Anywhere(2)

"Hi, Clary. How was your summer?" Ms. Inkster asks.

"Good," I reply, sitting down at the table.

"Anything fun?"

"Well, I went to this waterpark for my birthday."

"Cool. So how did that... Friend thing work out?"

"Improving," I smile.

"That's good. Told you it'll be fine. Now, Clary. Since it's been quite long with our meeting, can I ask you something more... Serious?"

I gulp, but do nod.

"Can you tell me what really happened on that day?"

I bite my lip, wondering what to tell her.

"You can tell me anything, Clary."

"I thought I was being chased," I answer, taking a deep breath.

"By whom? Do you feel unsafe or threatened in the school property?"

"No, no. It's not that. I just... Thought I saw something."

"Saw what?"

"I don't remember it."

"Clary, you jumped off a railing. Now, I promise you that whatever you say in here stays in this very room."

"I thought," I sigh. "I thought someone was chasing me. But I was just being paranoid. He was just a normal student."

"May I ask who the student was?"

"I don't know him."

"Clary, have you ever experienced a loved one's death?" She asks carefully.

I swollow hard, debating whether to tell her the truth or the lie.

"I can help you go through it."

"Yes..." I say quietly.

"Is it okay if we talk about it?"

I turn my face away from her. Do I want to? Am I ready to talk about this to someone else. Maybe I'm falling behind. Maybe I am not letting him go just like Sebastian said. After all, it's been more than one and a half year. But it's too hard. Maybe I'm too broken to move on. To broken to be fixed.

"No, I really don't want to talk about it," I whisper, trying to hold my tears back.

"Okay, then. I won't pressure you into doing something you don't want."

"Ms. Inkster, I ask you something?"

"What is it?"

Taking a deep breath, I decide to talk about him.

"Well I just watched this movie a while ago, and it never leaves my mind. There's this girl who's in danger of being killed by this guy, but the thing is, the guy has multi personality disorder. Eventually, the girl falls in love with the guy's other side. It's kind of like Stockholm Syndrome, really. What do you think about it?"

"Hmm... Interesting movie," she says, frowning a little. "I don't know, what does the girl feel about the guy's killer side?"

"She hates that side. She's scared of his unpredictability, and anxious he'd hurt her."

"Does the guy love her back?"

"He always tell her how he loves her so much, and how they belong to each other, but the girl wonders if he can actually love."

"Doesn't he feel other emotions?"

"I think he does, but what kind of person treats a loved one like that?"

"I think he just doesn't know how to love."

"But isn't love more of on instinct?"

"Yes, but the way you express it can be hard for some people."

I think about the way he sent Drevak. How he told me that he did it to prove his love for me.

"So you think he can love?"

"If he feels other emotions, then yes. After all, I believe every emotions origin from love."

During lunch, I try my best to avoid Trey. To avoid an awkward situation. But somehow, I keep finding myself looking for his familiar face.

I locate him talking to a pretty brunette with Derek. I feel a pang of jealousy. Not in that way, but the fact that Derek and she can talk and laugh with him, but I can't. Derek catches me staring, and stand up, saying something to Trey.

He walks toward me, and all along, I feel Trey's gaze on me.

"Hey, you okay?"

"What do you think, Derek?"

"Right," he says, sitting beside me. "Did you find out anything more about the note?"

"No. I asked Sebastian about the winter solstice, and he got so mad. Do you think something will happen?"

"I don't know, but I think we need to focus on the fire first."

"There's someone else too involved. Lucas Ashtail. Sebastian talked about Lucas being the sacrifice to him. He told him that he needs trust."

"What sacrifice?"

"I don't know."

"Well, I know for sure that winter solstice is when the night is he longest."

"I bet everyone knows that, Derek," I sigh.

"No, but it's also when the demonic energy is the most powerful. Here must be some kind of ceremony Sebastian is planning for, and I bet Lucas is going to be the sacrifice."

"So what about the fire?"

"I'm pretty sure it's talking about the heavenly fire."

"Do you have some? I mean, you were an angel before."

"Was. I don't have it. Never had it."

"Well, there must be a reason my mom chose you. Also, can you please tell me where my mom was? How did she get hurt?"

He sighs, leaning back.

"I shouldn't tell you this."

"You need to."

"Okay, fine. She was in Edom."

"Edom? You mean, like hell?"

"Yes, she was looking for something."

"For what?"

"That, I don't know. But she sure looked desperate."

"But she's not a shadowhunter anymore."

"And so aren't you. But you're still trying to figure out the note, aren't you? It's all in your veins. You can't prentend to be someone you're not."

I bite my lips.

"Okay, maybe you're right. But we really don't have much time left, and we need to figure out about the fire."

Derek looks over my shoulder, staring at Trey. He is technically glaring at him, clenching his jaw.

"I don't think us, spending time together in school is going to make you and Trey better. I should be going."

I nod, understanding him. He stands up, heading back to Trey's table.

I brush my mom's hair back gently.

"Is she getting any better?" I ask Simon, not even bothering to look at him.

"I think so. Magnus said she'll live for sure."

I nod, relieved.

"Hey," he says, grabbing my hand. "She'll be fine. She looks better than the last time, doesn't she?"

I smile, looking up at him.

"You're still here. You're still Simon."

"Of course I'm still me."

"When you didn't call me, I was just so scared that you've changed. But you're still my bestfriend."

"And even if I change, I will always, always love you."

"Okay, doesn't your girlfriend get to join the small session of confessing loves?" Izzy interrupts, walking toward us.

"A little jealous, are we?" I ask, smiling.

"Nah, on the second thought, you're too small to be envied."

I laugh, standing on my tiptoes.

"Not just yet, shortie," she smiles that beautiful smile.

It's not too bad altogether. It's a shot of life.

I run across the field, letting out a laughter as he chases me. He tackles me on the ground, the texture of the grass brushing against my skin.

I pant loudly, trying to catch my breath as he hovers over me.

"You can't outrun me, Clary," he says, smiling widely.

"Well, I learn fast," I retort, staring into his green eyes.

"Too fast," he whispers, brushing a loose strand of my hair back.

"Huh?"

"Never mind," he says, smiling again.

"Can you get off me?"

"Why?"

"I need to catch my breath."

"But you don't need to," he smirks playfully.

I glare at him, but he leans into me. I gasp as his lips meet mine, moving slowly and sweetly...

I rub my eyes, sitting up. Letting out an exasperated breath, I cover my burning face with my hands. I hold back my tears, gripping the bedsheet. The hollow feeling in my stomach when the dream is over.

I close my eyes, trying to fall asleep again. I don't. Everytime I close my eyes, I can see Sebastian. No, Jonathan with green eyes. Groaning, I get up. I wish Jace would be here for me. To comfort me to sleep. The empty bed feels so cold and bare.

I slowly get out of the bed, walking across the room. I open the door of Sebastian's room quietly. He sits up abruptly even though I didn't make much noise.

"Clary?" He asks hoarsely.

His hair is tousled, his eyes a little misty. I think I like this Sebastian way better. The loose Sebastian with his guards down.

"I couldn't... I just couldn't sleep," I whisper.

"So you decided to sleep with me?" He smirks a little.

I narrow my eyes, slowly backing up a bit.

"No, come here," he says quietly.

I don't move an inch, remaining stiff. The truth is, I don't even know what I'm doing here. Just a little more than six months ago, I was scared of even sleeping in the same house as him. Now, I'm trying to find comfort with him.

"Come here, please."

I slowly walk toward him, climbing onto his bed. My heart is pounding so hard, I can't hear anything except for its beats.

Gently, he puts his arms around me. Not knowing what to do with my hands, I just rest them on the mattress, but I'm sinking into his embrace. His rhythmical breath tickles my face, but I don't mind.

Just like in my dreams, I think to myself. I am so happy that one of my dreams is coming true. I feel so safe, although in the morning, I would regret this. But does it matter? After all, my life is just made out of tiny little moments.

When I wake up, the first thing I register is white. White ceiling. Sebastian has his arm over my stomach, his face nuzzled against my collarbone. For the first time, my heart aches for him. The boy probably never got an affectionate embrace for someone. But I don't have time for this. I don't have time to pity him. After all, pity doesn't do anything.

However, I do wish he can stay like this forever. Sweet and gentle. Vulnerable. I wish he'd start whatever he's planning for the winter solstice.

When you just see him like this, you only see a boy who's hurt. Damaged, and needing affection.

He stirs a little when I remove his arm from my stomach. He open his eyes, looking up at me.

I can't help it anymore. I know I'll regret it as soon as the spell breaks. But I don't care. I grab the back of his neck fiercely, bringing his lips down on mine hard. Surprised, he tenses up for a moment, but soon kisses me back hungrily, closing his eyes. He rests his elbow on the bed, shifting his weight so he won't crush me. Our lips move against each other in a synch, perfectly as if we've practiced for this forever.

I realize that my hands are finding their way to his soft hair. Our legs are tangled with each other, wanting more and more contacts. He then, pulls his lips away from me, compensating by moving them down my throat. His mouth moves against my pulse, and I trace his jawline lightly with my fingers, moaning softly.

"Sebastian," I whisper, but he keeps quiet.

This is another new side of him. The confident, rigid, and sharp boy, now passionate and silent. I think I like it.

His lips slowly travel upward, kissing along my jawline and finally my mouth again. He flushes himself against me fully, allowing me to feel every inch of his body. I claw at the material of his shirt, slowly moving my fingers to the hem of his shirt. I carefully lift it up, but before I can finish, he pulls away and takes the clothing off.

Not even bothering to marvel at his beauty, I pull him back against me, kissing him more fiercely. I lead myself to believe that he's changed. I lead myself to believe that maybe he can love. Just like Ms. Inkster told me. Love. That's what I'm feeling, isn't it?

But, then, Sebastian pulls away from me.

"Clary," he whispers.

I reluctantly open my eyes to stare into his black eyes.

"Who are you kissing?" He asks.

I blink a few times, dazed.

"What?"

"Who are you thinking of me as?"

I knit my eyebrows together, unsure of what to say. To my surprise, I see pain in his eyes when I refuse to answer.

Inhaling sharply, he gets off me, and start walking out of the room.

"Wait, Sebastian."

He turns around to look at me.

I do believe you now. I do know that you are one person, and yourself only. But I still love you.

But the words never leave my throat. With a disappointed look, Sebastian continues to walk away from me.

Maybe I'm just still scared of him. Or maybe... Maybe I'm just scared of betrayal.

Only a few chapters to go now... I just want Clary to admit her love toward him so bad! Ugh. I guess it's inevitable for her to be scared, since she faced so many losses. Anyways, hope you liked this chapter and thanks for reviewing.