TO FOR FILL THE HEARTS NEEDS AND EMBRACE THE MOMENT

Xena opened her eyes slowly, it was just before dawn she breathed in catching sight of Gabrielle who still hadn't changed back she was lying on top of the covers opposite her legs pulled up so her clawed feet didn't stick out. Her head was resting on her arms so the horns were pointing upwards. She could see the huge chest breathing in then out it was a slow drawn out breathes with out issue, clearly her chest and lungs were very much healed now. She seemed so peaceful there were no signs of tension in her face she was clearly having a calm dream and not having a nightmare. She eased out her hand running it up the long snout very gently then moved it down to the clawed hand running her fingers slowly over the claws. It was strange how despite all Gabrielle's power despite her teeth despite her claws the woman before her always showed such tenderness and gentleness in this form yet at the same time she'd seen the power to destroy, kill and shatter body parts.

It was a strange paradox like looking at the separate faces of a coin yet nether side scared her, she was no fool she knew that you couldn't have the light with out the darkness just like you couldn't have the day with out the night. Both made up the whole of a person and the only time this darkness ever came in to question was when it began to consume the light that was when horrific acts were committed and people suffered. She slowly sat up in bed as a thought crossed her mind which was Adrienne's words about Gabrielle being part of the androphonomania massacre. She knew those were the words of a jealous lover who couldn't have her property back but then that was how Adrienne had seen Gabrielle as a possession and not a person. She shook her head as she eased herself out of bed trying to remain quite as not to wake up the other woman. It had to be a lie Gabrielle wouldn't take part of something like that she was a warrior she didn't go around killing innocent people, it would go against her code of honour.

True Gabrielle wasn't always the best with people but she had a clear understanding of what it was to rule and she was very compassionate she didn't show any signs that she had ever been a murder. She closed her eyes taking in a deep breath, no she was going to ignore that bitch's words Gabrielle wasn't a murder she wouldn't slaughter all off those innocent men, women and children. She didn't have the stomach to kill children she'd seen it in her eyes when she was around children she was tender and gentle with them and after the loss of her son she doubted that she could ever bring herself to do something like that it would go against everything she believed in and who she was as a person. The truth was she didn't care anymore for waiting today she was going to open my heart to her and tell her a simple truth, which was that she loved her. Her thoughts were shattered as she heard the cracking of bone she turned watching as Gabrielle slowly began to take back her human form. The claws vanished and the hands became normal while the face slowly reformed back to that of a young woman the scar above her right remaining as always and never changing what ever her form.

She watched as the now naked woman mumbled in her sleep as she turned over on to her front grabbing a pillow in her sleep and putting her head on it. She took hold off the cover on her side easing it over her naked body in a gentle motion so she would stay warm. She felt a smile form as she moved towards the wash room it would be a while before the younger woman got up so there was plenty of time to get washed and ready maybe before breakfast she'd take a nice long walk in the gardens and enjoy the cool morning air, then she could come back to the room. She turned eyeing the wooden carving she'd make sure also that someone picked it up today and took it down to the children's room she'd take it herself if it weren't so heavy and difficult to carry plus she hated the idea of ruining it after all the hard work Gabrielle had put in to it. She looked at the younger woman again for a long moment taking in the view before walking towards the wash room feeling a light sensation fill her heart.

8

Gabrielle opened her eyes slowly watching as everything lit up, she breathed in feeling the warm cover which had been put over her body no doubt by Xena, she sat up in bed seeing that the room was empty. Her gaze drifted to her freshly washed clothing which had been laid out Thaleia had no doubt put them out for her early this morning and taken away her dirty clothing. She felt a smile form as caught sight of her favourite shirt the white one with the silver embroiled sleeves along with her dark brown trousers and knee high boots. Her smile faded away as the thought that was eating at her mind hit home, she had to tell Xena the truth about the androphonomania massacre. She couldn't take the pain of hiding it anymore for better or for worse she had to say something. The truth was that she'd been holding back out of fear of loosing her friendship and now that it was clear that the other woman was in love with her it terrified her even more she closed her eyes taking in a deep breath.

She'd fought battles that felt easier than getting her head around her own feelings at this moment in time. She wanted freedom from this pain she'd been carrying so badly even more than she wanted to breathe. She eased herself out of bed, she needed a wash she could feel the sticky feeling on her neck and back she turned eyeing Xena's large wash room with its deep bath and curtains. She took in a deep breath she could strong she could do this she could tell her the truth. Xena was a kind person she had to tell her and hope that she'd forgive her for what had happened. She wanted to be forgiven for her sins even If she wasn't worthy of forgiveness, she saw it as her only way to move forward in her life. Even if she spent the rest of her life making up for her wrong doings it would at least be the first step down that road. She didn't deserve to forgive herself but at least if she knew the other woman could forgive her then it might be enough just to make that start. She was willing to do what ever it took to have that forgiveness even it meant she had to leave.

She had to take this leap of and hope for the best, she took hold of her pendent she rarely prayed as she believed that actions always spoke louder than words but today she needed to say something to know that what she was asking had real meaning. She looked down at the floor ignoring the cold air against her naked body as she spoke in a voice which seemed small even to her own ears. "I don't ask for anything from you Ouroboros I don't question your plans for me I never have but I ask this off you now, please let her forgive me I can't stand this pain anymore it's been haunting me for years and I want to escape it. So I beg that you show me mercy today or if not today then in the future I know I don't deserve forgiveness I have done terrible things in my past things which I know will be judged against me when I die but I want the chance to do good and right those terrible wrongs in some way, even if it takes the rest of my life."

She opened her eyes letting go of her pendent as she moved over to the wash room running the water which was cool to the touch. She calmly washed herself and then dried herself off before moving over to her clothes. She eased on her underwear followed by her trousers and her knee night black boots which had just been cleaned and buffed to a shine. She really wished that Thaleia wouldn't shine her boots as she'd always done it herself through out most of her life and it felt so odd to allow someone else to do it. It was Thaleia's job though and she didn't want to take any way any of her friend's duties despite how she felt about them. She pulled on her shirt buttoning it up carefully before tightening the sleeves and tucking it in to her trousers. She took hold of her comb which had also been left in the room then began to brush her hair.

She found herself tossing her comb on to the table as she stood up suddenly feeling the intense need to pace, she needed to get this over with, all she had to do was tell the truth it was that simple. Once she spoke this pain she was holding would no longer be her dirty vile secret. She took in a deep breath trying to calm herself down she just had to be level headed about this. She just had to say what she felt and not back out at the last moment which she'd done so many times before. Why did everything in her life feel like it was about to come down to one defining moment? She pulled on her collar she just had to keep it together and not be afraid even though to say that was a lie and she knew it. She was terrified right now, she knew all to well how to mask her fear and pain but she couldn't hide from this just like she couldn't hide from the truth.

8

I hope that she's awake now she should be and if she is I hope she's dressed but even if she isn't I don't mind. I'll wake her up maybe then we can have a late breakfast together or go somewhere I don't care where we go a play or see some kind of sport in the arena or even walk the streets of Corinth, so long as Gabrielle comes with me. I know that to get her out of these walls will make her happy, maybe then I can find out what she's likes. Its funny but in these past few hours I've been thinking very deeply about an famous Arabic proverb I read once during my travels in my youth before I became Empress of Greece back when I was a warrior who liberated others from their suffering and had just I started to fix things through diplomacy where and when ever I could rather than pull out my sword.

"And lo, the beast looked upon the face of beauty and beauty stayed his hand."

I've heard that line a thousand times, yet I've never understood its meaning not until now. How I perceived everything was wrong I had it all backwards. I believed monsters could destroy you, I believed that they could consume you and in part that's right. Its just she has consumed me but not in the way I ever thought possible. I'm afraid, I'm terrified and yet as I stand here watching her pace in that manner she does when something's bothering her, when I'm here with her I feel that I'm home. I now need to go in to the room I have so much to say and I haven't even begun. They say that taking the first step is easy yet I'm finding this so hard. She's fought me all the way right from the very beginning no one has ever fought me so much and I confess she's been a pain in the ass at times. She can be stubborn, difficult and she says just what she feels but I guess that's why I'm so attracted to her.

She wants to fight to survive to be someone, she survives despite being what she is she endures despite all that's put on her shoulders and she sees the world in a way I could never envision. Gods I love her and I need to tell her, I watch her in the light of her room I know I want to be with her for the rest of my life. I've never been so sure of anything in my life. We were both forced in to positions of power with out our consent and have been forced to make very difficult choices. Those choices have shaped us and moulded us both in ways we don't wish and cannot change. I feel for the first time in a long time that the things are crystal clear like a water spring in the early morning light. All this began some time ago when I took a long walk in the darkness one night and found something I shouldn't have, which changed everything.

I never expected to find her in that pit, now I'm so glad I did and if I could turn back the clock I wouldn't want to. My biggest regret though is what I did to her in front of the royals and everything I did to her when I found out that she wasn't human, it still disgusts me even to this day because I know that is not the person I am. I didn't realize that I could be that evil or cruel, it was very easy for me, almost too easy and I find that deeply unsettling. I will never be that evil again I will not be a conqueror or a warlord the thought makes me sick to the stomach. In a way despite this I'm happy that is was Gabrielle who showed me this side of myself because at the time I wasn't listening to anyone else. I felt so detached even from my own staff, now I feel that I know my own staff better than I ever did and I'm grateful for that I also feel that things can only move forwards from here.

Xena took in a deep breath before putting her hand on the slightly ajar door opening it fully watching as Gabrielle stopped pacing looking up sharply her forest green eyes darting with uncertainty. She felt a warm smile form as she walked in side closing the doors behind her trying to ignore the beating of her heart which felt as though it would break through her chest at any given moment. She moved towards the younger woman who now looked nervous as she swallowed as if getting ready to speak. She raised her hand speaking in a calm soft voice. "Its okay Gabrielle you don't have to say a word." Gabrielle pulled on her collar feeling the twinge of heat once more. The other woman's voice sounded like silk, she looked up meeting her intense light blue gaze and all of a sudden she couldn't move or even think straight. It was like the dark haired woman was looking right in to her soul and she was completely powerless to do anything at all but stare back.

If anything was happening around her right now she knew she'd be completely obvious to it, the palace could be falling down all around her and she wouldn't even notice it. Xena took a step forward so she was standing in front of the other woman she eased her hand up putting it on her face running it down her cheek gently watching as the green eyes which reminded of lush green forests in spring closed for an instant before opening again as the younger woman put her hands on hers. She paused enjoying the moment then moved her other hand up to her collar running it down the edge she could see still see the uncertain emotions playing out in the other woman's eyes. She wasn't hiding any of her feelings at this moment and was being completely open and it was such a beautiful sight. She stopped playing with her collar as eased her other hand up putting it on the other side of her face as she leaned closer, right now she wanted her actions to speak louder than any words.

She leaned closer meeting her lips feeling the softness as she gave her a gentle kiss, she pulled back feeling Gabrielle's body tense a little as her eyes went wider there was no resistant though and she made no attempt to pull away. She leaned forward again she wanted to make her feelings truly felt now and that this was about more than friendship it was about love and she was wanted this woman to feel her love. She met her lips again but with much more passion at first feeling no response from the other woman ether because of the surprise or the uncertainty. Gabrielle felt the lips against her own her head felt like it was swimming and her mind was trying desperately to catch up. She wasn't a child she was a grown woman and she knew this kiss being given to her now was an open invitation. She felt her mind suddenly click back in to gear as her body started to rebel against her wishes as the desire to kiss back became overwhelming, even though she knew she shouldn't despite everything.

She couldn't help herself as she started to respond she was powerless but to respond to this woman who she knew was in love with her and who she cared about so deeply suddenly her feelings didn't matter. What did was this kiss and how it made her feel and all she could do was respond back with the same passion as the other woman pulled her closer running both hands through her hair. She eased up her own running them down her back completely lost in the moment. Xena stopped pausing for an instant as she took in a deep breath only to meet the other woman's lips again she wanted to cry out to heavens and the gods and thank them just for giving her this moment. The other woman was responding to her, which meant that she both cared about and loved her as well even though she didn't say it. She didn't have to her lips said everything along with her hands which were moving down her back in a gentle and loving motion but she could sense the fire in her kiss along with the longing, wanting and the need to hold back.

She moved away from her lips moving to her neck laying kisses on her soft skin hearing the sharp intake of breath from the other woman she was sure that the younger woman had a very fire some side to her nature and she could only imagine what it was like under the sheets. Yet a part of her wanted to know that part of her in fact she graved the thought of making love to her and finding out what it was like. She wanted the younger woman to let go and stop restraining herself. She had no fear of what would come she wanted to embrace it and sink in to it. She was so in love with her that she didn't even care if her werewolf version of giving love meant pain or rage due to her in human strength, to her it would feel like pleasure. She moved her hand running it down her shirt from her neck down to her waist enjoying the sudden gasp at it came from her lips. Gods she was beautiful and she didn't even know it. Everything about her was wonderful the smell of her hair the fresh washed clothes the feel of her soft skin.

Gabrielle felt the sudden panic over take her as the thoughts that had been tormenting her came back once more taking away the joy of the moment. She had to stop this now despite how much she wanted and needed it and how much she cared about the older woman. She eased up her hands grabbing the Xena's armour plated shoulders as she pushed her back keeping her hands on her armour as she spoke trying to catch her breath as her heart raced. "I…I…can't do this." Xena blinked seeing the fear in Gabrielle's eyes which was so open along with an intense pain. She eased up her hand putting it on her face she didn't need to be afraid of this she should welcome it. "Yes you can Gabrielle don't be afraid of this it's good and its right I don't care about you being a werewolf ether, it's never bothered me." She leaned forward gently kissing her lips again. "I love you, I can't imagine living a day with out you I want you by my side until the day I die."

She moved her fingers up tracing the scar on the other woman's face with her thumb. "I don't care what the Greek Empire thinks of me or my actions they can go Tartarus because no one will ever keep me from loving you." Gabrielle lowered her gaze to the floor keeping the other woman from holding her despite that she wanted it more than she wanted breath. She looked meeting her gaze. "No you don't understand it's not that, I've done something terrible, I've committed an act of sin and you've not seen me for what I truly am." She took in a painful breath. "I am a monster who has spilt blood of the worst kind." Xena shook her head keeping hold off her. "You are not a monster Gabrielle don't call yourself that you are anything but that. You are a noble and honest warrior who is kind and thoughtful to others, its one of the qualities I love about you." Gabrielle shook her head feeling the frustration hit home. "No you don't understand what Adrienne said it's true! I did it!" Xena felt her eyes dart. "You did what Gabrielle?"

Gabrielle felt her body tense as her teeth grinded together as she punctuated every single word. "It was me, I led the androphonomania massacre I killed innocent people in the name of my race!" Xena felt her eyes dart what in Tartarus, was she hearing this right. She took in a deep breath trying to contain the thoughts in her minds which were turning and twisting like the head of a hydra. She felt Gabrielle's hands loosen she turned meeting her gaze which was filled with pain as she finally found her voice. "No this cannot be true…you cannot be telling me the truth. The androphonomania massacre…." Gabrielle tensed painfully. "The androphonomania massacre was my doing! I was the one who brought about all that pain and suffering! I'm telling you this because I can't keep this to myself any longer its destroying me. It's been tearing me apart for such a long time and I don't want the pain anymore of keeping this to myself it hurts too much!" Xena pulled away from her feeling the pain in her heart. "No this can not be so..."

Gabrielle shook head. "It is true! It was my doing I was forced to make a choice and I took it." She lowered her gaze to the floor. "I dishonoured myself in the name of my race." She put a hand on her face. "I'm telling you this now because you have a right to know my sins you have the right to see me with out your eyes being closed. I have dishonoured you and your people by keeping this from you for so long." She breathed in painfully. "I kept it to myself out of fear and because I did not want you to know the truth that I have done things which are worthy of the name monster." She felt her body shiver painfully. "I do not expect you to love a monster, who could love a monster like me who has slain innocent men and women by tearing them apart?" She turned painfully moving towards the central door opening it slowly. "I wish things were different but they aren't and I cannot hide from the truth anymore." Xena stood still the shock sinking in as the younger woman left the room closing the door behind her leaving her standing alone trying to comprehend her thoughts which were now a jumbled mess as everything came crashed down around her it, felt like her world no longer made any sense.

End of part 74

Silvermoonlight

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