TO BEAR MY BURDEN AND MY PAIN

I shouldn't have said the words I love you but now having said them I don't care that I did, I meant every word I spoke. She is my best friend and my family and I love her, what more can I say? I feel that no other words would justify my feelings and as much as I love plays, culture, and reading scrolls I'm not a poet though right now I wish I was could put my feelings in to a poem and give it to her. I am meant to be doing my duties and signing the scrolls which have been building up over the last few days I realize that my concentration isn't really fully on the task. All I can think about is her, but now it occurs to me that I think about is her a lot because she means so much to me. I won't lie I'm afraid but now I know she's well again I know we can both talk and I can finally get these feelings out in to the open. I won't wait again I will not be sitting next to her sick bed feeling like a fool because I didn't say the words that mattered. I confess it's strange to be in love again I feel so young and so full of life and it's such a good feeling. I toss one of the scrolls to one side the councillors be damned I'll put my seal on these later, after all they are only their full approval to end the hunting of werewolves and giving them equal rights as Greek citizens.

Clearly Abraxas and Ilithyia have silver tongues when it comes to me asking for things but I'll be honest I don't think it was all my doing. He clearly likes Gabrielle more than he likes me. As for me I think he just wants to make things fair and be able to sleep in the palace but he won't get that though not until he does something to prove his nobility to me as Gabrielle suggested in our last meeting. I'll be very interested to see if he can pull that off but I've always been a believer that men and women can rise from the ashes and do great and noble things. One thing that has occurred to me lately is that one person can really change things and ever since Gabrielle was found in that pit so much has changed. People's positions in the palace have changed a traitor has been brought to justice and it's a very different place now to what it was. I never realized that things could change so much and that so much could be gained in such a short time. This is the way off the gods they play with our fates and with it they can bring about great fortune and fortune is not always gold or gem stones sometimes it can be love and understanding.

Xena stood up she turned walking out of her study going in to the bedroom she stopped catching sight of Gabrielle who was sitting on the chair close by staring at the bronze weapon which had been forced in to her chest. She closed the study door feeling a smile form. "How was your walk?" Gabrielle carried on staring at the bronze weapon feeling her heart twist painfully. "It was okay." Xena moved closer to her catching the half hearted tone in her voice. "Gabrielle is everything okay?" Gabrielle looked up slowly. "No its not." She raised the weapon pressing the coils causing the daggers to spring out on both sides. "This is mine." Xena raised an eyebrow. "Yours what do you mean it's yours, I thought Adrienne designed this thing." Gabrielle stood up sharply feeling the anger as it started to burn. "No she didn't design it this is my design, she stole it from me!" She raised the blade higher. "I created this spring mechanism it's based on one of my designs." Xena felt her eyes dart. "Your design, what design?"

Gabrielle put her hand in her pocket easing out the Black Cap she eyed it for a long moment before closing her hand crushing down hearing the wood crack. Xena moved closer to her. "Gabrielle that's your bird what are doing?" Gabrielle opened her hand eyeing the cracked wooden pieces she ignored the blood as it dripped down from her palm from where the cracked wood had dug in to her skin. She dropped the wood on the table catching sight of the part that really mattered which was the wings. "The bird is irrelevant its wings which matter." She took hold of the spring mechanism raising it slowly. "This weapon is based on my spring mechanism which opens the wings of my birds." She clicked the inner spring watching as the wings opened she clicked the coils again watching as they closed she turned throwing it on to the table as she raised the bronze weapon forcing the blades to close. "The bitch stole my design and turned it in to a weapon!"

She turned throwing the weapon watching as it landed hard on the table she spoke feeling her teeth grind together. "She took something that really matters to me and turned it in to a vile killing weapon and used it against me." She eyed the bronze weapon unable to hide the pain any longer. "I made this design because it meant something to me and now I'm faced with the fact that the things I make to express my feelings are being twisted and bastardized and turned in to weapons of war which can be used to bring about pain and suffering. In other words a weapon designed by werewolves to kill other werewolves in a brutal and horrible way." She took in a painful breath as the pain twisted deeper inside her heart. "When I left the Grand City to come to Corinth on my mission to end your life I left my sketches in my room, I never thought anyone would take them and turn them in to something like this, it isn't how I envisioned my creations."

She leaned against the table feeling the painful tears as they started to run down her face though she knew her tears were about more than this she'd felt so much pain in these past few days but had been unable to release it up until now. In truth this wasn't all about the weapon it was about her son but she couldn't put that pain in to words right now it was just too hard to deal with despite how much she wanted to and as much as she'd been trying to since she'd sat down in the chair the words didn't come despite her attempts. These past years of not being able to express herself properly had made it even harder for her to express her real feelings. Xena stepped forward watching as the tears ran down the younger woman's face it had been so long since she'd seen Gabrielle cry in front of her and the last time it had been her own cruel doing, but now it was different, she was crying because someone else had hurt her deeply. In truth she was sure this was about more than just the weapon and that maybe this was about Gabrielle's lost son but she was wasn't going to press her on subject she knew she needed to be ready to say how she felt about what had happened.

She gently wrapped her arms around her bringing her close. "I believe in my heart Adrienne only took this one design from you, she was foolish and I'm sorry that she twisted one of your beautiful creations in to a weapon of war, I think she this will be the first and the last design she took from you." She breathed in feeling the younger woman's crying suddenly become more intense she carried on speaking softy to the other woman as she held her tighter. "If you tell me where to look I can send out Iona along with her best men and women and they will make sure that this weapon is not in full circulation." She paused hearing no reply as Gabrielle carried on crying she closed her eyes realizing that she would talk when she was ready. Gabrielle breathed in regaining control of tears as best she could. "No its okay I know your right Adrienne would only make one weapon." She eased up her hand wiping away her tears despite that more were flowing. "I just wish now that I had not left my designs in her hands."

Xena eased up her hand wiping away the younger woman's tears with her thumb. "Hey you know I have something that might cheer you up." Gabrielle felt a sad smile form. "What's that?" Xena eased up her hand running it gently through her hair. "The children want to visit you, I said they could say hello, they've been missing you a lot and have been asking after you." Gabrielle breathed in as she gained full control over her emotions once more she eased up her hand putting it on Xena's. "Thank you I appreciate that." She paused looking at the floor. "I need to transform tonight will you stay with me when I do?" Xena looked up sharply. "You have to do this tonight?" Gabrielle nodded. "Yes I have to the longer I wait the worse it will be and once I change it'll heal my lungs and chest completely but changing forms will be more painful." She paused meeting the other woman's concerned gaze. "I want you to be there, I need your company."

Xena eased up her other hand putting it on the other side of her face she felt a warm smile form as she leaned forward kissing her forehead. "Of course I'll stay with you tonight there is no place I'd rather be than by your side." She stepped away moving towards the door watching as Gabrielle pulled on her collar maybe it was the Egyptian cotton which was to hot around her neck. "Can I get you something to eat or drink?" Gabrielle breathed in as she wiped the remaining tears as she looked at the beautiful woman in front of her, why did her gentle kisses have to move her soul so? It felt like torture sometimes she pulled on her collar again wishing that her skin didn't feel so hot she knew full well the heat had nothing to do with the temperature of the room it was in her body rebelling against wishes and a twinge of desire was causing the heat. She forced her self to look down at the floor as she spoke. "Please can I have an apple and some honey water?" Xena eased open the double doors. "Sure I'll be back in a few minutes."

8

Gabrielle took a long sip from the bronze goblet the honey water was cold and refreshing she took in a deep breath closing her eyes for a moment trying to relax her body. She knew what was to come was going to be very painful, but if she didn't do it she wouldn't heal up fully. She ran her hand through her hair feeling very unsure of her self all of a sudden as she sat back in the chair eyeing the darkness outside the room around her was now dimly lit. Xena finished writing on the scrolls which she'd brought in from the study. She poured wax on the last one banging her seal on to it. She looked up seeing the reflective light bounce of Gabrielle's eyes lighting them up in the darkness she felt a warm smile form. "Tell me something." Gabrielle looked up breaking out of her thoughts. "What's that?" Xena gently put down the quill. "Do all werewolves have reflective eyes like yours?" Gabrielle felt her eyes dart. "Yes they do but the lighter colours tend to reflective more than the darker colours."

Xena leaned closer to her. "How is that people haven't said anything about this, I mean it very obvious?" Gabrielle felt a wicked smile form. "If you saw someone's eyes glowing in the dark light of a tavern would you think what you were seeing was real or your imagination?" Xena felt her smile widen. "You have a point if I saw a person with glowing eyes sitting on the other side of a bar in a tavern I would think that I might be imaging things. I also might think that they may have a parent who is none human and wouldn't wish to insult them it's also not unheard of for people with one none human parent to have attributes." She took hold of the younger woman's hand. "I guess that means those who have fled the Grand City and the other cities can hide among normal people and never be questioned." Gabrielle breathed in deeply. "If they are questioned I'm sure they use the excuse that you just mentioned and many others or they don't stay out of sight at night and live secret lives like Kalika did." Xena held her hand tighter. "Your right, she led a very secret life I never once thought that she was a werewolf, she hid it so well."

Gabrielle stood up slowly trying to ignore her uncertainty about her next words. "I need to take my clothes off." Xena let go of her hand as she stood up. "Do you need a hand?" Gabrielle turned her back slowly on her. "No I'm fine." Xena raised an eyebrow feeling a naughty smile form. "You know I have seen you naked so you shouldn't feel so subconscious plus you've seen me naked more than once." Gabrielle eased her shirt off throwing it to one side. "That is true but I don't think I'm that good to look at." Xena let her eyes wander over the other woman's well muscled back as she threw her trousers and belt to one side. "Oh I beg to differ." Gabrielle's eyes met hers for a moment as she put her boots with the rest of her clothing while easing her underwear off. "How is the scar on your chest?" Gabrielle looked down eyeing the faded white mark on her chest. "It's about to disappear forever." Xena felt a warm smile spread across her lips once more. "You know if it doesn't it's not a bad thing I have a scar on my chest you might have seen it."

Gabrielle raised both eyebrows. "Yes I've seen it." Xena put her hand on her chest plate. "It was made by an arrow and it nearly cost me my life but despite that its left a scar I'm still proud of the scar, it reminds me that I'm alive and I survived what most people couldn't and if your scar remains it will symbolizes the same thing." Gabrielle felt a smile form as she looked at her naked body. "I have the one on my eye to remind me off that but thank you for the kind sentiment." She eased up her hand feeling the intense pain in her hands as her transformation began she knew instantly that this wasn't going to be nice. Xena stepped forward as the other woman doubled over crying out in agony as her body started to reform. She'd seen her transform more than once and she knew this was different she was in a lot more pain, she watched as the huge clawed hands hit the floor hard along with the huge clawed feet as her screaming got louder. She stepped closer to her putting her hand on her back feeling the muscles as they reformed under her touch it was so strange, she could feel the bones shifting as the golden fur grew through her fingers.

Gabrielle's screams slowly became roars as her whole body finished reforming and her jaws slammed shut. The younger woman remained on all fours, unmoving her huge head remained lowered as her body went very still. She moved around sitting down in front of her listening to her heavy breathing which was strained. She eased up her hand putting it on her snout stroking gently listening to her heavy breathing the other woman hadn't opened her eyes at all they were closed tight because of the pain she was experiencing. "Where does it hurt?" Gabrielle raised her clawed hand putting it on her chest as she tried to ignore the pain, her lungs felt like they were burning or at least that's how it felt at this moment she couldn't even speak because it hurt so much just to breath and her throat felt like it was being squeezed. Xena moved her other hand up putting it on her chest enjoying the soft fur as she moved her fingers gently caressing it. "You are magnificent in this form has any one ever told you that?" She moved her hand up her snout feeling the velvet on her horns before moving her hand back down to her snout feeling the contours.

She'd touched her when she was human but she'd never really touched her in this form not in a sensual way and now she couldn't help herself. She wanted to touch and feel very part of face her face in this form and she was unable to stop her curiosity as she moved her fingers over one of the protruding teeth before moving them up tracing the deep scar on her right eye. "So beautiful, you know when I feel your fur it's so soft it reminds me of silk." She eased her head forward putting it against Gabrielle's. "It reminds me of when I was a child, my mother used to wrap me in a soft fur blanket and tell me stories of heroes by the fire." She heard Gabrielle's breathing steady as she began to breathe normally once again she looked up speaking in a gentle tone. "Gods I miss her so much, she would have loved to meet you she would have loved you." Gabrielle moved her hand away from her chest putting it against the other woman's face as she opened her eyes speaking in a low whisper. "I wish I'd met her she taught you so much about kindness and compassion."

Xena smiled sadly. "She was very kind she looked at everyone without prejudice my father loved her so deeply she was his world." Gabrielle breathed in sadly. "It sounds as though they loved each other very much." Xena kept her head in place. "They did." Gabrielle moved her clawed hand running it through the other woman's long dark hair. "Can I sleep here tonight I won't bother you I'll sleep on the floor?" Xena eased her head back putting her hand on the larger clawed one. "No you can sleep on the bed it's big enough." Gabrielle felt her eyes dart. "But my claws…." Xena spoke cutting her off mid sentence. "I don't care about your claws or your teeth Gabrielle you can sleep on the bed with me, I want your company." Gabrielle closed her eyes realizing that there was no point in arguing with the other woman had made up her mind and she couldn't change it she opened her eyes speaking in a gentle tone. "Thank you."

Xena pulled away watching as the younger woman turned taking hold of her skirt and belt which was close by she put down the belt then eased on the skirt tying up the ends with her clawed fingers. She took hold of the thick large belt wrapping it around the other woman's furry waist above her skirt tying the ends up carefully. She eyed the belts odd patterns of colour realizing that they'd been painted on recently as the last time she'd seen this belt it had been blank of colour. She looked up slightly. "I like the colours when did you paint them on?" Gabrielle eyed the colours which where in truth those she'd seen on her counterpart's waist belt in the vision, though she didn't care too much for her clothing she did like her belt it really had stuck out to her for some reason. After her walk she'd come back in and painted the patterns on her belt as best she could remember them. "I painted them on after I came back from my walk, its difficult to explain I saw a belt like this in a vision when I was in my sick bed I loved the colours and shapes and I wanted to have them on my own belt." Xena ran her finger over the colours. "Then it was a good vision because it really suits you."

She turned as knock came on the door. "Come in." She watched as Thaleia opened the doors followed by her mother and the children. Gabrielle turned eyeing the children who she instantly recognised. She felt a smile form as Kaia ran towards her putting her small hands on one of her clawed one the little girl looked up clearly very happy to see her as she spoke in a high pitched voice filled with glee. "Your well, we missed you we heard you fell out of a window!" Gabrielle turned as Thaleia came to stand opposite her as all the children sat down in front of her she turned back to Kaia whose eyes were wide. "I did fall out of a window Kaia, but I'm all right now." Thaleia moved over putting her hand on Gabrielle's shoulder. "I'm so glad you're all right I'm sorry I wasn't able to see you this morning I was to busy to do so but I'm so glad you're well again. Me and my mother we saw you fall from the window it was….." Gabrielle eased up her clawed hand putting it on her friends. "Its okay I'm fine now, you shouldn't worry I'm a werewolf I can walk away from things which most people can't."

She paused meeting her dark gaze. "Thank you though for helping to stitch up my chest." Thaleia raised an eyebrow. "You remember that? I heard you speaking…we all thought you were delirious." Xena looked up sharply Gabrielle remembered what she had said? Like the others she had thought that she had been delirious. She lowered her gaze then she did have feelings for her, she remembered her words very clearly. "You have such beautiful eyes…their like blue sapphire…being hit by the morning sunlight." She looked up slowly watching as Fedora gave her a very knowing look she felt her smile turn to a wide grin this made things feel so much better in her heart, as it meant that she truly had a chance with this woman, before now she'd hesitated out of doubt because Gabrielle hadn't always returned the affection but this changed everything on so many levels. Fedora moved forward watching as her daughter stepped aside she leaned over wrapping her arms around Gabrielle's neck. "We are so happy that your alive everyone was so worried about you."

Gabrielle watched as she pulled away. "Thank you I'm fine now I just needed rest." Fedora turned to the children realizing that they were all looking unsure of what to do or say, most were just looking around the Empress's room in awe. "Say hello to Empress everyone she's been kind enough to let us come and visit Gabrielle." Xena gave them a smile as they said hello. Gabrielle shifted closer to the children. "I have a gift for all of you." Titus looked up sharply. "A gift what kind of gift?" Gabrielle raised her clawed hand. "Look behind you it's next to Empress's bed it's a special carving I made just for your new room." Neola eyed the huge carving suddenly feeling giddy with surprise. "It's Jason and he is fighting the Hydra." Gabrielle felt her smile turn to a wide grin. "Yes it is, someone told me that you all liked the story." Kaia looked up again keeping her hands on the large clawed one. "Have you ever met Jason?" Gabrielle shook her head. "No I've never met him I've heard he lives a very private life now."

Titus turned nervously looking at the tall dark haired woman dressed in silver plated armour he had never seen the Empress before in person this was the first time and his fathers words rang true she was an imposing woman. He spoke realizing that his voice sounded a little small. "Have you ever met Jason…Empress?" Xena turned to the young boy who was clearly a little scared of her she raised her hand speaking softly hoping that her calm voice would put him at ease. "No I have never met him, though I have given him an open invitation to the palace but as Gabrielle says he's a very private man." She watched as the boy smiled becoming more at ease along with a few of the other children who had been a little nervous. She watched as Gabrielle turned to them speaking once more she carried on staring she could watch her for hours and never get bored. It was so fascinating to watch her with these children who all clearly liked being around her, she was so good with them she wished now that her son had lived because she deserved to be a mother.

End of part 73

Silvermoonlight

Thank you everyone for your kind reviews, favs and follows I really appreciates them.

P.S The next chapter is going to be big, lets just say I've stewed this boiling subtext pot long enough :D