I'm Giving Up On You(2)

I get up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep. I am not the kind of person who sleeps well in a different enviornment than usual. I get my sketch pad and my pencil, heading out of the room.

When I'm walking past the boys' room, I see something on the door. A sticky note.

Went outside to grab some midnight snack. Will come back soon.

I continue walking until a thought occurs. I get their key out of my pocket and slowly open the door. I step inside the dark room, searching for Sebastian's bag. I find it neatly placed beside a bed that must be Sebastian's. I carefully rummage through his stuff, looking for something unusual. I find a notepad, but when I open it, it's blank. I find some blades hidden in a pocket, and I also find his stele. Then, I find a ticket-

"What are you doing here?"

Startled, I stand up, dropping his bag. Sebastian is lying down on his bed, his face neutral as usual.

"I thought... I thought you were out."

"The other two boys are. But why don't you answer my question, dear sister?"

"I was... I had a headache and I was wondering if you brought some meds."

"Weird, you seemed to... I don't know, very tensed up while you were searching?"

I bite my lip, waiting for him to say something else.

"Come here," he says hoarsely, sitting up.

"Why?" I try to sound strong, but it comes out like a whimper.

He smirks, putting his hands on my waist and dragging me toward him.

I stay like that, my heart about to burst open.

He carefully brushes a loose strand of my hair back.

"I think I remember. I thought it was a dream, but it was real. I'm sure," he speaks.

"Remember what?"

"You," he grins.

He grabs my hip, raising me upward-I can't believe I'm that light-and putting me down on his lap. I try to pull away, but his intense gaze keeps me frozen.

"What about me?" I whisper, finally breaking the silence.

"You see, I might have been drunk, but not that drunk, Clarissa."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I say, trying to pull away, but Sebastian keeps me still.

He grabs my hands and put them in his sides, leaning in to kiss me. I lean backward, wishing he'd let me go.

"Sebastian-"

"Shh. I can make you forget about him. I can make your nightmares go away. I can love you forever."

"You know you can't. Stop lying to yourself and me."

"I do love. I felt hatred everytime the golden boy touched you. I happen to think that that is love."

"That isn't love. When you love someone, you don't think, you feel. It's not what's in your brain. It's all about your heart," I whisper.

"I do feel. In my heart. You think I can't feel love because my heart is tainted, don't you?"

"Demons don't feel."

"But angels do. Don't forget I still have Nephilim blood in my veins, dear sister."

"You're not a shadowhunter anymore."

"And so are you. We're the same."

"Not again," I mutter under my breath.

"What is it that the boy has, that I don't?"

"Everything. Trey is-"

"I wasn't talking about him. I was talking about the Herondale."

I inhale sharply as he mentions the name.

"You still love him, I know that. But why?"

I don't answer, tears lingering in my eyes.

"I can make you forget. I can be him. I can love you much more than he did," he brushes my tears away gently.

I still love him. I am desperately, patheticly, and devastatingly in love with him. And although I'm dating Trey, I'll never be able to let him go.

"Let him go, Clary. Let him rest. You need to move on."

"I did move on," I whisper through my tears.

"For real, you didn't," he runs his hand along my hair.

I slap the hand away, wiping my tears.

"Please leave me alone."

"Clary-"

"Let go of me," I say, this time more sternly.

Then, he door flies open, revealing Derek and my boyfriend.

"Clary?" Trey asks, confused.

"Trey," I quickly get myself off Sebastian as his grip loosens,

Derek glares at Sebastian, his posture all tensed up.

"What are you doing here?"

"I was just looking for some meds, but Sebastian wanted to talk to me. I think I'll go now," I walk away from Sebastian.

Derek gives me an inquiring look on my way out, but I decide to ignore it.

"Yes! Sushi!" I scream as Trey delievers them to our room for breakfast.

I give him a light kiss on his cheek, and sit down with others to eat.

"I knew you'd scream like that."

"Well, me being me, I had to," I tell him, smiling.

He laughs, caressing my hair, and I playfully slap away his hand when I see the jealous look on Derek's face.

"I think I'll just head back to our room. I need to finish packing up," he stands up, walking out of the room.

"I think I'll help Derek," I say, following him.

"But what about the sushi?" Christina asks.

"Just save me some!"

I find Derek sitting on the edge of his bed.

"Hey, you... Okay?"

"Yup," he nods, his gaze on his feet.

I sit down next to him, feeling a bit awkward.

"What was she like?" I ask.

He makes a sad smile, turning to face me.

"Beautiful. She had red hair like you, but she denied it all the time, saying she's a brunette. Her cold, pale gray eyes radiated intelligence all over. She had trust issues and was very very sarcastic, but I really didn't mind."

"Do you ever regret? Loving her?"

"No, never."

"I do," I whisper. "I wish I haven't met him in the first place."

"The time will heal everything. I regretted too, at first, but you adapt. It turns to something else."

"I don't think it ever will. I only feel pain."

"Just wait and see. You'll know what I mean."

"I don't know..."

"You know what I do regret though?"

"What?"

"Not telling her. If I've known that I'd be like this anyways, I would have told her. I would have kissed her. I was just too scared, I guess," he says bitterly. "And look what happened. She got married, had three kids, and died."

I remain silent.

"Don't worry," he speaks again. "She was happy, so I just accept it."

"Do you think I'll be able to do that too someday? Accept it?"

"After all, we are smart creatures. We always, always do."

I step into the pool once again, feeling the coldness seep into my skin. Sebastian comes in too, right beside me.

"You going to the deeper part this time?" He asks.

"No."

"I can teach you."

"No thanks."

"Come on. Let me teach you."

"I said no."

"First, get to know the feel of the water," he says, ignoring my comment. "Move around your limbs."

Unconsciously, I do as he says.

"There you go. Now grab onto my hand and try to float on the water, stomach down."

"There is no way I'm learning how to swim from my brother in front of this many people like a baby."

"Well, they don't have to think that I'm your brother," he says, grabbing my hip and pulling me closer against him.

"Yes, they do," I push him away. "I'm gonna go find Trey now."

"You should really tell him, you know."

"Tell him what?"

"How you really feel. Because I don't think you should be the one giving me lectures about love."

"Hey, mom?"

"Yes, honey?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Use protection, Clary," she jokes.

"Mom."

"Fine, what is it?"

"What would you do if... Okay, there's this friend of mine, his name is Patch. He just broke up with the love of his life, and what if he was using another girl to get over her? To keep his promise to her to move on?"

"Well, honey. I won't blame him. He's confused and angry. But if he knows that he's hurting the girl, he shouldn't be doing it. Who knows, maybe the girl's already in love with Patch. That wouldn't end up well."

"But what if he wanted to move on? What if he couldn't find anyone else? What if he was afraid of letting the girl go, because he likes the girl in a friendly way, and doesn't want to say goodbye?"

"Things don't always go the way you want it to. He needs to let her go even if it means loosing her. And I'm sure that years later, Trey will look back and say, well that was a hell of a weird but lovable friend."

"How did you know?" I squint my eyes.

"It was obvious everytime you were with him. You looked at him the way you used to look at Simon. But I wanted you to make your own choices."

"So you're saying I should tell him?"

She nods, cupping my cheek with her hand.

"So? What did you want to talk about?"

I sit down next to him on a bench, swollowing hard.

"Everything's okay, right?"

"Listen, remember when we talked about my... Exes?"

He nods, probably wondering where this is going.

"Well, I told you about one boy... That I used to love. That I still think about."

"Don't tell me he said he wants you back," he says, his voice harsh.

"He didn't. He can't. Because... Because he's dead."

Trey looks startled.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, hugging me.

"I'm not done yet. Trey, I don't just think about him. I... I still love him. And I know that we're dating, but I don't think about you in that way."

Trey doesn't speak, trying to take in what I just said.

"I understand that you're mad, but I wasn't thinking clearly. I'm so sorry. I really am, and I regret it so much. But if you-"

"No, stop. Stop talking," he says, taking deep breaths. "You don't like me."

"I do like you! I love you! But just... Not in that way."

"You just used me?"

"Trey-"

"You used me. And now you're telling me you don't need me anymore."

"I do need you! I just realized I'm not being fair, and-"

"You know what's not fair? It's you who made mistake, and I'm the one who has to pay for it."

"I'm sorry. But I'll be paying for it too. Because I love you-"

"If you loved me, you wouldn't have done this to me. You don't hurt people you love."

I freeze, knowing that it sounds familiar. It's what I always tell Sebastian. He was right, I'm not the to give out lectures.

"Trey, I'm so sorry."

"And what, now? You're sorry, so we're gonna go watch a movie and stay friends from now on? Cause you know what? I'm done with this. Whatever this was, because I thought it was something special, but apparently, it wasn't to you," he says, standing up.

"Trey... Can't we just stay friends or something? I know I don't deserve you, but I can't loose you."

"How much more selfish can you get? Do you have any idea... Any idea how close I was to fall in love for you. It could have been next week! It could have been tomorrow! Or maybe... Maybe I already am."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop. I don't want to hear it anymore."

I wipe a tear from my face, standing up too.

"You know, it makes perfect sense now. Everything. I was too stupid not to realize it."

"Is this... Goodbye?"

He doesn't answer, leaving the question hanging in the air as he walks away from me. And now, I know. I just lost another boy I love.

Aww... Sorry, I had to do that because I was growing too attached to Trey, and I had to stick to the plot. Well, hope you enjoyed and Nora Grey is the one Derek loved.