Regina had an amazing body. Full stop. Emma was, like, ninety percent straight, so she was more than qualified to say that Regina was downright bangin'. She had just the right amount of soft bits and hard bits and bits that Emma thought were Photoshop when a celebrity showed them off on the cover of Cosmo. Apparently, being deposed had given her a lot of time for Pilates.
Emma, on the other hand, had had cheeseburgers for both lunch and dinner yesterday. She jogged, but there was this hot dog stand on her route, and one thing often led to another. Her midsection had some definite potbelly potential, whereas Regina's looked like a quarter could be bounced off of it. Hell, a .45-caliber bullet.
"The water's fine," Regina said, paused up to her knees in the lake so all of her… charms were on display. In fact, some of them were reflected in the water. She was making skinnydipping look like a photo shoot.
"I'm coming, I'm coming," Emma swore, checking her boobs' position in her bra one last time. It had to be bad feminism to get in the water with all that and not have your own girls front and center. Disrespectful, or something.
Regina merely chided "Promises, promises" and ventured deeper. Moaning in pleasure, she leaned back and let the water take her, floating belly-up like she had emergency flotation devices on her person. Emma could guess where they'd be stored.
Defiantly, Emma pulled off her shirt and pulled down her jeans before she could think better of it, adding her boots and socks to the pile last. Regina just floated there, lazily stirring the surface with her fingers.
"My, my, Emma. Police work must be good exercise."
"Don't start…"
"I'm being absolutely sincere. You look ravishing."
Emma dipped her toe in the water to check the temperature. Regina hadn't lied, for once. It was the perfect tepid temperature for a warm day and a sweaty bike ride. "Yeah, compared to you, I'm chopped liver."
"That's true," Regina shrugged, prompting Emma to stomp her way deeper into the lake. "But chopped liver can taste exquisite with the right side-dish."
"You saying I look good enough to eat?"
"Good enough to have sex with, even."
Emma paused with the water licking at her waist. "Uh, Regina… you're not… I mean…"
"I'm speaking hypothetically, of course."
"Of course."
"So are you?"
Emma paused again, another inch of her underneath the water. "Am I what?"
"Well, I'm sure I wouldn't know what the kids are calling it these days, but—'seeing anyone'?"
"No, no, God no. Not with Henry around."
"I thought he was at boarding school."
Emma thought fast. "You know how it is. It still feels like he's right there, needing help with his homework and… plus, I just haven't met anyone who's really—"
"Ovary material?" Regina supplied.
"I'm sure it's not called that. Even by the kids."
Regina dipped her head back in the water. Her hair was floating around her like a wreath. Emma tried to swim over to her, but with a saucy flip, Regina was on her belly, cleaving the water at two miles an hour like she was born to the water, cutting through the water with a professional breaststroke. Emma followed her, not so much cutting through the water as snipping at it with safety scissors.
Regina stopped in the middle of the lake, treading water as she watched the lake settle to mirror-smoothness. Emma was nowhere to be seen.
"Sheriff Swan?" Regina called. "Whatever you're going to do, I'm sure I won't find it amusing."
Suddenly, she felt sly fingers undo the clasp on her bra and pull it away, Emma surfacing behind her seconds later, holding her wet prize aloft.
"Yoink!"
"Sheriff Swan!" Regina held an arm over her breasts, making it somewhat harder to keep afloat. "I'll have that back, please."
"And what'll ya give me for it?"
Regina thought it over. Then she splashed Emma.
"Oh, so it's treason then." Emma said, which didn't make sense, but sounded cool.
Regina had to hide her boobs, which only have her one arm for splashing, but Emma had to hold onto the bra, so they were both one-legged men at an ass-kicking contest. Emma tried to splash with the hand holding the bra, but just managed to hit herself with the metal hook, which made Regina laugh, which made Emma laugh, which somehow led to Regina swimming into Emma and dunking her.
Which led to Emma, underwater, seeing how attractive Regina's nipples were. Which was bullshit, because Emma had been hoping Regina had some debilitating disease that made her nipples all gross, or at least piercings. (Emma had no piercings, just a tattoo on her lower back. It was of a raven, so, classy as fuck.)
"Are you two alright?"
Regina let Emma up. Granny, granny-with-a-crossbow Granny, was at the other end of the lake. With a basket even.
"We're fine!" Regina called back, meekly taking shelter behind Emma's somewhat clothed torso.
"What are you doing in there?"
"We're fine!" Regina repeated.
"Regina lost her watch in the lake and I'm helping her look for it!" Emma said quickly, years of explaining that 'incense' smell in her bathroom finally coming in handy.
"It's an antique!" Regina added. "It belonged to my grandmother."
Emma winced inwardly. Of course, Regina had no way of knowing that her grandmother was really a dragon or something, which Granny knew, and dragons and other fairy tale creatures couldn't own watches so, yeah… whatever Granny thought they were doing in the lake, now she knew they were lying about it.
"What are you doing?" Regina called out, like she was just making polite conversation.
"Gathering herbs for my potions."
"Are those FDA-approved?"
"My potions?"
"You really should see a doctor if you're experiencing any illness." Emma rolled her eyes at Regina. Leave it to her to have a PBS moment in the middle of skinnydipping. "These alternative medicines and holistic remedies, they're just a bunch of scam artists. You might as well believe in unicorns."
"I do believe in unicorns!"
Emma forced a laugh. "That's nice, Granny, we really have to get back to the search now!"
Regina lowered her voice. "I think she means it. That woman is a caregiver."
"Drop it, Regina."
"Ruby depends on her, you know."
Granny was moving off, as ready to have the conversation over with as they were.
"And now she thinks we're a couple of perverts," Emma announced.
"She's half-right," Regina said.
"You mean there are three perverts here?" Emma asked innocently.
"Shut up and give me my bra. You've convinced enough people of my exhibitionist tendencies for one day." Regina was unamused in a very amused way.
Emma bit her lip. "Okay, you're going to laugh at this."
Regina smiled sweetly. "I bet I'm not."
"I dropped your bra, please don't kill me, I'm a cop, you'd get the death penalty." After all that, Emma stopped to take a very big breath.
Regina stared at her, arms at her sides to keep aloft, her breasts just below the rippling water. Don't look, Emma told herself. You definitely do not have looking privileges after grand theft bra.
"Alright," Regina said with a shrug. "You owe me a bra." And without a second look, she swam back to shore.
Nice breaststroke, Emma thought before wanting to slap herself.