Amazing, someone had seen the two second kiss between me and Adrian and yet no one had seen the interaction between Dimitri and me. I sat further up in the bed and shrugged my shoulders, not denying the kiss but not expanding on it either.
"Oh my god!" She squealed in my face before throwing her arms around my neck. Through our bond I could sense her delight for me, at finally moving after Mason's death. She had been really worried that my capability to love had been damaged severely with the loss of Mason. If only she knew that my capability to love had been damaged only last night…
"Lissa…" I sighed and pulled back from her hug, raising a brow. "It was one little kiss, we're not exchanging rings or anything!"
"I know…" She pulled back and studied me, "I'm just so happy that you're finally happy. You have no idea how worried I've been about you these past couple of months."
"I know," I reached up and tapped my forehead. She frowned at me when I reminded her of our one way bond.
"Ugh, I swear one day I'm going to find a way to see inside your head." Lissa bit her bottom lip and then smirked, "But then again maybe that wouldn't be such a good idea, who knows what I would find in here!"
Reaching behind me I pulled one of my pillows from its resting place and threw it at her.
She caught the pillow, stood up and threw it back down at me. "Now get ready, we're gonna be late for breakfast." Lissa turned her back on me and began to tidy my room by picking up the dirty laundry from my floor. "Wait…" She paused and turned back to look at me just as I pulled the covers back from my sleepy body. "Shouldn't you be training with Guardian Belikov?"
I stood up from the bed and shook my head, "No," Again with the croaky voice. "With the trials coming up and the…" I struggled to find my words and tried to stop my mind from going back to the scene of the crime, "everything else it was decided that I should probably just concentrate on keeping your lover boy alive for the next six weeks." I went into my bathroom, closed the door and released several deep breaths I hadn't known I had been holding in.
I was obviously going to have to work a little harder at acting as though nothing were wrong…
Five minutes later I was dressed and ready for a hard day of work. I, like the other novices didn't have any classes to attend; we were supposed to be putting in some last minute training sessions to prepare for the up and coming trials but due to the predicament I found myself in yesterday, I was exempt from training. Instead I was supposed to report to Dimitri over on the elementary campus after breakfast.
"Whoa…" Lissa's eyes widened as I stepped out of the bathroom.
"What?" I asked confused and looked down my tank top, figuring that I must have spit some toothpaste on it while rinsing my mouth.
"Nothing…you just look like someone I used to know."
"It's only a little makeup." I brushed off the comment. So I had put on a little foundation, blush, mascara and eyeliner…
"And a lot of skin." She referred to my white tank top which not only was practically see through - showing off the black laced bra underneath but it was also cut fairly low allowing little room for the imagination.
"I've had this forever." I said about the top.
"Yeah and I remember when Jesse Zeklos tried to remove it at my brother's party in freshman year." Lissa was confused as to why I was trying to revert back to my old self. I could see the two Rose's in her head, the wild child who used to be the life and soul of a party and the responsible girl who had saved her from being bitten by a Strigoi less than a month ago.
I scoffed, "Don't worry, that wont be happening again." I turned and slipped into my white Nike sneakers and threw my hair up in a messy pony tail. "My taste has…matured," I joked to myself, astounded at my own ability to joke about him. Sure the ache in my chest was there but wearing these clothes, acting like this was the perfect camouflage.
"Matured…" She raised her brow at me as I moved across the room to stand beside her. "Interesting choice of words" So she had picked up on that – only she was thinking of the wrong matured man.
--
Lissa and I met Christian at the door to the cafeteria. He was waiting there for Lissa as usual, it was good to see that I hadn't gotten him in trouble with her after yesterday.
As we approached his eyes widened. "What is this Halloween?" He asked giving me the quick once over which made my skin crawl.
"You're hilarious, Ozera, I think I might have cracked a rib" I responded dryly. Instead of meeting my glare he simply grinned at me.
"Well if you go in there looking like that, you might have to crack a few ribs." His grin diluted slightly and he sighed. "You just causing trouble don't you?"
It was hard to keep up with erratic mood swings, one moment he were having a laugh joking around and the next… "Do you have a split personality disorder?" He reminded me to much of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde or more closer to home, his erratic mood swings reminded me of me.
"Come on Lissa, we should get to the feeders." He took a hold of Lissa's wrist and led her into the cafeteria towards the feeders room but not before casting a quick glance over his shoulder in my direction.
A whistle echoed down the hallway. I didn't need to turn to know who it belonged to. "Like something you see?" I asked not bothering to turn and face him. Placing my hands on my hips I waited for a quick retort but instead I felt his warm breath touch the side of my neck.
"Little Dhamphir…such a tease." He side stepped me and stood in front of the cafeteria doors. Unlike Christian and Lissa's quick once over, his eyes took their time scanning my curves. "You know you don't have to wrap yourself up for me…" He grinned and stepped closer, "I'd gladly take my present unwrapped."
I stepped closer to him and leaned up to whisper in his ear, "In your dreams."
"I think you mean our dreams." He smiled into my neck before placing a soft tender kiss on the indent of my shoulder. "I take it I didn't get you in too much trouble with Hercules last night?"
The thought of Dimitri and last night was already weighing heavy on my hardass façade but hearing Adrian mention it, I thought I would fall to my knees and cry again. Instead I kept my emotions in check and pulled back to look up into his beautiful green eyes. "No more trouble than usual," I responded and watched with a smirk as I rendered Adrian speechless.
Obviously he had been waiting for my usual rebuke at his advances and to call time on his flirtations. He hadn't been prepared for his charm to be mirrored back onto him.
"So…" I stepped in closer to him and observed that I couldn't smell a trace of alcohol or tobacco on him. Looking up into his focused emerald coloured eyes I could also that I had reached him before he started his daily use of medication, "How about another repeat performance of yesterday?"
His facial expression told me that he was as shocked as I was by proposition. He recovered quickly and quipped, "That depends…"
"On?" I cursed myself inwards. This was a game I didn't want to play and yet I was. It had been easier.
"Rose…" A voice interrupted us.
Adrian grinned and turned to cast a quick glance at our intruder and then faced me again. He puckered his lips intrigued, "How far would we go without interruptions?"
As far as it takes to get Dimitri out of my head, I thought.
"Rose…" His voice grew louder and demanding. "Gymnasium. Now."
"You'll just have to show up to find out." I grinned up at him and unearthed my almost forgotten man-eater smile. I leaned up and planted a kiss on the side of his cheek, leaving a perfect imprint of my glossed lips. My grin died as I turned in my sneakers and walked away from Adrian.
I followed him to the gymnasium. He held the door open for me and I stepped inside and a few seconds later the door slammed shut.
Hold your ground, Hathaway, I ordered myself. Don't let him see you cry.