sorry for the unannounced hiatus guys, i've been busy with illuminati and peeing and midterms and internet bans and blogging and laziness and lack of motivation i'm really gomen
You decide to get your prank on. Dave had snatched up that final straw and used it to suck up his bullshit slushie.
That shit sent a prostitute to your damn house.
Strider's gonna wish he had never been born.
You dig through your things, sending clothing and toiletries sliding across the floor. When you find the thing you're looking for, you nearly giggle. This is going to be fucking amazing.
You inform Bro of your intentions and he agrees to help you in your dastardly-scheemy-shenanigans. He sends Dave away yet again after arguing for nearly two minutes. Dave grumbles as he makes his way towards the door, and his brother throws a puppet at the back of his head.
You two begin your project. It's a long, tedious, expensive job but a hilarious and somewhat enjoyable one nonetheless. Bro is totally okay with you using up the printer ink, and busts out some more when it runs out.
You and Bro work in silence for the most part, after the chuckle fits had subsided. You're a hilarious, clever individual who deserves a big shiny trophy in comedy.
You swear, nobody has the golden comedy touch and prankster's gambit like you do. You're quite pleased that you can finally prank a close friend. Pranking people at school had been nothing but trouble, and your skills had gotten rusty as you began doing it less and less.
When you two finish, you admire your work. It was a beautiful job, and you both wish it would last forever.
You talk Bro into watching a movie with you. You're so happy when you sit down to watch Armageddon with him. Bro literally groans until snap at him to shut up and enjoy the cinematic masterpiece.
"I'll cinematically masterpiss on this entire shitty film."
"Shh, before I cinematically masterpiss on Lil Cal."
"I'll cinematically destroy you if you spill a drop of urine on him, you little greasy-balled monkey." You both shut up and watch the movie. Urine isn't brought up again.
To be honest you only watch this movie because it makes you nostalgic, and also because Liv Tyler is pretty cute. Really cute, actually.
Bro calls Dave in about 10 minutes into the movie, and he comes in soon after.
He didn't bring food for you two out of spite.
Dave sits on the futon with you.
"Is this Armageddon?"
"Hell yes it is." you answer.
"My ass is sweaty," he responds, standing up on his long legs. "Gotta wash up my hot bod so that the shit stench from this fecal movie doesn't get to me."
He grabs some clothing from his bedroom, opens the bathroom door and screams like he'd just been hit across the face.
And he has. He's been hit by
Smooth Criminal
David, are you okay?
You want to slap yourself for merely thinking that thought. Actually scratch that, you're hilarious.
You and Bro high five, and make your way to the bathroom. Dave is glaring at you, but you really can't see because you're laughing too freaking hard.
"Bro, John, what the actual fuck!" Dave is staring in horror at the shower walls. Bro pats him on the back.
"Surprise, little bro." Bro snickers and ruffles Dave's hair a bit, and Dave slaps his hand away.
You look at your masterpiece with great admiration. Every inch of shower wall and door is covered with the photo of Dave Bro had given you. The rubber chicken in the photo resembles Dave, you notice. Horror stricken.
Dave is now silent as he carefully inspects each shower wall, which is completely covered with his humiliating photo and spins on his heel to face you.
"John... John, when I'm fucking done with you you'll have eyes for testes and your fucking balls for eyes!"
"Ohh, kinky!"
"AUUGH!" You run away laughing as Dave chases you. You sprint down the hall and into Dave's room, slamming the door behind you. With a click you lock the door and stand with your back against it, your breath coming fast from excitement and minimal physical activity. You're giggling like a little girl and you don't even fucking care.
There are crows outside that can be clearly seen against the blazing red color of the sunset, and they're watching you intently. You stare for a brief moment or two before the door heavily thumps behind you.
"Let me in you little bitch!" Dave shouts. "You wasted like four hundred fucking dollars of cheap printer ink whipped up in some middle-aged guy's asshole and I can't even wash my fucking balls you shit! I'll bust the fucking door down if you don't step away!"
"Dave, I've met girl scouts stronger than you!"
"Your eyes are gonna shine like crisp, clean badges when I'm done with you, Egbert."
"Haha, alrighty then!" You step away from the door and unlock it, and Dave youth rolls in, bringing out his katana. You run to his self, grabbing the first thing you see. It's a fetus in a jar. Perfect.
Dave looks intense. You know he's not nearly as angry as he seems, but this moment is too flawless for him to treat as a joke. His eyebrows knit together when he sees you holding the jar.
"No..."
You smirk. Got him.
"Hmm, we don't want to drop this do we?" You take a few careful steps to the side. "Because I could always just trip on any of the junk in this room and splat!
No more fetus. Pickled baby is dead." Your eyes are filled with false malevolence.
"It's already dead, moron."
"Whatever man."
Dave stands up slowly, not taking his eyes off of you for even a moment.
"Alright John," He lowers his sword-bearing arm. "Put the fetus down and I won't shred you to ribbons and wrap you around a box like a 1980's Christmas present."
"Haha, put the sword away and I may think about it." Dave complies. You place the jarred fetus onto the ground, and you feel like you've won.
"Well well, John, it seems as if you get to live another day." Dave strides up to you and puts out his hand. Instead of shaking you give him the nastiest Indian rugburn you can manage before he flips you over his fucking shoulder like you're five years old. His awesome suplex lands you on the hard floor with a heavy thud. Your ass hurts. You hope Dave's arm is feeling the pain that is currently surging through your butt.
"Oww..." You stand and brush off your jeans. "Alright fagtron, you want to take this to the roof?"
Dave plops onto his bed and lies on his back. "Naah."
"Then what do you want to do?" you whine.
"Man you sound like you're eleven, chill. Let's go out for a night on the town.
Buy some games, eat some shit, take some photos, maybe even pick us up some choice bitches. That good stuff."
"Alright! My dad gave me some money, so I guess i can treat us to something..." You think about the one hundred dollars of spending money you have. If you run out you could possibly dip into your car rental money and ask your dad for a few extra dollars to pay for it. He would be more than happy to comply.
"John, I think you've forgotten about how loaded my brother is. If you need anything jut ask man. Need a blowjob? I'll be on your dick faster than your brain can process."
"Oh Mr. Strider ohh. You're so gay."
"Says the kid who exchanges spit with my brother."
"Hehe," You give your friend a quick nkt nkt before he slaps your butt and you grab your phone.
Despite the warm summer weather outside, Dave grabs a red hoodie. He then kind of stands there stiffly as if he's forgotten something.
"... Dave?" He snaps his fingers.
"Shit!"
"What?"
Dave walks over to his window and opens it wide. I a moment, two or three crows peer in curiously before hopping in. They perch on Dave's hipster photo clothesline.
You don't even ask.
Dave grabs his own phone along with his camera bag.
"Prepare for the manliest night of your life, Egbert."
You laugh. "My genitals are absolutely tingling, man."
You head out.
Dave is pretty impressed wih your car. You don't care if it's because he doesn't have one, it's just pretty cool that he likes it.
"She has a name, you know." Nobody knows how to start a conversation like you do. You give Dave an "are you gonna ask?" look.
"John, don't tell me you're like that guy who's sexually attracted to his car."
"When you and Bro are sleeping I sneak out to put my dick in her. I put my dick in the car."
Dave smirks. "Turn the car on."
You grind your ass into the seat and moan. "Ohh... Ahhh, damn babe..." You start the car and pull out of your spot, the two of you snickering like 4th graders reading Playboy.
Dave tries to play some weird folk music shit on the radio, so you avoid having to listen by striking up conversation.
"So, gonna pick up a chick or two tonight?" You stop for a woman clearly disregarding the Do Not Walk sign, and she waves apologetically in nyour direction. You smile and wave back.
"Come on, John. You should fucking know by now."
Oh. Yeah. Uh...
"Wow, I swear to God everyone around me is fucking gay! You, Rose, your brother..." Dave snickers while you think about the people in your life that aren't raging homos. Your dad, Rose's mother, Jade... Wow! The world really has changed. Thank you, Obama.
Dave presses his face to the window, his shades clacking lightly against the cold glass.
"You know what I'd appreciate, bro?" He sighs, his lips pushed to the side.
"Get your greasy face off the window, Dave!" Dave disobeys and continues his to-be soliloquy. It's a soliloquy because you're pretty much not listening. You'll listen when he gets his pasty skin off of your car window!
"Man... I'd just love to meet a really hot guy with a nice sized dick and a nice, soft, big pair of tits..." His breath is fogging up the window, and you're actually listening.
"Dave, you're a dumb and fucked up guy." You sigh and realize you don't even know where the fuck you're going.
"Where am I even driving?" You're the tiniest bit panicked and you look around frantically. None of the streets are familiar. There's a book store, a
Chinese restaurant, a record store, but not a familiar landmark in sight. Well, it's not like you even know the city, and it's hard to navigate at night!
Boy do you think a lot.
"Calm your sensitive shota nipples, John, we're just takin' a little joy ride, is all." Dave draws a penis in the small spot of fog on the window. The little faggot.
"You could have said that a while back, dicklord..."
"You should have noticed." There's silence as you observe the city lights. You're not used to not being able to see the stars when you glance out. The bright lights still amaze you, though you visit Seattle quite often with your father. This isn't Seattle, however.
Despite the bright lights, you see the reddish brown of rain clouds in the sky.
You should have checked the weather before you left.
"Dave, this blows and it's going to start raining. Where do we go first?" You look around for a place to park and spot none. You keep driving. Dave lifts his head up.
"Uhh, turn left at the next light!" Dave blurts, and you barely have enough time to think. You turn.
"Where are we going?" You ask.
"We're gonna pick up some games and a hot guy or something."
"I doubt you're going to find a hot guy at a Game Stop on a rainy fucking night."
"Whatever, I'm always equipped with my swagnet. My swag magnet. Steamin' dudes with their hard-as-metal boners are pulled in by the swag. They can't escape my postitively-charged penis."
"Please don't use the word swag."
"Swag, swaggie, swagbert, swagley swag Jr. and swag III fight to the death over who got the most swagga up in this swag powered bitch. King swaggor watches upon the games with his mighty swaggin' pimp cane, Herman pimp Cain, swagging upon all..." Dave is mostly talking to himself at this point, so you leave him be. You still don't know where you're going, so you rely on your shitty cell phone GPS. You luckily find a place to park not too far from your destination.
You and Dave get out of the car, and you press the lock button about ten times before Dave rests his hand over yours. It's time to stop. the look on his face says. You lock it one more time before pocketing your keys.
Upon entering the video game store, Dave immediately rushing to what you believe is the 360 section. You take a look at PC games because yeah, people still play those.
Right?
You look around for any other signs of life. There is only a man at the register, who isn't very attractive. You guess he would be attractive is he didn't look like he was stoned as fuck, and if his skin wasn't a acne farm. He also needed a shave. You can see Dave looking too. You can see the disappointment on his face.
You smirk and give the games in front of you your attention. Good game. Expensive. Cool game. Expensive. Really stupid looking game. Expensive. You hate everything.
Dave appears by your side equipped with two or three games. The onlly one you recognize is a Tekken game. Yeah, they still make those. And they're still great.
He inspects the games lined up on the shelf.
"...Hmm... If you're going to get a PC game, make it scary. Like piss the bed scary." Then Dave looks up at you. "Uhh, like, if that's alright with you, like yeah if you can't handle it just umm... Say..."
"It's alright man, it's cool. We can get a scary game, I don't care." You don't think you have to worry about it. You're not about to let your problems ruin your best friend's fun.
You and Dave agree on some creepy Japanese game and put some money together to pay.
You walk out, carrying your bags like stereotypical teenage girls in shitty movies. It's drizzling, and Dave puts up his hood. You're dumb. The only thing protecting you from the rain is your stunning charisma.
Your phone buzzes in your pocket as the two of you make your way to the car.
After setting your sweet loot in the back seat, you check it.
Hey there bubble butt. It's Bro. Wanna have a pee pee war when you get back? I miss you.
You roll your eyes and text back.
...how did you get my number?!
Dave is looking at your screen and smirks.
"That's some fucked up shit, John."
"What?"
"I miss you. My brother sounds like a little pussy because of you. Congrats." Dave gives you a friendly back slap. Bro texts back.
Did you know that Dave still uses an address book? That's pretty much the answer to your not very necessary question. You up for some hot frottage or not, Egbert? My dick is shivering with anticipation. ;)
You text back.
sorry, but dave and i are gonna hit a few spots in town and game pretty much all night. you can join in if you'd like! i know you like games as much as we do. and you can't touch my weiner in front of dave, so don't even think about it.
Nah, I'm old, so I'm just gonna go to bed I guess. Feel free to join me before you pass out later, because your Gay. Remember who you are, John. And god fucking dammit I was so looking forward to licking your dick in front of Dave and maybe your Dad too. That's my #1 favorite kink. Next is skullfucking
You get another text from him.
Don't play Sonic '06.
You add his number to your contacts and put your phone down.
"Where to next, captain?" You start up the car.
"Starbucks, my nigga. Also when we get home, let's build a gaming fort."
"Can we buy some snacks too?" Dave glares at you, and you wonder what you said wrong.
"Gaming without snacks is suicide, John."
You pull out of your parking spot, and Dave gives you directions and you drive, thinking about how cool it is to be spending manly time with your best friend.
You're sort of a really lucky guy. You smile.