FEELINGS OF MIXED CONFUSION

Its strange I feel slightly better than I did some time ago I can't really describe the feeling, the closest I can come to describing it is that I feel lighter inside. I don't feel the pain so much but I won't lie I still feel the guilt but something isn't there that was before. It maybe many months before I put my finger on it I just know its there. These past few hours have felt like a rush of emotion to me and I know it's going to take me a long time to come down from this high. My life has changed so much that I hardly remember what my old one used to be like. Truth is I try not to remember most things, I try to block out my time with Adrienne because it's so difficult for me to stomach and it brings tears to my eyes because of the brutality and pain she caused me. Looking back now I know I wasn't strong enough to stop it and I was afraid but I'm not afraid anymore. If she ever wakes up I'll find out the rest of what I need to know then I'll tear both her ears to ribbons and when the day comes that she goes to trail I'll make sure that the awaiting her death is not pleasant. Her life will never be the same, or at least what left of it when she wakes up, she'll be weak and feeble and never as strong as she once was, she'll be at the mercy of others and for her that will be terrifying.

I shouldn't dwell on these thoughts as it angers me so much and I'm trying so hard now to look forward. Even though I'm afraid that I won't live up Xena's expectations as a partner or that I'll let her down in some way. I don't want to screw this up and I won't lie I have no idea where to start, I just hope that if Damokles is watching me from the Elysian Fields that he accepts my choice and that he sees that this is right for me. I have an idea of what Xena likes to do for fun but I have never shared that kind of fun with anyone before, I don't know much about plays or theatre maybe I'll come of as boring because of this. Personally I really enjoy chariot racing and Pygmachia which is a form of bare fist fighting as I prefer games where the rules about not hitting an opponent while he or she is down are taken seriously. As far as I'm concerned pit fighting has no honour where as Pygmachia is all about honour and following the rules. I am no fist fighter myself but in werewolf tradition to show power and strength in your fists while in human form is considered a noble quality.

Gabrielle looked up as the study came in to view remembering why it was that she'd come here, which was to test a myth. The Ethereal Ark Of Fire scroll had been on her mind recently as it was said that it couldn't be burnt by fire and she wanted to know if this was the real one scroll. She had once been told that the scroll on the Imperial Councils wall was a fake and she want to confirm this. If this was the real scroll she could bring it to the attention of those who were loyal to her, nothing would anger the Imperial Council more than being shown up as liars and frauds. If the myth was true the scroll could be set alight but it wouldn't burn and none of its text would vanish. She slowly opened the door watching as Phrixus and Chara looked up from their work desks. Chara gave her a smile as she signed another document. "Hello Gabrielle I heard you were back in the palace." She paused choosing her next words carefully. "Did you enjoy your walk in Corinth?" Gabrielle felt a slight smile form. "Yes it was very enlightening." Phrixus felt a wide smile form as he looked up from the werewolf scroll, gods he was so enjoyed their sessions he was learning so much about werewolf history and culture from Gabrielle. Every day there was something new and fascinating, she'd teach him new words and phrases and clarify what certain terms meant. "I'm so glad that your back Gabrielle what are we going to learn today?" Gabrielle turned taking the candle of Chara's desk. "We are going to learn if a myth is true."

She put her new pipe in to her mouth lighting it, the truth was if what she was about to do was wrong it would cost this man some of his life work but she had to know for sure. The words of a Jacinda thewhite werewolf of dreams were running through her mind and she could no longer ignore them. "The scroll above those bastards is a fake they switched it with the true one which they've now lost but I was there before it was switched I saw you on it and it's for that reason they switched it." She eyed the candle in her hand as she raised the scrolls edge. "I need to confirm something that's been on my mind for a long while." Phrixus blinked in confusion watching as she moved the candle closer to the scrolls edge. "Wait, what are you doing!?" Gabrielle eyed him for a long moment ignoring Chara's surprise. "You have to truth me Phrixus." Phrixus put his hands together watching in horror as she set the scroll alight. He breathed in why in Tartarus would she do this? She was destroying the only piece of werewolf history he had. He moved forward in panic grabbing a jug of water as the whole scroll began to burn its flames whipping and lashing as they rose higher.

Gabrielle watched as it carried on burning she could see now that it wasn't burning away, she breathed in her pipe seeing that every word was alight with flames as were the images but the scroll wasn't burning away, which meant the myth was true. She raised her hand putting it on the jug stopping him from throwing it as she turned to him seeing the confusion in his eyes. "Look at the scroll Phrixus, it's not burning." Phrixus turned eyeing the scroll feeling the utter confusion hit home. He could see now that the letters and images were covered by flames but scroll was not burning. In fact it wasn't even burning the long table under it he put the jug down as he spoke unable to hide the surprise in his voice. "What in the name of the gods, it's not burning?" He moved his hand towards the flames only to feel Gabrielle's hand grab it stopping it inches from the flames. Gabrielle gently let go of his hand as she eyed the still burning scroll. "I've never told you what this scroll is called they call it The Ethereal Ark Of Fire." She moved her hand towards the flames. "They say that the Emerald Horn had those loyal to him create a scroll of his exploits and life. It was written in godly ink and could not be burnt away it could even length itself before the passing of each Horn Hind."

She eyed her ring on her finger moving her fingers in to the flames. "They say a Horn Hind ringed hand's can not be burnt by its flames." She put her hands in to the flames feeling no pain as she raised the still burning scroll whose flames started to fade away turning in to nothing more than smoke as the scroll went back to normal. Its images were completely unchanged and its writing still looked perfect and untouched. She carefully placed scroll down it was now cold to the touch. "Clearly that part of the myth is true." She put the candle back on Chara's desk as she turned to Phrixus. "I'm sorry for scaring you both and taking the risk I just had to know that this was the real scroll and not another fake that the Imperial Council had created." Phrixus looked up as he ran his hand over the scroll which was now cold to the touch. "What does this mean?" Gabrielle opened her hand running it across her own image on the scroll as she adjusted her shirt. "It means I now have a chance to really annoy the Imperial Council in a way they won't like" Chara moved away from her desk putting down her quill as she touched the scroll which was cold to the touch despite being on fire only a few minutes ago. "In what way will this anger them?"

Gabrielle ran her fingers over the scroll as she breathed out the smoke from the new pipe which had been given to her as a gift by Chara and her partner. "In the Grand City behind their thrones is a scroll like this one but it's a fake, if I set it alight unlike this scroll it will burn away in to nothing." Phrixus put his hands behind his back as understanding dawned on him he looked up speaking in a sad tone. "To burn it I assume would burn their power as leaders, the fake scroll itself is their power and influence and that power can be diminished with the fake scroll destruction." Gabrielle turned slowly to him. "You sound like you speak from experience." Phrixus breathed in sadly. "Many years ago when I used to crave battle my people fought Crete at the start of our uprising but we did more than just kill it's people, we destroyed their history and everything they held dear. I watched as their libraries and temples burnt and the warriors around me laughed and I questioned what it was to be Spartan. Because to me there is no wonder in destroying people's souls and that soul to me is in the people's scrolls which tell their life stories, their histories as well as show what they believe in." He paused. "I lost faith in my people after that and I'm now considered a traitor because I refused to pick up my sword and fight the Empress during the later part of the uprising."

Gabrielle raised both eyebrows. "So your like me, you've had to leave your people?" Phrixus looked down sadly. "They say Spartans should be men, that they should never show weakness." He felt his hand grip the table. "But I cry inside every night when I hear my wife and my five year old son screaming as they were killed in cold blood by the other Spartan warriors in our villa because I refused to fight the Empress. I can still see the flames rising from my home as they stripped me of my armour and tour of my cloak then threw me in to the dirt and cursed me to live forever." He looked up feeling the pain wrench at his heart though he tried not to show it. "I joined the Empress and fought against them and claimed my revenge, I killed the men who killed my family. I smashed their skulls open with my Aspis shield and yet I wasn't satisfied I didn't feel like a warrior anymore which is why I now better myself with study. I am not Spartan anymore but I am still a man of honour with purpose and I'm glad that the Empress liberated Crete from our rule what we did there was wrong." Gabrielle eased up her hand putting in gently on his shoulder. "I'm sorry you lost your family Phrixus, you didn't deserve that."

Phrixus looked up slightly. "So am I, I miss them everyday." He paused meeting her gaze. "I'm sorry for the lover you lost." Gabrielle could see the sadness in his eyes, despite that he was trying to hide his pain. "Thank you Phrixus I like to think that he's happy now and in the Elysian Fields." She felt her eyes dart as she spoke. "They say that the dead can hear the thoughts of living I hope that were ever your family are they can hear you." Phrixus felt a genuine smile form. "Maybe once I've lived forever I will see them again." He stood up slightly. "But not yet." Gabrielle felt her smile widen. "No not yet." She looked up as he gave her a knowing smile before turning back to the scroll. She moved her hand in to her shirt pocket as she breathed out the smoke from her pipe before turning to Chara who had been listening quietly. She eased out a number of small scrolls putting them in her hand. "Could you please send these out?" Chara looked at the small scrolls. "What are they?" Gabrielle eyed the tiny scrolls. "I wanted to say thank you to everyone for their gifts, when I was ill." She watched as the other woman blinked in surprise as she breathing in her pipe. "Your gifts meant more to me than you'll ever know."

8

I'm going to tell Demetrius how I feel gods be damned I know I can do this and Gabrielle is right I am good enough for him. So I should tell him about how I feel about him. I have done my duties and it will be a while before I have to go to Gabrielle's room so I don't need to worry about doing anything else. I have no doubt in my mind that she'll be spending time with the Empress and I know that Ceto will do anything that needs to be done. Gods I'm so scared but I have to do this I have to know, I found his helmet it was still in Chara's study and now I'm taking it back to him. I think it's a good an excuse as any to meet with him he's currently in the warrior barracks at least that's what I have been told. I've gone past to the barracks in the gardens so many times but this is the first time I have ever been in them and I confess I'm a little nervous. I'm not used to seeing the men and women sharpening their weapons, drinking and gambling, I know they are nice people but it feels like a very different world to me and its not one I'm not used to.

Thaleia knocked on the double doors which led in to the barracks watching as they were opened by a large burly man who was in his late thirties and blind in one eye, he looked down at her giving her a smile showing of his bronze teeth. She swallowed she didn't recognise his face at all she looked down slowly raised the helmet. "I came to return this to Demetrius." The older man eyed the helmet then looked up meeting her gaze. "Cleaning staff are not allowed in here. I'm new here but I have been told that, that is the rules, no exceptions." Thaleia eyed him suddenly regaining her nerve this man was a fool he clearly didn't understand the significance of her robes. "I'm not cleaning staff, I'm a personal maid." The older man looked at her with his good eye. "What's the difference a maid is still a maid?" Thaleia eyed him for a long moment before speaking. "I answer to the consort of the Empress who is a royal in her own right, I'm allowed in every room in the palace by right, so unless you want to answer to her you'll let me in."

The big man pulled back sharply. "What if I don't?" Thaleia felt her gaze narrow. "Do you really want to find out?" The blind eyed man blinked in surprise he breathed sharply as he moved away from the door. She walked past him even if he was new he needed to learn some manners she slowly to turned to face him. "Where is Demetrius?" The older man scowled as he eyed her, he clearly didn't like it when someone pointed out that their station was higher than his. "I'll take you to him." She followed him walking through the long hall past the rooms inside the rooms she could see warriors playing cards and drinking, Iona's men were among them though she wasn't present. The blind man came to a stop in front of the double doors at the end of the corridor he knocked on it not bothering to hide his cold tone. "You have a guest Demetrius." He pulled back as the doors were opened and Demetrius appeared he turned catching sight of her a smile forming on his lips. "Hello Thaleia, please come in."

The older man looked up the shock appearing in his good eye. "So she's allowed in here?" Demetrius pulled the doors back watching as Thaleia walked past him. "Yes she's allowed to go where ever she wants, never forget that Milo." He closed the doors behind him not bothering to look back, he clearly had to lot more to teach Milo but tonight he had no time to do so he knew that in the hoplite training area in Corinth the servants cleaned up after warriors but in palace the rules were very different. Some of the staff here had more power than any of the hoplites and Thaleia was one of them along with Ceto. They were the highest ranking staff in the palace, any thing they needed or wanted was given to them with out question and anyone who disobeyed had to answer to the Empress or Gabrielle. Frankly he'd rather answer to the Empress he'd seen Gabrielle when she was angry many times. He was sure that any warrior who thought themselves big or clever would soon have their ego deflated in her presence. He looked up as broke out of his thoughts ignoring the fact that he was feeling tired, he should have gone to bed a long time ago. He'd had, had a bath some time ago and changed his clothes but sleep had not come and he'd found himself in the barracks thinking about things.

He turned back to Thaleia. "Sorry about him, I'll ensure that no one bothers you about coming in here ever again." Thaleia turned looking at the map on the large table and weapons which were all around her hanging from the racks. "I thought that you were going to bed?" Demetrius felt a smile form. "I couldn't sleep so I came down here to think about my parent's vineyard in Athens, it helps relax and wind down when I can't sleep. It's the only thing I Can do since I can't talk with Iona as she has gone to bed and Leuis has taken her place while she gets her rest." Thaleia turned to him remembering why she had come here in the first place she raised the helmet in her hand. "You left this in Chara's study I though I would bring it back to you." Demetrius carefully took his helmet from her hands looking at it. "Thank you I had forgotten about this." He put it down on the table. "I have never cared for wearing this thing that much, can't hear a damn thing when I have it on." He paused as he turned back to her. "How's about we take a walk?" He moved over to the hanging drape near by pulling it back revealing a small wooden door. "This is a secret door Iona had it built in it means we can leave with out having to walk through the passage, some nights it can get very noisy in those rooms."

Thaleia looked at the single door. "I had no idea we had secret doors." Demetrius opened the door walking outside watching as she followed closed behind him. "Before we left the villa in Corinth the Empress told me that I have to show you them all, they are to be kept a secret from the other staff as they are only opened in times of crisis when the palace is under attack and people need to get out." Thaleia breathed in deeply. "Why am I being told about this now?" Demetrius looked down slightly. "You have proven nothing but loyalty in your duties and to Gabrielle so it's only fair that you know everything that Ceto knows." Thaleia looked up slightly feeling her mind drift else where, this was not really why she was here. "That's very flattering." Demetrius raised an eyebrow as he looked at her. "You don't sound happy." Thaleia looked up meeting his uncertain gaze. "No it's not that, I just wanted to ask you something personal."

Demetrius felt a smile form. "Go ahead." Thaleia raised her hand to speak only to stop the words were not forth coming no matter how hard she tried to make them leave her lips. She breathed in deeply feeling a sense of defeat take over why couldn't she just say what she felt why was she so afraid? She looked up feeling his hand as he placed it on her shoulder, the next moments turned to a rush as she leaned up meeting his lips kissing them very softly and gently feeling him start to respond very slowly. Demetrius breathed in he knew what this kiss meant he could feel it with every touch of her lips as they kissed his and he sunk deeper in to the warm sensation wanting nothing more than to give in to it. He felt the moment suddenly shatter as he gained control over his senses, he couldn't do this to her. She was so young and innocent and such a good person and she didn't deserve to be his conquest. Also she was at that age when some women thought they needed to loose their virginity and he knew that she had never had a serious relationship or even sex and he would not take advantage of her in that way, despite how he felt about her.

Thaleia felt the kiss end as he forced her away shattering the moment in an instant she looked up seeing the shock in his eyes as he spoke. "What are you doing?" Thaleia eyed him for a long moment feeling the pain rise in her chest. "What does it look like I'm doing, I'm kissing you!" Demetrius raised his hand he hated to do this to her but it was for her own good. "No you came to me tonight because you want to be a woman but you shouldn't give yourself to me because you think it will be easy." Thaleia felt her eyes dart. "Giving myself to you…what do you think I came here to offer myself to you, for sex, do you really believe that?!" Demetrius breathed in painfully. "Yes because your young, you have not been outside the palace walls that much. You have never had a sexual partner and I know that you're growing up and that you want to be a woman." Thaleia felt her anger turn to pain, gods this was so not how she had wanted this to go. "I am not a child, I'm an adult who can choose and I didn't come to you tonight because I cared for loosing my virginity with you."

She turned away from him trying to contain her pain. "But that's fine you've made your intentions clear, I guess I'll always be the lowly servant in your eyes regardless of the colours I wear." Demetrius blinked in shock suddenly nothing made sense anymore he had clearly got this very wrong. "I don't see you as a lowly servant, I never have." Thaleia looked at him out of the corner of her eye trying to hold back her tears. "I came here tonight because I had something I wanted to say, it was something important but as you see my actions as a sexual advance and nothing more, I won't bother you with my feelings." She wiped away her tears as she started to walk away from him. Demetrius stepped forward. "Look just stop let me explain myself." Thaleia didn't look back as she carried on walking she knew it would hurt too much if she did. "Good night Demetrius!" Demetrius watched painfully as she vanished from sight. Gods this had all gone horribly wrong he had completely misinterpreted this whole event he breathed in putting a hand on his face feeling the frustration hit home.

"Demetrius?"

Demetrius turned watching as Leuis came in to view he had been hiding in the shadows close by, he felt a sneer form. "How long have you been standing there?" Leuis breathed in deeply he could tell that the other man was furious. "Sadly long enough to see you make an idiot of yourself." Demetrius moved towards him not bothering to hide his disgust. "Be quite, you know nothing about what just happened!" Leuis shook his head speaking in a calm tone. "Unlike Iona who knows nothing about love, I do I joined this army to get revenge on the warlord Glaphyra after she skinned my family alive so I remember what it's like to love and be loved." He paused. "You're a clever man Demetrius but you lack conviction when it comes to those you love, you always have." Demetrius moved a step closer to him. "I have never lacked conviction!" Leuis stepped away from him casually. "Then why are you now standing alone in the garden while a woman who clearly loves you has just walked away?"

Demetrius raised his hand. "She doesn't love me she's innocent, kind and naïve, she doesn't know any better!" Leuis shook his head sadly. "She's Gabrielle's personal maid do you seriously think she's that naïve? She's around a woman who is a battle harden warrior every day, she's has had to learn how to deal with her raging temper and her off days and she's heard her most of her life story, which is been both tragic and depressing. If anything she's grown up in her presence and matured as a person. We've both seen Gabrielle loose her temper, things get thrown around it takes a very strong person to deal with this kind of thing and only her and the Empress can seem to deal with it. I think you should take a good long look at the woman you think as naïve again Demetrius." He moved away from the leader of the royal guard who was now looking at the floor as his words slowly sunk in. "As I said before you lack conviction."

End of part 89

Pygmachia was a form of Greek bare fist boxing it was very brutal game in which the victor only won if his opponent died. The rules were very strict and it was considering an honourable sport.

Hoplite helmets could be so tight fitted against the head that it made hearing anything impossible, hence why signals were developed during battles as shouting orders at warriors would fall of deaf ears, so to speak.

Please say if this scene between Demetrius's and Thaleia works or if it needs more fleshing out, as I've never been sure about it and would like to hear your thoughts.