A PAINFUL PATH WHICH WE FORCE OURSELVES TO WALK DOWN
I want to forget what I just heard yet I can't it just stuck in my mind like an agonizing nail the way I saw everything has now been thrown in to complete chaos. I can't believe what I've just heard and I know Gabrielle never lies and yet I don't want to believe it, I want it to be a lie. Yet I know its not and I can't escape it. Gabrielle took part in the androphonomania massacre the worst massacre to have taken place during my reign as Empress as Greece. I know as I walk up the hall towards the Chara's study it feels like every nerve ending in my body is firing all at once. I want to confirm this in the records I want something to confirm Gabrielle's words. Most of all I want this all to be a lie because I don't know how to deal with the truth that she did this or played a role in it. I can feel tears running down my face I want to break in to tears and cry my heart out for all I'm worth right now but I'm holding myself back. I feel so frustrated and confused I wanted this day to be the day I told her that I loved her yet now I'm faced with a truth I don't want to believe and I don't want to face but I know I have to and it's causing such pain in my heart.
If she did this what am I meant to do, how do we even go on from here? I don't want her to leave she's my friend yet I know the political fall out that this could case if it gets out. There has always been so much hatred surrounding the androphonomania massacre it's a terrible mine field. There's more though there were children who were killed in that massacre. These innocent little children who were torn limb from limp or had their guts ripped out, it's the stuff of nightmares. Every time I see the image of Gabrielle doing that it makes me feel sick, I never saw her that way she's always been so good with children and the thought of her doing something like this shocks me to my very soul. If all of this is true if this nightmare is as real as tasting blood in my mouth on the battle field I have no idea how to solve it if it comes up with the diplomats if they find out about this. I had intentions to show Gabrielle to them as figure of strength and honour the ideal werewolf the bend mark for how werewolves as a race should be viewed.
Gods there has to be a reason for all of this, something that will make sense of it all, why did she keep this from me? Xena wiped away the painfully tears as she came to stand in front of the door of Chara and Phrixus's study she forced open the double doors harshly not caring as they smashed against the cement with the force. She watched as Chara looked up sharply while Phrixus breathed out the smoke from his pipe as he eyed the Ethereal Ark Of Fire scroll a smile appearing on his face as he turned to her. "Empress it's so good to see…" He stopped catching sight of the dark haired woman's tear stained face. "Are you all right?" Xena raised her hand. "No I'm not!" She watched as he fell silent the confusion in his face she turned to Chara who blinked in surprise. "I want every scroll there is on the androphonomania massacre!" Chara moved away from her desk putting down her quill. "The androphonomania massacre, everything?"
Xena felt her hand form a fist. "Yes everything I know you keep all the records on it in here and not in the main study, they've been here ever since it happened because we have never fully resolved the situation!" She ran a hand through her hair in frustration. "All unresolved scrolls end up here, along with all the other problems which I can't change or fix." Chara moved nervously over to the section easing the scrolls free which were all bound in leather holders and labelled she paused eyeing the taller woman. "Why do you need to look at androphonomania massacre scrolls Empress I mean we know that werewolves caused it, but we never knew anymore on the subject, has Gabrielle told you something of importance?" Xena took hold of the scrolls holders not bothering to look up as she spoke unable to keep the pain out of her voice. "Yes…she's told me something." She breathed in painfully. "Something I didn't wish to know."
She turned moving towards the open doors she knew she had to read these scrolls but she didn't want to read them in front of the others. She turned taking the long walk back to her study forcing open the door then closed it forcefully behind her. She pulled the scrolls from their holders scattering them on her desk in a violent motion, before throwing the leather holders to one side. She sat herself down painfully in her chair as she started to rummage through the scrolls looking at the many names of those who had died as well as reports and maps showing the red rings around the villages which had been destroyed as well as journal notes from both survivors and a few of the warriors who had lived though the event. She now knew that those that had survived had probably been turned in to werewolves and were now living secret lives. She breathed in picking up a journal note from one of the survivors reading it.
"I have seen blood and I have seen the fires of war I am a retired warrior who served my term as a hoplite. Yet I cannot get away from the nightmare which I have witnessed today. As I watched my wife and children be torn apart by these vile monsters. The gods have condemned me and brutalize me. I curse you Ares, I spit on you for bringing this horror about and taking away my son, daughter and my wife. These monsters brought horror in to my life and anger in to my heart. I curse all werewolves and I hope they die out as a race and I also curse the brown coloured one who tainted my blood with its claws and who left me for dead only for my body to survive and be bastardized! This scroll is written by Idas Greek citizen and survivor of the god's wraith."
Xena put down the scroll she'd read it before but now she understood this mans meaning when referring to the werewolves claws, he had lost his family and had been turned in to a werewolf. Though the scroll didn't say who took away his humanity it was very clear that a werewolf was to blame. She breathed in putting down the scroll as she shifted through more scrolls suddenly finding one which she had overlooked so many years ago it was by a hoplite who everyone had considered delusional because he was very close to death. The stained blood was still on the scroll along with his bloody finger marks it was like a living memory which was still fresh. She looked at the stains the man who had written this with his final dying breath, which meant that to him that this mattered more than anything. She slowly looked at the scribbled words written in black ink which were jerky due to pain the writer had been in during his last and final moments.
"My name is Timon and as I sit here dying on the floor of a villager's home I feel I must document this because it will matter. Please give the scroll in my pocket to my partner and tell him that I love him and will be waiting for him in the Elysian Fields when his time comes. I write this because I saw something strange it was a wolf which walked like a man I know there are many wolves who walk like people they destroyed this village but this one who put its claws through my stomach and left me to die it had horns like deer, horns covered in velvet. I know this matters I know it's important I hope that who ever reads this will realize that it matters. This wolf creature this thing with crooked velvet horns…it was leading all the other walking wolves and bringing the blood and the agony…that is all I have to…say and if you are reading this now then I am dead."
Xena breathed in painfully putting the scroll down it confirmed Gabrielle's words, but this scroll didn't say that she'd killed anyone else. Oh gods why was she lying to herself she could see the truth in these words a dying men and women never lied about anything when they were inches from death. She knew that better than anyone else as most people believed that to keep lies from the gods would condemn them in the after life. She shook her head moving though the rest of the journals most were just about the deaths and the horrors that had taken place. She stopped as she came across another journal which had been filed under strange claims along with the dead hoplites. She shook her head picking up the scroll looking at it, it wasn't written by a survivor or a warrior but an onlooker who was clearly desperate to make a point, a point which at the time no one had heard and everyone including herself had ignored.
"It wasn't a Satyr! I know a Satyr when I see one just because it had horn's that does not make it a Satyr I would know since my cousin slept with one once. I mean it's not like these things don't happen some humans are married to Satyr's, Centaurs as well as Minotaurs. What I saw leaving that village was not a Satyr or a Minotaur it was something else entirely. A werewolf with crooked horns, yes you're reading this right, it had crooked velvet horns it was covered in blood and wearing a bronze armour which had strange moving sections on the chest.My name is Maeve and I saw the bodies of children ripped to ribbons and men and women with there bodies torn open. I do not write this to be amusing or coy and I'm sick of the warriors I speak to laughing at me because of this when I know what I saw was real. So I write this now in the hope that one day it will be taken seriously and that the crooked velvet horned werewolf that killed all those people will be brought to justice!"
Xena put the scroll down putting her hands on her face unable to stop the tears as they started to flow Gabrielle never lied. She had killed all those people and their children. It was all true and now so many horrible images were cascading through her mind of Gabrielle tearing children apart yet this woman had been so kind to the palace children yet during the massacre she'd been a monster. She smashed her fist down hard on the table she wanted to hate her right now so badly for telling this she would rather have remained ignorant than think about the fact that this woman could rip the palace children apart. She felt her scream of anger hit the air as she pushed the scrolls of the desk in a violent motion feeling the tears started to run down her face even harder why were the gods cursing her with this now? She was in love with this woman she didn't want to envision her this way, it was like some cruel joke which she couldn't hide from or get away from.
People would want to skin Gabrielle's hide for this and she was the one who had just created equal rights for werewolves and ended the hunting law. She felt her other hand form a fist as the anger took over she was so angry now at Gabrielle for telling her this! She should have told her after they'd become friends! Yet she knew why she hadn't spoken about this because she knew she'd see her as a monster for what she'd done and that was the problem, she now saw her as one right now despite her feelings for her. She wiped away her tears gaining control of her emotions she wanted to know everything right now from the younger woman. The whole story, not that she'd just led this horrible event she wanted her to see the names of all those she'd killed. Even though she knew putting her through that kind of pain was wrong as it wouldn't help ether of them in the long run.
Most of all she wanted answers! She needed the answers as she had no idea where ether of them where were they supposed to go from here with this? Gabrielle couldn't just throw this in her lap and leave it like this! She needed to know how they'd play this to the public if it ever came out with out it turning in to political melt down! This day was meant to be the day that she confessed her love yet it had turned in to a nightmare, she breathed in staring at the journals again, what made this even worse was that she had walked through one of these villages and she had felt physically sick at the sight in front of her she seen, it still brought a shiver down her spine even to this day. She put a hand through her hair in frustration she needed those answers now more than anything just so she could make sense of all this!
8
Should I have left the room, yes I should have my being there wouldn't have been a good thing. Xena needed time, yet now I feel miserable, she won't forgive me for this, I already know about the political fall out which could come from this. She signed the document ending the haunting law and giving equal rights to my people but it doesn't change the hated that comes from those who lost their friends and family during that terrible event. Maybe I shouldn't have told her but I know to keep it to myself would only make it worse and she have ever found out, if not from me then from another one of my enemies who wanted to tarnish my reputation and destroy our friendship. Why am I even bothering to use that word? What happened in her room an hour ago was not about being friends anymore it was about being in a relationship and becoming more still.
I hate myself for ending that kiss I was enjoying more than breathing it was everything I wanted to feel and everything I needed. She wanted me, she loves me, yet here I sit in my chair in my own room alone. Because I just had to tell the truth to her, I know that the chance to be more than friends will now probably pass me by there is no forgiveness for that kind of sin. Nothing is ever fair! Why does doing the right thing make me feel even worse, than if I'd done the wrong thing and carried on kissing her? Maybe I'm annoyed because I'm forced to wait until she sees me and I dread her reaction more than anything. The minutes are ticking away yet it feels like a painful eternity and every moment that passes just makes me feel more and more unnerved. It's the not knowing that's driving me crazy I want her to see me even if its just to tell me to leave at least it would give me an answer.
She will probably ask me to leave she wouldn't let me stay here and I doubt very much that she'd still have that feelings of love for me once it sinks in, what I did. No one ever forgives anyone for acts like mine, screw what my counterpart said in my vision, she's far to kind and forgiving and for her it was her Xena who did what I've done. This is why I doubt the Xena I know will do the same, she's forgiving and kind but lets face facts she's not going to forgive this monsters are never forgiven their cursed all the more. Maybe I was foolish to even pray I don't know what difference it's going to make, I doubt that anyone could love a murder regardless of what people say. Oh why can't she just walk in to my room and gets this over with I feel like I'm loosing it here! I want an answer even if it's not the one I want to hear! Even If I now disgust her and she hates me once more it's an answer and I can deal with it!
"Gabrielle?"
Gabrielle turned sharply catching sight of Thaleia who was standing opposite her the concern in her eyes she eyed her sword which was holding at the hilt as she sat in her chair. She breathed in sadly unable to keep the sadness from her voice as she spoke. "Its okay I don't want my breakfast, you can go." Thaleia moved forward putting her hand on her friends shoulder. "What Happened, have you and the Empress have an argument?" Gabrielle shook her head. "No we didn't." She lowered her gaze to the floor. "You were right the Empress is in love with me…she told me so this morning she even kissed me." Thaleia blinked in surprise she didn't think as she grabbed hold of the chair opposite sitting in front of her best friend. "That's good though Gabrielle It means you can be together." Gabrielle shook her head feeling her stomach twist in to a painful knot. "I told her about my sins."
Thaleia leaned forward taking hold of her arm. "She'll forgive you Gabrielle." Gabrielle breathed in deeply trying to control her anger it wasn't Thaleia's fault that she didn't understand, she'd never told her the whole truth. Yet she knew that she had to or she would never forgive herself for keeping it back from this woman who had stood by her from the beginning. "There's a reason I have never told anyone about the things I've done Thaleia it's because they would disgust and anger people and they will see me for what I really am, which is a monster." She felt her teeth grind together as she spoke. "And I am a monster I can admit that even to myself after all there is no greater sin than killing innocent men and women." Thaleia kept hold of her arm unsure as to where this was going. "Who did you kill Gabrielle?"
Gabrielle took hold of her hand easing it away from her arm before putting her hand back on her sword hilt. "Have you ever heard of the androphonomania massacre?" Thaleia breathed in deeply. "Yes it was the terrible werewolf slaughter which happened some years ago." She took in a painful breath feeling a sinking feeling deep within in her stomach as she looked at her best friend. "What are you saying Gabrielle?" Gabrielle laughed but it was a sad laugh even to her own ears. "I led it." She looked up seeing the shock as it spread across her friends face as her brown eyes darted as the truth sunk in. She lowered her gaze to the floor. "Its okay you can leave the room now, I don't expect you to stay in here any longer and I wouldn't expect you to remain my friend after hearing this. I just wanted to tell you truth before the Empress passes judgement on me." Thaleia felt her body tense as her brain suddenly clicked back in to gear as she spoke. "What did the Imperial Council do to force you in to doing that?"
Gabrielle stood up slowly watching as she did the same she spoke unable to stop her temper which was now boiling up in the pit of her stomach as her grip on her sword hilt tightened. "What does that even matter?!" Thaleia folded her arms ignoring her friends rage. "It matters a lot Gabrielle! I've heard your story, the whole palace has now! The Imperial Council has always controlled you in some manner and I think your blaming yourself for their actions!" Gabrielle eased up her hand. "Don't you get it, I killed people, innocent people just like you! Whether the Imperial Council forced me or tricked me it changes nothing, they all died by my hand!" Thaleia shook head she wasn't scared of Gabrielle's rage she'd known her long enough to know it was her fear which was causing this reaction. "You don't go around killing children I've seen you with children. I heard what happened most of those children were torn to ribbons but that isn't you Gabrielle. I don't see you doing something like that you love children you have no stomach for it."
Gabrielle looked up sharply. "How do you know that, you're no warrior how can you claim to know anything about what happens on the battle field?" Thaleia grabbed her sleeve unable to keep the anger out of her voice. "I may not be a warrior I my just be a maid but I do know you Gabrielle your all about honour and respect to you it matters more than anything I don't see you killing children. Also even if you did kill all those innocent people I'm sure the Imperial Council forced you to do it in some way ether by lying to you or threatening you. They've already tried to kill you twice its clear that they have no sense of honour and they'll do anything to break your spirit. On top of this I doubt for five seconds that you'd have the stomach to give the order to kill people unless you were forced or manipulated by your ex Adrienne. She clearly has no compassion for humanity. Phrixus told us all about what she said to you and how she treated you, she treated you like you were beneath her and you're a king!"
Gabrielle put a hand through her hair in frustration. "What does it matter if Adrienne forced me or the Imperial Council manipulated me it doesn't change the fact that I killed innocent men and woman and took part in one of the worst massacres in Greece's history, which is up there with the ten worst massacres my predecessor did back when he was king!" Thaleia eased up her hand. "You know what I think, I think you like punishing your self, you want to be blamed and cursed for the things you do, because you think only then that everything will be all right with the world. It's not right though Gabrielle you deserve to be happy and you deserve to be loved and you need to stop running away from the Empress she's the one person who wants to have a life with you!" Gabrielle felt her hand form a fist. "Who are you to talk? You've been running away from Demetrius, you love him but you won't tell him how you feel!"
Thaleia took in a deep painfully breath clearly Gabrielle had seen her love for him but had not said anything until now. "No I don't tell him how I feel he's head of the royal guard and I'm a personal maid I'm beneath him!" Gabrielle sneered slightly. "Oh please Xena is the Empress of all Greece and I'm just a Greek royal I have no more power than the other Greek royals yet I'm the one she loves, so your rank issue means nothing. Your not saying anything because you're afraid that his answer will be no. So you have no right to accuse me of I'm running away from the Empress when you're running away yourself!" Thaleia felt her body tense. "Fine so I love him, I admit it and I'm terrified that he'll say no but unlike you I'm not going out of my way to destroy my image, you didn't have to tell the Empress about what you did at all." Gabrielle eyed her sword which was still holding at the hilt. "Yes I did! You said I should tell people about my sins, well I've told her and now I've told you."
Thaleia eyed her for a long moment. "No I meant tell her the full truth not that you killed hundreds of innocent people, the truth that you were forced in to that position by the Imperial Council and Adrienne who was manipulating you. Not the half truth which makes look like a murder who kills little children." Gabrielle put her sword on the table. "You have to accept facts I might not be here by tonight and you may be moved to a new position, regardless of my telling the Empress that, she will probably ask me to leave her palace." Thaleia breathed in, in frustration as she stepped closer to her friend. "You'll still be here Gabrielle and you're an idiot for not seeing that, the Empress loves you she won't force you to leave you matter so much to her. The problem is that you don't love yourself at all, that's why you curse yourself and you act dense in the face of unconditional love! Have you become so blind and stupid to the fact that you could live a happy life with the Empress?"
Gabrielle raised her hand unable to stop the burning rage as it filling her senses. "Get out!" Thaleia stopped still catching sight of the ice cold look Gabrielle was giving her. It was identical to the look she'd given in her werewolf form when they'd first talked. "You're throwing me out? I'm not your servant you don't order me around, I'm your friend!" Gabrielle felt her teeth grind together as she spoke. "This is my room and you are my servant and I'm giving you what could be your last order because until the Empress makes up her mind this is still my room and you're not welcome here right now, so get out!" Thaleia gave her a cold look as she walked towards the double doors pushed them open before turning to Gabrielle speaking in a cold tone. "As you wish…your highness." She walked through the doors slamming them both behind her trying to ignore the pain as it went through her chest as she walked down the long corridor trying to control her painful emotions which threatened to over spill out along with her tears.
End of part 75
By Silvermoonlight
I know this seems like utter madness, but please go with me on this for anyone who has read my other fan fictions you'll know there's always method in my madness.