FAIRNESS OF FRIENDSHIP AND NOBILITY

I don't love the Empress, what she said is not true! No wait now I'm just lying to myself I'm just too afraid to admit my feelings she is a beautiful woman and I do have feelings for her but I don't know how far the depth of my feelings go. It's been so long since I've been in love it's a distant feeling to me and I don't know how to deal with it. I can't remember the last time I opened my heart to anyone it feels like such a long time ago. I know when I closed it and hardened it, it was because of Adrienne and her lies as well as her vile behaviour and her brutal treatment of me. After I left her it became very easy to close of my feelings to others and I just put up with being treated badly even if I didn't deserve the treatment I was receiving. Looking back on it now though I know I was a fool to allow any one to treat me that way but I let her because I was caught in the pain of loosing the one I truly loved.

I got lost in my pain and despair I was then made to do a truly terrible thing by the Imperial Council which has always haunted me. I took innocent lives and now their blood is on my hands and I can never wash it off, the nameless faces and eyes stare back at me in my nightmares even now. I'm now in a position were my life has changed beyond all recognition I have everything here friends, a surrogate family and Xena and I couldn't imagine the pain of loosing it all it would be like having her still beating heart ripped out of my chest. That's reason I'm trying so hard to keep my pasts sinful act unknown to everyone. It's the reason that I feel undeserving of Xena's love she is a noble warrior who had done great things and done them with out killing innocents or being a Conqueror. Unlike her I have done terrible things and I'm a vile murder, I don't deserve to be happy in that way and Xena doesn't deserve to have a murder for a lover.

That is the reason that that we can't be together as well as the issue about our races and mines law about both our races being together. I don't deserve to have someone like her she deserves to be someone better than me who hasn't done vile and unspeakable things. My views on this have not changed despite what Thaleia said. I know that Xena doesn't love me she is just very emotional in their friendship, why would she love me anyway? I'm not beautiful or attractive I can't give her a child which is what she wants more than anything. Also to be blunt I'm not human and that issue is never going to change so why would the Empress of Greece waste her time or even risk sleeping with me when she knows the mayor political fallout which would happen if she told the Greece Empire that her lover was a werewolf, no that risk was far to great even she could see that.

"Excuse me."

Gabrielle turned sharply lowering her paint brush which she'd been using to paint on the final touches to her carving of Jason and the Hydra. She put down her paint pot and brush as she turned in her chair taking her lit pipe out of her mouth breathing out the rich dark smoke. She blinked in surprise as Iona come in to view. She'd never had a visit from this woman not since she'd moved in to the new room. She put the pipe back in to her mouth watching as the other woman shuffled clearly unsure as to how to start a conversation she breathed in her pipe before speaking. "Is there something I can help you with?" Iona looked up slightly. "I promise that I have not been rude to your personal maid Thaleia and she was okay with my being here." Gabrielle sat back in her chair. "Well like me she's not holding a grudge against you."

Iona breathed in deeply. "I came here because I wanted to say thank you, that night when the Empress was helping to take the arrow out of your shoulder you said I did what I did because here is the only place I belong and with out being in that place my world feels empty." She lowered her gaze. "What you said meant a lot to me, I also know if you hadn't said that the Empress may not have been so forgiving." Gabrielle breathed out the smoke in her mouth. "It was once my duty to guard my people's city long before I became Horn Hind." She looked up as her dove flew in to the room she raised her arm watching as it landed on her shoulder she eased up her hand stroking its chest gently. "When I look back there was nothing that could keep me from that duty it mattered to me more than anything and I know you must feel the same way."

Iona took a step closer to her. "Yes it does and I would feel very lost if I wasn't here it is the only place that I feel at home." Gabrielle breathed in her pipe looking at her for a long moment. "Everyone needs to belong somewhere." Iona felt her eyes dart as she heard the truth in the other woman's words. "Yes they do." She breathed in painfully. "You also gained the information that I couldn't from Mavican she played me for a fool, she gave me the wrong information and I fell for it." Gabrielle shook her head as she breathed out the smoke in her mouth. "No she didn't play you for a fool. She was just very good at hiding the truth and you not seeing this does not make you a failure, you did your duty and you did it well. You helped Demetrius find out what happened to the other warriors and where the arrows came from because of your actions six families can burry their sons and daughters and put coins on their eyes then grieve and move on with their lives."

Iona watched as she put the pipe back in to her mouth breathing in deeply. "You have a point I didn't see it that way." Gabrielle looked up slightly as she breathed out the smoke. "So long as you do the right thing Iona nothing else matters, that was what I was always taught." Iona nodded she couldn't agree more with that statement. She slowly eased the collar free from her belt feeling that now was the right moment to show it to the other woman "I need your opinion on something." Gabrielle slowly stood up eyeing the collar in her hand. "What's that?" Iona eased up the collar so she could see it better. "I had this designed to hold Kalika she's wearing a similar one right now, it will stop her transforming but I wanted to show to you to see if your all right with me using it on your people. The Empress approves of the design but ultimately you are the werewolf king and your word is final."

She carefully passed the collar to the other woman who took it carefully from her hand. Gabrielle eased up the collar eyeing it, it was made of thick leather but it was quite loose against the neck which made it look tame until you looked at the inside which had razor sharp points which clearly pressed against the front of the neck. The collar was locked with a key at the back it was a clever design clearly made to stop transformation as if the werewolf tried to transform the points would open up the throat killing them instantly. She raised both eyebrows. "Interesting idea, I assume this idea was inspired by the collar you had me put in that night in front of the royals?" Iona lowered her gaze to the floor feeling the guilt hit home. "No I had started making it before that night, it was meant for you so I could get your werewolf blood true I should have thrown it away and I was going to but then this event with Kalika happened and suddenly this became a useful way to keep her restrained in the cells."

Gabrielle eyed the other woman she could see the guilt in her eyes. "Kalika's a traitor and I have no issue with you using these collars on werewolves like her but the design must not go beyond the palace walls yet as it could be used by others who will abuse it. Once I have full rule over my people and things are better between our two races then we can talk about this designs further use." She eased up the collar handing it back. "I do have a few thoughts though." Iona looked up meeting her gaze. "Go ahead." Gabrielle raised her hand "I suggest that you make sure that Kalika's hands can't reach the collar as with her inhuman strength she might be able to pry it loose. The collar should also be made from the strongest tempered bronze you have and not leather to make it longer lasting." Iona eyed the collar. "I'll have the palace blacksmith make a new one which is built to your instructions along with two more spares."

Gabrielle eased up her finger stroking her birds head. "Why is it you don't make things as a hobby, your clearly gifted at designing things?" Iona blinked feeling the confusion take over. "Make things, you mean things for weapons?" Gabrielle shook her head. "No I mean things for your self." She turned pointing to the huge carving. "I mean things like this which have nothing to do with war, their things you make for yourself or for others." Iona eased up her hand eyeing the stunning carving. "You make that?" Gabrielle nodded. "Yes I did." Iona blinked in confusion. "You're a warrior though, why carve isn't that a carpenters job?" Gabrielle shook her head. "I was brought up as a carpenter's daughter and even though I became a warrior I never stopped carving, you do realise Iona that you don't have to go down one path in life you can do more than one thing."

Iona folded her arms as began to think deeply. "I never thought about it like that, I just assumed warriors were warriors I thought that was part of our duty." Gabrielle watched as her dove flew of her shoulder landing on her sculpture. "Duty is duty yes but your personal time is your own to do with as you please." Iona took in a deep breath. "What would you suggest?" Gabrielle picked up some seed from the bowl close by she opened her hand watching as her dove started to eat from it. "What do you want to do?" Iona eyed the carving again. "I've always wanted to sculpt marble." Gabrielle eased her empty hand away from her dove. "Then what's stopping you?" Iona looked up sharply the other woman had a point what was stopping her? She had plenty of free time on her hands and yet she squandered it by lazing around and drinking cider or playing cards and gambling coin on bets she normally lost.

True had savings but ever since she'd gotten the job here she'd become completely focused on it and nothing else. She'd never really spent much time to herself or done things that mattered to her. She moved to stand in front of the other woman. "You have a point how do I lean something like that?" Gabrielle eased her pipe out from her mouth putting it to one side as she blew the smoke out away from the other woman. She leaned over gently picking up her dove holding it gently so it was out of Iona's reach. Despite the respect between them she still didn't trust her around her pet because of what she'd done to the last one. "I've been caving since I was a child but I still read scrolls on the subject I take them from the library you should ask Chara where to find scrolls on carving marble." Iona raised her hand. "That's a good point I'll ask her I'm sure she'll show me."

She eased her fingers towards the collared dove. "What's your dove's name?" Gabrielle didn't think as she grabbed her hand she gently pushed it back ignoring the other woman's surprise. "His name is Icos and he's still nervous of people, I'm still training him so you can't touch him yet." That wasn't completely true but it was true that she was training Icos to come at whistle calls and sit on her shoulder and she'd only just got him used to her other form which had been a little difficult at first as like all birds he'd been very nervous. It had taken her a long time before she could even get him to sit on her clawed hand. "Once he's fully trained you can pet him." Iona blinked she thought that odd but she wasn't going to contest it Gabrielle probably knew more about birds than anyone else in the palace and everyone knew she had a soft spot for them. "I will go and talk to Chara then I'll have someone run down to market and get the things I need."

Gabrielle stroked Icos's feathered back. "I look forward to seeing what you make." She watched as Iona nodded at her respectfully before leaving her workshop room closing the door behind her. She loosened her grip watching as Icos flew up and landed on her shoulder again. Her gaze drifted upwards as Thaleia entered the workshop a slightly concerned look in her eyes as she spoke. "Did everything go all right with Iona?" Gabrielle took in a deep breath. "Yes it went fine Iona just wanted to talk about something regarding Kalika." Thaleia folded her arms. "Well I don't trust her and if she ever gives you trouble again you should tell the Empress." Gabrielle lowered her gaze to the floor. "She won't give me trouble again Thaleia." Thaleia raised her hand. "How can you be sure?" Gabrielle looked up slightly. "Because she's not evil, she's just misguided." Thaleia shook her head she didn't quite understand where Gabrielle was coming from with that comment. "She killed your last pet and had it cooked up and served to you, how is that not evil?"

Gabrielle slowly met her confused brown gaze. "There's a huge difference between doing evil acts and being evil Thaleia." Thaleia breathed out trying to think of how best to put her next question. "I heard you talking about Adrienne to the Empress you said she was evil and that you hated her." Gabrielle felt her body tense. "Yes Adrienne is evil and you are not to greet her when she comes here, she doesn't have any compassion for human beings like I do, she sees you and your race as vermin." Thaleia put her hands together she felt as though she was walking around on egg shells at this moment, as she knew Gabrielle might not take her next question very well. "How did you end up ever being her lover Gabrielle?" Gabrielle looked at her hand trying to stay in control of her anger the last thing she wanted was to snap at her friend who was only being curious and the truth was that she couldn't be angry at her for that, she knew it looked strange that she would be the company of some one like Adrienne.

Adrienne was everything she wasn't, she put a hand on her face as she felt her gaze dart. "I was very foolish Thaleia and I was lonely and I let her in, to this day I wish I hadn't met her or even gotten to know her." She paused. "I now fear for everyone in this palace while she's here." Thaleia moved forward putting her hand on her friends shoulder. "The Empress will not allow harm to come to anyone Gabrielle you have to trust in her words." Gabrielle met her concerned gaze. "I do trust in her words Thaleia, but the truth is I know Adrienne she will not give up with out a fight and I don't know if I can defeat her in battle, we have both fought before and I lost to her." Thaleia squeezed her shoulder. "But this time it will be different Gabrielle, you have the backing of the palace behind you and the Empress and if you fall we will all fight for you." Gabrielle felt a sad smile form as she eyed her best friend hearing the truth in her words. "I'm hoping it won't come to that Thaleia."

8

Xena lay back in bed she wasn't really tired she had to confess her mind wasn't on sleeping or dreams instead she was thinking through Adrienne's arrival. She had thought about having the meeting in the library but she very much doubted that the choke point would make a difference. If she had anywhere near the power that Gabrielle had in werewolf form she'd just break though the double doors. No trying to be clever wasn't going to work this time instead it would have to all be about force in arms. She would have to double the guard and have her in the dinning hall on the very top floor, it was a closed in room there was no way out of it and she could line up ten guards aside fully armed. Ironically it was the room where she had first found out that Gabrielle wasn't human a long time ago and somehow that made it perfect as Gabrielle knew it well it only had two doors one in and one out.

Also she could use the look of the room to give it a false sense of security she could have a platter of food laid out as well as chairs and make it look like she was being hospitable, when in fact she wasn't. The woman would have also travelled a long way and she'd take advantage of her stomach, everything on that table was going to be rich food and she had seen Gabrielle slow down slightly after eating the same kind of food in human form. Maybe she could slow this woman down in the same way by allowing her to eat it warriors weren't always as sharp as they should be on a very full stomach. It wouldn't be a huge advantage but an advantage none the less and any advantage was worth her time if it meant giving Gabrielle any edge over this woman. There was something else that was bothering her though but she wouldn't be able to confirm it until tomorrow.

She had a feeling that the relationship between Gabrielle and Adrienne might have been abusive, her reason for thinking this was that the first time she'd ever touched Gabrielle she had flinched under her touch. She had thought that very odd at first and it had taken Gabrielle a long time to come around to being touched by her. It would also explain why Gabrielle didn't see herself as beautiful and had low self esteem and lacked belief in herself and her abilities as ruler of her people. Manipulating and abusive partners always kept their love interests under control by belittling them and destroying their self confidence so they could bend them to their will. Gabrielle may be king of her people but even a king or queen out of site of his or her people can live a different private life to the one on show. Maybe Gabrielle is afraid of Adrienne it would explain why her mood switched so quickly at the sound of her name.

She also has a very deep hatred for Adrienne and if Adrienne has been controlling her and dictating her life behind the scenes it would be one more reason on top of so many others that Gabrielle just wouldn't return to the Grand City personally she hoped though that she was wrong about all this. She wanted it to be her mind wandering in the wrong direction she didn't like to imagine anyone bringing Gabrielle harm in that way. The younger woman didn't deserve that, on top of this someone who was abusing and manipulated their own king deserved to be punished and she found out that Adrienne had done anything like this to her, she'd want to make her pay for her actions personally. She took in a deep breath she shouldn't be thinking about this right now she needed to just close her eyes and go to sleep tomorrow was going to be a very long day. She closed her eyes only to open them again as a sharp knocking came from the central door she sat up slightly. "Come in."

She blinked in surprise watching as Gabrielle entered her room she was dressed in a velvet robe and she looked very concerned but at the same time tired. She was wearing a night dress but more because of the chill that was starting to go through the night air. She knew it wouldn't be long before she'd have to put fur skin on top of her sheets. She looked up meeting the other woman's uncertain gaze. "Are you all right?" Gabrielle took in a deep breath as she walked towards the other woman bed coming to a stop close to it. "I can't sleep." Xena eased out her hand lighting the candle close this was very unlike Gabrielle at this time of night she was normally still in werewolf form walking the gardens, yet tonight she was in human form and trying to sleep. No doubt her sleeping pattern was making it very difficult for her just switch off as she was normally so active. She sat up fully patting the empty bedside. "Please come and sit here."

Gabrielle slowly sat down on the bed opposite the other woman as she put a hand on her face. "I keep thinking about tomorrow." Xena leaned over putting a hand gently on her shoulder. "Tomorrow is going to go fine, I'm doubling the guard if your ex puts a foot out line she'll get an arrow through her throat." Gabrielle ran a hand through her hair in frustration. "I know I'm just." She took in a deep breath she hated admitting to weakness and she would never admit what she was about to admit to this other woman to anyone else. "I'm afraid." Xena blinked in surprise she'd never heard Gabrielle ever admit to being scared of everything. She was normally very guarded in terms of her emotions she felt her grip on her shoulder tighten. "This woman manipulated my cook in to putting you in to a dark pit to rot and starve for two years, she sounds like a very dangerous woman and if I were in your boots I'd be afraid to, it's clear that she has no issue about ending your life."

Gabrielle eased up her hand putting it on Xena's. "I just wish I could go to sleep and not worry about this." Xena felt a smile form. "Worrying about it makes you no less of a leader." She felt her smile fade as a thought crossed her mind. "Maybe you'd sleep better if you had company." She knew she was pushing it and yet she didn't care she wanted to give the younger woman a hug. She looked like she needed one, she watched as her green eyes which were reflecting slightly in darkness darted, she was clearly considering the offer. Xena felt a warm smile form on her lips. "You look like you need the company of a good friend tonight and I'd like to be that friend." Gabrielle turned meeting the other woman's light blue gaze her mind wanted to say no as it felt like she was imposing on the other woman. Yet her heart couldn't say those words because she knew that this was deeply genuine offer and she couldn't refuse it.

She missed having company at night and she hatred how lonely she felt at times and she knew Xena felt the same way on this subject so why deny this woman a joy which could be as much her own as hers? She put her hands together as she spoke. "I would like that." Xena shuffled slightly. "So would I, if you need night clothes you can borrow mine I have spares in my wardrobe though they might be slightly large for you." Gabrielle stood up slowly. "Thank you but I got hold of some myself, its starting to get colder now." She eased off her robe eyeing her silver woven velvet pyjamas." Xena eyed the other woman's night clothes as something occurred to her Gabrielle did have a fondness of silver her seal ring was silver and some of her shirts had silver designs on the sleeves, she looked up slightly. "You like silver I see it on your clothing quite a lot, why the interest in it?"

Gabrielle slowly eased herself in to bed next to the other woman ignoring her uncertainty over the situation as she eyed her ring. "Gold has never gleamed to me, I see it as symbol of decadence and corruption, silver to me symbolizes strength and hardship. My father could never afford gold, my mothers wedding chain was silver and he worked so hard just to buy it for her because he couldn't afford gold. I guess as a child I picked up on that and that is why I wear silver. I hated the armour they gave me in the Grand City it was gold plated and I never wore it I used to just wear my bronze plate armour instead." Xena blinked as she lay back watching as the other woman did the same, in the scroll of werewolf history Gabrielle's image had been shown wearing a silver armour not a golden armour or a bronze one. Clearly the scroll was showing something which hadn't come to pass yet.

She looked up slightly she knew Gabrielle had seen that scroll she'd talked to Phrixus about it so she'd no doubt seen that image as well yet she didn't believe in the scrolls ability to tell her own history even history that had not come to pass, she just saw it as an important item. "Silver is a good choice Gabrielle it suits you." Gabrielle felt a smile form. "Thank you." Xena watched as the younger woman blew out her candle as lay still staring upwards for a moment before she turned over her green reflective eyes closing as sleep caught up with her very suddenly. She gently put an arm around her waist feeling her move slightly but not every much. She had wanted to ask her why she saw herself as ugly because of her scar but she realized that now wasn't the time. She leaned over gently kissing her head before laying back on her pillow keeping her arm in place refusing to move it as she spoke keeping her voice low ignoring the fact that the other woman was now clearly deep within in her dreams. "I love you Gabrielle." She lay still half closing her eyes she didn't care that the other woman couldn't hear her she just wanted to say the words regardless.

End of part 64

Silvermoonlight

This chapter pays homage to the late LJ Mass who wrote one of the best Conqueror fan fictions series ever written in my view. One of the scenes in the first book called Tale One Journey End, that always really stood out to me was when Xena couldn't sleep so she went to slave Gabrielle's room and Gabrielle says sleep next to me because you may be able to dream in the company of a friend and it might help ease your troubled mind. It was very simple act of friendship with out lust or sex yet it was deeply meaningful to me. At the time it also made me realize that love was about much more than sex when writing stories and writing in simple actions and moments between couples of any gender can be deeply meaningful and important to the characters.