HOLD ME CLOSE AND LET ME HEAR THE BEATING OF YOUR HEART

A dark groggy feeling mixed with a sickly feeling it's like waking up from a hangover but after you've eaten something raw and vile and the taste sticks to your lips and your tongue. It reminds me of when I woke the seventh day after being thrown out of the Amazons that was such a long week it felt like the longest and hardest week of my life and the most painful because of the steep leaning curve I experienced. I had to learn how to find water and I had to learn how to hunt and come to terms with living in the darkness which terrified me because I'd lived all my childhood in the light of the sun and the moon was strange to me at first until I got used to it. I remember my first kill it was a small deer, it was raw bloody meat and yet I didn't care, it was food and it tasted so good while I was eating it but I remember the taste on my lips when I woke up the next morning covered in dried blood and naked on the grass it was an awful sensation. I ached because the young Buck didn't go down easy on me, it charged me twice and stabbed me with its short pointed horns once in the shoulder and in the leg before I got my jaws around its neck and took it down tearing its throat open. It was in that moment that I suddenly realized why I had protruding canines which up to that point I'd found an annoyance because they got the way when I was eating as I hadn't mastered how to hold food in them or how to use them to tear meat apart.

They were there to give me a much better much hold on my prey I also learnt about the importance of making sure when I locked my jaws that I pushed those teeth in as deeply as possible to sustain that iron grip on my lunch so I could kill it quickly and it wouldn't be able turn around and hurt me. Despite the deer kill which I muddled through and got very lucky with it took me another long week to figure out that I had to stalk the things I hunted and not just charge at them. Now I know why they say most hunters fail during most of their hunts, timing and silence is everything. Seeing a rabbit and catching it is a whole different thing all together and even to this day I still don't always get the prey I want. By Ouroboros my body really hurts and I can't shake the feeling, I feel like I've been run over by a Chariot oh wait no that's not far from the truth I fell out of a window and Adrienne stabbed me on the way down before I hit the stone lion, I hate that woman I should have killed her when I had the chance. Gabrielle breathed in deeply as she opened both eyes very slowly ignoring the intense pain and effort it took to do so.

She blinked realizing that it was early in the morning she winced painfully feeling the intense pain in her chest. She lowered her gaze realizing that she wasn't in her own bed but in Xena's she could tell by the sheets which had those beautiful woven designs of them which looked Chinese with there intense reds, yellows and blues. She turned her head painfully catching sight of her completed carving of Jason and the hydra which was standing opposite, she had no idea why it was here but she would no doubt have to ask. She eased up the cover seeing a light faded scar on her naked chest clearly her body had healed up but her chest was still hurting she lowered the cover putting a hand on her face groaning aloud how long, had she been unconscious? She had no idea the only thing she did know was the last time she'd felt this bad was after she'd been flogged back in the Grand City. She tried to pull herself up on the pillow only to wince as she lay back feeling the stinging pain in her chest she hated feeling this way, she never liked being in bed because she was sick, and she'd already spent time so much time in bed after being pulled out of the pit all those months ago and she didn't have very found memories of that ether most she just preferred to forget because it they had been just to painful both physically and mentally.

"By the gods you're awake."

Gabrielle turned sharply realizing for the first time that Xena was right beside her, she hadn't even heard her walk up to the bed as she'd been so lost in her own thoughts. She looked up as the taller woman put a hand on her arm speaking in a soft voice. "Easy now you're not fully healed." Gabrielle lay back on the pillow looking up at her. "I feel awful, how long have I been out?" Xena felt her grip tighten gods she could feel her heart racing the younger woman was finally awake and unlike the last time she was back to her normal self and not hallucinating. "You've been out for two days Gabrielle Phantasos took the stitches out of your chest last night as it had healed up enough. The rest off your wounds have healed up and disappeared, only the scar on your chest remains." She paused. "Your very lucky sweetheart most people don't survive falling out of a window at the top floor of my palace." Gabrielle breathed in painfully her brain still felt groggy but she knew she had heard that pet name once again she put a hand on her face unable to keep the sarcasm out of her tone. "Lucky me…"

Xena slowly sat down on the bed next to her she moved her hand up running it gently through her long blonde hair. "I'm just glad your okay, I was so worried about you." Gabrielle looked up meeting her concerned gaze. "You shouldn't worry about me I'm used to getting wounded it's just a normal hazard in my life." Xena moved her fingers up running them under her chin. "I'm not used to you getting wounded though, I worry about you." Gabrielle raised her hand taking hold of Xena's. "Thank you for taking care of me I really appreciate it." Xena leaned forward gently kissing her head, she pulled back feeling a warm smile form. "Your welcome." She ignored the confusion as it filled Gabrielle's eyes she'd explain her actions later when the time was right she'd also tell her that she loved her. She eased up her hand again stroking her face with her fingers unable to stop her next question as it left her lips. "Tell me about how did Adrienne ever become your advisor?" Gabrielle lowered her gaze. "I really don't want to talk about it."

Xena leaned forward looking her right in the eyes. "Please I just want to know about what happened between you two, she claimed to love you yet she treated you so badly, she put you out of that window and she stabbed you." Gabrielle breathed in there was no getting away from this subject but then she knew this would happen, she'd being trying to avoid it for such a long time but there was no getting away from it, to much had happened and now there were a lot of questions which were now unanswered. Maybe she'd avoided this subject for so long because she considered it the worst chapter of her life. She'd lost herself and lost her sense of presence and worth and she'd just let it happen because she'd started to give up as she'd lost so much in her life that had mattered to her. She watched as Xena pulled back waiting for her begin. "Water I need some water." Xena took hold of the water skin watching as she took hold of it drinking very slowly from it. "I'm sorry I don't mean to push you, I just want to know what happened."

Gabrielle lay back as she passed the water skin to the other woman who capped it put it to one side. "No its okay I guess it makes no sense as why I was with her, the truth is I never wanted to get to know her, she was just forced up on me by the Imperial Council." She breathed in painfully. "I wish I'd thrown her out and locked the door behind me just like I did the other five advisors they tried to send me but I didn't reject her when I should have. I was weak and foolish and I just wanted Damokles back and because of that I didn't see her for what and who and what she really was." Xena eased up her hand again stroking her face gently. "You weren't weak or foolish Gabrielle she's a horrible person but I'm sure you couldn't have known that to start with. I've heard abusive people always play nice at first." Gabrielle looked up slightly. "Yes they do, they even play up to your pain and act like your best friend in the whole world." She closed her eyes as the painful memory flashed in front of them she opened her eyes once more meeting the other woman's. "Maybe that's why I didn't throw her out because at the time she spoke some truth to me which made sense because my heart was breaking."

8

Gabrielle felt the tears as they ran down her face, in this past ten months she'd lost everything. Damokles had left her for another woman in one of the other cities, she wanted to hate him, he had used her tricked her made her believe that they were in love! It had all been lies all of it he'd never even cared about her at all. Maybe the biggest kick in the teeth was that most of his things were still here mocking her at every turn. After he had left she had found out that she was pregnant with a child, a child which was now gone. It had just been one agonizing day followed by another and she couldn't focus on anything anymore, only her pain. She never imaged her twenty second birthday passing in this way. She kept telling herself that he'd return, that it was all a lie and that he had loved her, but she realized now after loosing the baby after its birth that she had to face the reality of the situation which had befallen her. This was that she was alone once more in her life and she couldn't change it no matter how hard she tried. Damokles had never loved her to start with, he'd just needed a comfort blanket and she'd provided one. She turned signing another paper the Imperial Council had left her alone during her pregnancy as it was customary but that time was now over.

She turned looking at the empty cot and the little wooden horse toy inside it, she'd never felt more empty and alone than she did right now she now found herself signing papers as was customary, every paper signed by the Imperial Council had to be signed by her, so many times she'd asked to speak with them regarding the issues of human children but they just ignored her every time. She didn't have Damokles guidance anymore and she had rejected the pompoms bastards the council kept on sending her to advise her. They didn't care about her she'd seen it in their faces all they cared about was power and what she could give them. She was still in the same room although they'd now refitted her doors with thick steel to stop people trying to force their way in, they'd even put to guards outside her room just to make sure no one got in to the room. They'd replaced her washing area with a large tub and they'd even tried to change charge her furniture which she hadn't allowed as it was her own built by her own hand. They even given her a new gold plated armour similar to the one the Crescent Hind had worn, not that she ever bothered to wear it, she preferred her old bronze one which was now lying the corner.

They'd told her she didn't have to cook and that her meals would be brought to her, she had never eaten them though she preferred to get one of the guards to get her what she wanted from the market she had always done her own cooking and she didn't trust the Imperial Council at all, they had made it clear that they didn't like her or respect her ether and she could see them trying to put poison in her food rumour was they'd done that to the Crescent Hind. She now felt as though she trapped in this room it felt was becoming her prison she could feel the walls closing in around her. She threw her papers on to the desk in a violent motion not caring were they landed. She stood up walking over to her other desk picking up the finished Goldfinch which had wings which opened up then sat down on the bed opposite she pressed it chest causing the wings to open. So much for Horn Hind the great king she had no power at all, now she finally realized what her predecessor meant, these horns were as much as burden as a curse. She looked up sharply as the double doors where suddenly opened and a woman walked through dressed in Norse armour. She watched as the heavy doors were closed behind her, she felt a cold sneer form. "Go away." The woman in front of her was slightly taller than her with dark green eyes and long shoulder length brown hair which had henna red highlights smiled as she leaned her tattooed arm on the desk opposite the door. "Now that's not every nice, I only want to chat."

Gabrielle eyed her in disgust. "I don't care for chatting with you." The woman breathed unfazed by her bitter tone. "You know being held up in your room doesn't make you look that good." She eased up her hand moving her wrist gauntlet. "Everyone's wondering where the new Horn Hind is." Gabrielle pressed her thumb on the Goldfinches chest causing the wings to snap shut hiding the message of love. "Well I'm Horn Hind so I get to pick and choose if I want to show myself." The woman moved forward. "Look I know you're depressed and I know Damokles left you for another woman, but that's what people do, no one is really in love with anyone it's just the way life goes. My deepest condolences though for the loss of your first child to give birth to a stillborn was a really cruel twist of fate." Gabrielle looked up sharply. "Let me guess the Imperial Council told you that right?" The woman shook her head. "No they didn't you see I knew Damokles we trained together and when the time came when you finished your full training I wanted you as my second in command but he got you instead but here we are a years on, fate is funny like that." Gabrielle pushed her hair back looking up. "Why are you here?" The woman smiled widely. "My name is Adrienne and I'm your new adviser as of today, apparently the Imperial Council gets the picture now in that you only prefer warriors and you only like half breeds." She raised her hands. "Well here I am for your entrainment Horn Hind."

8

Xena felt the pain hit her heart hard she spoke unable to keep from the sadness out of her voice. "You lost your child." Gabrielle tensed feeling the pain in her chest which wasn't just from the wound. "Yes I lost Damokles's child, I lost everything." She breathed in trying to contain her pain despite that she could feel the tears coming which she tried to force back. "I had nothing left and she just came in to my life, I thought she was going to take away my pain and be my friend but she only made things worse." Xena kept her hand on her face. "Why didn't you ever tell me this about the child you and Damokles had together?" Gabrielle lowered her gaze. "Because it didn't seem fair as you can't have children." Xena felt a sad smile form. "That's true but I wouldn't have thought any less of you for telling me." Gabrielle breathed in painfully unable to stop the tears as they ran down her face before she could stop them. "I've never spoken to anyone about my child, not even Adrienne she didn't care about me loosing my child, no one ever did."

Xena eased up her thumb wiping away her tears. "I do no one should ever suffer a loss like that." Gabrielle tensed painfully. "No they shouldn't." Xena didn't think as she pulled the younger woman up in to her arms holding her tightly. "I'm so sorry Gabrielle." Gabrielle closed her eyes burying her head in the other woman's shoulder. "So am I, I wish Damokles had seen his sons face before he died." Xena felt her arms move to hold her waist tightly. "I'm sure he's with him now in the Elysian Fields." Gabrielle breathed in painfully not wanting to say anymore about this subject it just hurt too much and despite that it had happened some years ago the pain was still felt far to fresh as she never really dealt with it until this moment. "Thank you for saving my life when I fell from your window." Xena felt her grip tighten. "I'll always be there to save you I promise you that." Gabrielle closed her eyes finally gaining some control over her pain. "Don't make promise's you can't keep." Xena didn't move as she closed her eyes enjoying the moment which she knew it wouldn't last much longer. "I never make promise's I can't keep Gabrielle."

She felt the younger woman pull away from her as she lay back down on the bed pulling the covers up further over her naked body clearly she was still very subconscious about her seeing her naked body despite that she'd already seen her naked. She stood up slowly watching as the younger woman's eyes drifted from place to place she was clearly thinking about something which she didn't want to talk about. She put her hand on the younger woman's causing her eyes to meet her own. "You should get some sleep you'll feel much better once you're well rested." Gabrielle opened her mouth to speak only to stop for once she was not going to contest this as much as she hated being in bed she knew that the other woman was right. She still needed her chest wound to heal fully before she could even think about walking around, she closed her eyes taking in a deep breath. "Your right I do need to sleep." She closed her eyes wanting to forget the pain she still felt as everything faded in to darkness as she drifted back to her dreams almost instantly.

Xena breathed in deeply eyeing the younger woman who was now sleeping once more. She had no idea that she'd lost a child but it did explain so much. The younger woman loved the palace children so much may be she spent time with them because she was making up for the time she'd lost with her son. It also explained why Damokles's death had hit her so hard because she'd lost the both of them and she'd clearly had no one to speak to about her pain or her agony, which had no doubt been brewed up for many years. Sadly it also explained why she may have wanted her to end her life and why she had put her sword to her throat and asked for her life to end. She felt a tear run down her face it was so sad that he best friend and the person she loved had, had to suffer this kind of pain it was an agony that no one should ever go through. She turned eyeing the gifts on the table may be when Gabrielle woke up again, she could show her, her gifts maybe it would cheer her up. She looked up watching as her Collared Dove landed on the table opposite the bed side looking up at her, it clearly wanted to be fed and she had no idea what its name was though she was sure Gabrielle had given it one. She eased out her finger stroking its neck listening to the soft cooing sound it made.

End of part 70

Silvermoonlight

Well I can finally relax in the new house now, surrounded by boxes, but all in all feeling good. :)