I'm Sorry

I stumble into my room, picking up my pajama pants on my way to the bed. I collapse on the mess of the sheets, facedown. I slowly get changed, trying to take as much time as possible. But when I'm done, and I don't have anything left to do, my tears loose control. I stifle my sob into the pillow, soaking it with my tears.

I'll never have him back. No matter what I do, he'll never forgive me. Guilt. I remember what Sebastian told me about it. Could Jace have...? No, I should really stop letting Sebastian affect my thoughts. But still though, he was right about one thing. I should have let Trey go earlier.

My burning tears trickle down my cheeks as I try to breathe. In, and out. In, and out. I try to calm myself down, but I can't stop crying. I think about Jace once again. He's gone, Simon's gone, and now Trey. Maybe Sebastian was right about something else. Maybe I'm too selfish for people to like me.

The door creaks open, letting a streak of light get into the room. I pretend to be sleeping, remaining still. I know it's Sebastian by the footsteps.

He comes near me, and I wonder if he's here to comfort me, or kill me. Like I said, he's unpredictable. I feel him lying on my bed behind me, putting his arms around me.

Usually, I would have pushed him away. But now, I just can't find myself to do it. There is so less love, but so much hatred.

I gasp for air when I can't hold the pain back anymore. I want to scream, just like I did when I saw Jace for the last time. I want them back. Because I'm selfish. I want Jace, Simon, and Trey back. And my brother. I want my brother back.

I feel Sebastian's breath on the back of my neck. I suddenly realize that maybe, this is all because of him. Maybe then, Jace wouldn't have died. Maybe then, I wouldn't have hurt Trey.

Right, blaming everything on him. How noble of you. Maybe this is why I couldn't have been a shadowhunter. I'm too weak and selfish. And that's why I'm blaming Sebastian.

Letting out a pained sound, I claw at Sebastian's arms. He's the one that caused everything. He ruined my life. I kick him, and scream at him, but he doesn't respond. He just keeps his arms around me, warm and tight. And that night, I end up clinging onto him helplessly, remembering what he said about people clinging onto each other. Tonight, everything he'd said was proved right.

I wake up with a start out of a nightmare. I open my eyes, blinking a few times to adjust to the light. I see Sebastian in a chair next to the bed, looking at my... Looking at my sketchbook!

I gasp, reaching out for my drawings.

"What the hell?"

"I see you're up. Always have to make your appearance loud, don't you?"

"You don't look at my sketchbook. No one does."

"I had a headache, I was looking for some meds."

I squint, recognizing that.

"Whatever," I mutter. "Get out now."

"Why?"

"Because," I reply curtly, getting off the bed.

"I'll see you downstairs, okay?"

I nod, tying my hair back into a ponytail. I get changed, and sit down on the bed for a while. Should I call Trey? Just thinking about him hurts so much. Maybe I should just give him some time. But what if I loose him forever? It doesn't matter, I deserve it.

Shaking my thoughts off, I head downstairs to find Sebastian making pancakes.

"You're making pancakes," I state the obvious.

"Yup. Problem with that?"

"I thought you were born to be a warrior, not a cook."

"Trust me, I am fighting with this instructions. I can't believe this is English."

I snort, slouching on a chair.

"So I'm guessing it went bad?" He asks carefully as he flips the pancakes.

"Why do you care?"

"Well, for one, you are my sister."

"And here we go again."

"See? When you watch movies, you'll know this is how a normal siblings fight."

"I do watch my movies. You don't."

He shrugs, not bothering to look at me.

"I told you you should have done it earlier."

I remain silent, not wanting to admit it.

Sebastian brings the food on a plate, sitting down in front of me.

"When did my mom leave?" I ask.

"Shortly after you left last night."

I wish my mom was here to comfort me. I look at Sebastian, studying him. He's changed a lot ever since he first came here. Although he's still as manipulative as he was, something about him changed. Not more angelic or more demonic, but more humane. Just like I changed myself into a mundane.

"What are you looking at?" He suddenly asks, interrupting my thoughts.

"Nothing."

Just then, my phone rings, and I look at the screen to check the caller. I stand up abruptly, fumbling with my phone.

"It's Simon," I tell Sebastian, quickly accepting the call.

"Simon?" I ask, grinning like a little child.

Ms. Inkster was right after all.

"Clary," my heart sinks as soon as I hear his voice knotted with concern and stress.

"Is something wrong? Please tell me everything's okay."

"I don't know how to say this, but..."

"Just freaking open your mouth and pronounce the words!"

"You're mom's here. And she's... Hurt."

I sprint across the Institute, my footsteps echoing around in the building.

"Clary-"

I run past Izzy, into the infirmary.

"Mom?" I jog toward a bed where a figure is lying down.

A figure with fiery hair.

"Clary," Simon says.

"Is she going to be alright?" I ask frantically, not even bothering to catch my breath.

"Probably, though I can't be sure. Magnus took care of her."

"What... What happened?"

"A demon."

"Where was she?"

"We can't tell you," Izzy says from behind.

"Why not?"

"Because you're not one of us anymore," she says.

"So that's why?" I ask, looking back and forth between Izzy and Simon. "That's why you guys are shutting me out?"

"No, Clary. It was an order from the Clave-"

"No, Simon. I don't want to do this right now. I just want to be with my mom."

Simon nods understandingly, leaving the room with Izzy.

I look at my mom, as pale as a ghost.

"Mom," I whisper. "Please wake up. I want to see your eyes. I want you to tell me what happened."

I gently brush her cheek, wishing it would turn bright pink again.

"I love you, please wake up."

I grab her hand, providing her some warmth, but just then, I hear something crackle. I look at her hand and find something in her fist. A peice of paper. Slowly and carefully, I take the note out of her grip.

withered iris never to eclipse right

speak out loud so that it can echo

all should know

dare engrave raw emerald king

feather of raven

fake ivy resulting end

I knit my eyebrows together, trying to figure out whatever this is. It's definitely my mom's handwriting, but it doesn't make any sense at all. I put the note in my jean pocket, looking at my mom.

"Mom, please wake up and tell me what this means."

"Clary, are you going to stay for the night?" Isabelle asks.

"I don't know."

I don't want to leave my mom, but I don't want to stay a night in this place. Too many memories I want to forget.

"Look, don't worry about your mom, okay? We'll take care of her. She'll be fine."

I nod.

"Maybe I should come back tomorrow morning. Do you think she'll wake up soon?"

"I don't know, Magnus said it might take a while."

"A while ask in...?"

"He doesn't know. He said it might take quite a long time."

I bite my lip, my hands unconsciously covering the pocket where the note is resting in.

"I'll come back as soon as I can, okay?"

Izzy nods.

"Oh, and Isabelle? Can you please, please call me sometimes? I really need you guys."

"We'll try our best, Clary."

"How is she?" Sebastian asks as I walk in to the house.

"Do you really care?"

He doesn't answer for a moment.

"She didn't care for me, so why should I?"

"Then why do you ask?"

"I don't want to give you another reason to hate me."

"I'm tired. I'm going to sleep."

"Clary, wait," he says, grabbing my arm to stop me.

He leans in to meet my lips with his, gently which is unexpected. But that doesn't stop me from pushing him away. He's a demon. He can't love, and you can't love a demon.

"Just because I am not with Trey anymore doesn't mean I suddenly like you," I speak coldly.

"But it does mean you don't have to feel guilty when I kiss you."

"I never felt guilt when you kissed me. I only felt disgust."

"You're wrong," he holds my face in his hand. "You love me."

He leans back in again, kissing me more roughly this time. But this time, I don't try to push him away. I shut down every nerves and muscles in my system, still and unmoving until he's done.

"Clary," he whispers against my neck.

I, then, finally pull away.

"Please don't do this. If you really want to be loved, you don't do this."

"I do love you," he whispers against my hair.

"And I love you too," he looks surprised. "But not this you. I love Jonathan. The boy who held me as I cried, the boy who asked me to dance with him, the boy who tried to teach me how to swim, the boy who gave me advices about my friends."

And that's when I realize that I'm speaking the truth. I do love him. I've spent more than six months with him, and I love him. But I also realize that this boy standing in front of me is not that boy. He is too ruined. Too tainted with Lilith's blood.

"He's not here. It's all in your fantasy," he hisses painfully.

We stay like that quietly, both longing for each other, but not really each other. I don't want him. I want his phantom. He doesn't want me. He wants my love. But how so, if neither his phantom or my love doesn't exist?

But some things are better off not explained. Sometimes, it's better if you don't look. So I close my eyes, fooling my heart just for one second to believe that this is Jonathan. I stand on my tiptoes, kissing his cheek lightly. He looks down at me with a shocked face.

"Don't think it was meant for you," I say, snapping back to reality and walking away from him.

I know it's a little short, but I promise to update again soon. Do you think you can figure out what that note means? Try it, it's quite simple, actually. I know that a lot of things are unexplained right now, but that's just me being me. I like revealing everything in the end. Hope you enjoyed this chapter.