Still do not own Naruto
"Hey guys guess what!" Naruto yells as he draws near his friends. They spare him a glance before going back to what they were doing before: getting drunk off their asses. A rather noble cause, if they do say so themselves.
"Pay attention to me," the blonde Hokage whines, sounding like a five year old.
"Troublesome. Act your age, not your intelligence, Naruto." (You know who said that. If you say Shino get off my fanfiction)
The gathered shinobi, aided heavily by the alcohol, laughed like it was the funniest thing since that time Ino shaved off Lee's eyebrows. His face just looked…..bare without them, like the Hokage mountain without the faces of dead people on it. Yet another example of the genius the inebriated mind is capable of.
"But guyyyyyyyyyyyyys!"
"Shut up or you won't get any sex tonight Naruto-kun."
"Fine." Naruto pouts, and has been downgraded to four year old.
"Why do you always use that threat, Hinata?" Sakura asks curiously.
"Because it always works."
"Hmmm…" Tenten thinks for a minute. "Neji(Yes, Neji is alive, because I like Neji), when we get home give Hisana a bath." Nobody ever wants to do that, because everyone knows that Tenten and Neji's daughter has spent too much time around her godfather Naruto, and has adopted some of his energy. They just thank god they didn't give that title to Lee…..
"Yeah no way is that happening." Neji states bluntly.
"Do it or no sex for a month."
Neji looks like he's about to argue, but thinks better of it. You just can't fight a female, you always lose. "Yes, dear."
"Holy shit I can't believe that worked." Ino breathed. "Choji, what would you do if I refused to put out?"
"Cry," he answers without a second of hesitation.
Ino sees Temari casting contemplative glances at her husband and decides to nip that in the bud. "It would never work for Shikamaru though. He's too lazy for that to be any kind of threat. It would be too much work."
Shikamaru gives her a weird look. "Anybody who thinks sex is work is doing it wrong." Everyone stares at him in shock. He actually gets off his ass for something?
"Why is this the topic all of our drunken conversations come to?" Naruto grumbles into the beer he lifted off a passing chunin. Who said the Hokage had to have morals?
"Because we are adults in the prime of our lives." Sakura said in a matter-of-fact voice.
"Because we are horny as all fuck." Kiba deadpans.
"For Ramen-sama's sake will you shut up! This is supposed to be a kid-friendly fanfiction!"
Silence.
Siiiiiilence.
The silence is deafening.
Asound like breaking glass. The fourth wall crumbles to reveal a sixteen-year-old girl with dirty blonde hair in sweatpants and a spiderman t-shirt. Pay no attention to the girl behind the wall. It is an illusion.
"Naruto," Hinata says in a threatening voice, shadows falling over her eyes. "I am going to castrate you!" she screams jumping up and running after her husband who had the sense to flee the second he saw her face.
"Now dickless really will be dickless." Sai states in a decidedly pleased manner.
Twenty minutes later they came back, Hinata sporting a new pair of earrings. Just kidding she wants kids in the future. She sewed them back on after she ripped them off.
"Hey isn't the fourth wall still broken?" Choji points out. All heads turn to where you can still see the writer. She waves as she eats Cheeto's.
"Naruto go fix it." And he knows better than to argue with his wife.
(Please wait a few moments while Naruto reassembles the fourth wall with duct tape
and superglue.)
"Okay," Naruto sits down at the table and they pretend that nothing happened. Because nothing did. "So who wants to hear what happened now?"
The assembled shinobi just shrugged, they had nothing better to do anyway. And so Naruto enthusiastically launches into an explanation of this morning's events.
The table was silent as everyone digested the words of their Hokage. After a couple seconds they decided they'd seen/heard stranger things, especially when Naruto was involved, and decided he was telling the truth and to roll with it.
Sakura slouched down in her seat with a pout and whined petulantly, "I want to defy the laws of reality too." Naruto just smirked at her in smug satisfaction. Not everyone could be as awesome as him. Hinata looked at him threateningly and raised a spoon she had somehow materialized out of thin air, glaring at the spot between his legs. And Hinata, he added mentally. Not everyone can be as awesome as me and Hinata. Her glare lifted and she smiled angelically at him, while he shivered in fear. She could read minds, he swore it.
And yeah, so he was scared of his wife, he would be stupid not to be. If men are smart they fear the fairer sex, especially after marriage, as they now own you and don't have to be nice anymore.
(Thirty years in the past Namikaze Minato twitched from where he was sitting, held at swordpoint by his wife, who was trying to encourage(read: threaten) him into redrawing the seal faster. Across the room, Nara Shikaku actually woke up, a feeling of foreboding filling his body. He realizes he forgot to tell Yoshino he wouldn't be home for dinner, and started praying for his soul.
In contrast, Kushina and Yoshino started to preen for no apparent reason whatsoever, feeling somehow accomplished.)
"Stop whining, forehead," Ino grunted through a mouthful of potato chips she filched from Choji. Alcohol gives her the munchies. "I mean what are the chances that it would happen again to anyone other than Naruto. He's the one that all the interesting shit happens to."
"Yeah." Kiba grumbles miserably. "It's so unfair. I wanna have dangerous adventures too!"
"Not all of them are dangerous," Naruto protests. They all turn disbelieving eyes on him.
"Then what do you call that time in Wave when we were genin?" Sakura asks.
"Bad luck. Besides you were there too, so it wasn't just me." Wisely, nobody brings up the teme.
"And that time when your actress turned out to be a princess?" Shikamaru drawls, shockingly contributing to the conversation.
"Again, Sakura was there too. And I think baa-chan knew, but wanted to get me out of her hair for a few weeks." They all conceded to that point, it was very possible.
"That mission in Kusa, with the geisha and the bear cub that thought you were it's mommy?" Ino.
"Animals are weird, and how the hell was I supposed to realize that the geisha was both male and an assassin?"
"Taki. Where you believed the kid that was telling you there were trolls under the bridge, and it turned out there were." Neji.
"Those shinobi were assholes with a fetish for scaring children….and bridges apparently."
"That time that you took ramen from a toothless old man in Oni and ended up-" Tenten was cut off by a kunai impaling itself into the table centimetres from her hand.
"Why does everybody want to bring this up today!?" Naruto screamed to the heavens, imploring to the great and powerful Ramen-sama to answer him. Ignoring the weird looks he was getting from the other patrons of the bar. They should be used to random yelling. They lives in a village with Maito Gai and his clone Rock Lee. Shudder.
"Because it's-" Shikamaru ended mid-sentence as he and the other two components of the Ino-Shika-Cho trio poofed away in a cloud of ninja smoke.
"...awww." Sakura pouted. "Not me."