A STORY LOST TO THE TIDES OF TIME

I shouldn't be drinking but this has not turned out to be the day I wanted it to be and I feel utterly depressed. It's been an hours since I threw Gabrielle out of my room and I can still see the shattered pottery from where she threw the vase at me in a fit of anger. Frankly I don't care about the vase it wasn't expensive and it had no meaning other than being decorative. Its just I've never had any one throw anything about me before unless it was a spear or an arrow on the battle field, I have no idea how to deal with having pottery thrown at me. I should not have a called her a stupid over grown dog and an animal, I didn't help the situation and I regret saying those words. Her room has been so quite I've heard nothing from it but a part of me wants it to remain that way because hearing her cry would only make this situation worse. I have no idea what to her right now and if I walked back in to that room I know I would just mess things up even more because drunk. I just want to ignore the scrolls on my desk and not think about the androphonomania massacre as the whole situation is now a complete and utter mess.

So much for telling Gabrielle I love her, now she just thinks this was all about a sexual conquest which it wasn't. Makes me realize that I just don't know how to deal with someone like Gabrielle, truth is I've never met anyone like her, her mind tends to drifts to darker places due to how she's been treated through out her life, she doubts more than she loves, hates more than lives. It's not so surprising if I had, had Adrienne for a lover after my husband died I'd probably be just as messed up in the head and second guessing everything and everyone even those who love me openly. I would never throw her out of the palace not even after hearing about the role she played in the androphonomania massacre I love her despite everything, even though the thought of her killing innocent children makes me wants to throw up, so I guess I love a monster as I she put it and I can't help it. Makes me wonder if she told me all off this not just because of her guilt but because she was trying to push me away, maybe she thought that this would end what ever love I had for her.

Yet here I sit drinking from my pottery jug not feeling the same about her despite it all, the gods are amusing in their curses. Maybe I feel this way because I didn't always like some of choices my husband made, some of them were very unkind to the citizens of Rome but back then I was in love with him so I didn't see the beginnings of a tyrant. I didn't go against him, I brought in to his lies, later we drew up the agreement that Greece was mine to rule as I pleased and Rome was his. Maybe in that way throwing him of the balcony was for the good of the people by that point the power was consuming him and I realized the night that he tried to have me killed that he had gone past the point of no return. Gabrielle is not like him she's not a tyrant the androphonomania massacre is her terrible sin which she hates herself for, I could see it in her eyes. As she said she has nightmares and now all those nightmares make sense. It makes me think back to when I used to lay in my husband's bed watching him sleep with out any trouble, it always really bothered me because deep down I thought he shouldn't be sleeping that way after the cruel things he did.

I wish I'd stopped him doing those terrible acts I wish I'd given freedom to all the slaves of Rome just like I did Greece. I was only ever able to give equal rights to both genders and I kept Rome peaceful I did I lot to ensure peace based on the same rules I use in Greece. I know that my others laws were stripped away by the Tiberius after I fled but he was never able to override the equal rights for both genders law it had become far to popular and to change it would have crippled him as Emperor, so he had to go with it. One day if I ever get the chance I will end slavery in Rome for good and I will end the Gladiatorial arena Dog Fights because I now know that I was sold a lie. A lie which I should never have listened to, I was so naïve back then. I wanted to see the good in my husband I wanted to believe he could change, I hated him so much for his betrayal yet I never let that hated consume me completely. I just moved on holding in the pain it was easier to be numb and put the focus back on ruling Greece and its people. Looking back it was the right thing to do because I didn't take out my anger on my people in any way. I just sat in room feeling depressed trying to work through my pain but in my room I found a new friend called drink which helped to numb the pain for a while.

I still use drink to numb my emotions and now I'm drinking because I have no idea how to deal with the love of my life, gods it's such a joke. Though I don't state it openly I only worship two of the Greek gods and that's Ares and Aphrodite, I know it's strange to worship love and war but that's what's my life has been about I am a warrior who brought unity to Greece and not all of it through the sword. Though wars did break out and I tried to stop them through diplomacy before getting involved but only as a last resort my mission was always to liberate people from the tyrant warlords and dictator kings and queens. I thought Greece wasn't free or kind I felt it could be so much more and I guess that's why I worship love just as much as war because love is about making others happy and freeing them from pain. Right now though I wish that they'd both reveal this twisted joke to me, because I fail to understand their humour.

Xena took a long drink from her goblet ignoring the fuzzy feeling in her head she knew if she carried on she would soon be very drunk but she saw no reason to stop. She wouldn't confront Gabrielle when she was drunk since on both occasions she'd made an ass of herself in front of her, the first by being both vindictive as well as cruel and second by chatting her up and making sexual comments. She turned sharply as a knock sounded on her outer door, she breathed in deeply as it occurred to her that since Gabrielle had been unwell no one had knocked had her study door anymore they all preferred now to use her bedrooms double doors. She looked up as knocking came again only harder. "Come in!" She watched as the door opened and Chara walked in with a leather scroll holder in her hand she closed the doors behind her the uncertainty in her eyes. Xena swallowed the last of her wine eyeing her. "What is it?"

Chara eyed the Empress who had clearly been drinking she had already put two and two together after the Empress had left the study but it had been confirmed by palace rumour that Gabrielle in a fit of temper had thrown Thaleia out of her room this morning. She wasn't stupid, it had all fitted in to place leading her to one simple conclusion Gabrielle had been involved in the androphonomania massacre. She met the Empress's cold gaze. "Would I be right to assume that Gabrielle took part in the androphonomania massacre Empress?" Xena leaned back in her chair feeling the shock sink in. "How do you know about this!?" Chara breathed in deeply steadying herself. "I'm a scribe you gave me the job here because I can remember just about everything I document and read and I can put two and two together very quickly." Xena narrowed her gaze. "Who else knows about this?"

Chara looked up slightly. "No one other than Thaleia but as I heard it, her and Gabrielle had an argument this morning in which Gabrielle threw her out of her room. This isn't like Gabrielle as she sees Thaleia as her sister so I can only assume that it was because of anger and guilt that she would react that way. Gabrielle isn't good with ether emotion when she's not thinking straight she can explode in a heartbeat." Xena eyed the shattered vase. "That is true and I'm in love with her regardless of it." She downed another goblet of her wine before putting the goblet down hard on the table. "But you know that already don't you along with the rest of the palace." Chara took a step forward trying to stay calm the Empress being drunk unnerved her as she had no idea which way her mood would swing. "Yes Empress I do, I'm here because I remember reading about the werewolf with crooked velvet horns." Xena refilled her goblet again. "Oh yes, it is such wonderful reading isn't it?" Chara moved closer easing up leather scroll holder. "The problem is you haven't read all of it Empress."

Xena eyed the leather scroll holder taking it from her hand. "Why didn't you give me this with the rest?" Chara tensed lowering her gaze. "I didn't realize it was missing until I pulled out all the scroll holders and realized that one wasn't there. Of course I found it again in someone's room hidden under the bed, clearly Kalika wanted to do one last act of spite against you both before you locked her up. I'm sure she knew this might happen and she wanted to rub salt in to both your wounds and force a wedge between you both by any means necessary should Adrienne fail in her mission. Her taking these scrolls changes the whole perspective of the androphonomania massacre it makes Gabrielle look like a monster, who kills helpless little children." She eyed the scroll holder watching as the Empress opened it pulling scrolls out of it putting them on the table with the others. "Let's just say there is another side to this story a side no one believed at the time or could make even less sense off. Even I thought these children here were making up stories to make sense of the horror they'd suffered and that they wanted to fixate on a savour coming to their rescue." Xena looked up sharply. "Children?"

Chara nodded seeing that she now had the Empress's full attention. "Not every child died during the androphonomania massacre in every village minus one, a few of the children were found alive by your hoplite army. They weren't in plain sight they'd been put in wardrobes, clothing chests even in some case the floor boards had been torn up and the children had been put under them. It was very clear that someone was trying to save these children by any means necessary and save them they did because of this person these children are still alive today. It baffled everyone at the time though as they couldn't understand why you'd kill a whole village but then save some of the children no one. At the time we couldn't comprehend the notion of a self aware werewolf so instead it was thought to be an unsung hero. Even the children who lived were told that it was a Minotaur who saved them and that the being they said saved them couldn't be so." Xena blinked in shock. "Who saved them?" Chara put her hands behind her back. "Please read these scrolls Empress it will all become very clear. Xena grabbed the scrolls easing them up as she started to read them one after the other.

"My name is Ladon and I survived the androphonomania massacre but I survived it because a werewolf with crooked horns broke the floorboards of my house and put me under them and then put them back in place then put a dead body on top of the floor boards so I was out of sight. No one believes me not even the hoplites, they say I'm in shock and that it was a Minotaur who saved me but I know what I saw and it wasn't a Minotaur."

"My mummy and daddy are dead but this wolf saved me it was big and it had funny horns and it spoke, I think it was a girl. It grabbed me and I was so scared but it hugged me and spoke to me, it was so nice and I felt very calm. Then it put me in the wooden chest in my parent's bedroom and told me that very thing was gonna be okay. It used its claws to make lots of holes in the box so I could breathe then it told me to stay quite until everything was calm and no one was around and then to come out and I did. My name is Octavia, I'm eleven years old, and this is what happened to me."

"These are the words of Klaasr I'm sixteen, I know I'm writing this years on from the events of the androphonomania massacre but at the time I was a young boy I'm a older now and I want to make sense of it all. So I'm writing this in my room in Athens Academy of bards where I'm studying. I will post it to Corinth I hope the scribe in the palace reads it and at least sees some worth in my words. I watched a werewolf tear my mother apart in my village, I was terrified I hid under the table in fear watching as it came for me, I thought I was going to die I was convinced at that moment in time my life was over. Then something happened that changed everything this crooked horned werewolf with bright coloured fur knocked the other one out of the way roaring at it. It then spoke in this strange language which I didn't understand it wasn't like any language I had heard before. The first werewolf looked annoyed but left the room then this horned werewolf grabbed me and I thought it was going to kill me until it spoke to me in a soothing female voice using her bloody clawed hand to stroke my face its huge claws never touched me and I could understand what she was she saying.

She then picked me up putting me in the wardrobe telling me to be quite and not to make a sound until it was all quite outside and I did as I was told, she was my friend she was trying to save me. I watched through the crack in the wardrobe as she went out then came back in with a torn bloody limb throwing it to the ground and put fresh blood everywhere she then left closing the door behind her. I stayed quite for hours until the hoplites came and I was saved along with three other children in my village who were all still alive. They all told me a strange werewolf saved them one with horns. No one believed us they said it was a Minotaur and I believed them for many years until I started to study in the academy here I was introduced to a young Minotaur who I'm now studying with. I know that wasn't a Minotaur it looked nothing like one it was a werewolf with crooked horns."

Xena felt the shock hit home as she looked up meeting Chara's gaze. "Their talking about Gabrielle." Chara nodded. "Yes they are it's a strange paradox that she's the werewolf who was killing families yet saving children. For the Imperial Council this was clearly not about turning people, it was about killing everyone in those villages. Yet even in the thick off it she was still defying them, using her commands to over rule her people so these children could be saved. I'm sure if she'd have been caught doing this she would have been public humiliated and branded as a weak king by them yet she still risked it anyway." Xena put her hands on her face. "Oh gods…" Chara moved a step closer. "Are you all right Empress?" Xena looked up feeling her eyes dart. "No I'm not feeling all right, I had an argument with her I called her an animal and I didn't believe her when she said she didn't kill the children." Chara put her hands together seeing the pain the Empress's eyes. "You made a mistake you didn't have all the information Empress."

Xena breathed in sharply. "No I judged her just like I did when I found out that she was a werewolf, I didn't believe her when she was telling the truth and when it really mattered and when she really needed me to listen." She put a hand through her hair in frustration. "I screwed this up badly Chara." Chara shook her head. "We all make mistakes Empress and we forgive the ones we care about." Xena looked up putting her hands together even though Chara wasn't talking openly about her lover the message was very clear regardless. She eyed the scrolls as she felt a sense of purpose take over, she wanted to hear the story in these scrolls from someone who had been there. "Are any of these children living in Corinth?" Chara eyed the scrolls not quite sure where the Empress was going with this. "Only one and that's Ladon, he's currently training to be a hoplite and very soon he'll be ready to join the main army." Xena eased up the scroll as she stood up from her table no longer caring for her wine as she put the jug to one side and downed the goblet, for the first time in a long time feeling no urge to refill it again as she put the empty goblet down. "I want a meeting with him, today."

Chara blinked in surprise. "Today?" Xena eyed the scroll. "Yes today I want him in my throne room with in the next few hours." Chara eyed the taller woman seeing the seriousness in her eyes, clearly she wanted this. "I'll see that it's done, though may I ask why do you want to meet him?" Xena eased up the scroll. "These are truthful words from a boy, but I want to see and speak to the man and hear this story from a survivor I want to see things from his perspective, I'll be waiting for him in the throne room." Chara nodded as she walked towards the door. "I'll have him brought to you as fast as I can Empress, I'll get Demetrius on it right away." Xena raised her hand. "I assume that no one else is aware of what you know right now about the Androphonomania massacre?" Chara turned as she opened the doubles doors. "No Empress only myself and Thaleia and she won't tell anyone." Xena nodded. "I'd like to keep it that way before I tell the palace staff and when I do I intend to spin this in Gabrielle's favour and put everything on the Imperial Councils shoulders." Chara nodded in understanding as she looked up. "That would be a wise choice Empress, though I feel it's already on the Imperial Councils shoulders." She turned closing the door behind her, not thinking as she broke in to a run she had to get this man to palace as quickly as possible.

8

So I'm unworthy of my sword, maybe she's right maybe I am but her saying it hurts more than anything, I feel like the world has crashed around me and everything I thought about myself was wrong. I thought I was noble but I guess no act of nobility will ever wash away the blood of the androphonomania massacre but maybe that's no surprise no normal person would forgive me for that. Not even one whose in love with me, I feel terrible for accusing her of using me as a sexual conquest, I deeply regret saying that because deep down I know that she clearly loved me. Not that she loves me anymore and I wouldn't blame her ether for not doing so. She's right I am just a stupid over grown dog whose breaks things, I ruin all my friendships and my relationships always end in tragedy. When I loose my temper it becomes about breaking things because I can't control my emotions they rule me and not in a very positive way and I just end up hurting people even those I love. I wish I could stop crying but I can't, everything just hurts too much and I have no idea where to start to fix this.

I don't now how to say I didn't kill those children, I don't kill children I tried to save some of those children not that it matters now she doesn't believe me anyway. I never knew if any of them survived they probably didn't knowing the way my life tends to work out. Ether way I'm sitting here with no idea what to do, it's something I've only ever experienced at one other time in my life. That was when the Amazons threw me out in to the wild as a child and I had no idea how to even survive or what to do I was in complete limbo. I sit here now feeling just the same way I don't know whether to come or go all I can feel is my pains and tears. I keep looking at the half filled bag of opium next to me and it's taking every inch of resistance in my soul to stop myself from putting it in my pipe and smoking it. I hate this it used to be so easy for me to smoke opium I used to drown in it with such ease. Yet now I don't want it to rule my life and I've been trying so hard to stop smoking it, just because I want to remain clear and focused and not numb.

Right now I'm smoking coltsfoot and it's doing nothing to dull my pain which is like a crushing agony which is so hard to deal with. I want to break things so badly just to still the rage with in my heart but I know it won't help and I'd only breaking all the things I love, I've already broken one of the things which Xena loves. I've fed Icos and put out enough food for him to last a week, I now have a feeling which is pulling me so strongly it's become overwhelming it's the only clear feeling I have and its that I should leave the palace but not because I want to run away. I have no where else to go and I'm no fool this is my home it's the only real home I have ever had. Even if people in that home are not proud of me I would never leave it for good it would mean my death if I ever returned to the Grand City. The truth is I just need to get out and be away from everything and everyone so I can be alone. I need to go somewhere were I can think straight once more because I can't do it here the memories of everything that's been said today they are still to fresh in my mind.

Gabrielle eased herself up on to her feet breathing out the smoke from her pipe as she moved to her desk grabbing hold of a medium sized dark brown leather back pack which had a thick black wolf skin cover. She had asked for just in case she needed it, yet she hadn't needed to use it until now she didn't think as she opened her chest putting some coin in to her pocket while putting the rest in her bag. She walking in to her workshop grabbing the new wooden bird she had made which had opening wings, she had finished it two days ago but wasn't complete as it had not been painted. It was a gift for Xena but now she didn't want her to see it and she'd rather wait until another time to give it to her even if she refused it. She put it away carefully then moved back in to her bedroom putting two days worth of clothes and some food in to her pack. She grabbed both of pipes and the silver sovereign putting them in to her shirt pocket.

She painfully wiped away her tears she knew she needed more but she couldn't be bothered to pack it. She had coin and she could buy things, even if her coin was old. She turned hearing Xena's door open on the other side once again followed by footsteps up the hall moving away from her. She grabbed her dark brown leather coat putting it on to keep the cold out then slung the pack over one shoulder. It would be dusk soon and she wanted to leave before darkness fell. She opened her double doors stepping out she watching as Xena turned the corridor up a head vanishing from sight. She closed her doors very carefully so they didn't make any sound while looking in the opposite direction. She knew where to go she knew the corridors from memory. There were more than five ways to get off the highest floor, she took in a deep breath steadying her self as she began to walk in the opposite direction breathing out the smoke in her mouth as she focused on working her way to the front gates, which she knew the guards would open for her with out question.

End of part 77

Silvermoonlight

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