!SORRY!FOR N O UPDATE!
Rated Butt for extreme gayness
When you awake the the next morning (it's still pretty early because you kind of couldn't sleep that well), the spot next to you is empty. You were sort of expecting an intimate greeting filled with hugs and kisses and soothing words, but instead you hear some bustle in the kitchen. Bro is doing things that don't involve you. Okay.
You get up to brush and shower and throw on a pair of jeans, since you had fallen asleep in your clothing the previous evening and didn't feel like getting a new shirt.
When you go out into the kitchen to say good morning to Bro, he doesn't whisk you up into his arms and kiss you. Nope. He does this instead.
"John, go sit in that chair over there." He demands, pointing.
You look over, and... It's a chair that's facing a wall in the corner. It's a goddamn chair that's facing a wall in the corner. It's a mother-flippin' chair that's facing a wall in the goddamn corner.
You give him a look that says "are you fucking with me?" in about thirty different languages, and his face says "no I'm fucking not." in about forty. Dear God. You give him a nasty look and plop down in the chair. He hands you a bowl of cereal which you barely touch because you're really not all that hungry.
You sulk in the corner while Bro gets ready for something... What was the special thing... That was supposed to be going on... Today...
Oh, Dave's arrival. Great. You're really not in the mood to talk about all this.
"When's Dave coming?" You ask, and Bro answers more cheerfully than you thought he would.
"Well, if I'm correct, he's probably climbing the stairs to get here right about now."
You were about to say "that's bullshit" when the door fucking swings open and Dave is standing in it looking like a smug-ass king.
"Hey little bro." Bro says to him, manly embracing him like a man. "John, nobody said you could turn around."
You face the wall.
"Yeah hey bro um why in the name of Satan's buttcrack is John here?" You can feel his eyes scanning your back and you tense up. "And why the hell is he sitting in the corner?"
"Surprise..." You moan, and you hear Dave's footsteps behind you.
"What's up, John?" You begin to answer, but Bro interrupts with
"John's not allowed to talk until I say so." Dave laughs.
"What did he do, Bro?" He asks.
"Well it seems your nerdy little friend has taken a liking to throwing himself off of buildings."
"What?"
"Hey, I-" You attempt to cut in.
"Shut up."
"Fuck!"
"Nyeh!"
"What the fuck is even going on in here?" Dave shouts while clawing at his own face.
"Why the fuck didn't you tell me you were in Las flippin' Vegas?" You shoot at Dave, and Bro snorts. Dave smirks, but then his mouth turns down and his expression goes cold.
"John, I brought you back a prostitute."
"What?" But why would he... Oh no.
"Yeah, I did, only I sent her to your address because I didn't know you were here, you piece of ass crap."
"But my dad's home alone."
"Looks like Neon will be there to fill his void." Haha. Her name is Neon. How fucking lame.
"My dad is seeing Rose's mom, you anal tumor!" Dave just shrugs. "Anyway, I don't need a damn prostitute. I appreciate the gesture though, Dave."
"Thanks for costing me like ninety dollars John. Haha, bitch probably had STDs anyway."
You both laugh, but Bro decides to ruin your fun.
"Okay, so John, explain to Dave why you're sitting here in this chair."
"I tried to end my freakin' life, that's why." You sneer.
"Why?" Dave quirks a light eyebrow and you frown loudly.
"Uhh, well... So I have bad dreams sometimes." Fuck, why is he doing this to you? You don't deserve this! Ah, well, maybe you do...
"Okay John, that can't be it." Dave is looking right at you, and you feel really uneasy and lightheaded. You would probably vomit if you had eaten any cereal.
"They're really really bad, okay?" You snap, and Dave holds his hands up. "So anyway, a few hours ago, I sort of tried to jump off of the roof..." Dave's mouth sort of opens and closes again, and you nearly laugh at him. He seems to have nothing to say, so Bro stands up and tugs on his sleeve.
"Dave, things are gonna get real tense up in here, so go down the street and buy some food or something. Go get yourself one of your stupid hipster CD's too, while you're at it."
"But I just got here, can't I-"
"If you don't leave now I will come into your room tonight and shave the word 'anus' onto the back of your head again."
Dave nods and nearly runs out of the apartment, and when the door shuts, you gulp.
"John Egbert, boy do we have a lot to discuss."
"Hooray."
"Got anything to say, smart-ass?" You think of a smart thing to say back but really, you don't think you should do this to Bro. It hasn't even been a week and you're already stressing him the hell out.
"How did you know I was on the roof?" You ask with a bit more acid then you had intended.
"You left all the goddamn doors open you miniature tool."
"Oh."
You both sigh in unison. You are not allowed to sigh in unison, this is not a sitcom. This is a shitcom.
"John, I can't believe how selfish you are. Do you know how many people you would have hurt if I hadn't saved your ass? Were you even thinking?" Bro looks sad, and you don't blame him. You're the ass. It is you.
"Nobody would have cared..." You mumble.
"Are you kidding me? Think about the people that love you, John. Think about your dad, think about Dave, think about that Rose chick and her mom. Think
about your other friends that love you. Think about me, John."
You flush because that happens to be the cheesiest, most cliche, and cutest thing anyone has ever said to you. You want to cry. You're so sorry for causing all this trouble for Bro. You just want to chill with Dave and make out with Bro. Not make men in shades cry.
"I'm so sorry..." You mumble, and Bro literally falls onto the futon. He tells you to sit with him, and you do. You snuggle up against him and he strokes your hair. Wow, John, you don't cry!
"John, I'm sorry for leaving you... I know I didn't have to take that DJing job..." Bro's stubble is scratching your forehead and you wrap your arms around his waist.
"It's all good," you say softly, and you bury your face in his shirt. "I won't be a selfish little pussy next time, I swear." Your words are muffled and Bro is probably ticklish because he squirms.
"You know," You mutter while laying yourself down onto your stomach and placing your chin on one of Bro's legs. "Dave may not be here for a while."
"John, I don't want to fuck you yet."
"No, you don't have to, I just want to... Engage in some sexy sexy things, that's all."
You look up at him, and he's smirking down at you and hell yes. Let the sexy times begin, bitches.
You sit up and immediately grab Bro's face. Your tongue slides into his mouth and your tongues tango for a while. His mouth tastes minty, and you notice that he has gum in it. You pull it into your own mouth and pull away from Bro, chewing happily.
"Sick..." He twists his facial expression and you laugh.
"Bro, did I kill your erect blood sausage?"
"My blood sausage is still limp and flaccid as your sense of humor, you pale piece of shit."
"I am not pale, oh my God!"
"It's all right, you'll be flushing red soon enough anyway."
You roll your eyes and kiss his dumb face again, and his cold hands move up and down your back. You pull his shades off and toss them onto the floor and he does the same with your glasses. He cups your ass with his hands and you lace your fingers in his hair.
Bro decides to do that great thing where he sucks your lip, and you love it. When he stops, you want to complain, but then he nibbles behind your ear.
You move your hands under his shirt and play with his nipples gently. You're no good at thins, but he seems to like it and you're happy.
Bro drags his tongue down your neck and you shudder and whimper and bite your lip. You're getting pretty hard and all this is pretty great.
When Bro begins to unbutton your pants you're just as nervous as you are horny. And you're pretty damn horny right now.
As he messes with your fly he trails kisses along your collarbone. When he slides his hand around your dick and brings it out of your underwear, you close your eyes and resist the urge to touch yourself. Another person is looking at your dick. And touching it. Scratch that one off the bucket list, hell yeah.
Bro runs his thumb up and down the length of your hardening cock, feeling the veins, and you whine because you want him to do more to you. So much more.
You almost sob when he moves away from your dick and sits up.
"Lie on your back," Bro says, and you obey. He positions himself on top of you, and kneels where he is. He then unbuttons his pants, revealing his rather huge boner and lies on top of you again. Bro places his hands around your waist and grinds his crotch against yours repeatedly, and this thing here is one million times better than jacking off.
He moves his hands down to your ass again and holds on tight as his dick rubs against yours. You moan like a fucking pornstar.
You roll your hips and messily grind into his groin and the friction feels so amazing and you don't want it to stop. You really wouldn't mind doing this for the rest of your life. Gay sex is awesome.
The pleasure in your body is building up and you know you're going to climax soon. Your body is hot and slick with sweat and so is Bro's, and you're moaning and gasping and your eyes are squeezed so tightly you're nearly seeing stars.
Bro grinds into you harder, his strong hips rolling against your own working body and god do you want him to fuck you so hard and... Pleasure sweeps across your body as you come, and your back arches and you were never this flexible were you? You let out a scream as your come splatters onto Bro's body and onto yours as well.
Bro finishes off on you, and you watch his gorgeous facial expressions as he climaxes.
Wow. Your heart is beating like a fucking breakcore beat and you're4 so tired and feel so gross but so amazing. Bro is amazing. You wrap your arms around his limp, sweaty body and kiss his forehead. The two of you lie there and cuddle for a few minutes before changing your clothing.
Dave arrives about ten minutes later. He has all of your favorite snacks. What a great guy.
-
It turns out that instead of buying a CD, Dave bought an entire fucking season of a shitty looking anime. The cover is ridiculously girly and sparkly, like someone had Blingee'd the cover of Mario Party 8 and plastered some anime schoolgirls onto it.
"Is this hentai?" you ask.
"No."
"Yuri?"
"No."
"Can we watch something else?"
"No."
The three of you settle on the futon and start watching, and you think it takes a master to make an anime blow so hard. Damn.
You are about to speak your disapproval, but Bro says it before you do.
"This shit blows smoke clouds, signaling to the Japanese gods of shitty anime that they have successfully slaughtered another innocent American mind."
Dave tells him to shut his piss-guzzling trap and Bro slaps him. When you snicker Dave kicks your shin.
Looks like somebody enjoys their shitty anime.
It's nearly five hours later and you three are really into this is the best shit you've ever seen! The action is intense, the romance is sweet, and the tradgedy is... Tragic! It's a cinematic masterpiece and you're crying true anime tears.
The DVD is done. You three are done.
Life is beautiful.
"I'd so do Yume," Dave breathes. You shake your head because Yume was a bitch, anyone with eyes could see that.
"Hanako was the shit Dave, Yume was a bitch and you know it." You cross your arms and huff, tossing your invisible mane of long flowing hair.
"Rubi was pretty amazing..." Bro mutters nearly inaudibly, and you and Dave both laugh because Rubi was a moe piece of trash. You are through with conversation because if it went on, strife would follow.
Dave invites you to play some games with him while Bro does his work. Only Dave doesn't want to play games yet. He wants to talk. Well shit.
You sit. Dave closes his bedroom door and kind of walks in a little circle in the middle of his room. The window is open and you can hear crows flying around in the sweltering heat. How did they do that?
"John, I don't understand why you wouldn't tell me about this, I mean not to be a douche about it, but couldn't you have just mentioned it so I could be aware of it, or-"
"Dave, slow down. I really don't like talking about it as it is. When they first started I didn't know who to tell... Until yesterday, only my dad and Jade knew about it."
Dave pulls his shirt over his head and discards it onto the floor.
"Don't you think Rose could have helped you with it?"
"She would have made it worse," you grumble, and Dave snorts. He picks up one if his gross jarred specimens to inspect.
"Would you have told me about it, John?" Dave sounds sincere and he's not using any weird metaphors or stupid similes and you feel as if you've upset him.
"Dave, I'm sorry, but I don't think I would have been able to handle jokes about this shit back then." You look at Dave again and his bare back is no longer facing you. You can tell by his eyebrows that he's a little offended.
"John, I think I would have been able to respect that then." There's a bit of a sneer in his voice and you really don't want to fight, gosh. "Anyway, how long ago did this start?"
" A few years ago," you answer gloomily. You don't want to talk, you just want to have fun with your best bro. "Dave, it was a hard thing for me to deal with and it is now, so please don't hate me for not telling you all these years, alright?"
Dave nods and sits next to you on the bed again. What else do you need to talk about before the gaming begin?
"John, did you really try to kill yourself this morning?" No shit Sher-cock. But you nod.
"I swear to God, if you ever try that again I'll never talk to you as long as I shall fucking breathe this shitty poinonous earth air, got it? I'll ignore you so hard that the underground people forgotten in the sand by their so called lovers will laugh at you, and nobody can rub your back and give you a lollipop because you'll be less regarded than the common cold."
You laugh, and Dave smiles. Real Dave was back, hell yes.
"Dave, that made no sense!"
"It would if you had a high school diploma." And Dave freaking slides his damn diploma from under his bed and throws it at you and you crack up.
Ever since you guys had graduated, Dave had always found a way to mention his diploma, and seeing him actually do it in front of you makes you so happy.
"My dad framed my diploma. Whenever he passes by it he just stops and stares and shakes his head."
"Your dad is weird."
"Is he ever!"
Dave is the best. Bro is the best. Dave and Bro Strider are the best. And boy do you love Bro... Hmm...
"Dave can I tell you something that may forever shake our friendship?"
"... Lay it on me, dude." Okay herewegoherewegoherewegohere wego. John, just say it, Jesus poopies...
"Dave, I'm..." Your heart is thudding in your chest and dear God this is nerve-wracking. Your nerves are like crickets in a goddamn freezer. Frick frick frick.
"Dave, I have the hots for your brother." Dave's face doesn't change, making the situation a lot worse. Mother of pearl. You want to scream for some reason. Finally, Dave shrugs.
"Cool, I can add you to the list of pathetic losers who have expressed romantic interest in my equally pathetic brother." You are unimpressed and a bit offended, too.
"The feelings are mutual, Dave." You say with a bit of irritation in your voice. What is up with everyone today? Sheesh.
"John, I doubt that's true. And I'm only saying it because the thing in my brother's chest can not be called a heart, and if you were to get it photographed or some shit it would resemble a cold pile of camal dung."
"His heart sure seemed to be beating pretty well when we slept together." Whoops. Sorry Dave.
"I'm... John, I... What?" Dave snickers and you glare at him.
"What the fuck is so funny?"
"I'm sorry, I'm just trying to imagine you having sex and it's just not happening." He's laughing harder and this is so not okay.
"Fuck you, David, fuck you and-"
"Dude, dude!" Dave is grinning like the smug bastard he is and you want to punch his ass because you could totally have sex without looking like an unexperienced uke! Jesus!
"We didn't even have sex you blond turd!" You're blushing like an idiot and this needs to stop.
"John, calm down. If you two decide to get married, which I don't suggest doing anywhere near this part of the country, dumb homophobic shitnecks, you have my blessing." Dave kisses his hand and presses it to your forehead and you remember why you love Dave and his stupid talkative ass.
"Dave, you can be the flower girl. Rose can make your dress all pretty and Jade can fancy up your hair and you can frollick up the aisle with your little white basket." Dave punches your arm as you giggle at your own amazing imagery.
"Come on man, our video games are calling to us." He says, standing and stretching.
"Do you have anything to drink? My mouth is dryer than your sense of humor."
"Sure, I have apple juice in my closet." Dave pulls off his shades and winks and you have no idea why.
You three are all enjoying a nice dinner of sushi picked up at the grocery store, and it's really damn good.
"Dave, you left all of your bags in the hallway, you pile of shits." Bro says with a mouthful of sashimi. Lil Cal is sitting in his lap comfortably.
"Whoops," Dave responds, going through the TV guide. He wrinkles his nose at nearly every channel, and finally puts the remote down. "TV is shit."
"Why don't you capchalog your junk?" You ask, playing with your chopsticks.
"My fetch modus is a huge pain in the assballs."
"Okay."
Dave gets up to retrieve his bags, sighing and rubbing his butt.
You you lay over Bro (and Lil Cal's) legs and sigh.
"You're heavy." He mumbles.
"Shut the fuck up bitch you don't know me."
Dave sighs from outside the apartment. Really loud. You both ignore him. He sighs again.
"I'm going to call my dad," you announce, and Bro claps sarcastically. Dave joins in before dragging his bags into the room. One of them is filled with glass, judging by the loud clinks from within it. Bro turns to his brother and stares. Dave stares back.
"Is that alcohol?"
"No, it's my recyclables from the trip, Bro. Of course it's alcohol. I have like eight different flavors of rum in here, and I have some vodka and this really cool cream shit-"
"Dave, what the hell? What would I have done if you had gotten your ass arrested?"
"I didn't get arrested." Dave is whining and he shoves his hands in his pockets, nudging a bag with his foot.
You get up and decide to let those two settle their issues in private. You dig your rarely used cell phone out of your bag and dial your home number. Your dad picks up almost immediately. What a reliable man.
"Hi Dad!"
"Hello John, are you enjoying yourself?" You smile despite the fact that he
can't see you. Hearing his voice makes you so happy. You miss your dad so much.
"Of course I am, Dad! Dave came back early and we chilled together."
"That's nice, son. But could you hold on a moment, someone seems to be at the door."
"Alright." Damn. Oh damn, You know it's the prostitute you totally do but. This is going to be so interesting. You wait for about ten minutes before your father returns to the phone.
"Uh, John?" Your heart is thumping for some reason. Okay, so you're a little scared. But it's not like he can do anythin to you.
"... Yeah?"
"A pretty young lady just came to the door offering to strip the paint from our walls. Does Dave know about our lack of painted walls?" Is this guy fucking for real?
"No... But Dad, did she say that she was a stripper?"
"Why yes she did." You gulp.
"What did you do with her then?"
"I'm inviting her in for some dessert. She seems like a very kind woman. We're going to talk about her past relationship troubles."
"What?"
"I said that I'm going to invite-"
"No no no no no, I don't mean that. I just mean... Are you being serious?"
"Would I lie to you?"
"No."
"Alrighty then. So John, how have you been sleeping these past few nights?"
"Some nights I stay up cashing in my bad luck, some nights I call-" you sing, and your dad cuts you off.
"John, please stop. I'm being serious here now." You snort. You never know when this guy is being serious or pulling your leg. You guess you can give your dad some credit for your prankster's gambit. If pranking was an actual field of study you'd have a platinum statue in front of the university's main building. You're just that amazing.
You remember your dad on the phone and stop thinking to yourself.
"Anyway Dad, I've been sleeping fine. Bro has been helping me a lot with my dream problems."
"That's great, John! I'm glad to hear that you're well and happy. I have to hurry now, or my cake might overcook, but I'll talk to you some other time."
"Okay Dad!"
"I love you."
"... I love you too. And Dad?"
"Hmm?"
"Please let the prostitute in our house know that my room is off limits." You hang up and fucking yell.
"Dave, you sick motherfucker!"