Things Are Not What They Seem
"You're giving me an ultimatum?" he said, disbelief and hurt coloring his tone and flashing across his face.
"Yes, because I just can't take it anymore!" she cried, all of her pent up frustration and hurt and anger boiling out of her. She was terrified she would lose him to darkness and all of the rumors and whispers she had been hearing lately in Gryffindor Tower about that particular group of Slytherins had been preying upon her mind for days and driving her insane and she also was unsure if he still loved her, and it all exploded from her like a cauldron of Boil Cure with too many porcupine quills added to it.
"You never talk to me anymore, Severus! Whenever I see you between classes or after them, you're always with that bunch of losers who think people like me are dirt and worship the coming of You-Know-Who! Why are you hanging around them? I thought you detested people like that. But maybe . . .I was wrong. Maybe you detest . . .me," she said, and her voice shook on the last word as if she had a palsy.
Her words struck him like a solid right hook to the jaw and he flinched.
"No, I would never detest you, Lily! You don't understand—"
"Damn straight I don't. Lately all you do is look right through me, like I don't exist, and then go merrily on your way with Avery, Mulciber, and Nott. Having fun tormenting some M-Mudbloods are you? What the hell happened to you, Sev? Ever since you came back from Grimmauld Place, it's like you're a different person—one that I don't even know." There were tears in her eyes now, but she blinked them away fiercely.
"I know. I'm sorry—"
"Don't apologize. Tell me why."
He glanced away, his mind racing. Oh Merlin, how can I explain . . .? I promised Dumbledore, but if I don't tell her something, I risk losing her forever. I won't have it. Nothing is worth that.
He cleared his throat. "Look, I can't tell you everything, Lily. I wish like hell I could, but—"
"Why not?" she interrupted. "Is it because you don't trust me?"
"No, it's because I'm . . .under oath."
She gaped at him. "Under oath to whom?"
"Dumbledore. You have to trust me, Lily. Everything I do . . .is orders from him."
"WHAT?" she shrieked. "Dumbledore told you to associate with those arseholes and you agreed?"
"I had to. It's complicated, Lily, and I can't tell you why, but trust me, it was necessary."
"And was it also necessary to totally blow me off, Severus Snape?"
"Lily, please . . .I had to look like I belonged . . .and being friends with you doesn't fit . . .I never intended to hurt you . . .everything I said to you on the train was a lie . . .The kiss was the only real thing."
"I don't know if I believe you."
"I swear by my magic that it's true." He snapped. "Ask Dumbledore," he cried, knowing as soon as the words left his mouth that it was fruitless. Dumbledore would not answer her questions, not unless he had a damn good reason to.
"Oh, right. That's a good one. Do you think I'm stupid? Why don't you quit lying and tell me the truth, Severus?"
"I'm not lying, dammit!" he flared.
"You expect me to believe that our Headmaster—You Know Who's greatest enemy—is encouraging you to become a stinking turd-eating follower of Old Dark and Slimy?"
"Yes!" Severus shouted. "Dumbledore isn't the wonderful pure nice old wizard he makes himself out to be, believe me! He's out filling his own agenda, and his sole purpose is to bring down the bloody Dark Lord any way he can. Trust me, Lily."
She bit her lip hard. She wanted to, so very much, and yet . . .doubt slithered into her mind and coiled silently in a corner, whispering. "Why should I trust you when you don't trust me, Severus?"
"What are you talking about?"
"My vision, idiot! The one I told you about on the train. The one you said might just be a "product of my imagination!" That vision!"
"I . . .I didn't mean that! I believed you."
"Then why did you say what you said?"
"Because I was stupid, all right? I was trying to protect you and so I acted like I didn't think your vision was real."
"In the name of Merlin, Severus, why?"
"Things aren't always what they seem, Lily. You always trusted me before. Trust me now."
"I . . .don't know if I can."
"You have to!" he cried, horrified.
"Don't you dare tell me what to do, Severus! You threw me over for those bloody Death Eater wanna-be's! I'm beginning to think Potter was right about you."
He felt as if she had just stabbed him in the gut with a blunt object. "Potter! You'd believe that arrogant prick over me? Damn you, Lily! What the hell happened to you?"
"My best friend turned into a damn Death Eater, that's what!"
He threw up his hands. "Listen to what you're saying, Lily! I'm not a Death Eater. Things aren't what they seem."
"You're right. They're probably worse." Abruptly, she turned and ran from the library, muffling her sobs in her sleeve.
"LILY!" Severus shouted, getting to his feet so quickly he knocked over his chair. He made as if to follow her, but his foot tangled in the strap of his bag and he tripped, slamming into the table, bruising his hip and sending all of his homework and his inkwell crashing to the floor.
"Come back, Lily!"
She did not slow, did not even glance back.
He felt his heart shatter into a million pieces. No, please . . .
He yanked his foot free of his bag and started after her, only to be halted by the outraged figure of Madam Pince, the librarian, huffing and puffing like an outraged Chinese Fireball. "Mr. Snape! What is the meaning of this—this unseemly behavior? Shouting and knocking things about like a two-year-old is not behavior I permit in my library! This is not the Quidditch pitch!"
He went to move past her, but she grabbed him firmly by the ear and yanked him about. "Oh no you don't , boy! Look at that!" one finger stabbed at the slowly spreading puddle of ink all over the carpet. "Ink all over my clean carpet. What have you to say for yourself, young man?"
Shut up and get out of my way! He longed to howl, but years of keeping his mouth shut in front of authority figures like his father held him mute. He swallowed sharply as he saw Lily's slender form disappear out of the door. And probably out of his life as well. He felt himself slowly sinking into the pit of despair.
"Well, Mr. Snape? I'm waiting."
"Sorry, Madam Pince," he said listlessly.
"Indeed, and you shall be writing lines for me and scrubbing that stain out of my carpet, young man, this instant!" She waved her wand and a large bucket of water and a scrub brush appeared. She released his ear and pointed to the bucket. "You may begin."
Severus clenched his jaw. The last thing he wanted was to be scrubbing anything. But he wasn't in the habit of defying authority figures and the librarian had a right to be angry with him. He had behaved as juvenilely as Potter or Black. "Yes, ma'am."
She sniffed and muttered, "You're lucky I'm in a good mood or else I'd take points. I'm surprised at you, Severus Snape. You could have ruined my books, splashing ink about like that so carelessly, or tipped over a bookshelf . . ." She gave him another frown before she strode off to the front of the library to chastise a bunch of Hufflepuffs that had come in yelling about some Quidditch game on the Wizarding Wireless.
Severus knelt to scrub at the huge blot, wishing right then that a bookshelf had toppled over . . .and squashed him flat, so he wouldn't have to live with the fact that Lily no longer trusted him . . .or loved him either.
A single tear slipped down his pale cheek and fell unnoticed onto the ink blot.
* * * * * *
Lily was so blinded by tears that she hardly saw the corridor. It blurred and wavered in her vision like her reflection in a fun house mirror. She could not believe how things had spiraled out of control, her temper was still sparking, she felt utterly wretched and yet a part of her was screaming that she should trust Severus. Another part of her was clamoring that he had betrayed her by hanging out with the worst bunch of bigots in the school and yet another part of her just wanted to curl up somewhere in a corner and bawl her eyes out.
She was so intent upon her own inner misery that she failed to notice the three Marauders returning from their trip to Hogsmeade and banged right into Peter, nearly knocking him down. "Oh!"
"Oy, Evans! What's with nearly running over my best mate?" queried James. "Want to borrow my glasses, hon?" He tugged off his specs and proffered them to her on the end of his finger.
"Sorry! Excuse me!" Lily sniffled, knowing that if she stayed one minute longer she would end up breaking down totally.
She bolted down the corridor, heading for the relative safety of her room.
"What's up with her?" James asked Sirius.
Sirius shrugged. "Dunno, James, but I think she might have been crying."
"Really? What for?"
"She's a girl, they bawl at the drop of a hat. Maybe Snivellus dumped her or something."
James gritted his teeth. "If he's hurt her, I'll kill him. Or at least I'll make him wish he was dead."
"Good idea, James," squeaked Peter. He beamed up at his idol. "Can we get back to our room now? I need to study for my Transfiguration test."
"Peter, you sound like boring old Remus," Sirius groused. "Hey, James, what do you say to a little stroll down by the lake?"
James considered. "Nah. Let's play some Exploding Snap instead."
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Okay, mate. That's loads better than doing homework."
The three continued onward to Gryffindor Tower.
* * * * * *
Severus had finished cleaning up the ink blot and writing I will not be loud and obnoxious in the library fifty times by half past nine, and as soon as he had finished, he practically dashed out the door. He paused in the corridor, trying to decide where Lily might have gone. There were really only two places—the lake and her dorm. He raced out of the castle, deciding to search the lake shore first.
But their little secret place was empty and that left Gryffindor Tower—a place where no Slytherin trod unless they were pranking someone from that House or had a death wish. Or were desperate. Severus was very desperate. He headed up the stairs to the seventh floor and proceeded to station himself outside the Gryffindor portrait hole.
He would stay out here all night if he had to, just to make sure he caught Lily when she came out for class. It wouldn't be the first time he had done something like that. When he was nine, he had hidden in her treehouse all night, afraid to go home for fear his father might kill him for accidentally setting his last pack of cigarettes on fire with magic. Lily had discovered him the next morning, huddled in a ball next to the chest of snacks inside the treehouse, she had gone in to fetch a book she had left behind and found her friend instead.
Severus settled down against the wall, his arms curled over his knees, and waited.
A few Gryffindor late-nighters cast him irritated or puzzled glances as they walked into the portrait hole, and a few of them growled at him to go the hell back to the dungeon and quit sliming up the hallway.
Severus ignored them all and practiced the art of becoming a chameleon.
He heard the clock in the Entrance Hall chime the eleventh hour and knew he was now in violation of curfew, even for a prefect. But he didn't care. Let Slughorn give him detention, take away his prefect badge. Nothing mattered anymore except that he speak with Lily and convince her to trust him.
When she comes out, I'll take her to Dumbledore. Should have done that from the first. Stupid git, Severus! Let the old man explain the truth to her.
He leaned his head against the wall, determined to stay awake all night. An hour passed, then two, then three. But even Severus's iron determination was no match for the lure of sleep, and he eventually began to doze and finally he put his head on his knees and slept.
* * * * * * *
Lily spent the night sniffling and sobbing into her pillow, unable to sleep. Her mind kept conjuring up visions of Severus's face . . .the way his hair fell over to the side and in front of his eyes in that endearing curtain that he used to keep people he disliked at bay. But he never did that with her. He had always tossed his hair back with a quick flick and stared directly at her. His eyes were always shining when he saw her, until tonight, when they had dimmed with sorrow and hurt.
Trust me, Lily.
His words echoed in her head, over and over until she thought she would go mad.
I want to. But how can I?
She grabbed another tissue from beside her and mopped her eyes, which she was sure were red, blotchy, and swollen. She hated it when she cried, it made her look a fright and she always ended up with a stuffed up nose and an aching head. Like now.
Things aren't what they seem.
She closed her eyes, wishing she didn't see Severus in her mind everytime she did so. She recalled the way he had kissed her, how it had made her feel incredible, the way his arms had felt about her, cradling her and making her feel cherished and safe.
When had it started to go wrong? And how could she get it back?
Trust me, Lily.
She buried her face in the pillow.
She started thinking about what he had said, about how Dumbledore was the one who had ordered him to become friends with Death Eater sympathizers. Somehow she couldn't imagine the greatest wizard of the age, the Headmaster who was also Supreme Mugwump of the Wizengamut, as putting a student in harm's way. It was like learning that Father Christmas hated children. Surely the jolly old wizard couldn't have knowingly sent Severus into that pack of jackals? He was a Gryffindor and Gryffindors protected those who needed it. At least she had always thought so.
But Severus had insisted he was not lying.
Things aren't what they seem.
Even Regulus had said that to her.
Three together shall walk the paths of night . . . Be swift, be cunning, and be steadfast and you shall never be destroyed. Trust in yourselves and each other and the dark will not triumph.
The words of her vision echoed in her head. She had been so certain when she had dreamed it that it had been prophecy, not a garden variety dream. They had all been together in her dream. But how could it come about if two of them didn't believe in it? Somehow, I must make them believe. Only I don't know how. I never had to convince Severus before, he always believed me. Oh Merlin, I love him so much . . .but dare I trust him? Trust in yourselves and each other . . .
She had never doubted her mercurial Sight before. Or her best friend. And he had seemed so torn . . .as if he was fighting some kind of bond . . .she knew how much he valued his word. He had sworn on his magic that he was telling the truth, and that wasn't an oath most wizards took lightly.
She spent the entire night agonizing over whether or not to trust him, hating the doubt that plagued her, until at last she drifted into an uneasy sleep near dawn.
* * * * * *
Severus woke to a foot nudging his ankle.
"Hey, Snape, what's the big idea, falling asleep outside our doorstep?" queried Cindy Graves. "Did your roomie kick you out?"
Severus rubbed his eyes blearily, he now had a crick in his neck. "Huh? Oh, it's you, Cindy. I . . .need to speak to Lily. Could you tell her to come out here?" Then he added, "Please."
"She was really upset last night, Snape. You two have a fight or what?"
"That's none of your business. Just tell her I'm here, okay?"
"Don't get pushy, Snape. I'm not sure she wants to hear what you've got to say."
"Well, your last name's not Evans, now is it?" he said testily.
"Did you sleep out here all night?"
"What's it to you if I did?"
She eyed him speculatively. "Okay, Snape. I'll tell her. But only because I don't want to see you get your skinny arse kicked if the Marauders find out you're lurking out here."
Severus snorted. "Like I couldn't take them down myself." He made a shooing motion with one hand. "Well? What are you waiting for—Christmas?"
"Always," she snickered, then went inside the portrait hole.
Cindy finally woke Lily by screaming in her ear, "Hey, Evans! It's time to rise and shine, girl! Up and at 'em. Oh and I think Snape spent the night outside the portrait hole waiting to speak to you. Found him there this morning, curled up in a ball."
"Found who?"
"Snape, you dunderhead. Weren't you listening?"
"Yes, but . . .wait, did you just say that Severus spent the night outside the portrait hole?"
"Uh, yeah. And don't even ask me why he'd do such a thing, 'cause I haven't the foggiest idea."
Cindy gaped as her friend leaped up from her bed and dressed herself with a flick of her wand. "You two have a fight or something?"
"In a manner of speaking," Lily sighed. "Tell you all about it later."
She headed down to the common room and from there out the portrait hole.
There was Severus, sitting down with his back against the wall, his hair hanging limply to one side, shadowing his face. He looked exhausted and she knew he probably hadn't had a really comfortable night, anymore than she had.
"Severus."
He lifted his eyes to hers.
"Lily."
"You were right. I should have trusted you. I'm sorry—" she began.
"I should have told you straight off. I'm sorry too."
"I was an idiot."
"And I was an arse."
"I always trusted you before."
"I know. Now I'm asking you to trust me again." Severus rose to his feet in one smooth movement, despite the cramps in his back from sitting against a stone wall all night. "Will you?"
"Do you really believe my vision was a true one?"
"I do. But . . .I don't like it." Severus admitted softly. "It scares me."
"Me too."
"You, the lioness of Gryffindor, afraid?" he mocked softly.
"What, you don't think I can ever be afraid? Sev, I'm afraid of so many things. I'm afraid I'll fail History of Magic because I can't concentrate long enough to stay awake, I'm afraid that with You-Know-Who rising it'll mean that friends of mine might die, I'm afraid my Sight will show me a vision I can't interpret, or worse that I can't bear to come true, but most of all I'm afraid of walking away and never feeling the same way I do when I'm with you."
"And what way is that? Like you want to ditch me because I'm a Death Eater?" he demanded sharply.
"No. Like I want to hold you and never ever let go." Lily whispered and all at once she was hugging him and crying. "Severus, I love you. And even more than that . . .I need you. I always have. When you're with me . . .I'm complete. I don't know how I ever could have forgotten that. I'm sorry I ever called you a Death Eater. Me and my damn temper."
"Do you trust me, Lily?"
"Yes."
He smiled then. "Good. Then come with me."
"Where are we going, Sev? We have class in . . .an hour and fifteen minutes," she said glancing at her watch.
"Plenty of time to visit the Headmaster," Severus said decisively. He handed Lily a handkerchief from the pocket of his robes.
"Dumbledore?"
"You know of another Headmaster?" he teased. "The old man has something to tell you that you need to hear. And you have something to tell him as well. Now blow your nose, you're dripping."
"Yes, Dad," she drawled sarcastically, then did as she was told.
She had just finished wiping her eyes and was considering going back into the dorm for a moment to wash her face when the portrait hole opened and James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter walked through it.
They stopped dead upon seeing Severus and Lily.
"Snape! What are you doing here?" growled Sirius.
"Yeah, you don't belong here, so go back to the dungeons, slimeball," cried Peter, who was bold now that he had his friends about him.
James was about to add his own derogatory remark when he caught sight of Lily's puffy eyes and red face. "Evans, have you been . . .crying?" he asked, stepping closer to the red-haired object of his affection. His eyes narrowed. "You have, haven't you?" He sent a scorching glare at Severus. "What did you do to make her cry, Snape?"
"Mind your own business, Potter," Severus ordered, his teeth clenched.
"She is my business, greasy bat!" spat James. Then he lunged and pinned the skinny boy against the wall, one hand wrapped in his collar. "I want to know what you did to her, Snivellus, because if you hurt her, I'm going to take you out. Got me?"
Severus could only manage a choked gurgle, for James was slowly strangling him with his own tie.
"Let him go, Potter!" Lily shouted, her wand appearing in her fist.
"Not till the bastard tells me what he did to make you cry." He loosened his grip slightly. "Talk, Snivellus."
Severus gagged, gasping for breath.
"I said—let him GO!" Lily shouted, then she pointed her wand at her interfering truculent Housemate and hexed him.
Hair began sprouting from James's ears and down his back, he yelped loudly as his backside suddenly enlarged and a tail sprouted from it. His hands slipped away from Severus and he fell forward on the floor as his fingers fused into hooves. He tried to reach for his wand but it was no longer in his pocket and when he tried to summon it wandlessly, he found his voice didn't work either, and all that came out of his mouth was a loud bray.
"Bloody hell, mate!" Sirius cried, staring at his friend in horror.
James turned his head and stared at his hooves and tail stupidly, then he began to bray and run in circles.
"You're a jackass, James!" Peter wailed.
"How very fitting," gasped Severus, rubbing his abused throat, if it hadn't been so sore he would have burst out laughing. He turned to Lily, who was still glaring at Potter fit to kill. "Brilliant as always, Lily."
"Thanks, Sev. Excuse us, boys," she said coolly. "We have an appointment to keep."
"Where? In bed?" sneered Sirius.
"Ten points from Gryffindor for your filthy mouth, Black!" snapped Severus. "And another twenty for bringing livestock into the castle." He indicated James with a toss of his head. "Plus ten for assaulting a prefect. And detention with Filch for starting a brawl in the corridor, Potter."
"Y-You can't do that, Snape!" sputtered Sirius.
"Watch me." Severus spun away, ignoring the other's protests, head held high, and Lily followed without hesitation. She called over her shoulder, "Tell the jackass when he turns back to ask before he assumes a girl needs help. Because I'm no damsel in distress."
"Got that right," she heard Remus mutter as she walked away. "More like a dragon with a serious anger management problem."
"Uh huh. Snape must be crazy," Peter whined, trembling.
Severus smirked. "I'm crazy, all right. Crazy in love with you, Lily." His hand found hers and together they made their way to Dumbledore's office.
Based on the number of reviews I got (thanks!) you all seemed to want Severus to tell Lily the truth . . . so he did, in his own way. And now they will go to Dumbledore where he will, hopefully, tell the rest of it. Hope you liked the incorporation of Sev staying outside Gryffindor Tower, which was borrowed from DH, but in my version Sev ends up with Lily.