Changes

September 1st, 1976:

Hogwarts Express

Lily boarded the huge huffing red steam engine, her trunk floating idly behind her, and her eyes darting hither and yon, searching for one particular face among the sea of seething students. But she did not see Severus anywhere. She turned about, having gone almost to the end of the first row of compartments, and usually Severus stayed within that range, away from the back of the train where the Marauders and their ilk liked to hang out, and started to go back up the row, when she banged into a broad chest.

"Hey, watch where you're going, babe," said James, though he didn't sound at all sorry when looked down and saw who had bumped into him. "How was your summer, Evans? Finally ditch the dungeon crawler?"

Lily scowled up at him, in no mood for his comments. "Mind your own business, Potter."

"Why are you so snippy, Evans? You bumped into me."

"Okay, I'm sorry. Now will you please move? I'm trying to find someone."

"Snivellus?" he inquired saucily, not moving an inch.

"Don't call him that horrid name!" she flared, one hand tightening on her wand. "And you better leave him alone this term, Potter, or else!"

Laughing, James held up a hand. "Easy, spitfire. I told you before, I'll leave the slimy snake be if you'll just go out with me, Evans. One date and old Snivelly's ancient history."

"Save it, Potter, for your fan club!" Lily growled. She made as if to push past him, but he caught her arm. "Let go!"

"Now, now, don't get in a snit. You're awful grouchy, must be that time again, huh?" he teased, for he loved it when Lily got riled. Her emerald eyes burned with a brilliant green fire that lit up her whole face.

"Listen, dung for brains, get your arrogant arm off me right now, or I'll hex you right off this train, got me?" Her wand was in her hand then and pointed right at James's face.

Recognizing he might have pushed her too far, and having no wish to end up being hexed by a girl, James relented and let her go. "Okay, Evans. Don't get your undies in a twist. If you're looking for Snivelly, he's in the back with little Blackie and Avery, Nott, and Mulciber, having some kind of snake party." He jerked his thumb back towards the opposite end of the train.

Lily was startled. Why had Sev gone there and not waited for her like always? He had ridden with her on the train since they were first years and they had been separated almost the whole summer. That's weird. He's been acting strange though, ever since he returned from the Black residence. She gave a brisk nod to James, then spun around and walked down the corridor, her auburn hair fanning out behind her like a reddish-gold cape.

She passed Sirius, Remus, and Peter on her way to the back compartment, and Sirius called, "Going slumming with the snakes again, Evans? Be careful, they bite!"

Peter laughed hysterically, as usual, but Lily merely lifted her head and ignored them.

She was in the part of the train that was Slytherin territory now, and got some puzzled looks and a few hostile ones from the Slytherins as she passed them by, but finally she came to the second to last compartment, where she saw Nott, Avery, Mulciber, Reg and Severus, all sitting in the same compartment, discussing something.

Lily just stared. Why was Severus keeping company with some of the worst bullies and bigots in their year? The ones who hated Muggleborns and had said often enough that they should be expelled from Hogwarts or worse? What are they talking about? Sev always told me that he was never interested in whatever they had to say, but he's listening quite intently to them now. She felt a frission of uneasiness crawl up her spine.

Then she recalled the dream she had and was determined to tell Severus about it, and so she knocked on the door of the compartment.

"I'll get it," Severus said, rising and going to the door, relieved for the interruption. Anymore of Nott's pureblood supremacy speech and he was going to lose his breakfast.

"Lily!"

"Sev! I couldn't find you at first and I was getting worried," Lily said, her eyes lighting up. "What are you doing all the way back here?"

Severus grinned at her, before he recalled his new duties and said, "I . . .uh . . .was just having a bit of a meeting, Lil. Look, I can't explain it now," he began awkwardly, wishing like hell he had never made that promise to Dumbledore. "But I'll talk to you later, okay?"

Lily bit her lip, not understanding why he was suddenly so . . .distant. "All right, Sev. I'll be in the third compartment from the engine, same as usual. I have something really important I need to talk to you about."

He sighed, for the last thing he wanted was to go back inside the stuffy compartment and cozy up to his Slytherin Death Eater members. But he had agreed to be Dumbledore's spy and so he had no choice. "Okay, I'll meet you there soon as we're done here." Then he cupped her face between his hands and kissed her, a sweet lingering kiss.

Lily relaxed into his arms and he wished he could just go on like this forever, but then he heard Nott's voice, calling, "Hey, Snape! Smooch the bitch on your own time."

"Shut up, you arsehole!" came Reg's rejoinder.

Severus drew away. "Just ignore them," he said, his face heating at the crudeness of his new "friends".

"I intend to," Lily sniffed, her head up and then she turned and strode back up the corridor with a grace that befitted a queen. Or a powerful enchantress. Severus watched her go and considered running after her, but he restrained himself. Duty before pleasure. He turned back into the compartment.

The auburn-haired witch made her way back to their original compartment, still trying to figure out what was up with her boyfriend. But when she arrived at her destination, she found Alice and Cindy and Mary waiting for her. "Where's Severus, Lil?" asked Alice. "Usually he's your shadow."

"He's, uh, talking with some of his Housemates. He'll be along eventually," she told them, trying to sound casual.

"Oh. Okay," Alice said. Then she smiled and whispered, "You know what? I think Frank might actually pop the question this year."

"No way!" Mary squealed.

"What happened over the holidays?" asked Cindy, her eyes alight with the thrill of a juicy piece of gossip. "Tell, Alice! Tell us every dirty little detail."

"Well, I started writing Frank right after I got back home . . ."

Lily listened with half an ear to her friend chatter on about how wonderful Frank had been to her over the summer, recalling how she had been so happy with Severus until his drunken bully of a father had ruined it all with his insane temper. He was still in jail and Lily prayed he would rot there. If not for him, Severus would have spent the rest of the summer working at the pharmacy and she could have seen him every day and gone out with him in the evenings. But instead he had to pack up and go stay with Reg and she wasn't sure, but she had a niggling feeling that something had happened while he was there, and it wasn't something good either.

Severus made a secret motion of his hand beside his nose to Regulus, indicating he wished to speak with the other boy privately. Regulus caught it and jerked his head towards the door. A moment later, Severus announced that he needed to use the bathroom and slipped out of the compartment.

Regulus waited for a few minutes, then said he too had to answer a call of nature, and left as well. Once he was outside, Severus dragged him into a storage compartment next door and shut it. "Reg, what do I do? She came looking for me, what do I tell her?"

"Who did?"

"Lily, you idiot! And she wants me to meet her back at our usual compartment. But how do I explain why I'm hanging around those scum?" Severus hissed agitatedly.

Reg looked pained. "I . . .don't know. Maybe you could . . .tell her they wanted answers for their summer assignments?"

Severus ran a hand through his hair. "That might work for today, but what about the rest of the time? She's not going to buy that excuse more than once."

"Hell, Sev. I wish I could help you, but I don't even know how I'm going to keep Sirius from strangling me once he finds out the company I'm keeping."

"Damn Dumbledore for making us keep this all so hush-hush!" Severus swore. "I want to tell her, Reg. I don't like keeping things from her. She's my best friend as well as my girlfriend."

Regulus flashed him a sympathetic look. "I wish I knew how to help you, Sev. Maybe you just shouldn't say anything at all."

Severus swore again then reluctantly agreed. "Okay. I'll try that."

"Come on, let's get back before they start growing suspicious." Regulus said. Then he made a face. " I just wish they weren't so bloody boring. All they talk about is Quidditch and ways to use dark curses."

"That's because that's all their little brains are capable of retaining, Reg." Severus grimaced. He was beginning to regret his decision to be Dumbledore's agent, even if the Headmaster had removed the compulsion on Regulus like he had promised.

It was going to be a long year.

Severus arrived at Lily's compartment with an hour left of the train ride. He found her sitting by herself paging through her new potions text, absently curling a strand of her fiery hair about her index finger. "Lily? Sorry, I meant to be here earlier," he began apologetically.

"What were you doing with those losers, Sev?" she demanded sharply.

"I . . .they asked me for help with their assignments," he said with a sigh. "I'm a prefect, I could hardly refuse them."

"They must have needed an awful lot of help then."

"Think about who you're talking about," Severus said, smirking.

Lily chuckled. "Right. Okay, I forgive you. I missed you, Sev."

"I know. I missed you too," he replied, then he walked over and kissed her, only this time the kiss was slow and gentle and he took his time.

Lily felt herself slowly begin to melt as the heat from that kiss transferred itself all through her body and set her on fire. Oh, how she had dreamed of this—his arms about her, holding her close, the way his lips caressed her, so soft and yet so very demanding. Her hands came up and twined in his silk black hair and then she was kissing him back with equal passion.

Severus gasped, his senses overloaded by the ferocity of Lily's kiss, and for one moment all he could do was feel—and what he felt was an overwhelming desire to find a deserted island and make love to Lily morning, noon, and night for the rest of eternity and to hell with his oath. He drowned in the sensations she aroused in him until he was sure he would combust. But then she broke off the kiss and he came back to the dreary world again.

"Lily, I . . ."

"Sev, I'm sorry. But I need to talk to you about something," she said regretfully.

"What?"

She pulled him down to sit beside her, and he curled his arm about her and she snuggled into his shoulder. "I . . .had a dream while you were at Reg's house."

"About me, I hope?" he teased, his mouth quirking in that signature half-grin she loved so well.

"Well . . .yes and no. You were in it."

"Oh?"

"And so was I."

"Hmmm . . .dare I ask more?"

"Severus!" she poked him playfully. "Get your mind out of the gutter, please! You and I were in it, but it wasn't what you're thinking."

"And what am I thinking?"

"Something very naughty, Mr. Snape."

He laughed. "Right again, little oracle."

"Stop it!" she giggled as his breath tickled her ear. "Sev, I'm serious. In my dream, we were all walking down a dark road together, you, me, and Reg . . ."

Severus listened, shocked as Lily told him of the prophetic dream she had had. No! She can't be involved. I can't put her in danger too! was his first thought. Bad enough Regulus was involved in this dangerous game, but he would be hexed into oblivion if he ever permitted his precious flower to spy also. Three together shall walk the paths of night . . . Be swift, be cunning, and be steadfast and you shall never be destroyed. Trust in yourselves and each other and the dark will not triumph.

"Lily, are you sure it was a true dream?" he forced himself to ask.

"What? Of course it was!" she objected, hurt. "Sev, you know that I would never tell you about a dream unless I was sure it actually meant something. And I know this was a vision. I could feel the strands of the future shifting even as I woke up."

He looked into her gorgeous emerald eyes, so filled with conviction, love, and hope, and he cursed himself to hell for what he was about to do next. Then he said, each word burning his tongue like acid, "Lily, you haven't had a true vision since we were eight and you told Tuney not to jump off the swings, because one of chains was weakened and then she did and it broke and she ended up nearly knocking her front teeth out. And what you just described . . . .I . . .don't think it could possibly be true."

He wanted to kick himself hard when he saw how much his casual disregard for her gift hurt her. She stiffened in his embrace and her eyes filled with angry tears.

"You don't? Well, who's the oracle here, Severus Snape, me or you? I think I ought to know if what I dream is true or not! Even Tuney believed me!"

"Lily, I'm sorry," he began, but she jerked away from him and hunched up in the corner of the seat closest to the window.

"I don't know what your problem is, Sev, but right now just leave me alone."

"All right," he said, feeling guilt and shame twist his guts into shreds. It wasn't fair! The last thing he wanted was to fight with Lily. But her prophecy scared him to pieces and all he could think of was how to keep her safe. Safe at school, not walking the dark path beside him. You were meant for sunlight, my love, not the darkness of the night. That's always been my domain. But oh God, I am sorry for hurting you. If only there were another way . . .He turned and gazed at the wall of the compartment, sick and bitterly angry at himself.

Lily stared out the window at the rolling green hills and tears trickled down her face. What had happened to the supportive concerned friend she had once knew? The old Severus would have never dismissed her dream so cavalierly. This new Severus was a stranger, it seemed, someone whom she did not know, and wasn't sure she wished to. She recalled Mary's comment earlier when she had told the other girl who Severus was with—Maybe he's showing his true colors at last, Lily, and becoming a Death Eater. She had denied that, of course, but now she feared that Mary might have been right. She closed her eyes and wished, for the first time ever, that she was back home.

The next two weeks were terrible for Severus, as he tried to placate Lily while at the same time maintaining his cover and cozying up to the Death Eater buffoons in his House. His one saving grace was Reg, who he could count on to cheer him up on occasion by brewing potions with him in their mini lab and playing a hand of cards. Reg was persona non grata with his older brother as well.

Sirius had been so furious at his brother that he ended up hexing poor Reg and sending him to the Hospital Wing with an elephant's trunk. It had taken Madam Pomfrey three days to reverse the spell. Severus had then gone to confront Sirius and ended up getting into a fight with the pompous Black scion, and both of them had earned themselves detention with Flitwick for dueling in the corridors. The Charms professor had made them clean the entire Trophy Room without magic, including buffing all the suits of armor and the floor with beeswax until they could see their faces in it. By the time they were finished, Severus felt as if he had been run over by a lorry, and he vowed to never get caught dueling in the castle again.

"I always knew you were no good, Snape," Sirius had growled while rubbing the floor with a soft cloth. "Now you've corrupted my little brother, you slimy bastard!"

"Ah, shut up, Black! You don't know what the hell you're talking about. It's not what it seems and someday you'll realize that." I just wish I knew when, because this is starting to ruin my relationship with Lily, Severus thought sadly as he scrubbed. I can't keep avoiding her forever, but how can I face her when she sees me with them every day? Each time she saw him with his "new" friends, he saw something die within her, and it was killing him that he couldn't tell her the truth—that it was all an act, a sham, that he was not becoming a Death Eater, only spying on them.

Utterly wretched, he put his back into the cleaning and scrubbed the floor with a vengeance, wishing he could scrub away the look on Lily's face—like an injured doe.

And he was the one who had put it there.

Lily was confused and hurt at the way Severus was avoiding her. He barely spoke to her during potions, except to ask her to pass ingredients or stir the cauldron. Gone were the spontaneous hugs and the sudden secret smiles shared inbetween classes. Now he looked away, and hurried to his next class without saying much of anything.

She had tried to talk to Reg about Severus's sudden change of heart, but Regulus had told her only, "Things aren't what they seem. Just trust him, Lily. Please."

There had been a note of desperation in his voice that Lily couldn't understand, and then before she could ask him anything further, he had dashed off to Quidditch practice, leaving her with an aching heart and a head full of questions with no answers.

"He told me that too," Cindy had snapped over lunch one afternoon. "But it's really getting to me, the way he won't explain why he's hanging around Club Death Eater all of a sudden."

"Sev too. I just don't get it, Cin. He was never like that before. What the hell happened?"

Cindy shrugged. "Who knows? They're boys, they make no sense sometimes. But if Reg keeps this up, I'm going to say goodbye, no matter how much I like him. I won't go out with a Death Eater wannabe."

Alice and Mary had clapped their hands. "That's the spirit, Cindy. No Death Eaters for us, right?"

"Right!" Cindy had yelled enthusiastically.

They all looked at Lily.

But Lily did not say anything, for she was too busy mourning the loss of her best friend. What did I do? Maybe I never should have mentioned that stupid dream. But I always shared my dreams with him before. I don't understand what happened to you, Severus. But I'm not giving up on you yet. I'll give you one last chance and then if you still insist on pushing me aside to hang out with your arsehole Slytherin friends . . .I'll let you go.

Even thinking about doing something so drastic made her sick to her stomach. She had shared more of herself, her soul, with Severus than she had with anyone else. He had always been there, laughing and teasing her and they had vowed to never let anything come between them. Until now, nothing ever had.

Squaring her shoulders, she started towards the library, where she knew Severus would be studying at this time of night, he was always reviewing and doing homework at this hour. She was determined to either get some answers or call it quits, because she couldn't bear this limbo any longer.

She entered the library, her shoes making no sound upon the carpeted floor. She headed straight back for the farthest bookshelf in the corner under the Lumos spelled light globe. There he was, his head bent, dark hair falling forward over his nose, eyes intent upon his parchment.

She halted, drinking in the sight of him, watching his long-fingered hands move with deft grace across the parchment, taking notes. Oh, Sev. I love you, you stupid fool. But will that be enough? Drawing a deep breath, she approached him and stood in front of the table he was working at.

As her shadow fell across his parchment, he glanced up. "Lily!"

"Hello, Sev. We need to talk."

"I'm busy," he said curtly, even as his heart thrilled at the sight of her.

She reached out and shut the book he was taking notes from. "I mean it, Severus. Either we talk—now—or that's it. It's over."

Severus looked at her and he felt as if his heart were cracking in two. He could not bear it if Lily left him, but how could he break his sworn oath?

Sorry this took so long to update, but I've been busy with work and writing three other fics besides this one. I hope you enjoy this next installment!

Thanks to all my faithful reviewers and I have one question for you-what should Severus do-tell Lily and break his oath or keep his oath and risk losing her?

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