And I Will Swallow My Pride

"Your mom better?" He asks, slouching against the kitchen counter.

I shrug my jacket off, nodding.

"Is something wrong?"

I look up at him, swallowing.

"I know what you were up to this whole time. I know that you're going to destroy the world on the winter solstice."

"What are you-"

"I know that you will be sitting on your precious throne on the Christmas. The day we've decorated for."

"Clary, whoever told you that-"

"Don't call me that. I'm Clarissa to you, aren't I?"

"Don't believe that lie."

"So you are telling me that it's wrong? You're telling me that nothing will happen on that day?"

"I've been planning for it, yes. That's why I came to you."

"You said you were looking for a shelter. Not that I believed it."

"I decided to stop. I decided to cancel the ceremony. I won't do it."

"Liar! Prove it."

"Can't you please trust me?"

"I did trust you! But now, I just can't believe-"

"But how was I supposed to tell you? You were finally starting to trust me, and should I ruin it by telling you that I was going to burn down the world?" He exclaims, unattatching himself from the counter.

"Well, too bad. You just ruined us."

"Clary-"

"Clarissa. I'm your sister, and I'm so over you."

"Give me one more chance."

"If you were the one who told me, not that demon, I would have. But how am I supposed to know that you're not lying this time?" I ask, this time more softly. "Were you really thinking of our parent when we were walking together yesterday? Or were you just thinking about the ways to kill me?"

"I would never kill you. I love you."

I shake my head, finally allowing the tears to fall down. Tears of betrayal, hurt, and anger.

"Please. I swear I wouldn't let you down again."

"I need to know what you were planning."

"Lucas and I," he inhales sharply. "We were trying to create a demon."

"Create a demon?"

"The most powerful one. It said in the prophet that the second it's born, the world will be crumbled down by the evil. The evil. Me and Lucas."

"And?"

"The demon was supposed to be beautiful, but as sinful as Lucifer. Do you get it?"

"Me. And you. The last Morgensterns," I whisper.

"And the fresh blood of a devoted and young Nephilim."

"Lucas."

"Yes. On the day when then the darkness is the strongest. Winter solstice."

I close my eyes, wondering if he was telling the truth when he said he won't do it.

"Do you believe me?"

"I think I need more time."

"I do love you, you know."

"I want some time to think."

He nods understandingly. Only, he doesn't. He doesn't understand how I feel right now.

Should I trust him? Should I believe the fact that nothing will happen in the dance party?

I grab my phone to text Derk, but stop. I want to be the only one knowing this for now. Not that I don't trust Derek, but I just need to think of it by myself right now.

But then again, he told me about the plan, didn't he? Doesn't that give him one more chance? I just don't know what to believe anymore.

"Clary? Hey! Earth to Clary," Izzy says.

I snap out of my own thoughts, concentrating on Izzy and the dress she's holding.

"What do you think?"

"Izzy."

"What?"

"That is so not me."

"It's a dance party, Clary."

"And I don't even know if I'm going or not!"

"Of course you're going."

But would you say the same thing after I tell you Sebastian is going to be there too?

"Can't I just choose my own dress?"

"But look at this! It's fabulous."

"On you. I'm just going to wear what I already have."

"You mean that old, weird dress? No way!"

"Yes way."

"Fine, be that way," she pouts childishly, crossing her long arms across her chest.

"I'm serious, Izzy. I love that dress. I'll even let you do my make up."

"You got me," Izzy smiles putting the dress back in its place.

She is just so easy to convince sometimes.

Then, I see him. Walking with the same brunette he talks to everyday. She's very pretty, but not the slutty pretty. The natural pretty with little makeup on. She stops in front of some dresses, picking out one of them and showing it to Trey. He nods approvingly, smiling. And the smile seems so genuine, it hurts.

Wait, I should be happy that he moved on. I shouldn't be so selfish.

"Who's that? Do you know him?" Izzy asks.

"Um, yeah. He used to be my... Friend."

"Used to be?"

"We kind of had a fight, and yeah."

"Go talk to him!"

"What?"

"Go talk to him and apologize for whatever you did."

"And why should I?"

"Because he was your friend. Still your friend."

"I don't know. He's really mad at me."

"Trust me, go talk to him. Who knows? Maybe he's waiting for you to say something first."

I consider this for a second. Could he be missing me too? So I slowly walk toward him. The brunette notices me first.

"Hello. Do I know you?" She asks.

Even her voice is sweet.

Trey's head snaps up, meeting my gaze.

"Um... I'm Trey's friend."

"Trey? Do you know her?"

"No," he says coldly, his gaze unmoving. "I have know idea who she is."

"But she knows your name, though," she points it out.

"Maybe she just overheard you. Come on, let's go," he says, dragging the girl away from me.

Suddenly, a shot of courage bursts through my veins.

"Wait, Trey!"

He stops walking, but doesn't turn around.

"I don't think we should be like this anymore. I miss you, and I really need a friend."

"I don't know who the hell you are, so can you stop talking to me?"

I feel my heart breaking into million pieces.

"Trey, please," I walk over to him. "Talk to me."

"Can you be any more selfish? So, what? You needed a boyfriend, so you used me. Now you need a friend, so you're talking to me. What about me? Don't I deserve a life? My life doesn't evolve around yours!" He exclaims, turning around to face me.

The girl looks a little startled.

"You're right. I'm so sorry. I don't deserve you as a friend. But I know that there will be better ways for us! And I know that this isn't what we want."

"This is what I want. So please fuck off, will you?"

"Trey, can we just talk to each other sometimes? I just can't stand watching you-"

"Are you really that stupid, Clary? Can't you even think? I love you! I fucking love you, but I can't! Stop only thinking about yourself, and put yourself in my shoes. Let me go. Let me write my own life."

I back off a little.

"You're right, Trey. I'm so sorry."

"Leave, Clary."

I nod.

"I'll leave now."

"And never come to me again."

"I won't," I say, swallowing my tears.

I am so tired of this now. I'm tired of humanity. The inevitability of hurting each other.

And I know that I caused all this. How can I be so selfish? Forget about Trey now. Leave him alone. Let him go. Stop hurting him.

I think about Sebastian. I think of what to do with him. Should I believe him? Or should I just stop being so stupid like before?

So much hatred. So many scars and lies. Maybe I'll try with what I can. Maybe I'll love as much as I can. And I don't care if he hurts me again. It goes round and round. I hurt Trey, and Sebastian hurts me. It's the circle of humanity. It's inevitable. We can't change it. So why not be happy, trying to escape the circle?

SEBASTIAN'S POV

I know I should have told her. I know it. And Lucas ruined it all. I was happy with Clary. She seemed to trust me, and maybe... Sometimes I just wonder if she actually feel affection toward me. Or maybe it's just my shadow. The shadow of the dead boy.

It hurts. It's like a girl is kissing me just because I remind her of someone she loves. But I do love her. I just don't know how to prove it. Or maybe I should stop trying to prove it.

I wish she would give me one more chance. One more chance to make it alright. One more talk, one more hug, one more kiss. It hurts to watch her, knowing that she's scared of me. She doesn't need to be. I love her. I'm sure of that.

I look at her through the small gap made by the slightly opened door. She's lying down on her bed, staring at the ceiling absentmindedly. I wonder what she is thinking about. Probably about what to do. What to say to me.

Forgive me, Clary. Believe me when I say I love you.

I know this chapter was very short... I promise next chapter will be much longer than this. Hope you enjoyed.