That I Couldn't Get to You

withered iris never to eclipse right

speak out loud so that it can echo

all should know

dare engrave raw emerald king

feather of raven

fake ivy resulting end

I keep reading it over and over, but I just can't figure it out. Withered iris never to eclipse right? Dare engrave raw emerald king? Do I even know what I'm trying to figure out?

I hear a ringtone for receiving text, and I look at the screen, hoping it's Trey. But my heart drops when I see that it's Derek.

(Trey is acting weird... Everything ok between with you guys?)

Sighing out loud, I text him back.

(I told him how I feel and he broke up with me...)

I shut my eyes close, not wanting to think about that moment.

(Oh... I should probably talk to him. u ok?)

(...)

(Maybe I shouldn't have asked that...)

(Maybe ur right. Look, I need 2 ask u something.)

(?)

I text him what my mom wrote down on the note quickly.

(WTF?)

(I know...)

(Sorry, but I srsly don't get this crap.)

(Can't u even guess? Like, does iris have anything to do with shadowhunters? Or maybe my brother?)

(Nothing I can recall of... Maybe you shouldn't focus on the sentence. Maybe focus on the words or the letters. Can't u see any patterns?)

(Not yet...)

I listen to Derek, looking at the words first. Withered, iris, never, to, eclipse, right. I sigh, trying a few new matches, but failing epically.

Withered, speak, all, dare, feather, fake... I then, frown, seeing something. I stumble with my phone, texting Derek.

(I figured it out! I found out what it means!)

(What?)

(It mentions you in it... Read the first letter of every words. winter solstice ask Derek for fire.)

(What fire?)

(Only if I knew...)

(Could it be talking about heavenly fire?)

(Do you have it?)

(No, duh... And what about the winter solstice?)

(Yeah, about that, I think Sebastian is going to do something on that day. He mentioned the winter solstice a few times.)

(Well, I'll just try to figure out what the fire means. Gtg now. I'll text u when I figure something out.)

(K, bye)

Sighing, I get off my bed to put some clothes on. I go downstairs, finding Sebastian. Still awkward from yesterday, I slowly walk into the kitchen, pouring myself some juice.

"Morning," he says.

I nod slightly, not making an eye contact.

"Are you going to visit your mom?"

"Probably at noon or something. Why?"

"I was wondering if I could take you somewhere."

"Where?"

"Where I grew up."

"Where you grew up?" I ask, shocked.

I've always thought about Sebastian being trained, but I never thought about him actually growing. Him growing up into this boy.

"Yes. You wanna come?"

"Sure," I say, this time more willingly than the time before.

I won't bring the weapons this time. I know he won't hurt me.

"What's it like?" I ask, not able to hold back my curiosity.

"You'll see."

I try to read his expression, but as always, his face doesn't show any emotions. Does he feel anything? Love, hatred, jealousy, happiness... Now I'm wondering, I've seen hatred, jealousy, hurt, and betrayal on his face, but why not love? Or happiness? Is he ever happy?

"Come on, we're gonna use the ring."

"Is this it?" I ask, looking at the grass field.

"We just have to walk for a bit."

I follow him in excitement. Maybe... Maybe if he sees the place where he grew up, he might feel something. Maybe there might be an emotion on his face.

"We're here," he announces, staring at a small cottage.

"Where exactly are we geographically?"

"Right outside Alicante."

"Are we... Safe?"

"You? Safer than usual."

But that's not what I meant. But then again, of course he's safe. No one can bend his wills.

We walk inside the cottage, a pleasant smell of woods greeting us. I inhale deeply, looking around. It's just a small cottage, nothing unusual.

"I was born in the Fairchild manor, but Valentine burned it to fake our deaths. After then, he raised me here, while he brought Jace to the Wayland manor."

I wonder how his childhood was. I bet he never giggled or smiled. I bet he has no happy memories at all.

"Valentine taught me everything. But he never loved me. He said no one will ever love me because I'm a monster. Not that I care. All I ever want is you," he says, brushing a strand of my hair back.

I flinch away from his touch. Am I supposed to be feeling bad for him? Because, the thing is, I don't. Because I don't know if it is Sebastian or Jonathan standing in front of me.

"Tell me you love me," he whispers.

I avoid his intense gaze, turning my head away. What am I supposed to say? That I love him? I don't know who this is. At least when I first met him, it was easy. I just had to hate him.

"Tell me you'll never abandon me."

I feel a tear streaming down my face. But why? Why am I crying?

"Are you here?" I ask painfully slowly.

Sebastian looks at me, confused.

"I want to know," I try one more time. "What you are right now."

He remains silent. Maybe he doesn't know himself either.

I look up at him to meet his gaze again. His eyes are black as ever, but I find myself hoping I'd see some green. Some hope. Some love.

He cups my cheek gently, slowly inching in toward me. I freeze, not sure what to do. I want to kiss him so badly. Maybe that's true. But I don't want to make Sebastian confused. I don't want to make him think the wrong thing.

When his lips meet mine, it gets harder. Not just because of the desire. Because I don't know what's right or wrong. Come on. Think, Clary. It's either pushing him away or letting him kiss you.

When you love someone, you don't think, you feel. It's not what's in your brain. It's all about your heart.

I hear my own voice in the back of my head. So I do. I forget about Sebastian. I only know Jonathan right now. Jonathan, whom I'm sure is kissing me right now.

I tangle my fingers in his hair, trying to capture every second of the kiss. Trying to enjoy while I can. When I'm with Jonathan.

Surprised, he moves his hands down to my waist, pulling me closer against him. His tongue tug at my closed lips, asking for an entrance. I let him, not allowing any thoughts of Sebastian bother me.

The kiss grows more passionate, but I really don't care. All I want to do is to stop the time. I wish he'll stay like this forever.

I finally pull away, fear gathering in my brain. What am I afraid of? He leans his forehead against mine, his warm breath tickling my face.

"Shall I show you the rest of the cottage?" He asks quietly.

I nod, separating myself from him. I don't know if I've done the right thing or not. But I am absolutely sure that I don't regret it.

"Let me show you my room."

I follow him into a small room. And it resembles Jace's so much. The same IKEAish style, everything organized so neatly.

I try to imagine little Sebastian lying in the bed, sleeping soundlessly. Just like when he was drunk that night.

"Can I ask you something?" I ask, willing to do this while he's closer to Jonathan.

"What is it?"

"Look, I'm not stupid. I know something will happen on the winter solstice, and I want to know what and why."

"Nothing," he says, quietly.

I bite my lips, knowing that he's lying.

"Please don't make me find out myself. What happens on winter solstice, and what do I have to do with it?"

"You don't trust me, huh?"

"I do trust you... It's just that..."

I sigh, not knowing what to say.

"What, that you trust Jonathan, but not Sebastian?" he says, coldly.

I remain speechless, knowing that this is not the boy I just kissed a few minutes ago.

"Do you realize how stupid that sounds? It's always been me. It's always been Sebastian. There is no Jonathan. He's dead!" He looks furious, really furious. "Will you stop longing for the deceased? The Jonathan you love so much is dead. Just like the Herondale."

I inhale sharply, ignoring the throbbing pain. He's wrong. He's lying just like always.

"I am not Jekyll and Hyde. I'm Sebastian, and Sebastian only. It's me who injured you, it's me who slept beside you, it's me who you put me on the sofa, it's me who's yelling at you right now. And it's me who you kissed."

I shake my head, fooling myself into believing that he's wrong.

"Don't try to think of other excuses for your affection toward me," he says, gripping my shoulder tightly.

"I do not feel any attraction toward you," I state coldly.

"And here we go again. Don't you start talking about the damn Jonathan again. Maybe you should just die too. Maybe you should join them if you love them so much."

I gasp, clutching at my heart. I was an idiot. For believing that I love whoever it was that I kissed just a few minutes ago. And I do regret the kiss now. I was just wrong about everything.

I need to realize that the green eyed boy in my dream doesn't exist. That I wasn't kissing him.

"Of course, of course," I whisper through the thick layer of my tears.

Sebastian just stand there, clenching his jaws. I wonder if he would cry right now if he could. I wonder if this would be the time for him to cry if he has any tears in him. But as usual, he doesn't, proving me wrong.

"Can't you just... Love me for what I am right now? Can't you stop making up lies to yourself?" He asks, trying to calm himself down, but I can hear strained pain in his voice. "At least promise to try."

But do I really want to love him? The monster that destroys everything that comes to him? But I don't know the answer to that.

So I just collapse on the ground, curling myself into a ball. I sob out loud, grieving for another death. Another death of someone that never existed. I don't bother to figure out anything. I rock myself back and forth, trying to wash away the pain.

Broken. That's what we are. Two broken morning stars longing for something they'd never get.

I was just constantly sighing while writing this chapter. Everything is just so complicated... Hope you enjoyed, and thanks for reviewing.