I'm Giving Up On You

The song is like a drug to me. Intoxicating. Blurring my thoughts. Blurring the image of Jace. Don't think about him, I tell myself.

Trey is pressed close to me, close enough I would feel uncomfortable if I was sober.

We don't talk, we dance to the blaring music. I forget about everything, just concentrating on losing myself.

Trey's brown hair sticks to his forehead because of sweat, and his hands move down to my hips. And I allow him to. I actually like it. I grind against him, making him groan and bury his face against my neck. He carefully sucks my skin, and I shudder in pleasure.

My head hurts from all the drinking, but Trey chases the pain away.

His hands travel lower, and grab my dress. He slowly hitch it up, and I don't resist. He then, kisses me on my lips passionately, his hands touching every part of my body.

"Not... Here," I gasp.

I wake up to soft breath on the back of my neck. I slowly open my eyes, finding myself facing a white wall. With a pair of strong arms around me. Around me, naked. Yelping, I push the arm away, sitting up, but covering myself with the white sheet.

"Hey. Sorry if I scared you."

"Trey?" I ask, confused.

"You don't remember anything?"

I remember drinking. Pandemonium. Seeing Trey. Dancing. And... Oh god.

"Did we... Do it?" I ask carefully.

"Um... Yeah, I think so."

Damn. I lost my virginity last night, and I don't remember the process. I've always dreamed of my perfect first time. But this...

"Did we use protection?" I ask again, my voice trembling.

"Oh shit," he says, looking alert.

This isn't good.

"I am... So sorry."

"It's okay," not.

"I should have been more careful."

"I did it too. It's my fault that I was so drunk."

"Well, you're better than girls in the movie freaking out because they lost virginity."

Um... I am freaking out. Like freaking out crazy.

"I should... Get home. Is your mom here?" I don't want to burst into tears in front of this boy.

"No. She's out."

I cover myself with the bedsheets and get out of the bed. I find my dress on the floor and pick it up.

"I... Um... Need to get dressed."

He nods and leaves the room.

Okay, I am not going to cry. Not here at least. I put the clothes on fast, and go outside, finding Trey making a bowl of cereals.

"You want some?"

"No thanks."

"Are you gonna go now?"

"Yeah... I've got some works to do."

"You need a ride?"

"No, I can catch a cab."

"Alright. So call me... When you need me?" He tells me, giving me his number.

Like when I find out I'm pregnant?

"Sure. Bye."

I sob in the water, coughing and hiccuping at the same time, which makes really weird sound. I cry until I feel like every moisture in my body is gone, praying tha the test result will be negative. How could I be so stupid? I clean my body over and over, disgusted at the fact that I willingly let someone I barely know touch it just a few months after his death.

I slowly punch in the number, and wait for him to answer.

"Hello?"

"Hey, this is Clary."

"Oh hey. I was waiting for you to call. So...?"

"Negative."

He lets out a breath, and I can mentally see him smiling.

"Good. Are you alright?"

"Yes."

"Was it... Your first time?"

"Yeah," I admit.

"Sorry."

"I don't... Really want to talk about it."

"Okay. Oh, and Clary?"

"Yeah?"

"I was wondering... Are you busy tonight?"

"No. Why?"

"Well, there's this art museum I know, and I thought maybe we could go together?"

Is this guy seriously asking me out on a date after sleeping with me? I consider this for a moment.

"I don't know, Trey. I just don't feel like going out right now."

"Oh. That's okay," he says, sounding disappointed.

"Sorry."

"It's fine, really. I need to go now. Maybe I'll see you again?"

"Yeah. Bye."

Before Jace, I'd have felt excited for being asked out, but now, I'm just afraid I'll have my heart broken again.

That night, I call Simon.

"Hey, what's up?"

"Feeling all guilty..."

"Why? What's wrong?"

I debate over telling him what happened or not.

"I lost my virginity last night," I say, taking a deep breath.

"And...?"

"Simon! It's only been months since his death, and I don't even remember it!"

"Look, I can clearly see you freaking out right now, about how you betrayed him, but seriously. He's gone, Clary."

"I... I can't believe you just said that."

"You need to admit it. You need to take it in. I get it that you still love him, but you still have your life, you know. Talk, laugh, meet your old friends again, go to school, go out an a date-"

"Don't you think he'll be mad if I move on so fast?"

"Clary, Jace loves you. He wants you to be happy."

Trey. Oh god. I'm going to call him.

"Bye, Simon!" I yell and hang up.

I still love him, and I know that no one will ever be able to replace him, but Simon was right. Jace wouldn't like this weak, pathetic Clary.

I don't feel that way toward Trey, but what's wrong with giving him a chance? Maybe just as friends. Someone who can help me get over it. Someone who can make me stronger.

This is hard. Really hard. But somehow, hearing his name again from someone, it made me stronger. Simon's right. It's been almost a year, not just a few months.

"Jace, thanks for making me strong again. I love you. And I know that I'll never stop loving you. But I changed my mind. I won't keep ruining myself over this just like that supid girl in Twilight. I will be strong. At least for you."

Then, I call him.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's me. Clary."

"Oh hi, is there something wrong?"

"No, I was just wondering... Do you still have that museum ticket? I changed my mind. I want to go."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I already asked someone else."

Of course he did, Clary. You barely know him. I try to hide my disappointment, which doesn't seem to work so well.

"But... Maybe if it's okay with you, we can still hang out. I mean, if you're not busy tomorrow, we can go to Java Jones and-"

"That sounds good. See you then."

"Yeah, good night."

When I put my phone down, I let out the breath I was holding.

I finally did it. I finally made one step toward normal. And possibly next Monday, I'm going to get back to school.

"So where were you? You were suddenly gone, and nobody knew why."

I gulp at his question. Just thinking about it hurts so much.

"Um... Family buisness."

"Oh...?"

"It's complicated, really. Long story."

"I think I can keep up."

"I can't."

"You want to talk about something else?"

"Can we talk about something simple? Like... What's your favorite food?"

"Pasta. Definitely. You?"

"Sushi for life."

"Sushi? Eww. How can you eat raw fish?"

"Hey, it's good."

"What's your favorite movie?"

"Damn. I can't choose. Ask me something else."

"Are you going to come back to school someday?"

"Oh, yeah. I actually plan on going back next Monday."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Well, welcome back! I'm sure everyone misses you."

"Is Mr. Woods still the same?"

"Unfortunately, he is. Remember that time when he was standing between the projector and the screen and the image was projected on his bald forehead? That was so hilarious."

"Oh yeah, and he didn't notice it, so everyone was literally dying."

After a few minutes, I realize that I'm actually having fun. I'm smiling, and already feel comfortable with him.

'Jace, I'll move on. At least I'll try to.'

That was the second chapter! So this is definitely about Clary and Jonathan, but I kinda like the idea of Trey in the story, so maybe I'll put Jonathan in the next chapter. Hope you enjoyed and please correct any of my mistakes!