Author's Notes: A nice long chapter just in time for the weekend. Enjoy! Thank you so much to everyone who very kindly took the time to review the last chapter, including the guest reviews who I can't reply to individually (and if you have an account here, please log-in before reviewing so I can reply to your comments). And thanks as always to Prothrombintime for greatly appreciated encouragement and feedback.

Chapter Forty-Two

June 23rd, 2007

Sitting at the end of a row of seats alongside Jack, Tosh and Owen, Ianto watched on as Gwen and Rhys exchanged their marriage vows. The venue was perfect and Gwen looked lovely in her flowing white wedding dress, her long black hair swept up and stylishly arranged in loose curls. The large gathering of family and friends all appeared to be in good spirits for the occasion, and the mild summer day was ideal, having allowed the attendees to socialise in the gardens before the ceremony began inside.

They'd briefly met Rhys and Ianto thought he seemed like a good bloke – down to earth and easy going, solidly built, although noticeably overweight despite Gwen's dieting efforts, and unashamedly very Welsh. He'd shaken hands enthusiastically with all of them, clearly nervous but excited, and seemingly pleased to finally meet Gwen's new "special ops" colleagues.

Ianto hadn't missed the way Rhys had eyed both himself and Jack with a distinct lack of subtlety. Feeling a familiar sense of resignation, he'd imagined Gwen animatedly telling her husband-to-be about the gay couple she worked with. He'd noticed with a degree of amusement how Gwen sometimes looked at himself and Jack, as if she couldn't quite figure out the dynamics of their relationship. And he was certain that the Welshwoman continued to be infatuated with Jack, even if she'd never admit it.

He and Jack were both wearing the bespoke suits Jack had bought for their first date. Ianto was wearing a pink shirt at Jack's insistence, paired with a coordinating black and pink stripped tie, while Jack was attired in the dark blue shirt Ianto had selected for him, along with a matching blue tie. Jack looked as stunning as ever, the colours and tailoring of the suit accentuating his handsome features and enviable physique. In Ianto's wholly unbiased opinion, Jack easily outshone everyone else in attendance.

Everything was perfect for the happy couple and he was genuinely pleased for Gwen. But it was with sadness and a heavy heart that he remembered a time when he thought it might have one day been himself and Lisa pledging their lifelong commitment to each another. Even after he and Lisa had parted ways, he'd assumed he would eventually find someone else, and he'd hoped marriage would still be a possibility for him someday. That was until he'd begun what was supposed to have been a casual, mutually convenient, no strings attached arrangement with Jack. Their relationship had evolved into something far more serious than either of them had expected, effectively precluding his chance of normality or a conventional life. He'd never marry or have a family of his own; instead, he'd probably die an early and unpleasant death, or if fate was a little kinder, he'd die old and alone. His life was irrevocably intertwined with Jack and Torchwood, and there was no escape from that simple, indisputable fact.

He glanced over at Owen, noting the sad, wistful expression on the other man's face. He knew it had to be hard for him after everything he'd lost. Tosh was firmly holding his hand, and she also seemed shrouded in melancholy as she watched the proceedings. Reaching for Jack's hand, Ianto grasped it in his own, meeting the other man's eyes briefly before turning his gaze back to Gwen and Rhys. He felt a reassuring squeeze of Jack's hand in response. There had been a look of intense sadness in Jack's expressive eyes, and he wondered if the other man also secretly longed for a more normal life. Jack's suggestion of fabricating an excuse to avoid attending the wedding suddenly seemed liked a very good idea.

Gwen and Rhys exchanged rings and completed their vows, smiled lovingly at each other, and then kissed tenderly. Ianto forced a smile to his face, surprised to feel tears forming in his eyes. Blinking to clear them, he tightened his grip on Jack's hand, realising that a part of him was mourning the life he'd never have.

"You okay?" Jack murmured into his ear.

Not trusting himself to speak, Ianto just nodded in reply, his eyes remaining fixed on the newly married couple.

###

It was later that evening and Ianto was sitting at their table in the large, tastefully decorated reception room. Lost in his thoughts, he distractedly watched the couples on the dance floor. One of Gwen's bridesmaids seemed to have taken a fancy to him, and she'd tried to coerce him into dancing with her several times, but he'd politely and repeatedly declined. As he continued to watch the dancers, he realised the last person he'd danced with had been Lisa. She loved dancing and had always been making him watch dance competitions on the television. Although she'd attempted to teach him some basic steps, it hadn't come naturally to him, and she'd regularly bemoaned his proverbial two left feet.

Gwen had dragged Jack onto the dance floor a few minutes earlier and they appeared to be chatting amiably as they danced. Jack's eyes met briefly with Ianto's, and Jack gave him a playful wink. Ianto smiled in return and continued to watch them. Gwen asked Jack something, and his reply was accompanied by a mischievous smile, causing her to laugh.

Nearby, Tosh and Owen were also dancing together. Tosh looked gorgeous in her flattering, lilac coloured dress, and the usually scruffy Owen was almost unrecognisable in his neat grey suit with a white shirt and deep purple tie. Proving to be a surprisingly nimble dancer, he was smiling at Tosh and looked genuinely happy. Despite his own maudlin thoughts, it warmed Ianto's heart to see his friends happy together. Toshiko was undoubtedly a positive influence on their gruff medic, smoothing out his rough edges and helping him to move on from his painful past.

Rhys moved towards Jack and Gwen, and he cut in on them, his expression suggesting he didn't particularly like the idea of his new wife dancing with her handsome boss. Ianto couldn't really blame him for that, and Jack tended to be intimidating for even the most self-assured of men. Jack gave the stout Welshman a disarming grin, then turned towards Tosh and Owen. The medic nodded at Jack and moved off towards the bar, and Jack took Tosh into his arms, spinning her around gracefully. Ianto smiled at the pair as he watched them dance, feeling a rush of affection for both of them.

Owen returned to their table, carrying two glasses of beer. He passed one to Ianto before slumping down unceremoniously in the chair next to him. "Looks like you could use that," he said, clinking his glass against Ianto's. "Cheers."

"Thanks, Owen. Cheers." Ianto quickly downed a generous mouthful of the cold, amber liquid.

"You all right, mate?" Owen asked, looking at him curiously.

Ianto replied with a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders. Even if he had of wanted to explain the reasons for his melancholy mood to Owen, he didn't think he would been able to find the words. He wasn't sure he understood it himself. "Shouldn't I be asking you that question?" he asked by way of deflection.

"Well, the booze definitely helps," Owen said dryly, taking a mouthful to prove his point. "I'm happy for Gwen, but..." He trailed off, shaking his head. "I've always hated weddings. Everyone's too bloody happy. It's unnatural."

Ianto chuckled, unable to disagree. Everyone did seem too bloody cheerful. "Think you might ever consider it again?" he asked cautiously.

"Dunno... maybe," Owen replied, looking pensive. "Tosh is amazing and if things work out... we're taking it slow, but if we eventually get to that point... well, I'd want her to be happy." He frowned sightly. "Never thought I'd consider it again, not after Katie. But things change I guess. She'd want me to be happy, and she would have loved Tosh." His features twisted into a contemptuous expression. "Not a big fuss like this though. Just something quiet and simple."

Ianto smiled at him. "You and Tosh are good for each other."

Owen sighed heavily. "I'm just scared I'm going to screw it up," he muttered, taking another mouthful of beer.

"You won't," Ianto assured him. "Me and Jack will make sure of that. We'll keep you in line." He gave Owen a teasing smile.

Owen snorted derisively in reply. He looked over at Tosh and Jack, nodding towards them. "So, why aren't you up there dancing with lover boy?"

"Wasn't really in the mood," Ianto replied, trying to sound casual. "Besides, I've never danced with a bloke before. Not sure how it's meant to work."

He cringed inwardly at the feeble excuse, but the day was proving challenging enough without having a roomful of strangers staring at him and whispering behind his back. Feeling a surge of guilt and shame, he admonished himself for being so superficial. Jack deserved better, he told himself firmly, especially with the difficult time he'd been having lately.

"Can't be that hard," Owen commented, finishing off his beer. "And it might help cheer you the bloody hell up. Go on, mate. Doctor's orders."

Ianto rolled his eyes at the other man, but he'd already made his decision. He didn't want to hurt Jack, and he suspected he'd later regret passing up on the opportunity. "Sod it," he muttered, quickly finishing his drink and rising to his feet.

He strode determinedly over to Jack and Tosh. "May I... erm..." He nervously cleared his throat, looking at Tosh and then Jack.

Tosh smiled at him warmly, extricating herself from Jack's arms. "He's all yours, Ianto. I'd better check on Owen anyway."

Ianto watched as she made her way back to their table, then turned to Jack and moved closer. "Um... I'm not sure how to do this. I've never danced with a man before."

Jack smiled affectionately, then pulled him into his arms. "You're a clever guy," he said teasingly. "I'm sure you can figure it out." He took Ianto's right hand, lacing their fingers together and holding their hands against his chest, then placed his other hand on Ianto's back. "Just follow my lead, okay?"

Ianto nodded, tentatively wrapping his left arm around Jack's waist. "I was starting to think you didn't want to dance with me," Jack murmured.

"No, I wanted to... I just..." Ianto trailed off awkwardly. "It's been a long time since I danced with anyone," he finally admitted.

"Me too." Jack pulled him closer and guided them in a slow turn.

Ianto caught a glimpse of Tosh smiling at them, and Owen was giving him a nod of approval. Various people both on the dance floor and around the room were staring at them, some of the looks merely curious, while others were clearly disapproving. In particular, Rhys' mother was looking at them from the other side of the room with a shocked expression.

Feeling a little spiteful, and determined not to give a damn what anyone else thought, Ianto pulled back just far enough to meet Jack's eyes. Raising his hand, he cradled Jack's face and brushed a soft kiss against his lips. Then he pressed himself up against Jack again, grasping his hand and resuming their previous close embrace.

They swayed together to the slow melody of the music, the lyrics filtering into Ianto's thoughts and seeming particularly poignant. 'You do something to me, somewhere deep inside...'

He closed his eyes and pressed his cheek against Jack's, just enjoying being close to the other man. He felt Jack's lips press against his neck, and he smiled in response. For a few precious moments the rest of the world slipped away, and he thought of nothing else but the depth of his feelings for the beautiful man in his arms.

"What were you joking with Gwen about?" he asked curiously, reluctantly pulling back to look into Jack's eyes again as the song came to an end.

"Oh, she asked me what I'll be doing while she was away. I told her the truth. The usual... pizza... you..." Jack laughed and kissed Ianto's cheek. "...save the world a couple of times."

Ianto rolled his eyes with fond amusement. "Glad you've got your priorities sorted," he quipped, smiling at Jack. "I don't think she knows what to make of us."

"Watching us tonight should give her something to think about." The next song began to play, and Jack pulled Ianto in close again. "Keep dancing with me? I'm not ready for this to be over yet."

There was something in Jack's voice that caused Ianto to pull back and look into the other man's eyes again. He was startled to find profound sadness in Jack's features, and the glistening of unshed tears in Jack's eyes tore at his heart. He realised the wedding had taken a heavy emotional toll on Jack as well.

Wanting to offer comfort to the man he loved, he reached up and tenderly caressed Jack's face. Jack closed his eyes and leaned into the touch. They stayed that way for a moment, then Ianto pressed his cheek against Jack's again, relishing the sensation of the warm, smooth skin against his own.

"Me neither," he whispered as they resumed moving slowly in time with the music.

###

Ianto entered the Hub early the following morning and headed for the coffee machine. The drive home from the wedding the night before had been unusually quiet, with Jack pensive and seemingly lost in his thoughts. They'd only just entered the apartment when a Rift alert came through. Jack had quickly changed out of his suit and into his usual attire, then headed off to investigate, refusing Ianto's offer to accompany him.

With only his troubled thoughts for companionship, Ianto had tossed and turned all night, unable to properly settle down. He hadn't been able to shake the look of intense sadness he'd seen in Jack's eyes the night before, and he wasn't sure what sort of mood he'd find the other man in with the beginning of a new day. Their happy, carefree morning together the day before now seemed very far away.

He found Jack sitting motionless in his office, looking sad and wistful. He gave Ianto a wan smile and nodded to the empty chair opposite him as Ianto put their mugs of coffee down on the desk. Easing himself into the chair, he looked at Jack worriedly, noting the man's weary, haggard appearance. "Everything all right, Jack?" he asked hesitantly.

Jack shook his head, rubbing his hand roughly over his face, and suddenly looking deeply distressed. "No... no, it's not." He took a slow shuddering breath. "Ianto... I don't think I can do this anymore."

Ianto frowned in confusion. "Do what?"

"Us," Jack replied.

Ianto froze, a cold numbness spreading over him as he stared dumbly at Jack, his mind reeling. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. Swallowing against the sudden tightness in his throat, he tried again. "What... what are you talking about?"

"I watched you yesterday at Gwen's wedding. I saw the sadness in your eyes, the wistful look on your face." Jack shook his head, looking wretched. "You deserve so much more, Ianto... so much more than I can ever give you. As long as you're with me, you can never have the life you want. I'm denying you a better life and I don't think I can live with that."

Ianto stared in horror at Jack, unable to believe what he was hearing. "No," he argued. "Meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me. Only yesterday you told me you loved me. Was that a lie?"

"Of course it wasn't," Jack replied tersely. "I'd never lie to you about that." He abruptly stood up and paced across to the doorway, keeping his gaze averted from Ianto's. He stared out at the Hub for a long moment, then eventually looked back at Ianto. "I can be a selfish bastard, I know that. But I love you too much to let you waste your life on me. I'm not worth it, Ianto. I want you to be happy."

"I am happy," Ianto said insistently. He rose to his feet and moved to stand in front of Jack, desperate for the other man to listen to reason. "Meeting you... it changed my life... gave me meaning."

"But it's not enough. It shouldn't be enough," Jack protested, irritation seeping into his voice. "Surely you realise that? Don't you want more than this?" He gestured vaguely around them. "Marriage, maybe kids... a proper home, security... someone to grow old with." He moved back to his desk and leaned against the edge, his shoulders slumped. "Isn't that what you were thinking about yesterday?"

"I was thinking that my life has turned out differently than I'd expected," Ianto replied, choosing his words carefully. He moved to stand in front of Jack again. "I know we can never have what Gwen and Rhys have. I don't care. I belong here, Jack... with you."

"And if we stay together? If Torchwood doesn't take you from me... what happens when one day you realise you look older than me?" Jack paused, looking at him sadly. "And when you look ten years older than me? Twenty years? How will you feel then? You'll resent me. Eventually you'll hate me... you'll grow to hate what I am."

"No, listen to me, Jack," Ianto said, hearing the desperation in his voice but not caring. "That's not true. I could never hate you."

"You can't know that," Jack argued. "It's easy to say that now."

"But you're talking about years from now. We don't know what will happen. All we can do is enjoy the time we have. That's all anyone can do." Ianto took a deep breath. "And when I'm gone, you'll move on. Find someone new to love."

Jack shook his head, looking defeated. "I can't."

Ianto took a step back, his despair overpowered by a surge of hot anger. "So your answer is to abandon me? Toss me aside like I mean nothing to you?"

"No, Ianto." Jack rubbed roughly at the tears forming in his eyes. "You mean everything to me, you know that. I'm not abandoning you... I'm setting you free."

Ianto stared at Jack in disbelief. "And what the hell gives you the right to choose my life for me? Don't I get a say? This... us... this is my choice. This is what I want." He narrowed his eyes at Jack contemptuously. "You're a lot of things, Jack, but I never thought you were a coward. This isn't about me at all, is it?"

"Maybe you're right." Jack rose up, staring at Ianto defiantly. "So, tell me, Ianto... how many more people do I have to lose? How much more can I endure?" He let out a choked sob, tears now falling unheeded down his face. "The thought of losing you is unbearable. But the thought of you giving up everything you should have just to be with me is worse."

"And pushing me away is better?" Ianto demanded. "You'd rather be alone again?"

"Yes," Jack murmured, lowering his gaze.

"You fucking bastard," Ianto muttered, turning away as his own tears began to fall.

"Ianto, please... try to understand." Jack's hand touched Ianto's shoulder, but Ianto angrily shook him off, stepping away from his reach. "You're everything I ever wanted. To let you go is killing me."

Ianto turned back to look at him. "Good thing it won't stick then, isn't it?" he spat viciously.

Jack reeled backwards as if he'd been punched in the face, and Ianto immediately regretted his harsh, thoughtless words. "I wish it would," Jack muttered.

A heavy, unbearable silence settled between them as they looked at each other with tear-filled eyes. Finally, Ianto broke the silence, struck by a sudden realisation. "Last night when we were dancing," he said, in little more than a whisper. "You'd decided then, hadn't you?"

Jack simply nodded.

"So, that's it, is it?" Ianto asked, but his anger had lost its edge. "After everything we've been through together. You just want to throw it all away."

"I think it's for the best," Jack said quietly. "This way we can remember what we had while it was still good, and you can move on. You're still so young, Ianto. It's not too late for you to have the life you deserve."

"But that isn't what I want." Ianto stepped closer to Jack and reached for his hand. "Jack... I want to spend my life with you."

"I want that too." Jack was staring down at their joined hands. "But as long as I'm the way I am, we can't have that. You're too damn self-sacrificing, so that's why I have to do this." He slowly let go of Ianto's hand, tracing his fingers along Ianto's until the contact was finally broken. "I'm sorry, Ianto. I'm so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you."

"I can't... I can't be here." Ianto stepped away, shaking his head. "I can't look at you anymore."

Turning away, Ianto strode out of Jack's office and made a hasty retreat towards the cogwheel door, his legs shaking and feeling like they would collapse from beneath him at any moment.

"Ianto, wait!" Jack's voice called after him. "Ianto!"

Not looking back, Ianto hurried from the Hub. Once he was above ground again, he collapsed onto a nearby bench. Burying his face in his hands, he tried to hold back a fresh wave of tears, his mind struggling to comprehend what had just happened. As confusion, anger and despair battled for dominance, a tiny part of him wondered if Jack was right. He loved Jack too much to want to be another source of pain and heartache.

But he didn't want Jack to be alone, and he couldn't imagine finding anyone else who could make him feel the way Jack did. He didn't want Jack to set him free, and a future without his best friend and partner seemed unbearably bleak and very, very lonely.

He almost jumped when his phone suddenly started to ring. He grabbed it from his pocket and blindly answered the call, a part of him hoping it was Jack calling to say it had all been a terrible mistake. Instead, he was startled to hear a voice he hadn't heard in almost three years.

"Lisa?" he said in disbelief, while rubbing roughly at his eyes. "What's wrong?"

He listened with increasing alarm to what Lisa had to say, then made a quick decision. "Okay. I'm coming to London. I'll... uh... I'll be there tonight. I'll call you when I arrive."

Abruptly disconnecting the call, he switched off his phone, then rose to his feet and headed for his car. Getting himself away from Cardiff, and therefore Jack, was suddenly very appealing. Perhaps if they had some time apart, Jack might come to his senses, he thought hopefully.

He wasn't yet willing to consider the alternative.