Author's Notes: A word of warning that tissues/handkerchiefs may be required for this chapter. Angst and character death ahead...
Sincere thanks as always to Prothrombintime for graciously providing feedback and advice on this chapter. And thank you also to blackcat1000 who generously took the time to re-read the story and highlight my typos and grammatical errors. I've updated all the affected chapters, so for anyone reading for the first time or re-reading previous chapters, hopefully they're now error free.
Chapter Fifty-Six
October 5th, 2008 (continued)
Jack stared dumbstruck at Tosh for a long moment, his mind refusing to process what he'd just heard.
"Gone?" he finally managed to ask, frowning in confusion. "What do you mean? Where is he?" A terrible, unimaginable thought suddenly filled his mind. "He's okay, isn't he? He's not..." He trailed off, unable to articulate the unthinkable.
Tosh's eyes widened and she shook her head emphatically. "No, Ianto's okay, well, at least he was the last time I saw him. Physically, he was okay." She sighed heavily. "Where were you, Jack?" she asked, her tone uncharacteristically accusatory. "You've been gone for over six months. We didn't know anything, except that you'd run off with the Doctor. We started to think we'd never see you again."
"It's a long story," Jack replied evasively, unable to hide the impatience from his voice.
It would take too long to explain everything that had happened during his time away, even if he had wanted to, which he absolutely did not. He wasn't going to attempt to defend his actions, and no one needed to know what he'd seen and endured. It was better if they didn't. Except for Ianto. He'd tell Ianto whatever he wanted to know, no matter how difficult and painful it was to put into words.
The TARDIS had been heavily damaged by the Master, and combined with the fragile state of the time-line after history had been reset, it hadn't been easy for them to get back to present-day Earth after they'd left the Valiant. They'd spent several weeks inside the Time Vortex, giving both the ship and its passengers time to recover from their ordeals. Even then, it had taken a great deal of coaxing on the Doctor's part to get the sentient ship to return them to even within the same year as when they'd left. Impatient and anxious, and desperate to get back to Ianto, Jack had wanted to use his Vortex Manipulator to return home. However, the Doctor had forbade him, even going so far as to disable the device's teleportation and time travel functions again. Jack hadn't been happy about that, and he's been more than a little hurt by the Doctor's apparent lack of trust in him, but the Time Lord had been adamant.
"I came back as soon as I could," he added with conviction, holding Toshiko's searching gaze. "All that matters if I'm back... I'm back where I belong." He looked at her beseechingly. "Please, Tosh. I need to know where Ianto is. I need to see him. I need to make things right."
Tosh stared up at him, looking conflicted as she appeared to be weighing up her options. Jack knew her hesitation was due to her sense of loyalty to Ianto. He couldn't blame her for that, not when she and Ianto were close friends, almost like brother and sister. From her point of view, Jack had run off on a whim, abandoning the entire team and forsaking the man he'd claimed to love.
Finally, she seemed to reach a decision and gestured towards the Hub's well-worn sofa. "You'd better sit down, Jack."
Jack was tempted to argue, but something about Toshiko's unusually measured, dispassionate tone stopped him. Struggling to keep his escalating distress reigned in, he nodded uneasily.
He tugged off his greatcoat and tossed it over the back of a nearby chair, then sat down. He'd found the replacement coat in one of the TARDIS's wardrobes, and while it wasn't quite in the same style as he usually wore, it was similar enough that it had helped him to feel more like his old self again. He glanced towards his office and noted that his original greatcoat was hanging there on the coat rack; it was the coat he'd been wearing when he'd died alongside John Ellis in Ianto's car. Thankfully, he'd been wearing one of the spare coats Ianto had procured for him when he'd chased after the TARDIS. That particular coat had been ruined beyond all recognition after his first couple of deaths at the Master's hands.
Tosh slowly sat down beside him, clenching her hands tightly in her lap. "Gwen and Owen are investigating some alien tech we've been trying to trace. We just got a lead that it's turned up in Swansea. They probably won't be back for a couple of hours."
Jack nodded distractedly. "They're both all right?"
"They're fine," Tosh replied. "The Rift has been going through one of its more active periods lately and the three of us are exhausted, but all things considered, we're doing okay."
She paused and pushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear, her gaze lowering to her hands. "Jack, Ianto left three weeks ago. He announced that he'd decided to leave Torchwood and the next day, he was gone. He said he was also leaving Cardiff." She looked up into his eyes. "I don't know where he is. He could have gone anywhere. I'm sorry, Jack. I really am."
Jack pressed his eyes closed, the full weight of Tosh's revelation gripping coldly around his heart. Six months was a long time to wait, and the timing of his unplanned departure had certainly been far from ideal, but he hadn't truly considered the possibility that Ianto wouldn't wait for him. It had been too unthinkable, even though Ianto had no way of knowing if he'd ever return. From Ianto's point of view, Jack had abandoned him. It was the one thing Jack had promised the younger man he'd never do, and whether intentional or not, the end result was the same, and no less devastating.
"That's the problem, isn't it? I can never be enough for you. I give you everything, Jack. You have all of me. But it will never be enough."
The Welshman's emotional outburst just before Jack had left echoed heavily from the depths of his mind, every nuance of the barely restrained hurt and anger in those words recalled with painful clarity. Ianto had been wrong, but in all fairness Jack couldn't blame him for feeling that way. He'd given the younger man reason enough to have doubts, and no matter how much it hurt, he couldn't blame Ianto for deciding it was time to cut his losses and move on. It seemed the cruel hand of fate, combined with an overindulgent dose of self-absorption and carelessness on Jack's part, had cost him the most precious thing he'd ever had.
Overcome with guilt and regret, it took several moments before he realised Tosh had begun to speak again. Reluctantly, he opened his eyes, not wanting to see the condemnation in his colleague's tired, sad features.
"He was heartbroken when you left," Tosh continued softly. "He tried to hide it, but I could see how much he was hurting. We all could. He took charge though, and he kept everything running as smoothly as ever. You would have been proud of him."
"I've always been proud of him," Jack murmured wistfully. "He never once let me down." He only wished he could say the same about himself.
"He told me you'd had a fight just before you left," Tosh added, speaking more tentatively. "For the first few months, he was adamant you'd come back, that you wouldn't abandon us. But I'm not sure if he believed that himself. As time went on, I think he began to give up hope. He became so quiet and withdrawn, and he never smiled anymore. He spent a lot of time with Myfanwy. Well, more than usual. I'd often find him tucked away in a corner of the Hub, quietly talking to her. I think she helped him to feel close to you."
Jack nodded mutely. He remembered all the times he'd done the same when Ianto had been in cryo-freeze. As strange as it had seemed, spending time with their pterodactyl had been a source of comfort, a way of feeling connected to the other man. It was finding Myfanwy that had brought them together, and she'd always held a special place in their hearts. His throat constricted as he imagined how lonely and betrayed Ianto must have felt. He knew all too well how devastating it was to be left behind. He knew exactly how those feelings of worthlessness stayed with a person and tainted their soul.
Tosh took a deep breath, clearly trying to steady herself. "Shortly after you left, we noticed that Myfanwy was less active than she used to be. Ianto was really worried about her. He convinced Owen to run some tests, but he couldn't find anything conclusive, and he's not exactly an expert on pterosaur physiology. In the end, he put it down to her body slowing down as she got older. He suspected that prolonged exposure to the twenty-first century had taken a toll as well."
She paused and wiped at a tear as it trailed down her cheek. Reaching for Jack's hand, she wrapped it in both of her own, causing Jack to look at her with alarm. "Jack, Myfanwy died a month ago. Owen and I came in one morning and we found Ianto in her nest, clinging to her and crying his heart out." Tosh blinked as another tear escaped from the corner of her eye. "She died in his arms."
All Jack could do was stare at Tosh in horror, his mind reeling. "Oh, Gods, no," he muttered, in barely a whisper.
"The following night, I found Ianto in your office," Tosh continued, blinking again as tears filled her eyes. "He was sitting on the floor behind your desk. He had his face buried in your coat, crying quietly to himself. It broke my heart. I knew then that he couldn't go on like that, being here day after day where everything reminded him of what he'd lost."
She squeezed his hand before slowly releasing it, then wiped at her eyes again. "Two days later we were dealing with a pair of Weevils in Bute park. One of them went for Ianto. He seemed like he was in a daze, and he barely tried to fight it off. I think a part of him didn't want to. If Owen hadn't got there in time..." She trailed off, shuddering visibly. "When Ianto told us he was leaving a few days after that, it didn't really surprise me. Gwen was angry with him, she told him that he couldn't abandon us. Owen tried to shrug it off, but he's really upset that Ianto's gone. Ianto was like a younger brother to him, and Owen's always been so protective of him. Deep down though, I think he understands why Ianto had to leave. As for me... well, I didn't try to stop him. I couldn't. Not when I could see how much pain he was in. And not when we didn't think you were going to come back."
Jack wiped roughly at his eyes, guilt and grief threatening to overwhelm him. "He needed me and I wasn't here," he whispered, his voice catching.
"Yes," Tosh agreed, but not unkindly. "We tried to do what we could, but he'd become so withdrawn, he wouldn't let us help."
"I have to find him, Tosh," Jack said resolutely, swallowing hard against the lump in his throat and attempting to contain his spiralling despair. He'd failed Ianto, but he could at least try to make up for his mistakes. They'd been through too much together to give up now.
He began to stand up, ignoring the shakiness of his legs. "I have to fix this. I need to make things right. Tosh, I'm going to need your help."
Tosh placed a hand on his arm to halt his movement. "Jack, wait. There's something else."
Jack froze, not sure if he could handle anything else. "What is it?" he asked anxiously, easing back down onto the edge of the sofa and turning to face her again.
"It was two days after Ianto left." Tosh took a long, tremulous breath. "Owen discovered that some retcon was missing. Not the usual short-term doses we normally use, but the long-term formula. There were enough tablets missing to erase five years worth of memories. Ianto must have taken them, there's no other explanation. I checked through the CCTV footage for the few days just before Ianto told us he was leaving. There were a large number of gaps. He must have erased it to cover his tracks."
A cold, desolate numbness settled over Jack as he felt all the hopes he'd had for building a new life with Ianto slip from his reach. "So, that's it, then," he murmured, staring down at his tightly clenched hands, the words sounding detached and dispassionate to his ears. "I've lost him."
He realised what a fool he'd been to jeopardise what they'd had in a moment of reckless impulsiveness. He may have regained the gift of mortality, but in doing so he'd paid the ultimate price. He'd lost Ianto just as he was finally in a position to try to give the younger man the life he deserved. He might have even appreciated the sense of tragic irony if he wasn't so completely devastated.
"We'll find him, Jack." Tosh suddenly looked fiercely determined. "I promised him that we wouldn't try to contact him, but now you're back, everything's different. Whatever it takes, we'll find him. Maybe he decided not to take the retcon. Even if he did, we can help him to get his memories back..."
Jack shook his head emphatically. As much as he wanted to get Ianto back, he couldn't be that selfish. There was a time when he might have done whatever was necessary to get what he wanted, but he liked to think he'd become a better person over the course of his unnaturally long life. Ianto was brilliant, young, handsome and resilient. Now that Ianto was free of Torchwood, he could start over and build whatever new life for himself that he wanted, unshackled by the encumbrances of the past.
"No. Ianto's made his choice," he said firmly, somehow managing to imbue the words with more conviction than he felt. "We need to respect that. I want you to honour your promise to him."
He slumped against the back of the sofa and stared out across the Hub. He now understood why it felt so inhospitable and lifeless. He couldn't comprehend that everything he'd endured had all been for nothing. Once again, he was lost and alone.
"But, Jack..." Tosh began to argue. "He loves you. If he knew you were back... if he still remembers..."
As Tosh trailed off uncertainly, Jack suspected they were both thinking the same thing. Once Ianto had decided on a course of action, his stubborn determination would ensure he'd see it through to the end. "He's got a chance for a normal life now," he said, the words coming out in little more than a choked whisper. "It's what I always wanted for him. I won't try to take that away." He let out a mirthless, wry laugh. "Looks like I got my wish, huh?"
He glanced back at Tosh, and she looked like she was about to argue further. But then her determined expression faded to one of resignation, and she simply nodded. "What will you do now?" she asked hesitantly, after neither of them had spoken for a minute or so. "Will you stay?"
Jack shrugged. "Maybe Ianto had the right idea. Forget the past... start a new life..." He waved his hand vaguely in front of him. "Leave all this behind." He sighed wearily, feeling broken, defeated, and utterly bereft. "I've worked for Torchwood for over a century. I think... I think I'm done."
He decided not to tell Tosh about his newly mortal status. It didn't seem important, not when every hope he'd had for a future with Ianto was lying in ruins. "Will the three of you be okay?" he asked instead.
To Toshiko's credit, she didn't try to dissuade him. "Ianto left us a list of potential candidates from UNIT. We've got two of them arriving next week for a trial period. Gwen interviewed them."
Jack nodded. Not that long ago, he would have balked at the mere suggestion of bringing UNIT personnel into Torchwood Three, but too much had changed and he couldn't expect the remaining three members of his team to manage on their own. They needed to hold onto some semblance of a life outside of Torchwood, and to do that, they'd need help.
"With the three of you in charge, this place is in good hands." He reached for Tosh's hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, then he stood up and slowly pulled on his coat. "I need you to do me a favour. Don't tell the others I'm back. I need some time before I decide what I'm going to do. I'll be in touch in a few days."
Rising to her feet, Tosh nodded in reply. "All right. But let me know if I can do anything."
She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Jack, hugging him tightly. "I'm so sorry, Jack. I wish things had turned out differently."
"Me too," Jack murmured, holding onto her for just a moment. He pulled back and kissed her softly on the forehead. Wiping a stray tear from her cheek, he smiled down at her sadly. "Me too," he repeated.
Then he turned away and left the Hub behind.